If not at first....

This has been weighing on my mind lately -- not in a heavy weighty manner, but in a calm pensive manner: What makes this time different? ...

This has been weighing on my mind lately -- not in a heavy weighty manner, but in a calm pensive manner:

What makes this time different?
Why am I so sure that this time is the last?
Why do I feel so confident in my success?

There's always the voice in the back of my head that loves to say "Sure, keep on being cocky. You're just going to fail."  But still there's a louder voice, my voice, saying "No, this is the last time I'm going to lose the weight. I will never gain it back."

The last time I tried to lose the weight was before my back injury in 2007. I got down to 201lbs. I hit a plateau but was confident I'd break through.  I never did.  I went back up to 217 (maybe more) as a result of not being able to walk/move, the steroids, and the depression.

As I write this, I'm at another plateau -- 192lbs. In other words, I'm lower than what I weighed at my HS graduation.  I'm lower than what I weighed at my college graduation.

I don't know where I'll end up, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm not the same person that ate to fill a void.  I'm not the same person who was content to spend hours watching tv at home.  I am not the same person who accepts limitations.

On the inside I'm not the same person. Neither am I the same person on the outside. Not anymore.

So my questions to you are these:

What makes this time different?
Are you sure that this time is the last?
Are you confident in your own success?

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21 comments

  1. There is no last time for me. That's what made this time successful for me. I lost 200 pounds and thought sure it was done. I re-gained 20. I lost it again. I re-gained it back. People gain and lose. Thinking you will ever be done may not be the truth. For me, I have to just accept this as my lifestyle. It works for me.

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  2. I think it's natural to gain weight and lose weight. But there are people who yo-yo because they don't learn the lessons, or they make changes that are too drastic to maintain.

    I'm not ruling out gaining weight in the future, but i won't gain weight the same way i did in the past -- emotional eating, boredom eating, from not feeling worthy of my space in the world, etc.

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  3. This Time the voice says this journey is for life, I am happier than I have EVER been. Failing isn't part of the deal this time, bumps in the road will happen falling and getting back up yes, but failing no

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  4. It's amazing when you know, just KNOW, that this time is something different. I knew it the first day, I think. I may have had moments where I doubted myself, may have had bad days, but I've never lost confidence that this is my LAST rodeo.

    I'm glad to hear you're in that place, too.

    Awesome!

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  5. Rissa Mama -- there are always going to be adjustments and hurdles, but we know how strong and determined we are at this now, right?

    Jack Sh*t -- omg, i feel so cool now that you've replied on my blog :P And you're right -- when you know, you know. Nothing is really shaking that feeling, even the injuries and setbacks. I know that no matter what, I'm seeing this through. The bull and I are becoming friends. No more need to work against each other now. I'm glad to have so many friends IN that place.

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  6. It's different this time because I have finally accepted myself for who I am. I've never been as open and honest about my weight issues until now.

    For me, there's no beginning and no end to this process. This is a lifestyle change that will last the rest of my life. If I mess up, so be it, it's not the end of the world. I just keep at it day by day, doing what I can to move things forward.

    I've come so far but also have a long way to go. I define success by making the best choices I can for myself daily and by making the best choices I succeed.

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  7. Chris -- you also have a whole flock of people rooting for you. We're proud of your honesty and openness and treat it with all due respect and care. You're very brave for sharing your journey with us. I hope that it results in the lasting change you want.

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  8. Last time for me, too, because there may not be a "next time"...and I really want to live to see grandkids, and great grandkids, and maybe even great-great grandkids.

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  9. I think sometimes we think we're ready for the big change in our lives, but not really. Then it's just a cycle until you're really ready. I think subconsciously you were really ready this time around.

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  10. Hmm. I think I agree most with David H.

    This time, I also know it's the right time. My two earlier pregnancies made me lose weight as well, but I always gained it again very fast, despite my resolve to say no.

    I lost 17 kilo before my wedding, but once my goal was over, I slowly slowly regained them, and then some.

    This time? I don't know why, I can't say. I don't have a specific goal to work to, like my wedding or like you and that beautiful gown. I just know. The pregnancy means a hiatus, but not an end. I will lose more, and stay that way. I just know. I think it has to do with maturity: accepting yourself for who you are, and that you're fantastic no matter how. And then the eating is just not that important anymore. Dunno.

    Oh, and the tons of compliments I got this weekend, just made my resolve stronger. I went on LARP weekend, and these people hadn't seen me since early March, 15 kilo ago. Even the most bluntest and blindest of guys complimented me: "Where is the other half? God, you look good!"

    Not gonna gain that weight, not me. Not with your help :-p

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  11. Angela: That's a very good reason. I hope my dad gets that sometime. The more he takes care of himself, the more he'll see of future generations.

    David H: That's kinda what i mean by "The Epiphany" -- it just clicks in our minds in a way it never has before. An Eat-lightenment.

    Gudrun: I can't wait to see first hand just how good you look! With all you have going on (2 kids, a third on the way, a husband, a house, a dog, a job) it would be so easy to not make yourself a priority. But you're doing the work. I'm so so so proud of you!

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  12. For me, I never really think/know that "this" time will be the last. I know it's going to be a lifelong effort. (Notice I didn't say "challenge". I think with dropping 50+lbs I've already gone through the challenge. Now it's just doing what I know is right.

    and p.s., You really ARE kevin bacon famous what with JackSh*t commenting here!

    You look fabulous!

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  13. This time won't be the last, the past has proven that to me time and again. I've recently discovered that I'm an emotional eater, and I'm trying to learn how to get away from that. I've been trying to loose the same ten pounds (to start with) for the past year an da half. I blog about it, but more or less I feel like a joke. I can't quite seem to figure out how not to be this way, how to cope in other ways, and how to finally get control. I'm glad I found your blog today. This post snagged me and I'll be hanging out here...gawking mostly. ;)

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  14. Jessica -- I think you've gone through the challenge as well. But you're right -- maintenance requires effort and vigilance. Thanks for the <3.

    Heather -- Why do you think this time won't be the last? Are you not dealing with the emotions? Have you talked to a therapist? Maybe that is a good place to start?

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  15. Hi Heather- I, too, am an emotional eater. I may help you to go to a counselor/therapist to have someone to talk to. He/She can help you talk through problems, and help you come up with things to do when you feel like you need to eat those emotions. I went to a therapist when i was younger, and i am just now starting to do a few of those things i was told to do when i feel the emotionally eating coming on (blogging, journaling, walking, singing, playing music, starting a new hobby).

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  16. This is my last time, too. I started out differently this time, with the intention of being the tortoise rather than the hare. And somewhere along the way, realized I'd experienced the paradigm shift from 'means to an end' to 'permanent lifestyle change'. It's relieving. I'm so much easier on myself for making mistakes along the way.

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  17. Brittany -- you're so sweet! And I totally agree that a therapist might be a good neutral party to work with through these issues. My dietician plays that role for me when it comes to my habits and thoughts about eating. I have a behavioral therapist who helps me with my anxiety issues.

    262 -- I am neither the tortoise nor the hare. I am the racecourse itself.

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  18. I have been signing up for endurance events (5k, half marathon, full marathon, etc) that will force me to continue training and being healthy.

    Also, all I have to do is look into my son's eyes and know that I want to be here for him for as long as I possible can.

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  19. That's a beautiful statement -- to want to take care of yourself so you can take care of another.

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  20. The battle never stops unless we accept and love who we are right now. It seems ironic to most people who're trying to lose weight, but you have to love the fat you before the thin you will dare to show herself. Easier said than done, but so worth the effort.

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  21. I don't love the fat, but i don't hate it either.
    I see it as fuel.

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<3 Robby