FatGirl vs World

2014 was a rollercoaster....

You know, I've always believed in the therapeutic power of writing.  Even if I didn't publish a blog I'd write for myself.  It helps me gain self awareness in the present and perspective for the past.

I also believe in the power of the story -- the narrative that we either reflect (fact) or the one that we create (fiction).  In my old age (okay, I'm 33), I've come to realize that the hardest stories to write about are the ones we don't feel are our own, where things happen to us and we had no control over them.

A few people know the truth about this story: my spinal surgeon, a few friends, and my dad (he knows the gist, not the details -- so um Dad, you might want to stop reading now).

Doug Newburg has been scrambling my brain with his five questions:

1. How do you want to feel everyday or about your life in general?
2. When, where, and around whom do those feelings happen?
3. What gets in the way of those feelings or takes them away?
4. How do you get those feelings back?
5. What are you willing to work for? 

My mind has been bouncing around from between each question. They're so interrelated that you begin to find an answer to one and it starts spilling over to the other questions.

Answering "how do you want to feel" was much easier for me to answer in the negative -- I knew how I didn't want to feel: broken.

Flipping around the verbiage didn't quite work; the antonyms of broken didn't quite capture how I wanted to feel because I know there is no simple repair, no time machine to get back lost time, no erasing the feeling of being susceptible.

I thought about the times and places where I felt this "opposite of being broken" and came up with the time when I took a leap of faith (March 2011) and joined a boxing gym. I had only recently found my exercise groove, my diet groove, and needed to change it up a bit to deal with the plateau on which I had been residing. My boxing trainers made it very clear that my success required both my body and my mind. I couldn't let the narrative of being broken run the show. They taught me to fight for myself instead of fighting against myself.

Of those trainers, Randolph was the one that I bonded with for many reasons. I loved it when these young, jacked guys would come in to spar and he'd slip past each and every punch. More than anything else, he saw the fire in me and knew that if my body could do more that I'd let it (in other words, I wasn't one of those people who showed up just to burn calories, but I was there to learn and fight). He would only give me crap if I mentally checked out before I physically checked out (i.e., I had to at least try, even if I couldn't do as much as everyone else). Because of this (and his extensive training/certification), I trusted him enough to turn off my brain and let him take over.

I knew that the answer to both "How do you get those feelings back?" and "What are you willing to work for?" started in the same place and with the same person:



The good news is that my form is still pretty good. The bad news is that my conditioning is kinda crap (the respiratory plague could have a little to do with that). It's not as bad as he thought it could be, but I was winded 15 minutes in and my arms were noodles for 4 days after.

I am going back tonight.

How do I get that "opposite of broken" feeling back?
I get help from people that I trust and put in the sweat equity.

"What are you willing to work for?"
Myself.

Yes, I know that the more I work on Doug's questions, the more specific and detailed my answer should be, but for right now, it's enough to say that I'm willing to work for and fight for myself. Instead of working for and investing in everyone else, I'm just gonna hit the pause button to recognize that I don't need to prove my worthiness to anyone. I don't need to beg for their affection, approval, or attention. And if people don't know how I fit into their life, it's not my fault to cure or my burden to remedy.

Try as I may, try as I might, I can't hide my love for my spine orthopedist, Dr. Joseph O'Brien.  So, well... I just gave up trying....and this is why: 

I had my post-hospital follow-up with Dr. O'Brien today.  Just walking to my appointment, I could feel my anxiety levels rising.  This was going to be one of those appointments where I'd have to ask the hard questions and be ready for the even-harder answers.  For most of my injury I've been trying to stay in the moment, and not get too ahead of myself, but when I was incapacitated by pain at the bottom of my shower, I could only think (1) how the fuck am I going to get out of here and (2) is this what I have to look forward to the rest of my life? 

"How are you feeling? Any better?"  I'm moving pretty well as compared to how I was a few Sundays ago but still not great. But there's what my body feels, and then there's what's going on in my head and heart. 

I thanked him for intervening at the ER.  He understood why I was upset over how I was treated (by a know-it-all ER doc that wanted to shove pain killers at me).  That alone made me feel so much better -- that I wasn't being irrational for wanting the orthopedist resident on call to consult.  

Then he asked "So what's been going on?" That's when I was just overcome by the emotions of chronic injury and the tears started their slow drip.  I told him that I was trying to do well by avoiding the big ticket things (like giving up softball, and being cautiously fearful re boxing) but that what felled me was my everyday life...bathing myself.  This is not the life that I want to be living -- where I'm immobilized by fear as well as the actual pain. 

We looked at the MRIs that they took at the hospital as well as the x-ray they took today.  And well I have another few medical terms that I need to look up (for some background, read here:  "A Mile In Her Shoes"): 


1.  Magenta arrows:  known issue of bulging discs at L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1.  Diagnosed in 2007. 

2.  Cyan arrow:  known issue of annular tears, but annular tear at L4-5 showed changes from prior MRIs. 

3.  Yellow arrow:  new issue.  "modic change" (a pathological change in the vertebral body (see here and here for medical jargon)). 

4.  Also yellow arrow:  retrolisthesis per the radiology report ("a posterior displacement of one vertebral body with respect to the adjacent vertebrae to a degree less than a luxation (dislocation)").



Dr. O'Brien is sending me to a colleague to get a discogram to determine which disc is causing pain/numbness. It sounds like a super amount of fun where they inject a contrast dye into each disc and see what happens.  Thankfully this can be done while sedated -- cause I'm not the best with needles. 

I'm a bit overwhelmed by all of this because the path forward isn't clear. I'm really stressed by all that's going on in my life and just wish my body would get with the program.  That being said, I'm confident that Dr. O'Brien has my back. We're going to take this one step at a time and come up with a plan. 

In the meantime, I just want to thank everyone that has messaged me with words of support, or that send me things to lift my spirits.  Chronic pain and depression are common bedfellows because often people can't ever imagine a day when they're not in pain.  Imagine living that life. Imagine the cloud that hangs over any hopes for your future.  Yah.  This is why I watch the Monterrey Bay Aquarium's OtterCam -- they make me forget for a few seconds. 

The ever awesome YumYucky reminded me of something that I may have forgotten: 

It's go time, baby! As your imaginary trainer, I command you to do what you love in a safe way.  But here's the kicker... you have to give it your all.  100% commitment and daily dedication to the process.  That is what this fake trainer requires of you.

People ask me all the time where to start the weight loss and health gain.  I've learned through experience that attitude is the main difference between people who are successful at weight loss/health gain and those who are not.  The people who succeed base their whole journey and experience in joy.  The people who fail base their experience in punishment and self-loathing (yep, those people exist).

On Friday, my neighbor had me over to show me his new setup:  a 150lb heavy bag in his living room.  Like a giddy little kid, I went over to his place with my boxing gear.  I threw a few punches, he threw a few punches.  Not only did I forget how much I like boxing, but I also forgot how much I liked giving people feedback on what they were doing.  I pointed out how my neighbor didn't get all the torque out of his punch that he could and made a few adjustments.  Apparently the adjustments worked -- within minutes we had knocked the bag off of its mounting.

Did I forget about this fierce fighter?

But that feeling of glee... oh dear readers... I had completely forgotten what that feels like, or rather, I had forgotten to cultivate and nurture that feeling of joy in every movement, in every meal, in every sweet dream.

In talking to my neighbor, I realized that in the year after my neck surgery, I hadn't even shadow boxed.  My body had recovered but my mind was lagging behind.  I think part of me abandoned the thought of ever being able to throw a punch again without ever even trying.  Though the doctor had cleared me, I had held myself back.

I wonder how many people out there reading this are afraid to start their own weight loss/health gain journey out of fear that they may not be the best at something, completely forgetting what Josie asked me to do -- to love what I do and be 100% committed to whatever it is.  As my first voice/opera teacher once told me, if you're going to sing the wrong note, sing it "strong and wrong." 

Have conviction in whatever you're doing. 

And yes, I'm giving you permission to have a dance party. 

I've had "See what 185 looks & feels like" up on my white board for over 2 years now.  You see, soon after I started this blog (2009), I got the focus that I needed by way of needing to fit in a bridesmaid gown. And by the time my friend's wedding rolled around (November 2010), I fit in the dress and weighed 188lbs (my lowest adult weight). 

Though it felt great to be at my new lowest adult weight, I also felt burnt out from running 100-120 miles a month and logging every little bit of food.  So I gave myself a break.  ((Did your stomach just flip flop over reading those words cause you know what follows??))Thus started the backslide.  But I also convinced myself that I could get back into it at any time and undo any damage that I had caused.

Boxing (starting March 2011) helped me get my focus and joy back. Slowly but surely I was losing weight and gaining muscle (my arms looked AWESOME).  More than that, I was pushing my mind and body more than I ever had.  And then I started feeling numbness in my hand (July 2011) and realized that it was a herniated disc and had to stop boxing at the end of 2011. 

2012 started with me getting an epidural steroid injection in my neck (if you've ever been on steroids, you know what that does to your body, appetite, mood) and ended with me having an artificial disc replacement when the conservative approach didn't work.

Most of 2013 was spent recovering and playing it safe (I was glued to my elliptical for 852 miles).  I'll be the first to admit that two things weren't optimal:  (1) I drank more alcohol than I should (hangovers when you're over 30 suck) and (2) I didn't pay enough attention to my diet (quality and quantity). 

So it's no surprise that now that I'm over the bronchitis/sinus infection that leveled me this past December/early January that I see this: 
I know some of it is period weight/bloating, and the rest is entirely on me.  I did this.  I let this happen while I chose to not look.  But now I know.  Now I'm tuned in. 

In one month (February 22), Alton Brown's Edible Inevitable Tour comes to the Lyric Opera House in Baltimore -- and I  have my front row ticket.  I have a dress in mind. 


I mentioned above that post-surgery, I've been hesitant and stayed safe. 
What do you want to see me doing? Be my trainer!

People always ask me, "I'm just getting into exercising.  Where should I start?" when it comes to weight loss/health gain.  Sometimes I give a bit of a serious answer—that you need to have a strong foundation, or that you need to have the mental epiphany first—but when it comes to moving your body, I have one answer:  Start with the Joy.

This past weekend, I had an occasion to reiterate that point to my dad.  Dad was coming down to DC (from NY) to visit for the weekend. I told him to bring workout clothing.  My hope was that the hotel had a gym and I could have him show me what he learned in physical therapy and what he could do.  Alas, the hotel didn't have a workout facility (it is a boutique hotel).

Since it was such a GORGEOUS day on Saturday, I figured that we'd make the best of the situation and go for a walk and have a little talk.  As often people are when they're met with something outside his or her comfort zone, Dad was a little testy with me to honor his limits.  I reassured him that I wasn't going to kill him (there goes my plans for 30 seconds of light jogging here and there!).  I wasn't going to go easy on him either.

We went through some of the historic and commercial areas of Georgetown and down by the waterfront.
As dad looked out on the water, he got excited to see a
1-man rowing scull. His eyes got big and he started smiling as he described his time in college on an 8-man rowing team.

We walked down to Key Bridge Boat House (formerly Jack's Boat House), but they only rented out kayaks, canoes, and stand-up paddle boards.  I pointed all the way across to the other side of Georgetown at Thompson Boat Center and told dad that I bet that's where the sculls were being launched and I was right.  Not only were they launching them from there (2 colleges and a bunch of other schools), but you can rent 1 and 2-person sculls by the hour.

However, because it's not as intuitive as kayaking or canoeing, you have to be certified -- which means either taking a beginner's class or being evaluated by an instructor (for someone that hasn't sculled in a few years).

Getting out on the water with Dad is probably not going to happen this year, but the first classes of spring are in late April/early May of 2014.  That give Dad around 8 months to get in shape.  We made a deal right there.  I decided to buy dad a hat to mark the occasion (and because it was recently his birthday) and remind him of the excitement he felt.

When purchasing the hat, I thanked the manager for giving my dad something to be enthusiastic about.  He then asked me if I wanted an oar.  Dad thought he was selling me the oar, but he was giving me the oar.  Yet another memento, something to hang on the wall as a reminder of what is to come.

Later that day, we visited with my brother, sister-in-law, and my niece and Dad recounted this story only to find out that my SIL rowed in college as well.  Oh, and by the way, I spent my 29th birthday kayaking, and have kayaked in the Carribean.  My brother and SIL have gone kayaking a few times as well.

Dad thought he surprised us by telling his tales of rowing past, but I think the bigger surprise was that Dad found out that he wouldn't be the only one out there in the water.  (ahem, bigger lesson there along the lines of "you are not alone" and that there's always someone willing to travel part of the journey with you)

My brother and I on my 29th birthday (2010).

So the moral of the story is this:  when you're first trying to change how you view exercise, start with what excites you and brings you joy.  You're more likely to have a positive experience, more likely to want to get better at doing it, and you're more likely to stick with it in the long run.  The mind-fake (i.e., the lesson you learn by accident) is that exercise is not punishment.  It's a celebration of what your body can do.

Remember that feeling on January 1st, waking up from a champagne haze and promising that this year, this time, things will be different?  Well, 6 months have passed and what have you been up to?  Are you making headway on your resolutions?  (Or in my case, did you even make a resolution?  Whoops.) 

Chances are that somewhere along the line, you've struggled a bit.  Some of us have small struggles (one beer too many to want to get up at 5 am to get to the gym) and some of us have big struggles (injury, illness, life).  It's okay.  If you're still here to read this, you know that you can recover from just about anything. 

But let me ask you this:  is it enough to just recover/to get by or do you want to thrive?  It seems to me that so many of our resolutions are things that we should already be doing to take care of ourselves.  In other words, for many people pledging to take care of themselves (inside and out) has become a once-a-year event that is soon forgotten (kudos to those who are on the ball and renew this vow more often).

Along comes July 1st -- the first day of the second half of the year -- and another chance to state your intentions to the world about what it would mean for you to thrive, to love deeply, to laugh heartily, to live fully.  What have you learned in the first six months that you'd like to improve upon in the next six?  What would you like to change up?  What are you proud to have accomplished? What have you done in relation to the theme "Rebuild Yourself"? 

Kudos to all who have done especially well in their #GoTheDist pursuits -- Jordy (@ItsJordyLive), Cari (@TravellingCari), Sue (@PhoenyxRysyng),  Carolyn, Nate, and Rashaan (@rashaan) -- keep it up!

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The moment I knew I passed 400 miles on the elliptical!

I'm proud to say that I met/exceeded (by 10.5 miles) my goal to run 400 miles in the first 6 months.  I was met with a few obstacles along the way:  (1) recovering from my December neck surgery (2) the mystery skin issue and (3) 2 weeks of the flu.

Now that I'm a less paranoid about my neck, I want to get more diversity into my workouts.  I know that I suffer from monotony.  I want to get back to boxing (even if it's just shadow boxing) -- because I loved what that did for my arms, and my mind.  I want to kayak -- it's a great workout, fun to be in the sun, and a social activity that doesn't involve copious amounts of drinking (see below).  I want to try spinning again (**waves to JZ and RevolveDC**).  I've also promised friends that now that my deltoids don't hurt as much, that yoga is now in play. 

My food logging was hit-and-miss, and I want to improve on that for the next half of the year. I find that I would be good at food logging on the days that I was bringing my own food to work, but then would fall off the radar when I would go out to eat and feel overwhelmed by estimating (do you know how many calories are in a serving of shrimp lababdar?).  So I think that means I need to meal plan better (I'm so in awe of you all that do this well) and carry a portable food scale with me. 

I also want to focus on being more moderate with alcohol.  I've been good, but not great, and I see how that affects both my performance and the scale.  So, from here on out, no more than 1-2 drinks a day. 

In terms of thriving -- I want to improve on my introverted nature.  I want to make more "play dates" with friends as well as go on more actual dates with guys.  (NB:  I did go out with a guy from OkCupid last night -- it was rather spur of the moment, but well... he took me to the Old Guard Stables and let me meet the horses of the caisson as well as their friends that were hanging out for the week -- the Budweiser Clydesdales.  We went to dinner after and got talk about life and dating and especially online dating -- and he said to me "I don't think girls get it -- it doesn't matter how much you weigh or what you look like, just be confident with who you are.  Nothing as unsexy as a girl that feels sorry for herself."  Point taken.  I don't feel sorry for myself, but I often fear disappointing people.  No more.  Gunsablazing!)

I also want to honor my inner nerd and take some classes on the things that interest me and/or the things I have put aside since I left college.

So anyways, those are just a few thoughts.  I've also put (actual) pen to (actual) paper and started thinking about a "bucket list."  Next step with that is putting $ to bank to start saving for some adventures!

Ortho Resident, my x-ray, my Doctor

Monday:  After running 5 miles at the gym and doing some upper and lower body weights, I got a text from my friend around 7pm.  My friends had an extra ticket to see Dropkick Murphys at the 9:30 Club -- did I want to go? Heck yeah!  I shoved 4 leftover oven-roasted cracked black pepper chicken wings in my mouth and was there by 8.  I had two beers, which is showing a great deal of restraint considering it's an effing Irish band.


Tuesday:  4 miles at the gym, no weights.  [Colleague] couldn't make it to a hockey game with potential client, he gave the tickets to his assistant/my friend and she asked if I'd go with her.   Did I want to go?  Heck yeah! Beers consumed:  5.  My dinner was a delicious mess of chili mac from the Hard Times Cafe vendor.  Though I burned 3264 calories yesterday, I would consider the day as a whole a flop because of the massive pile of carbs and cheese that I inhaled.


Wednesday:  Hoping for a good run at the gym, do some ab and tricep work.  Amazingly, nothing planned tonight.  Will go home, clean up after the whirlwind that tore through my apartment the past few days.

Thursday:  Double Booked!! I'm in charge of hosting a retirement cocktail hour for a colleague.  On the menu: Old Bay spiced corn fried calamari with gribiche sauce; fries with truffle aioli; mini croque monsieur; beef sliders on mini brioche; mushroom, herb, fontina focaccia squares; tuna carpaccio BLT; bacon-wrapped scallops; chicken portabella turnovers.  Oh, and the cake? Chocolate cake, chocolate mousse filling, chocolate ganache on top.  And an open bar.

And then.... dinner with @MerbearMN (blog here) and @Mazzie (blog here) at Bourbon Steak at the Four Seasons in DC.  Take a peek at the menu.  I gained 5 pounds reading it. I will be eating something delicious with something delicious in a wine glass to go with it.

Friday:  One of my closest friends' birthdays is this week, and he decided to celebrate both on his birthday (yesterday) and Friday.  He graciously didn't give me crap for going to the hockey game (though I did stop by the bar where the gathering was (it was on my walking route to the game) to wish him a happy birthday and to give him cupcakes he was supposed to have eaten 3 weeks ago, but that have been living in my freezer).  I'm going to try and be on my very best behavior and stick to seltzer water. 

Saturday:  ShamrockFest.  The weather is supposed to be rainy but warm.  This might put a damper on my willingness to spend all day at an outdoor music festival with a bunch of drunk and rowdy people. But there's going to be good music and food there.  And well, I do not like using Port-a-Potties.  That in-and-of-itself is a very good reason not to drink. So I'm going to focus on the music, the dancing, the fun and not drinking.  Feel free to tweet at me and hold me to my promise.

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The thing is this -- I really do agree with Alton Brown's 4-Lists, and that alcohol is a 1-time a week indulgence: 
This just happens to be a confluence planned and unplanned social events where alcohol is an omnipresent option.

In the past, I have given up alcohol for a few reasons:  (1) because of the medications that I was taking for my back issues (2) in solidarity (3) because of the negative impact it had on my body and workouts (4) I realized that I didn't need to drink to have fun and (5) I realized that I'd rather have quality over quantity most of the time.  In the past, I have also written about alcohol.

Alcoholism/addictive issues runs through the bloodlines on both sides of my family tree.  I used to be a bartender at an Irish Bar in Brooklyn (my dad helped get me the job because I told him that I wanted a skill that would guarantee employment anywhere I landed after college).  I have seen alcoholism up close and personal.  I know that it's not something that I want for myself or my body.

I also know how alcohol impacts my weightloss/health gain and vice versa.  On days where I have exercised, I feel the effects of alcohol much faster.  If I continue to drink, I am less likely to exercise the next day.  This is the main reason that I didn't drink on Friday nights when I was boxing -- burpees are terrible when hungover.

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Sunday:  back to 1 drink a week, but probably after I give my poor liver a break for a week or two...maybe a month.

No easy way to say this....

On November 6, 2010, I was on top of the world -- my best friend was getting married and I weighed in at my lowest adult weight of 188lbs.

But all of the work I did to get there (100+ miles a month on the elliptical) took a toll on my body and I knew I had to give my back a rest.  I regained a few pounds through the first few months of 2011, but I let it go knowing that I was listening to my body and not risking re-injuring my lower back.

So in 2011, I switched gears and started boxing.  Not only was I kicking butt, but I was feeling great.  Not even someone trying to make me feel bad could affect my stride.  My running complemented my boxing, and I could feel my body changing and getting stronger.  But  that success was short lived when I started feeling weak in my left arm in July.  My doctor and I approached the injury conservatively.  I stopped boxing for a while, did physical therapy, and for a while the pain went away.  I resumed my boxing and running and the pain came back.  By December, we knew what we were dealing with:  a herniated disc at C5-6 and a bulging disc at C6-7.

2012 began with treating the new injury -- more drugs, more rest, more rehabilitation. I experienced some moderate improvement, but my recovery has been nothing like my lower back's recovery.  My lower back's injury wasn't as severe, and I think has been a bit of a non-issue as of late.  I'm aware of what hurts it (walking on hard surfaces, sitting for too long, using recumbent bikes, etc.) and take care to avoid those things.  I've tried to give my neck rest, but just about anything can aggravate it -- such as lying down, walking for 10 minutes, going down stairs, etc.).

With my friend Evan's guidance, I'm starting to investigate surgeons who will make my neck a bit more stable so I can get back to the gym.... because I've gained 17.5lbs since November 6, 2010.  And I do not like this.  I do not like this at all.  I'm disappointed in me, because I know there's so much I can be doing (i.e., being more focused about my diet, not drinking) and I'm just not.  I've been avoiding getting on the scale, but to tell you the truth, this number is lower than what I was expecting.  Part of the fat mentality is believing/fearing that any time you stray from the path, that you immediately go back to your worst.  I know how to get back on track.

I think reading Janet Oberholtzer's book is helping me realize one big part of the picture:  I need to mourn the loss of my spinal health.  It really does suck to be stuck in a body that is aging faster than my heart and mind. It sucks that I have to face making these decisions without any guarantees as to the result.  It sucks that I fear other people touching me because I feel so fragile.   The sooner I feel and deal with these feelings of loss, the sooner I can focus on what I can do, what I can do about my situation.

But you've come here because you want to know the winner of the Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer, right?
I want to thank each and every person that entered the contest.  I received a whopping 780 entries!! Can you believe that?

Without further ado -- I present the winner of the KitchenAid Stand Mixer:


Jess, congrats!! Send me an email with your address and I'll get that beautiful stand mixer to your new home!

Fancy needle work

Fluoroscopically-guided epidural injection

They inject the steroids into the epidural fat that surrounds the disc as well as the spine



my awesome blood pressure post-epidural

I never lost consciousness. The nurse talking to me the whole time was very soothing and I was able to let them know how i was doing. They knew ahead of time that I was needle phobic and had a history of fainting. It helped them that I kept a dialogue going about my reactions -- so they could help me get through things. Next time i am wearing shorts though. I was too hot.
The rest of the day I iced the injection site and was able to move around. Steroids worked for a week and then wore off (this is to be expected as one often needs more than one shot (and up to 3 in a 6 month period) to experience consistent relief).