FatGirl vs World

Just got back from a screening of Embrace and I think I need some more time to process. My thoughts are flying in a few different directions.

But I want to put to you all a question that I asked after the movie to the panel (but I am going to ramble a little more here).

So much of society and consumerism feeds off of insecurity -- keeping us from feeling comfortable and secure in who we are and what we look like. Essentially, we question our own worth and value.

The parallel in boxing is instability--when we get too narrow. When we "get narrow" it makes it easier for our opponent to knock us off balance at the same time it limits our range and power. Getting narrow with self-love often looks the same too--trying to take up less space and disappear.

The response is to "square up" (widen our stance to create a better foundation) -- sometimes only a single step in the right direction to restore our range, power, and stability.

What do you think is one way we all can "square up" in the direction of improving our self-confidence and body image efficacy? 

You know the world has come full circle when your coworker sends you an email saying that you might be interested in a story/video and it ends up being a familiar face — the very lovely Meghan Tonjes — who I have been acquainted with for a while via Twitter.  Apparently she's been getting into some hot water with Tumblr and Instagram (though they have now backtracked) over showing progress photos of her weight loss, including a photo of her butt that she is very proud of.

I am super proud of and excited for all of my dear friends that get recognized in the media (print, tv, web, etc.) for all their hard work, stories of triumph, or their commitment to the health/wellness/fitness community.

My great accomplishment? Always fighting for myself -- for my diagnosis and my treatment.  For that, GW Health News asked me to tell my story for their Spring 2014 newsletter:

SPOILERS....

Does the Biggest Loser want strong or do they want thin?

The Biggest Loser started with a doctor's premise:  Dr. Huizenga (former doctor for the Raiders football organization) saw very large and athletic linebackers being able to exercise and lose weight (off season), so why couldn't the average overweight/obese person.  His focus was on simple exercises (calisthenics) to start and then increasing the challenge, walking, and a healthy diet.  NBC has bastardized this original premise. 

My favorite episodes always used to be the ones where Dr. H would give people devastating news about what they had done to their bodies -- their body fat percentages, pre-diabetes, diabetes, heart disease, sleep apnea -- but the simple hope that just by exercising and eating reasonably, that they could reverse the harm done to their bodies.  That episode began in tears and ended in determination and hope.  Later in the season, they'd meet with Dr. H again and learn that they had indeed done what he had promised:  they were no longer diabetic, they no longer had sleep apnea.  They were no longer killing themselves; they had learned how to live.

Over the years, Dr. H's presence and influence on the show has decreased.  As his presence has decreased, the focus on weight over health has increased.  Ever notice how one third of the show is dedicated to the weigh-in and the results?  Ever notice how they talk less and less about the diseases of obesity? America just wants to bottom line -- how much weight did they lose?

So...doot da doo... last night's finale has definitely caused a stir, to put it mildly.

I want to really separate a few issues here:

1.  People on Facebook are trying to finger wag at me b/c I'm discussing another person's body.  I'm not trying to fat shame or thin shame.  Like I said on FB, I think that concern is driving the whole debate.  People in the weight loss/health gain community are worried for Rachel as well as concerned for how viewers might perceive Rachel winning. I believe that the same psychological issues that contribute to people being obese can also swing the other way.  People lose weight and become addicted to the weight loss.  I've seen it with my own eyes more than I'd care to admit.

2.  The CDC says that the slower one loses the weight, the greater the chances are that the person will keep it off (i.e., not yo-yo).  I haven't been able to find an official start date for the filming of Season 15, but I know that she lost 155lbs in less than a year (She's 5'4" and weighs 105lbs now (a BMI of under 18.5).  That's fast.  I'll leave it up to the experts to determine whether it is too fast.  However, I just want to remind people that there are health risks associated with losing weight that fast -- the main concern being how the heart (a very important muscle) will react.

3.  I've made it very clear on most social media networks (especially when I ask weight loss celebrities why they're hosting DietBet competitions where the focus is on weight loss, not body fat percentage or positive behaviors) that I'm a firm believer that the best way to determine health is by a blood test, fitness tests, and an honest look at a person's behaviors and life.  The Biggest Loser relies on the scale as a measure of health.  If you lose more, you must be healthy.  In the case of last night's finale, people (including myself) that Rachel had gone beyond healthy and into unhealthy once again.  We don't know that for sure, we'd need to see her blood test results.  But our guts are telling us that she went too far.

4.  So why did she go too far?  If you've watched BL15, you know that Rachel is a competitive person and that she likes to win.  This is a great motivator, but also needs to be kept in check.  Any look at humanity and you know people will go to great lengths to win--even if it's illegal (ahem, Tonya Harding), unhealthy, or unsafe.  I remember the end of last week's episode how great Rachel looked after winning the triathlon.  I wondered what more she had to lose in terms of weight.  She was fast, strong, happy, healthy.  At the finale, she looked like she wouldn't be able to win a triathlon, let alone finish it.

5.  So that makes me wonder -- should The Biggest Loser change the "winning" criteria -- that you have to pass a physical examination (metabolic fitness, blood work, not be malnourished, healthy bone density, electrolytes in balance), or that the triathlon should be run or repeated a few days before the finale to ensure that the focus is on fitness, not thinness? Should a contestant be disqualified for calorie restricting beyond the recommended daily intake? Should the Biggest Loser enact fail safe measures to ensure the safety of the contestants?

6.  My dietitian weighed in on all of this:

7.  This just raises every concern that I have about how people love to talk about the obesity epidemic, but not the eating disorder epidemic.  Kids younger and younger are admitting to eating disorders. More and more adults are admitting to eating disorders or disordered eating.  IF Rachel won by calorie restricting (again, this is speculation based on what I know of weight loss), what does it say that The Biggest Loser crowned her the winner of season 15?  What does it say about us as an audience if we don't at least raise concern for this young woman's long-term health? She's not a prop or a character on a TV show.  She's an actual person.  We should put her health over the show's ratings.

8.  People are saying that she probably wanted to lose a little extra to add to her lead going in to the finale, and that she'll probably gain some weight back once the season is now over.  Is it just me or is this type of justification disturbing?  It's the same type of justification for the people who do ridiculous things all to lose just a few more pounds.  They've lost the ability to know when enough is enough.  There wasn't someone looking out for her saying "you're doing this the wrong way."

But who are we to judge what one woman did to win $250,000 and the title of The Biggest Loser. 

**raises an eyebrow** 

I don't know what the answers are.  I just know in my gut that something isn't right (and I'm not talking about Rachel's body... I'm talking about the environment in which health is no longer the focus).
As a weight loss/health gain community, I think we need to talk more about what a healthy life looks like versus what healthy bodies are supposed to look like (because our eyes don't really know... unless someone has x-ray vision that they're not owning up to).

The view from my Dad's place in Brooklyn.

Dad and Hannah being silly.

Go BIG BLUE!! NY Giants!!

My dad cooked an amazingly delicious Thanksgiving dinner for just he and I.  The next day we celebrated my Aunt's **mumbles**th birthday.  It was great to hang out with my family (I don't get to see them that often because they're mostly in the NY/MA area.  A few of us aren't central to that).  My uncle paid me one of the best compliments ever -- that he uses me as a gentle example of someone who has been able to address her weight and health issues.  I'm glad that I can be a force of positive change in my family.

On Saturday, Dad and I had a very long drive back to DC (there were a few accidents on I-95).  On Sunday, we had lunch with my brother, SIL and niece.  Last night, Dad and I went to the NYG v. Skins game (Giants won! And Bear Pascoe waved to me!!).  I'm kinda a zombie now at work and still have enough fortitude to resist doing any shopping.  I'm not religious, but my family does participate in gift exchanges.  I just really hate the whole commercial aspect of it that is thrust upon the consumer.  I'm going to shop and spend money if and when I damn well please.

Okay, I was in a bit of a media blackout the past week and the long weekend, but was clued into the continuation of the Maria Kang saga by The Bert Show and Tony (The Anti-Jared).  

I am loathe to even mention her name here but I will, on the off chance that someone finds my blog and gets a bit of perspective and hope from it.  My POV is this:  any time a person tries to define what a "real woman" is -- you marginalize other people (same with any other "real [this or that]").  It's a "realer than thou"/"healthier than thou" attitude that does nothing to serve or enhance relationships between people and communities.  It's not my place to define who I am by excluding anyone, and it's not my place to define anyone else by my personal thoughts and feelings. We are all real and deserve a bit of respect, compassion, and the freedom to live a life that doesn't impinge on the rights of others.

Kang vented on Facebook, but deleted it and reposted on her site, but not without a long-winded disclaimer (no, I will not link her site, I don't want her making any money off of my readership).  I want to side with her on some things -- such as there being lots of free resources for people looking to make a change in their life and that the journey begins with self-love -- but there are far better people out there saying the same thing without perpetuating the idea of what health/fitness looks like versus what actual health/fitness is (behavior, mental well being, blood tests, etc).  And most importantly, I can't side with her because she breaks New Rule #4 as well as NR4(a-c):

4. I will not judge someone without recognizing the journey they are on first.

    4a.  I will not let someone else's judgment of me change how I feel about myself. 
    4b.  I am on this journey because of the courage I had when I took the first step.
    4c.  The journey is not a competition; it is a community, a movement, a calling.

The other part that really annoys me is this:  a photo of a person is just a slice in time.  And yet we load on a ton of presumptions about that person based on the photo.  We see the beautiful model, we don't see her sucking on juice-soaked cotton balls (something Crystal Renn wrote about in her book Hungry).  Even Kang makes the point about saying that her photo may look like she's got it together, but then gives a gazillion examples of how she's the every woman.  So then why can't we look at a picture of a larger person and make the assumption that she's taking care of herself?  We assume that fat equals neglect.  We assume that fat equals self-harm.  However, while she goes to great lengths to discuss the obesity epidemic, she says very little about the epidemic on the other end of the spectrum:  kids are getting eating disorders and are practicing self-harm at younger and younger ages.  We've infected them with our own self-loathing, and more than that, we (as a society) endorse it. 

When I look at a photo of myself in bra/underwear or a bikini (and no, I'm not going to post it here), I am proud of all the work that I've done -- work that started with an obese version of myself mustering up the courage to love myself no matter what anyone else said, and especially in spite of what other people would have me think about my own body.

I think about many of my friends here and on Twitter/Facebook that are still overweight/obese but are radically different people than they were before they had the epiphany.  Are they fitness models? No, but they're the model of fitness -- dedicated to exercising, good nutrition, and working on their emotional and mental landscapes.  I don't think Maria Kang gets that.  I don't think she ever will.  And the saddest part of all of this is that her crappy attitude is getting her attention and making her money.

This valiant woman in North Dakota has taken it upon herself to inform her neighbor's children that they are overweight/obese by giving them a letter instead of candy this Halloween.

Some initial thoughts: 

1.  She's giving the letters to kids, but addressing it to the parents.  This, in my mind, is spineless, cowardly, passive aggressive, and just plain cruel. If the woman is so concerned about how a person is parenting then she should have a face-to-face conversation with the parent.  (You know, she should be willing to get punched in the face for what she believes in.)
2. She's not a doctor.  She's not a pediatrician or a pediatric dietician.  She's just a person with an over-reaching opinion and a sense of entitlement. 
3. If she doesn't want to contribute to the childhood obesity epidemic, she could give out "treats" that aren't food -- stickers, toys, glow sticks, etc.
4. This completely ignores the other epidemic -- kids are getting eating disorders at younger and younger ages.  Having a stranger comment and criticize your weight is a very good way to start cultivating a negative body image. 

If you know my full name, you know why this is funny.

In 1991, my grandmother died.  That was the very start of my weight gain.  Every year after that, I anguished over not being able to fit into all the costumes designed for kids.  My mom tried her best to find something that was age appropriate, that would fit, and that I liked, but it really soured me on the experience.

I knew I was bigger than all the other kids.  I didn't need some asshole neighbor telling me just how much I didn't fit in with all the other kids.  I didn't need some asshole neighbor to add insult to the injury.  And if some asshole neighbor had given me that letter to give it to my parents (1) I would have read it first (cause you know kids can read nowadays) and (2) my parents may or may not have asked me where that person lived.

I'm not saying that this lady should give out candy.  That's her choice as to what to do -- but if you don't have enough to share with the whole class, don't bring in the cupcakes.  Kids are very sensitive to being excluded and ridiculed.

This morning, I was listening to the tail-end of The Bert Show's discussion on the Maria Kang photo below:


He asked the question "...What's YOUR excuse for not being in shape like her? Does she have a point...or is she bullying/body shaming?"

Now, I don't think that's something that could be answered in a 140 character tweet, or even in a Facebook status message/reply.  So I'm going to address it here:

1.   You have to go to her Web site/Facebook page to know anything about her.  Did she lose weight? Is she maintaining weight?  What did she look like before the kids?  Does she have help?  Who's watching the kids while she's exercising?  Considering that many people won't investigate, I feel that it is important to say that FitSpo photo lives in a vacuum. There's too much left up to the viewer's perception, and thus can be perceived as bullying by some and inspiration by others. I think people should be more inspired by a person's struggle and/or process than by any particular result. 

2.   Sometimes the "excuse" is actually a very good reason.  Many times I've written about how I believe that most people are obese because of some sort of trauma.  For some people it's emotional, for some people it's physical.  In the case of emotional trauma, normal coping mechanisms have failed and are replaced by things that flood the brain with serotonin (food, alcohol, drugs). The "excuse" is that people haven't confronted these issues in a safe and nurtured environment.  Some people aren't ready to do that.  In the case of physical trauma, such as my bad back, exercising isn't always an option.  Even now, there are limits to what I can and should do.  Sometimes the reason is that there are other parts of a person's life that are more important than making sure they are aesthetically pleasing.  People should not feel guilty about taking care of themselves the best way they know how, even if it means not being in a gym every day.

3.   Thin doesn't necessarily mean healthy.   If her goal was to encourage people to be healthy (she has a fitness non-profit), she'd post her blood tests, as they're the most accurate gauge of a person's health.  I would HATE for someone to look at me, assume that I'm lazy and unhealthy just because I'm overweight, when my own doctor lauds the improvements that I've made on the inside of my body.  I've worked very hard to be overweight (instead of obese) and I still don't look like her (nor do I want to).  I also know that there are plenty of women and men out there that are getting positive feedback on their bodies as a result of eating disorders.  If you read anything about her, you'll find out that she struggled with eating disorders.  Is her desire to drop the pregnancy weight so soon after giving birth the healthiest thing for her to do? (see below)

4.  Mothers should not be shamed into losing their pregnancy weight immediately after giving birth.  I've never had a kid.  I know many people who have.  And some people have lost the weight easily and returned to their pre-pregnancy body easily and while many others have needed more time to get their pre-pregnancy body back.  Some women actually enjoy the "permission" to enjoy their post-pregnancy body.  It's the first time in their life that they are able to lose their food rules, get off the treadmill, and enjoy their body.  They're also taking time to enjoy motherhood instead of scheduling their time at the gym.  Again, that's a choice, not an excuse.  And dare I even mention the rise in stories regarding the pressure for moms to drop the weight triggering eating disorders?

5.  Fitness is her job.  It was to her benefit to lose the weight -- as she's a fitness model, runs a fitness non-profit, etc.  She makes money off of her image.  The controversy is just getting her name out there ("there's no such thing as bad press").  Imagine if the quotation was "What's your motivation?" instead of "What's your excuse?" -- we'd very clearly assume that aesthetics and profit are her motivation (wouldn't it be nice if her kids were her motivation).  Not everyone makes money off their body (not everyone wants to).  

Now, she's replying to the media storm over the photo, and I don't really buy it.  She did a "Sorry, I'm not sorry."  But I'm glad there's some dialogue happening about why her picture with caption was so misguided. I'm glad that people are talking about why FitSpo photos and slogans are negative to all the hard work that people are putting into body acceptance in their own lives and in the world.

What say you?

(Article 1) (Article 2) (Article 3) (Article 4) (Article 5) (Article 6) (Article 7) (Article 8) (Article 9) 
Now, in the back of your mind, juxtapose this article with all of the Maury Povich episodes that featured obese toddlers with parents that said they had no control over what their kids eat, that they wanted to give their kids what they didn't have growing up, and that they were showing love by indulging/giving in to their child's demands.

In response, I want to focus on what I think the dialogue should be:   If a parent is, or learns to be, (mentally, physiologically, emotionally) healthy themselves, the greater the chance that they will be able to raise a healthy child, and have a healthy relationship with that child.  It's not perfect, and it's no guarantee, but I do believe it increases the probability of having a healthy kid.

Parents should be able to say "I have a problem with food/body image, and I needed to help myself so I can help my kids."  And they should have the resources (education, counseling, support groups) available to help make healthy and considered decisions for their kids.  Instead, I think we see some people having kids either before they've dealt with their own issues, or having kids as a way to work out their own issues.

Being a parent is not a right, it is a privilege that comes with responsibilities.  Among these responsibilities is making sure that your child is healthy.  I think the phrase putting your child "on a diet" sounds more pejorative than saying you're paying attention to and regulating your child's nutrition and health.  It's a semantic difference--between depriving them (of crappy food that has been making them sick) and giving them a life (full of emotional, physical, and psychological well-being).

If you've been following my blog, you know that I've talked about the issues my parents had regarding food and self image.  And hopefully you also know that, more than anything, I wish that their parents had done a better job of taking care of my parents.  But like Jack Kornfield says, "Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."  I can't change those things, but I can do my best to understand and contextualize things.  I can also break the cycle.

That being said, as a child who had two parents with their own demons, I wish someone (a doctor, a relative, a teacher) had stepped in and said "do you realize your daughter has a weight problem?"  I wouldn't have wanted them to write about it in an international magazine, but I would have greatly appreciated them recognizing they were out of their depth and needed help. 

So that leaves me with a few questions: 
(1)   How are parents responsible for regulating what their kids eats?
(2)   Should parents openly talk with a child about the child's weight, nutrition, health?
(3)   Should the dialogue with a child be more focused about weight or health?
(4)   When should a parent be concerned about a child's weight?

Big Beautiful Woman.  (not "Basketball Wives") Nope. Not for me.


So if I need a three letter acronym to describe my lifestyle and my body, I choose AVG.  That's right.... AVG or AVERAGE.

This really pisses me off:

"I know that I needed help to lose weight and I wrote to Dr. Phil, Oprah, Dr. Oz, and nobody would hear me or respond, so I decided to get in contact with Guiness Book of World Records.  And I thought I am already this size, so I might as well take advantage of it to get my story out there.... so I could get some weight loss help."  

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

I need to take a deep breath here because there are so many things going through my head:

1. This isn't the first person who has felt the need to gain more weight to get help.  I've heard many stories of people trying to GAIN weight so they qualify for a weight loss surgery.  This is so effing backwards.  In my opinion, health insurance companies should not pay for weight loss surgery unless it is the only chance of saving someone's life (i.e., they are in dire straits and will die if the surgery is not done immediately).  If a person is able to exercise and go on a diet, they should.  I'm not talking about the gimmicky diets or the "I walk to my couch" exercise routine, but serious concerted effort.  Sadly, most health insurances don't cover dietitians or gym memberships/trainers.  People don't turn to Overeaters Anonymous, or ther similar support groups, such as Weight Watchers, out of fear or shame.  If someone were to break their back in an accident, insurance would pay for the rehab to help them learn to walk again. Most obese people need to re-learn how to cook, eat, exercise and live.  Why isn't this considered rehab?

2. It's a sad state of affairs that people are using morbid obesity to (a) win money or (b) get fame/attention.  What's more unforuntate is that the public is so willing to eat up these stories.  I'm even guilty of it myself after having watched Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition, The Biggest Loser, Heavy, Losing It, etc.  We like the stories of dramatic change even when it's not a healthy way to go about that change.

3. Dr. Phil, Oprah, and Dr. Oz were right to turn her away (if that is what she did) as she doesn't seem to be sincere in the least.  If she had the epiphany, she would realize that no one other than herself is (1) in her way of succeeding or (2) the key to her success.  If she truly wanted to lose the weight at any point in her life, she would have found a way.  But right now, the addiction to food is way more important to her than her health.... Which brings me to...

4. What this woman needs most is a PSYCHOLOGIST to figure out why she wants the attention, why she's a compulsive eater, and how that is all related.  Whether she recognizes it or not, it is related.  I hope Dr. Drew is able to refer her to an addiction counselor/psychologist who can work with her on a long-term basis. 

5. In my opinion and my experience, I belive that you don't get to choose your addiction (alcohol, drugs, food, Angry Birds), it chooses you.  But at some point you get Stockholm Syndrome and sympathize with your addiction/captor more than you are fighting it.  The addiction is most dangerous when you stop fighting it.  Resigning to your addiction and saying "this is just the way I am and always will be" is not the same as surrendering to it and saying "it is stronger than I am."  If you surrender, you are willing and able to get help.  If you are resigned, you don't think any help (diet, exercise, therapy, etc.) will ever work.

6.  When in doubt, send in Richard Simmons.  I think he may be the original Honey Badger.  Richard Simmons don't care how big you are. Richard Simmons don't care how long you've been fat.  Richard Simmons knows you can shake your tush and break the cycle of bad eating.

Very interesting video.

Thoughts?

Every spring, the same thing happens.  Year after year, without fail, women's magazines start spouting diet and exercise advice to transform your winter/spring body into a body that is worthy of donning a 2-piece bathing suit.

Translation:  In order for you to feel good about being in a bikini, you most lose weight/inches BEFORE you even think about putting the bikini on.

I resent this because I firmly believe having a positive body image is a mental process, not a physical one.  People can be body-confident and bikini ready regardless of their size.  (Maybe I'm saying this because I posted a picture of myself in a bikini on the internets only when I was sure that nothing anyone said would bring me down.)  Besides, there are just as many larger people that feel sexy and confident in a two piece as there are thin people that hyper-critical (See Brazil).

So of course I tweeted a one-liner about being pissed off about this (my anger toward magazines should be nothing new to anyone who reads my blog):


 And of course that snowballed into a conversation and then the usual being misconstrued.

While I understand what @monikawoolsey was trying to say about drawing more attention to the obsession not helping people be less obsessed, I disagree firmly.  There is no counterbalance if no one (either professionals in the health/fitness community or consumers themselves) speaks up and says "Health and wellness (mental and physical) comes in all sizes and shapes.  No one body shape owns the bikini."

As for being misconstrued, if you read the link you'll see that she calls me "a woman who advocates for size acceptance."  Okay, that's far from slander, but it's terribly inaccurate.  NAAFA I am not. 


Where the size acceptance community and I diverge in opinion revolves around the issue of health.  I don't think someone who is obese or morbidly obese (overweight is a different story) is in their right mind if/when they claim to be healthy (i.e. without their weight impacting their health).   I'm not saying one needs to be able to run a marathon in order to be considered healthy, but I'd venture to say there are certain co-morbidity factors that would suggest being excessively overweight is in the "to be avoided" category.

So yeah... doot da do.... if you've done the work to feel good about yourself physically and mentally, why should anyone or anything tell you that it is not enough (whether you're at the finish line or in progress)?  Why should the world's opinion of your physical/mental wellness out-rank your own?  If you feel confident in a bikini, then wear a fucking bikini.  Own it! Strut down the beach in the bikini.  Gracefully float in that bikini.  So what if the world (or magazines, or other people) doesn't think you're worthy of donning the itty-bitty-teenie-weenie yellow polka-dots?   The world can shove it.

this is what freedom looks like

BTW, June's #GoTheDist has nothing to do with size acceptance.  I'm not asking anyone to look at themselves and think "I'm obese, the world should be okay with that."  I'm asking people to look at themselves and be able to think "I'm imperfect, it's okay.  I'm still loveable."  It's a tough challenge for people at every size and shape to be able to look at themselves naked and NOT critique themselves.  The challenge is to look in the mirror and find things to love.

I think Sheryl says it best (as she often does):

You may not be able to change certain aspects of your physical self, but you *can* change the way you think about them and accept them, at least eventually.  But just like everything else, you will only get there if you begin to work on making that change.  And just like everything else - you can do it, you can make that change.  If you believe you can.  So believe.  And do it!  Your body is amazing and you need to see that - even if you don't see it in the mirror.  Yet.

So today is the conclusion of Fat Talk Free Week as some of you may (or may not know).

I've talked before about how my parents' comments about my body often shaped how I felt about myself.  I'll put it this way:  I loved being contrary with them.  Part of it was my wildness. The other part was a realization that my mom and dad were not happy people. If I wanted a chance at happiness myself, I'd either need to figure it out myself, or do the opposite of what they said.

My father once told me that I would never have any friends if I were argumentative, that I would never have any friends (odd, coming from a lawyer...). And so I was argumentative.  Well, rather, I began to figure out who I could debate with.  I figured out who had the intelligence and the fortitude to disagree with me.  Those people became my friends.  I knew when to back off, and when a debate had crossed the line into being a fight.

I think the lesson for me regarding my parents is that I learned to love myself exactly as I was, and the right people would love me for it. The wrong people would continue to disparage me, but that I knew the difference.  I feel bad that my mother and father never learned the same kind of self love at a young age.  Their lives might have been shaped very differently if they broke a few rules and told a few more people to shove it.  They might have benefited from making mistakes of their own accord, not from trying to please other people.

So getting back to Fat Talk Free Week ...
We had a small little fire in my office building, prompting an evacuation.  On the way down the stairs, I ran into many people that hadn't seen me since I began this journey.  And they say "Oh, you look so skinny."

It kind of baffles me that we're conditioned to think that "skinny" is a compliment.  I mean, what if i had been suffering from cancer this whole time? I know people aren't trying to be malicious, and it's not an issue of ignorance. It's an issue of cultural programming.  Skinny is often equated with being successful and beautiful. Fat is often equated with being unsuccessful and ugly.  This is what we're getting wrong.

But you can't really go up to a person and say "Wow, you look really healthy" without them thinking "I must've looked like crap yesterday" much in the same way when someone says "You're looking skinny" our minds do this whiplash thing where all we can think of is how fat we used to look. 

So what's going to be appropriate?  How do you know if someone's appearance truly reflects a healthy lifestyle (versus having an illness, an eating disorder, etc.)?  How do you compliment them on that healthy lifestyle if you do know that healthy lifestyle is responsible for the change in their appearance?

What are we left with if we can't use the small talk?

Maybe we say nothing.  We begin to look people in the eye more. We smile at them.
Maybe we start investing in people and knowing their stories so we know the appropriate thing to say. And then people will know our intentions.

Maybe when we say "You look great... really healthy" it will be received as intended--that at this moment your whole self is a reflection of (inner & outer) happiness and health.

Someone pointed this out to me.  And yes, I felt the need to comment on their site, but you know me. I'm never 100% done ranting and raving about something:

I’m a size 12/14, 38D right now.
I recently went into a lulu store and while I was frustrated that there weren’t more cute things available in my size, I definitely saw it as motivation to continue in my journey towards a healthier me.
The one thing that was disappointing, and what someone mentioned above, is the attitude of employees toward me. Luckily I was with a friend that has been through the journey (losing around 90lbs, I think) and she was very helpful when the tata tamer couldn’t tame my tatas. However one employee made me very uncomfortable with her disproving glance. I bet she didn’t even realize she did it. Le sigh.

Now I can understand larger sized women wanting comfortable, quality workout clothing.  By-in-large it just doesn't readily exist.  You have to hunt for it -- especially sports bras.  I can also understand that they are a large demographic largely underrepresented in the sportswear industry.  Also, larger women (and men) have...shall we say... support issues that are often overlooked as well.  (I've never seen an "athletic" version of a pregnancy band to help people with larger lower abdomens not feel to jiggly, especially when spandex/lyrca just isn't helping to stop the jiggle when doing things like running.)

There was one comment that kinda struck a nerve with me

Sorry but fat people are in denial if they think it’s attractive to show their rolls, stop rationalizing on why it’s okay to reveal some skin when you’re fat!
Comment by Mike

I think this guy Mike just doesn't get it.  It's not about fat people wanting to reveal skin.  It's about us wanting to be counted among those who value their health and well being.  It's like being the only one on a sports team not wearing the uniform.  If we're in the gym, if we're in the yoga studio, we want to look and feel the part of being an athlete while doing the work.

That, and I don't care what size you are -- every person has some part of their body that is unflattering or that they might not be 100% comfortable with.  I mean, even models do the whole standing in the mirror and listing off a litany of their flaws thing.  Everyone has rolls, extra skin, scars, weird lumps and bumps on their body, especially when they have no control over what angle they're viewed from.  You don't need to be a size 16 in order to have body topography.  Should the use of yoga clothing (some of which isn't even that revealing) be denied to all but those with low body fat percentages and modelesque proportions?  HELL NO.

Should lululemon be criticized for their contrasting message of body acceptance and yet not sell clothing in a variety of sizes? Perhaps.  But it's their choice to only produce certain sizes.  Productionwise, it's hard to make plus-size clothing without having to redesign clothing.  Up to a size 12, there are predictable body changes (especially among women).  After a 14/16, women's bodies vary in predictable, but varied ways (adding weight around the hips, around the abdomen, around the chest, through the appendages).  I've never been a particularly bottom-heavy size plus-sized gal.  What if they stopped at 18/20? Should they be criticized for not making a 20/22? It would never end.  But their message of body acceptance is correct -- even if you have to show up for yoga in the clothing that fits you, or heck... go naked in protest.

So anyways, I bought (and fit into) a pair of size 12 lululemon pants.  I'm not quite ready to fit into the tops I liked, and didn't fit into any of the bras.  My lower half is bigger than my top half at this point. 

What I really couldn't deal with was one employee.  I put on the pair of pants with a really cute top.  I knew it didn't fit, but I wanted to show my friend how close I was to being lulu-worthy.  The employee gave me the up and down and made a smarmy look as if to say "I can't believe you think that looks good on you."  She was a petite girl who didn't come by being thin the hard way.  If only I could have told her I started at 240 lbs, maybe she would have understood that this wasn't any normal purchase.  This was a milestone.  This was the second pair of size 12 pants that I've ever owned (having gone from a girl's XL straight to a size 14).

My point is this -- some people have to come by their health and size the hard way.  It would be nice for others (both large and small) to not be judgmental along the way.  I'm a firm believer that you can't instantly know a person just by looking at them, and that it's important to recognize that everyone is on their own journey.

Speaking of journeys... this rant is keeping me from getting to the gym...

Disclaimer:  the following rant does not apply to men who love women regardless of their body size, not in spite of or because of.  This is for men that love a woman's wit, personality, charm, intelligence, grace, and style in whatever vessel those traits come in.

Evolutionarily speaking, men should be attracted to women with fat on their bodies (breasts, hips especially), as it signals to them that the woman is healthy enough to carry a child and nurse that child.  However, because medicine, science, and economics play a stronger hand in the health and well-being of a child than ever before, those signals are not as important.

The result is that society often dictates to men (and women) what is attractive.  Instead of health and well-being being attractive, attractiveness is mainly judged by aesthetics now.  Media has been telling men what they should feel is sexy in various cycles that waiver between Flappers and burlesque, Twiggy and Tyra.  I'd even go so far as to say that media, society, and peer pressure are overriding what many men feel is attractive to them.  In other words, they might innately feel attracted to a curvier woman, but they don't want to be judged as unsuccessful because they can't attract a lithe model-like woman (I hope you're thinking about the movie American Psycho and the business cards...).  And as anecdotal evidence -- I know so many men that prefer to have sex with a woman with "a little something extra" versus a thin girl (and again, this is purely aesthetics, nothing about personality) but they won't date the girl with junk in the trunk.

Enter people like Kate Winselt and Christina Hendricks.  Christina Hendricks is a size 14.  Yep. Size 14. (Same size I am, different measurements-- she is 36-32-36).  And she is a bona fide sex symbol.  She didn't need to appear on the cover of New York to give men permission to lust for her, she gave it to them herself:

"All those times I had agents who were like, 'You have to lose some weight,' and all of a sudden, people are celebrating it," she told Health. "It's like: 'Oh, thank you! Thank you for letting me be me.'"

"I was having cappuccinos every day!" she told the magazine. "I would take my clothes off in front of the mirror and be like, 'Oh, I look like a woman.' And I felt beautiful, and I never tried to lose it, 'cause I loved it."

So this post is going to act as a few things:
1.  Kudos to the women who feel comfortable in the skin.  Your sexiness is undeniable.

2.  Kudos to those (friends, lovers, admirers, photographers, artists, etc.) who love women who are comfortable in their skin. 

3.  My empathy for any and all women (and men) who do not feel comfortable in their skin.  I hope you find the joy of your body soon.  You are beautiful just as you are.

4. And a huge FUCK YOU to anyone who tries to put me or anyone else down for loving the body they have.  No matter your size, you have the abilty to love your body.  Do yourself a favor and be generous to yourself.

I was really upset when I saw Crystal Renn's new photos because I thought she was abandoning her message.
I'm really glad that Glamour interviewed her as well as putting up some behind-the-scenes photos from the same shoot.  It's amazing what lighting, cameras, and styling (as well as retouching) can do to make a healthy woman look sick.


 To quote Glamour/Crystal Renn:

GLAMOUR: You told me that your worry was that girls would look at those thin-looking pictures of you and think that you were glamorizing extreme skinniness.

CRYSTAL RENN: Yes. That was a huge fear for me. I thought, "People are going to think that I'm sick—and maybe a girl who’s suffering from an eating disorder sees a picture like this and gives up hope.” People who have followed my story and heard my voice might think I’ve turned my back on that, and that it’s only beautiful to be thin. They’re not going to know where I stand right now, and I understand that. Because if I were in their shoes looking at this picture, I would be disturbed. I would absolutely be disturbed.

GLAMOUR: What would your message be, then, to that girl looking at this picture?

CRYSTAL RENN: I would tell her: I don’t look like that. I absolutely do believe in beauty at every size. And I’d tell her you can’t look at every image you see in this industry and say, "That's exactly how that person looks," because they don’t necessarily look like that. I mean, there is extreme retouching. There is amazing, very expensive clothing that is cut just right to flatter the body. People have trainers and go to great lengths for their bodies. And for that girl who’s thinking she has to be so thin to be accepted? You don’t. It’s not true. I starved myself to be successful, when in fact my real success only came when I became more confident.

Before Dr. Huizenga (the doctor behind The Biggest Loser), there was this curly haired guy with short shorts and a big voice that knew what we know now -- that fat people (1) don't want to be fat but (2) are entirely capable of changing their lives. 

Before there was the Biggest Loser, there was Richard Simmons (who celebrated his 62nd birthday this past week).

I know he's been spoofed, praised, mocked, and villified over the years, but more than anything he has been adored. 

His philosophy is simple: 
(1) Love yourself, you are worthy
(2) You can move, no matter your size
(3) Eat healthily, you need quality fuel

There is no gimmick.  Everything from his videos to his Food Mover promotes these simple ideals.

I chose to write about him today because of his daily message (especially in conjunction with my W.I.D.T.H. photo).  A shorter form appeared as his facebook status:

Have you tried to lose weight for your parents, your spouse or your children? Look, it's just not good enough wanting to lose weight for others. You have to look deep inside and ask yourself what will make you happy. What will put a smile on your face and add a little pep to your step?

(emphasis added)

I read in so many blog/facebook/twitter messages that so many of you see dieting as this delicate balance between control, gratification, deprivation, and splurging.  I read people wanting to lose weight quickly.  I read people getting upset over losing only small amounts.  I read people getting down on themselves because they ate something they truly wanted.   WHAT GIVES!?!?

I want to say over and over again that living our lives is not this tightrope of success and failure, but it's a pursuit of happiness.  And yes, I chose those words very carefully.  When we choose to go down this path, it's a path of liberation, freedom, and independence from all the thoughts, feelings, and (in)actions that got us to where we were. 

Richard Simmons continues in his daily message:

You have to look in the mirror and say to yourself: "I'm going to lose this weight and it has to be all about me, me...ME!" Keep filling your mind with positive thoughts about yourself and just wait 'til you see the positive things that will happen in your life!

And let me tell you something. There's so much to like about you. I mean that. You're a good person, filled with kindness. You have a good heart and you care about others. You're smart, you have a wonderful sense of humor and people really like you. Please build on those positive qualities about yourself.

Yes...I want you to get every morning liking who you are! I want you to walk up to that mirror in the morning and really like who you see. And remember, all of these positive changes in your life begin with your wanting to always please...YOU!

I'm beginning to look at my body much differently now.  From the grace of my ankles, to the strength of my arms, to how my belly is changing, to how strongly my heart is beating.  More than being worthy of the healthy food, and the exercise, I'm finding that I'm worthy of my own body, of loving it, of it being loved.  Yeah I might post self-depricating comments about myself, but I'm not yet at the point where I'm ready to toot my own horn publicly.

Today while I was at lunch, two girls from the Independent Women's Forum asked me what feminism means to me.  I have very mixed feelings about feminism -- because sometimes I think it created more problems (i.e. the whole sexual revolution making it hard for people in my generation to have relationships with someone before having sex with them). 

Eventually I rambled on some definition that I thought worked -- "Feminism is about kindness -- the kindness that women show each other and that men show women.  It's about the respect we not only show each other, but that we show ourselves." 

I am not sure if that's really feminism, or if that is my Buddhist background about equanimity, compassion, and mindfulness doing the talking. 

So what do you think feminism is?  How does it relate to your own struggles?

On being called "the chubby Renee Zellweger" in the media years ago:

"My feelings were so hurt by that story, I ended up bingeing on an entire cake. Afterward, I actually tried to throw it all up, but thankfully I couldn't do it. It made me think, 'I can't go down this road.' I had seen so many performers develop eating disorders or try to control their weight with drugs, and I decided I would do no harm to my body."

Her advice to women:
"We should be more like men, God bless 'em. They can take their shirts off and show their man boobs, and they don't give a hoot. But women are so critical of themselves. We can be gorgeous and hot and still be embarrassed to wear a tank top. So if you can't stop looking in the mirror, at least try to not think badly about yourself when you do."

2. I will not think badly about myself when I look in the mirror.
 
I'd love to see you all repost/link this to your blogs and/or to send me a comment that you'll do the same.

Let us rise up and be thankful,
for if we didn't learn a lot today,
at least we learned a little,
and if we didn't learn a little,
at least we didn't get sick,
and if we got sick,
at least we didn't die;
so let us all be thankful.  ~ Buddha