Kiss it. Seriously.

So I'm walking back to my office from picking up my new phone (4th phone in 2 months thanks to a watery grave, a thief, and a technical ...

So I'm walking back to my office from picking up my new phone (4th phone in 2 months thanks to a watery grave, a thief, and a technical glitch) when I cross a busy intersection where I have the walk sign.
This guy in a black sedan lays on his horn thinking that his car belongs in the intersection more than I do.
Normally this wouldn't bother me too much, except he doesn't see the woman crossing opposite me with a baby carriage.

As soon as I pass he rolls down his window to graciously inform me in a loud voice that my ass is "wider than the road" and I should get said ass out of said road.  Why thank you, dear sir for the PSA.

I am a New Yorker, and what this douchelord doesn't know is that the only part of me larger than my ass is my mouth.  "You want to come back here and tell me that to my face, you ill-mannered dillhole?  My fatass will then kick yours."

He tries to say something, but I've so clearly won the affection of the crowd that was standing by waiting to cross the street that I turn around and walk away.

A Golden Triangle Ambassador (people hired by the business improvement district to keep the street clean and help give tourists directions) asks me if I'm okay, as if I should be quaking in my boots.  All I can come up with is "Eh, my ass used to be bigger." 

As if running 10 miles last night on the elliptical didn't do it, that little performance did. 
My lunch from Chipotle tastes like victory.

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  1. Love it. I am cheering for you!

  2. Love love love love that post! Kudos to you for having your wits about you. Hard to be an asshole when someone hands you your 'tude right back. ;) Good job!

  3. sorry that had to happen to you, but good come back! Good for you!

  4. Good for you. Wouldn't it be magical if he actually thought about what a jerkface he was? Even for 1 minute?

    Why yes, I do partially inhabit a fantasy land in my head where everyone spends time introspectively examining themselves with all the magnifying power of an electron microscope.

  5. oh my gahd, I love this.
    So many times I have wished to be able to retort to someone like this - to rip him a new one. Just once, I'd like that "someone" to be a stranger on the street (instead of some insensitive family member) so I can give him a lashing. ;)

  6. Singing "We are the champions" in my head now. You go! Bonus points for use of the term douchelord.

  7. Best. Response. Ever. You are quick on your feet! I honestly cannot believe how rude some people are!

  8. DB is right !!! The nerve of some people !! Lovin the New Yorker in you :)

  9. This is wonderful - excellent story - it just made my day!

  10. It would be nice if people thought about what they were saying before they said it.

    It would be nice if courtesy outweighed selfishness.

    But for when it doesn't, I'll be there with a snarky comeback that will remind the world that NO ONE PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER.

    I keep on saying "Sweat is FEAR leaving the body." I don't care what ANYONE says about me. I know who I am. I know how strong I am. I know where my spine is. And nobody. Not even a fucking stranger will get me down or deter me from my path.

    Heli -- I credit my BFF for the term "douchelord." I got it from her.

    Mandy -- just because someone is related to you does NOT give them the right to treat you badly. Just say to that family member "Apparently you take our familial relationship to mean that you can say whatever you want to me and I'll still love you. So have a dose of your own medicine while I tell you exactly what your words do to me and see how much you love yourself after that."

  11. ROFL! Now that's my girl!

    God I love you, and you know that, I hope :-)

  12. Gudrun -- I don't think I'd be this brazen and bold if I didn't know I had the support of all the people (ESPECIALLY YOU!!!) that love me.

    I didn't just stick up for myself. I stuck up for every last one of us.

  13. Great come back love it, who the hell was he to say jack shhh ...

  14. "Eh, my ass used to be bigger" is the best come back line I've ever heard! :) I gotta remember that one.

  15. Way to have a quick comeback! I usually think of something like 30 minutes later... :)

  16. Yes! Way to tell off that dillweed. Keep shaking that ass!

    My husband is from Brooklyn originally, and I admire the ability to cuss out and come up with comebacks so quickly. I wish I could fight off my Midwest 'Shut up and take it' attitude.

    Keep sticking up for us all!

  17. It's totally a brooklyn thing (that's where I'm from).

    I'm from the whole Cyrano De Bergerac school of thought: If you want to insult me, try to do it in a way I haven't heard before or that involves some original thought!

  18. I love it!! I also find the more I sweat the braver I get!! I am kinda looking forward to sticking it to the next wanker who wants to bring me down.

    Love ya girl! You are def an inspiration!

  19. That is freaking awesome!!! I love it! I so would have said that in my head, but you are so badass for saying this out loud!!

  20. Atta girl!! You're my hero!

    Some kids screamed fat ass at me a while back and I was so ticked off by it. I wish I'd had your composure!

  21. LOL, you are so funny. I still can't believe people say stuff like that. I guess here in Canada they just think it in their head. Anyone who says something like that is actually pretty ignorant.

  22. That is amazing, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! Me, being the southern lady that i am, would have gone off on them! I love how some people are so stupid and ignorant and Size-ist! That's my term :)

  23. Either I'm all your new hero, or you all really like me telling people off/defending myself.

    Either way, I love you all -- and I love the comments.

    I'm glad to have defended us all -- for every time we've been picked on because of our size not being what someone else wanted of us. Like I said before, I work hard at being this fat.


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<3 Robby