FatGirl vs World

Buddhists have a term -- dukkha -- that often gets translated as "suffering." But the term dukkha is much more complex than just the sensation of suffering:  Dukkha is the dissonance between what is (the present moment) and that which was (the past) and/or that which we want (the next moment).  Quite often the dukkha comes from the desire to control what happens in the next moment -- controlling a situation, an outcome, and even our own self.  Buddhists hope to end or mitigate dukkha by focusing on what is true and real in the present moment.


I've yet to find someone looking to lose weight/gain health that isn't suffering.  I see it in their eyes and I hear it in their words.  They suffer the past unhappiness and trauma that lead them to gaining the weight.  They suffer the present moment of having to carry the physical and emotional weight.  They suffer the anxiety and fear of having to live the rest of their life on a diet or in a gym.

Past:  So many people who are looking to lose weight are held back by their feelings about the past (disclaimer:  in the case of trauma, any investigation into the past should be done in a safe and moderated environment such as a psychologist's office so as to not cause further trauma).   In my opinion, it is next to impossible to change your life until you address the past and untangle yourself from its influence.  It's not about denying that your past happened, it's about saying that you're no longer going to let it dictate your present and future. Understanding one's past is much different than being held hostage by it.

Present:  The present is the only part in your timeline where you have any control, any say, any choice. In order to truly be in the present moment, you need to forgive yourself for any missteps that you may have made in the past and then let it metamorphose into the love you have for yourself today. Believe it or not, this is the way to enjoy the weight loss/health gain process.  Transformation cannot come from a place of shame, deprivation, anger, fear, or outside influence. It comes with having your mind and heart connected to your body in this very moment. You will have good days and bad, and moments that are hard, but you will find the strength to endure because this is a process of love.  Be a part of the the process; not apart from it.

Future:  The future is anything that has not already occurred and is not happening at the present moment. It's a place of endless possibilities.  When we try to control situations, outcomes, people, we restrict those possibilities of what could be.  Who knows, maybe the universe has something better for us than we could have ever imagined with our limited point of view.  The magic happens here.  When we learn to let go of our anxiety and fear in the present, we open a door to the future.  It's the ultimate act of relinquishment -- to give in to the process and say "let this path take me on a journey" versus "I know where I am going."

Now... just because I understand these concepts doesn't mean I'm a good practitioner of these things all the time.  I know that I hold on to the past; a past defined in loss. I find myself so focused on trying to get through things in the future that I have blinders to the present moment.  I forget that I can make healthy choices even while I feel inundated.  And I'm so very bad at trusting a future based on present actions.

BUT, I'm able to practice awareness of these things. I can catch myself in moments where I'm stuck in the past, or where I'm trying to architect a future. I feel the dissonance in my body when I'm trying too hard to control things that are not within my purview to control.

Shotover River, South Island, NZ

Sometimes I just close my eyes and imagine myself in a stream, and instead of trying to swim upstream, I just accept the flow, relinquish control, stop resisting, and enjoy being a part of the flow.

I'm always dubious when magazines claim "Must Read!" on the cover, but in Cosmopolitan--June 2013, the "Must Read" turned out to be something worth sharing:

I've posted a few links on Facebook and Twitter regarding Mika Brzezinski's new book, "Obsessed: America's Food Addiction and My Own."  I think that the book and all the interviews (check out this one) surrounding the book point out a really important issue, not just for our weight loss/health gain community, but a larger issue that addresses the biases and prejudices we have towards how we view other people.  I will state here that I have not had a chance to read the book. 

To look at Mika, you'd see a thin, beautiful, successful woman (she's a co-host on the TV show "Morning Joe") and mother.  You would never guess that she is a disordered eater (Mika is a binge eater, bulimic, food restrictor, and an exercise bulimic).  She makes a good point that "Eating disorders affect women of all shapes and sizes.  I think that's important to talk about because so many women need help." [men too!]

In other words, you could look at someone (a friend, a family member, a stranger) and be jealous of the body (thin, toned, etc.) they have and have no clue as to their daily struggles. (For instance -- time when I asked this very thin woman in a store how she stayed so thin and she smiled, revealing some of the most medieval-looking braces you've ever seen.  She said it was because it hurt to eat.)  You could look at someone who is overweight/obese and assume that they're doing nothing to take care of themselves (*makes stink eye at the random guy who once told me to "put down the Twinkies."). 

And because we make these assumptions, we don't ask people how they are doing.  We assume they're okay, or aware of their own problems and are addressing them.  We assume they are getting adequate support.  The book was born out of one friend (Mika) telling her friend (Diane Smith) that she was worried about her weight (Diane was 75-100lbs overweight).  But the other half of the conversation was a confession that Mika was miserable, that she was slowly dying in her war against her body.

Mika and Diane realized that though they were on different sides of the spectrum, they had many of the same issues regarding balancing the need to eat and the terror of food, issues regarding body image and societal pressures/perceptions.  Together, Diane lost weight and Mika is learning how to be okay with having gained 15 pounds or so. 

The weight loss/health gain community is wonderful, but I must admit that I see some people that choose to put on a sunshiney veneer when they're actually having trouble.  I worry that some people write one thing and do another.  Then they go radio silent because they're ashamed for not being perfect all the time instead of reaching out for help.  Or deep down they know that what they're doing isn't healthy, and so they try to hide it.

Supporting someone is easy when you're applauding their successes. But I think true friendship and love is when you're willing to risk that friendship/love to say "Talk to me.  I'm worried about how you are treating yourself" instead of choosing to look away. 

The whole point of this post is just to remind you (yes, YOU) that even if you feel like you're alone and no one understand your particular struggles, that every single human being understands what it is like to struggle.  Struggle is the pathway to empathy.  And the more we talk about this with each other, the more we bring into focus what it truly means to be healthy both physically, emotionally, mentally as individuals, as a community, as a society. 

People always ask me "I'm overweight and I don't know where to begin."  I always tell people to start where there's joy. In other words, I tell them to think about their childhood and the types of games they liked to play.  If I didn't have someone to play with (tag, basketball, catch), I would grab my hula hoop, Skip It, or jump rope. 

This is how you start working on undoing the mentality that exercise is a punishment or chore.  It's fun!

My dear cousin Efrat made me this adult-sized hoop two years ago (check out this video on how to make a DIY hoop -- think about having a hoop-making party with friends!).  I love hula hooping (check out this video of me hooping!).  It's something I can do while watching a movie, or listening to music.  It helps me loosen up some of the muscles in my back that get stiff from overcompensating for my spinal injuries.  And it's FUN!

The building where I live has a rooftop with a great view and a pool.  I am a child of the summer, of the beach, of swimming and of the pool.  I'm also Irish and burn easily.  Mea culpa on that one, I shouldn't have been as cavalier about being outside (Instead of 20-30 minutes in the sun without sunblock, I had an hour in the sun before putting SPF40 on).

But what was I doing in that hour?  I was hula hooping in a bikini while listening to music. For the first 20 minutes I was alone, but then I had company.  My first instinct was to cover up.  Who wants to see the fat girl hula hooping by the pool? (And compared to all the other girls that normally frequent the pool, I am the fat girl.) (But yes, lil sis, I'm still working on my body and mind to stop seeing myself as fat... it's a struggle).   

But I sat with that feeling for a second.  Instead of imagining people looking at me and judging me, I tried to change the mental dialogue into them looking at me and being jealous that they didn't have a hoop, or impressed that I have such awesome moves, or even just happy for me that I was doing something I loved.  The anxiety always passes.  The grace always returns.  The sunburn lasts.

My mental process has been up, down, and all over the place.
I have my sights set on undoing the weight I gained from taking my foot off the pedal last year + the four months of inactivity due to injury.  It was so much easier when I had a goal I needed to achieve. 
The biggest part of the my journey has been in trying to find a "new normal." Finding balance. 

I have been hemming and hawing in regards to this -- letting other things take precedence.  "But I don't want to re-aggravate my injury" is a valid concern, but "I want to drink 7 beers and drink fried food" is not.  I need to remind myself of why I undertook this journey.  I want heath. I want weight loss. I want to look at myself in the mirror and know I've done everything in my power to honor the commitment I made to myself at the beginning of the journey.

**waves**
Remember me? The person that used to post multiple times a day just last year? Hah! Not anymore!

What follows is a mish-mosh of things going on in my life and in my head.

1.  So remember this post about the blue dress?  Well, I wore it to my cousin's wedding this past weekend.  Apparently between the dress and my hair, I was unrecognizable to a few family members.  More than a few people wondered who I was, couldn't recognize me, or thought my dad had brought some hot date.  **falls over giggling** But best of all was my grandpa.  When I walked over to say hi to him, he said to me "Well here comes danger."  Hah!

2. Every time I get tea from the break room, I always think about my mom.  I learned to drink tea the Irish way with her -- three sugars and milk.  Years of three sugars and milk.  Even my coworkers at the Irish bar where I used to work made tea the same way.  Emily made tea the same way for me once.  It was a bit of a shock to see people drink tea with one spoonful of sugar or honey, and no milk or with lemon.  You know, kids learn what they live (both healthy and unhealthy habits) -- and sometimes as an adult we have to un-learn the bad habits.

3.  I like this article -- and especially this quote:  The action has to come first. You have to take the action before you know where it's going to lead you without knowing the outcome and irrespective of your mind-set or how you feel at the time. ~Rich Roll  I think it's very much like how Buddhists believe that control creates suffering -- if you're focused on an outcome, you stop seeing possibilities. And then there's the whole idea of "fake it til you make it" -- that sometimes the momentum of action leads to a change in behavior.

4.  #GoTheDist Stuff!! 
So many of you have been freaking out about the numbers.  Not just like "Eh, I don't think I'll hit 100%, but ZOMG!! IF I DON'T HIT 100% IT WILL BE ALL FOR NAUGHT!"  Crazypants people. Absolutely crazypants.  

First, how about a healthy dose of perspective -- how much would you be doing if not for the challenge?  How much were you doing this time last year?  Where's the line (in your mind) between success and failure?  It's not the numbers you need to freak out about, it's about how you choose to approach this.  You can either let it overwhelm you, or you can just say "you know what? I'm going to CHOOSE to do what I can, and I'm going to CHOOSE to be proud of what I do."   That applies whether you've completed 1% of your goal, 10% of your goal, 50% of your goal, 80% of your goal or 100% or more of your goal. 

Secondly, I want to talk numbers with you and I'd love to get some feedback.
How did you come up with your yearly goal, your quarterly goals and your monthly breakdowns? 

I looked at my mileage from last year (I calculated from October 2010-October 2011, or 254 miles), factored in my neck injury (I'd need some time in the beginning of the year to rehab), added a bit to make it a bit of a challenge and I came up with 800 miles.  To allow for rehab, I broke down my mileage into two halves -- the first half would be 350 miles, and the second half would be 450 miles.  I thought 300/500 would have been too lopsided of a split.  To do 350 miles in the first 26 weeks, I'd need to average a very manageable 13.5 miles a week on the elliptical.  Because I was unable to run in January, February, and half of March, I knew I had to haul ass during the second quarter (April, May, June).  The second half of the year works out to be about 17 miles a week.  Even with my injuries, I know 17 miles is doable.  If I come up short, I'll know that I did what I could.  If I end up going over that goal, I'll be okay with it because I know I afforded my body the time to rehab. 

So how did you set your goals? Did you look at what you've done in the past as a way to inform what you want to do in the future, or did you pull the number out of thin air?  I'm not trying to be judgey.  Your number is your own, but if you're not hitting your goals (or even if you're surpassing it by too much) are you being honest with yourself, your actions, your abilities, and your focus?

I'll repeat a phrase I love saying (regarding just about anything) DO THE MATH.
Don't pick goals out of thin air.
Don't pick daily calorie intake restrictions out of thin air.
Don't pick workout goals out of thin air.
Don't pick a random number of lbs to lose before you feel victorious.

5.  I've been thinking a lot about @KCLAnderson's post "Choose Your Easy" and my own reaction to it.   She was talking about the photo to the right -- "choose your hard."

It reminded me of the Buddhist aphorism:

Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional.

It also reminds me of the idea of the Second Arrow as well -- because the picture to the right isn't just about the physical aspects, now is it?  The subtext, in my opinion, is that choosing to lose weight and address the psychological issues behind it is hard (not just the physical act of dropping lbs).  Choosing to change all of your behaviors for the rest of your life is a hard choice to make (not just finding the time to get to the gym or reading every nutritional label). 

The picture suggest that while losing weight is hard, that staying fat is harder.  I don't think so.  I think the climb up from rock bottom is the hardest.  Being in a body that you have not treated with reverence and love is absolutely crushing some days.

I think that choosing to let go of the judgments that have prevented our actions is what's really hard.

If you've had "The Epiphany" you know I'm partially right.  While I think it's easier for someone to say they decided to lose weight because they were "tired of being fat," I suspect that the real reason was because they realized that fat or not that they were worth the air they breathed and the space they occupied in this world.  It's about New Rule 4b:  I am on this journey because of the courage I had when I took the first step.  Every step after that first one has been full of joy regardless of how my body aches or how much sweat is forming a river down my back. 

Most of us have chosen to end one way we've been suffering (our poor health) and take up the temporary pains that will ultimately liberate us from that suffering.  In regards to the second arrow -- we deliberately choose the pain to which we expose ourselves.  Sore muscles.  Blisters on our feet.  Callouses on our hands.  Early mornings.  Passing up the ice cream sundae.  But we have also learned to not judge ourselves or others for it.  There's no more second arrow when we say "That's okay, I'm going to do what's right for me."  I don't know about you, but I felt so unburdened the first time I stood in a bar and told a friend "You know what? I'd rather be in the gym" and she said "Well, go do it then!"

I think that when we decide to step out of our own way, we begin to be believe that nothing is hard (and thus not worth exploring).   Sure, some days are a challenge.  Some hills are steeper.  Some choices are more plan than impulse.  But when we choose to believe in our own self  we both broaden our knowledge of what is and is not possible and deepen our ability to trust ourselves.

But when you step out of your own way, you discard any judgement of hard or easy. 
All that's left is "This is what I need to do.  This is where I need to be.   This is who I am.  This is right for me."  You are not swimming against the current (hard), being swept up by the current (easy); you are the current.

No judgment.  No fear.  Just one day at a time.  One foot in front of the other.

Don't "Choose Your Hard"
Just choose yourself.
Choose your journey.

6.  Don't you hate it when you try to write a short entry and this happens?

(Article 1) (Article 2) (Article 3) (Article 4) (Article 5) (Article 6) (Article 7) (Article 8) (Article 9) 
Now, in the back of your mind, juxtapose this article with all of the Maury Povich episodes that featured obese toddlers with parents that said they had no control over what their kids eat, that they wanted to give their kids what they didn't have growing up, and that they were showing love by indulging/giving in to their child's demands.

In response, I want to focus on what I think the dialogue should be:   If a parent is, or learns to be, (mentally, physiologically, emotionally) healthy themselves, the greater the chance that they will be able to raise a healthy child, and have a healthy relationship with that child.  It's not perfect, and it's no guarantee, but I do believe it increases the probability of having a healthy kid.

Parents should be able to say "I have a problem with food/body image, and I needed to help myself so I can help my kids."  And they should have the resources (education, counseling, support groups) available to help make healthy and considered decisions for their kids.  Instead, I think we see some people having kids either before they've dealt with their own issues, or having kids as a way to work out their own issues.

Being a parent is not a right, it is a privilege that comes with responsibilities.  Among these responsibilities is making sure that your child is healthy.  I think the phrase putting your child "on a diet" sounds more pejorative than saying you're paying attention to and regulating your child's nutrition and health.  It's a semantic difference--between depriving them (of crappy food that has been making them sick) and giving them a life (full of emotional, physical, and psychological well-being).

If you've been following my blog, you know that I've talked about the issues my parents had regarding food and self image.  And hopefully you also know that, more than anything, I wish that their parents had done a better job of taking care of my parents.  But like Jack Kornfield says, "Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."  I can't change those things, but I can do my best to understand and contextualize things.  I can also break the cycle.

That being said, as a child who had two parents with their own demons, I wish someone (a doctor, a relative, a teacher) had stepped in and said "do you realize your daughter has a weight problem?"  I wouldn't have wanted them to write about it in an international magazine, but I would have greatly appreciated them recognizing they were out of their depth and needed help. 

So that leaves me with a few questions: 
(1)   How are parents responsible for regulating what their kids eats?
(2)   Should parents openly talk with a child about the child's weight, nutrition, health?
(3)   Should the dialogue with a child be more focused about weight or health?
(4)   When should a parent be concerned about a child's weight?

I want to thank Sheryl/Ms. Bitch Cakes for pointing out this article.

Both Sheryl and the article so eloquently and concisely point out:

Your body was made for so much more than being looked at, deprived of food, and enjoyed by others. Your body was made for kicking some ass.

I want you to remember this (as will I) as you're in the gym, as you're fueling your body....

Last night in #Fitblog chat we were talking about what "diet" means to us -- and I made the point that "diet" and "diety" are so close.  Combine that with the idea of "namaste" -- seeing the divinity in everyone -- then maybe our diets are how we honor and worship our own bodies.

I remember being at the Museum of Natural History, taking a class with Dr. Douglas Ubelaker when he was trying to illustrate a very important point -- we could use our formulas to determine what "race" a certain set of bones belonged to (I put "race" in quotes because it's archaic terminology that isn't accurate in describing ethnicity) but while our data might lead us to one set of conclusions, the reality of the situation might be different.  In other words, the amount of variation within any one "race" was greater than the variation between the "races":  we have more in common than meets the eye.

You might be thinking "what the heck does this have to do with weightloss/health gain."  Well, remember last month I posted a blog about jealousy and making assumptions?  Well a conversation I had today really drove this point home.  A coworker of mine is a beautiful woman, who wears probably a size 4, is french, and tall and lean.  We were at the gym together tonight and we got to talking about what we were trying to accomplish (she wants to lose the weight she added on in America, and I guess I could say the same).  She had gained 12lbs in the 4 months she's been here! I had no idea where she hid it!

I was surprised when she brought up the subject of emotional eating, or eating out of boredom.  I kinda did a double take.  This beautiful thin woman had the same issues I have.  She talked about her love and lust for ice cream and cookies.  She talked about her frustration of not being able to find fresh fruits and vegetables for lunch.  She talked about how food is omnipresent in our lives -- we can't escape the sights and smells of food.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  And I scolded myself a little bit for not thinking that she too could have the same weaknesses as I did.

But bless her heart.  We were trying to convert pounds to kilograms and I said that I weigh around 195lbs (I looked it up, I am actually 88 kg--so yay me for having a grasp on math!!) and she said in her cute french accent "Zat eez not pozzible!"  She thought I weighed 80kg or so, or 176 lbs.  So yeah, she's my new best friend.  Sorry Emily.  Sorry Nancy.

In celebration of my 100th follower (the lovely Frannie Dee), my wonderful dietician Rebecca Scritchfield has agreed to answer five question that hopefully will help you on your journey to becoming a healthier you!  She's helped me identify areas where I need to be more mindful and can improve.  I've lost 13 lbs since first meeting her!

So a hearty thanks to her on a personal level, but also for answering the questions below for all of my blog followers.  First, get to know a little about Rebecca!

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First, let me explain something about nutritionists. Technically, anyone can hang up a sign and call themselves a nutritionist because it is not a real health professional term. This is important because there are for-profit companies that offer weekend and online courses in nutrition and provide a "certification," but it's not actually anything that let's people legally provide nutrition services in Washington, DCt and many states.

I think anyone can benefit from a visit with a nutrition expert. Look for a registered dietitian (RD). These are health professionals who have completed the minimum criteria of graduating with a 4-year degree from an accredited college or university, an accredited dietetic internship, and passed national board examinations.

I specialize in healthy weight management and sports nutrition. I help people fuel with good food to meet their lifestyle needs whether they get 2 hours of exercise a week or 20.

[Rebecca has 3 main areas in her practice:  sports nutrition; weight management; and medical nutrition therapy.]

First off, how many people actually see a general practitioner once a year? Most doctors will weigh their patients, but they fall short of talking to them about their weight, nutrition habits, and exercise schedule. In fact, a March 2010 survey of physicians showed that 72% of doctors said that nobody in their office is trained on dealing with weight management problems.

Enter the nutrition expert. That's our expertise. We have a nutrition care process for accurately assessing and diagnosing nutrition problems and working with clients on a plan for making behavior changes. We're also on top of the latest scientific evidence and research on weight management and we follow trends in the culinary and food industry worlds as well.

I've been on and off diets since I was 12 years old and if there's one thing I learned it's that they are a total waste of time and energy. In fact, UCLA research has even shown that people who diet are worse off than people who don't.  They gain all the weight back -- and more! I don't diet anymore and I don't let my clients diet either. We talk a lot about healthy nutrition, hunger/fullness, and emotional eating. We also talk about exercise and stress management. It's much harder to commit to exploring the barriers to achieving a healthy weight, but the rewards are worth it.

"Quick and easy" depends on the person's perspective. For example, I can say "don't drink your calories, switch from soda to water or calorie free beverages", but some people may find that to be a hard change. Maybe they could try to cut their beverage calories in half to start.

The best thing I can suggest to everyone is don't do anything you can't keep up the rest of your life. That's why I tell people to pick a "small change" and commit to one week or even one day of trying it out. You may decide to eat two fresh fruits a day as a small change. After the first week, you're willing to try it again... and again... and before you know it, it's your behavior.

The second best thing I can suggest is eating 3-4 times a day and moderate portions. Many people eat only twice a day and it's just not possible to get the vitamins, minerals, fiber, and balance of nutrients in only 2 meals a day. They might meet your calorie needs, but it is not just calories that determine your health.

When I do a nutrition assessment, I analyze their current usual eating habits and compare that to their estimated needs. I'll figure out the differences between where they are and where they should be to reach their goals. Calories are definitely involved, but I really try to make sure we're not spending our time in sessions talking "numbers" because it is behaviors that matter.

If someone is under their calorie needs it could be a lack of knowledge  -- people want to eat healthy, but they are being too restrictive. They're undereating and won't lose weight because the body is resistant. It could also be an eating disorder, which has a whole other set of signs besides inadequate calorie intake.

If the calorie intake is excessive, usually the biggest barrier is not enough of a balanced plate, where 1/3 to 1/2 the plate as fruits or veggies with the meals. Fruits and veggies are low in calories and full of nutrition. Usually people are going for quick grab-and-go foods they don't make and the calories from the prepared foods add up very quickly.

If people want to meet their nutrition needs, they should invest in themselves and have a nutrition assessment done with a registered dietitian. They will get custom and specific advice for eating healthy based on where they are at right now. It's information that can help them for the rest of their lives.

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I highly suggest you follow Rebecca on Twitter -- as she always has some great information.  Til next time, my loves!

Growing up I didn't have too many friends.  I lived on a block with mostly boys.  I wasn't allowed to really go off the block (though I did).  My mother was an agoraphobe with panic attacks.  She didn't want to drive me to friends' houses. After she died, dad wanted us to either be at school or at home (or a neighbor's house) because we were latchkey kids and he worked almost 2 hours away from home.

The result was that I am not the most social of butterflies, not the person everyone wants to know and be around.  I tend to have a very fluid idea of what friendship is -- that people can come in and out of your life, and so long as they treat you well, and you share some common interests, you can be friends.

Over the years I've been able to further develop my idea of what friendship is because I have had some people in my life show me what being a friend looks like.  To quote Pepe the Prawn:

A friend picks you up
when everyone else
lets you down, okay. 

It's not just when everyone else lets you down, but it's sometimes when you let yourself down, or when life lets you down.  In other words, friends are the people that come around not because it's convenient for them, or they need something, they're the people that come around when they have something to give.

I've tried to live up to this -- putting the people I truly love and want to be friends with before my own wants and needs because taking care of my friends brings me joy.

When I realized that friendship is more than just about convenience, I lost many friends and/or grew wary of them.  I began to realize the people who came around when they wanted something but were nowhere to be found when I was sliding into an endless pit of despair.

That being said, and the point of this post is that sometimes I lead a very lonely life (most of my friends are people I work with/play softball with, or live far away (especially b/c I don't have a car)).  This is why the refrigerator is my boyfriend.  This is why i didn't have plans for Friday night, this is why I don't have plans for tonight.

When people make plans, I hate inviting myself.  I am an absolute wreck when I host people (especially if I'm having a party and no one shows up for the first half hour).  I still get the feeling that people are my friends out of pity. I know that feeling is completely irrational.

It's really easy to say that you have no friends, no boyfriend because you're fat.  However the only reason that could be true is because of the negative vibes that attitude puts out.

If I am an insular person and the fat is my insulation, what will happen when I lose the fat?  I fear and anticipate that I won't have as many reasons to keep people at arm's length (for their protection and mine).

Many companies are beginning to realize that the health of their employees has a strong correlation to health insurance premiums.  In response, they're beginning wellness programs.

For instance, in my company we have:

• a Wellness Committee
• weekly yoga classes
• lectures
• nutritionists
• sports trainers
• a lumbar specialist
• health screenings
• access to smoking cessation resources
• a yearly "wellness reimbursement" of $200
• access to Lifeworks (a comprehensive resource for just about everything, including health care advocates, advice and tips for just about everything from health, to finances, to happiness)
• a "Lose to Win" challenge 
• A gym/sauna in the building (though i wish the towels were an inch or five bigger)
• Discounts to local gyms

And i'm positive I'm forgetting something....

I was glad for the nutritionists that came in, but I don't think it was very comprehensive or motivational.  I searched the internet for a local nutritionist to come in that I thought could put a new spin on what we've already heard (calorie restriction, exercise, cheese is evil).  I hit paydirt when I came upon Rebecca Scritchfield. Part of the reason why I liked her is because she was an adjunct professor at my alma mater.  Secondly, she used the GoWear Fit system, which I had already purchased and had begun to utilize.  And thirdly, I thought she could speak to the people who were looking to lose lots of weight or even a few pounds.

So, not only does she have her own practice, but she also works with The Biggest Loser Season 5 At-Home winner, Bernie Salazar, in spreading their "Nurture Principles."  (you can follow both on Twitter: @nurturprincipls, @berniesalazar, and @ScritchfieldRD -- all twitter feeds have lots of great information and tips)

So I mentioned this to someone in Human Resources (who is also on the Wellness Committee) when she asked about my GoWear Fit.  Little did I know that they were looking to bring in a nutritionist for part of their Wellness-themed Staff Appreciation Week.  SCORE!  It just goes to show you that sometimes if you ask you actually do receive.

Instead of inundating the people in the seminar with information about calories, percentages, facts, figures, doom and gloom, they were fun and addressed the very first question that any dieter really faces -- "Do I want to change?" 

They gave us some facts, figures, tips and tools, but from talking to the participants in the seminar, what I really got was that people didn't feel like they were being being talked down to.  It was mainly the absence of the doom & gloom talk about the consequences of failing to make the change.  They were being reminded of their ability to make good choices and effectuate positive changes even if they weren't out running marathons, competing in triathalons, or starving themselves skinny.  That and there was a life-size photo of Bernie pre-TBL standing in the room. 

So the point of this entry is to OPEN YOUR MOUTH for something other than food.  Had I not mentioned Rebecca to HR, they might not have brought her in to give the seminar (and I'm hoping they'll ask her back!).  Sitting next to me in the seminar was a dear friend who has promised at every turn to help me and motivate me because I shared with her how painful it is to have injured myself over the past 16 years with all this weight.  I ask people for recipes, training tips, or general questions about health and well-being.

I highly recommend going to the Nurture Principles site as there is lots of great information there.  And if your company has a wellness/health committee, perhaps ask if they can invite Rebecca and Bernie to give a talk.

Last night I gave myself a day pass to drink some beer with friends at Zane Lamprey's Drinking Made Easy tour.  Om nom nom.  Abita's Purple Haze is delicious.  The show was hilarious!  I got myself a 72 oz. "Good Burp" mug, which will be living at work for my water.

But I think it served as a good farewell to drinking party -- end on a high note -- for a while until I make some real progress here.  I keep dancing over/under 200, and I'd like to say under 200.   Not drinking will definitely help me.

So as I'm sitting here writing this, I'm wearing my bikini.  Why?  I have no particular clue.  I think it's almost a rehearsal.  If I'm more comfortable wearing it around myself, the more bravado I'll have in my reserves for when I wear it in public (date TBD), just like practicing good eating habits at home make it easier to have good eating habits when I go out (the pizza I ate on my way home from the show was decidedly not a good choice, but sooo yummy).

So yeah... doot da do... last night I had some people kinda amazed that I have triceps.  Two words: Wii Boxing.  I know it's a silly video game, but there ya go.  They gave me triceps.  I'd love to take real boxing lessons, but I don't know how good that'd be for my back (all the torque) but man I wish I had found it before my injuries.

Foodwise, I think I've found the best items on the best way to navigate my favorite local Thai place.  My first step was to get away from my favorite meal:  Drunken Noodles (Choice of beef, chicken, pork or seafood sautéed with wide rice noodle, onions, tomatoes, basil leaves and sweet peppers in spicy garlic sauce).  So tasty, but so bad.  I moved on to the Sweet Melody (Choice of beef, chicken, pork or seafood sautéed with pineapple, tomatoes, cucumber, sweet peppers, scallions, onions in a sweet and sour sauce) in the Drunken Noodle garlic chili sauce instead of the sweet & sour sauce.  But my new plan of attack is to order off the appetizer menu.  Tricky, I know.

I have three options I'm currently loving:

• Fresh Garden Rolls (Mixed vegetables, rice noodles, wrapped in rice paper served with special sauce and crushed peanut)
• Fresh Mango Salad (Julienned fresh mango, red onions and cilantro tossed in a spicy lime dressing and sprinkled with crispy fried coconut)
• Mixed Grilled Seafood (Shrimp, scallops, and squid on a skewer with pineapple and tomatoes)

So I get home from work, check my personal email, then put on my gym clothes.  The thunderstorm had cleared the city and I thought I'd go for a nice walk to take in all the sights (how verdant the city is), smells, and sounds (the choir of birds happily chirping).

I made it as far as my bed.

I slept from 8:00-4:00 am.  FAIL.
But you know what?  I'm not going to let that keep me down.  I mean, my body very clearly said "I want sleeeeeep."  So even if it wasn't convenient to me, or in line with my plans for the evening, I answered the call of my body by giving it what it asked for.

And now I'm up and about and preparing for that walk.   Though, I haven't decided whether I want to go for a walk or go to the gym to use the elliptical... maybe both... as I promised my friend that my butt was hers to kick in the gym.

[[Edit:  1 hr running on the elliptical at gym on a 10/8, 4/2 interval:  7+km; 758 calories burned.   I think my body wanted that as well.]

Remember in science class (probably chemistry) when we are introduced to scientific scales that need to be re-zeroed before they can be used?  You hit the tare button. 

I think in the very same way I need to hit the tare button on my ability to drink.  Last night I behaved myself all through the post-softball caloric train wreck:  I didn't drink beer (I did have coke, which is unusual for me, but also had lots of water) and didn't eat all the fried foods that were available (I did have one chicken tender and made sure I savored it).  Then the party got moved from the dining room of the restaurant, to the bar. 

3 beers and a shot of tequila = 700-750 calories.  Ugh.  But not too bad b/c I burned 2800+ calories on the day.

I woke up this morning thinking (1) it was Friday (which it was not) and (2) that having your yearly physical/blood tests while you're hungover probably doesn't make a good impression on your doctor.  But luckily it is Thursday, and the appointment is tomorrow. 

To get my stomach properly oriented (as I rarely get headachey hangovers anymore, it's all digestive hangovers/proof that I shouldn't drink b/c my body doesn't like it) I ate an everything bagel with egg and sausage, a Naked Red Machine, and a banana.  I'm estimating this was all around 1000 calories.

Ugh again!!

I think the lesson I really need to learn is that it's truly not worth drinking in terms of calories, how I feel, and the recovery involved.  If I'm going to drink, it better be high quality and for a special occasion.

You know the scenario:
A group of friends go out to a bar for no occasion in particular.  The intent is to have a few drinks. 
By the end of the night 10 pitchers of beer have been demolished.  Nachos, wings, burgers....

In other words, a caloric minefield.

In the past you might have been the one encouraging people to drink, ordering more appetizers... but oh no... this time you order nachos with chicken to share and stick to 3 bottles of a beer you like instead of the generic lite beer from a pitcher into an refillable pint glass.

In other words, a social eating victory.

When someone teased you about how you're not drinking as fast as everyone else, you did not respond by ordering another beer.  You just enjoyed the one you had.  When you heard it was half-price burger night, instead of thinking "Oh what a great deal!" you asked yourself instead "Well, am I actually hungry?"

In other words, being mindful.

Sometimes these changes are really subtle, but changes they are.

Every year, as the days get longer, I get this giddy feeling.  I know it's coming.



I've been playing softball for a long time (even down to playing T-ball on my brother's team with my hair hiding in my hat...).  I love it.  I love the competition, the camaraderie, the suspense.  The hot dogs, the pixie sticks, the soda as a child and as an adult, the beer, chicken wings, and the pizza.

With my back the way it is, I always worry about softball.  It's a strenuous sport on my back -- lots of bending, running (yes, a fat girl can haul ass around the bases), and twisting.  But in my head I've always said to myself (and sometimes to other people) that if I'm going to go down, I'm going to go down swinging.  That being said, I've had to adjust how I play the game -- from my swing, to my pitch, to my throw..... and now what I eat after the game.

I won't begrudge anyone their celebratory beers and carb-loading, but I need to make a change for myself.  Luckily the bar we go to post-game is a bar/restaurant that I've been going to since I was in college and the owners know and love me.   The menu is a minefield of fried and fatty foods, but my team has gotten in the habit of ordering veggie plates before any of the fried food comes out.   I'm also very lucky that many of my teammates understand my back issues and also know I'm trying to stay healthy.  Even during the off-season they're very supportive.

So who knows what's in store for me.  All I know is that this season will see many victories, on and off the field.

And yes, I need to buy more Brita Filters b/c I put my last new one in....

July 22 Update:

What do you call a group of people running together when they're not racing against each other, fleeing from or toward something, and don't have pitchforks?

All joking aside, I've been getting my ass out of bed to exercise.  On Monday I worked out at my work gym after I was done for the day. Two of my friends were there.  Yesterday morning, I planned on going to the gym, but instead I cursed at the alarm clock.  This morning I schlepped my butt out of bed and went running.  There were lots of people there at 7am.

I used to go to a gym where I'd see one or two people I knew, but it's so weird to be sweating with people who are higher up on the food chain than I am.  But did a single one judge me?  Heck no.

I think that's the point -- you do the work, you get the respect for putting in the time.
It makes you want to go back time after time.

Also, I cannot stress enough the importance of having the support to do this.  I don't have people tempting me left and right (like normal) so I know that if I get that cupcake, it's my own fault, yanno? If I drink those three vodka drinks, it's me who has to work it off. Though it's on my shoulders, having cheerleaders makes all the difference -- people asking if you're going to the gym, people asking how you're doing, etc.