My silence is because I'm in a bad place.
|My Guard Cat, Jack.|
2013 was pretty good: I got stronger and faster after my artificial disc replacement surgery.
2014 has been crap so far. My cat, Spike, died after nearly a year of twice-a-day insulin injections, complications, and a rather quick demise. And then I fell in the shower (not a slip and fall, just gravity exerting itself on me) on what was supposed to be an awesome night (Alton Brown Live!).
I now go to physical therapy twice a week to address the lingering issues. Yesterday, my therapist kicked my ass. She was testing the range of motion in my hips as well as the alignment of my back and hips. Result? I need a tune-up. I came home from PT feeling a bit nauseated (pain does that), with a mild headache, and all I wanted was to crawl in bed. I woke up this morning more sore and in more pain than last night.
I try to be a happy, upbeat person, but at this point I've been dealing with back injuries for half my life (I first injured my back when I was 16 and I'm 32 now). There are going to be days where optimism is just not a choice; it requires too much energy and rose-colored blinders. There are days when optimism gives way to not pessimism but doubt and resentment.
This past weekend, Facebook and Twitter were abuzz with springtime races, family photos from gatherings, baby announcements, vacation photos, honeymoon photos, engagement announcements. I doubt whether I'll ever be able to shift from the day-to-day struggles to actually being able to enjoy life. It's hard to think about things like dating, or the possibility of marriage and/or kids when I'm struggling to put on my underwear or having to psych myself up to picking up something that I've dropped.
The resentment doesn't look good on me. But I am resentful of having to celebrate everyone else's [life achievement]. I want some celebrations of my own. I want some landmarks and announcements. I want people to look at me and my life and think that I've got it all. I don't want people to look at me and my life and think that I'm as miserable as I feel...cause I already think that.
I understand being in a bad place and all the shitty emotions that comes with it. Please know that you are not alone and that you are loved by people who haven't "technically" met you. Injured or healthy, you're still an inspiration to me, Robby dear.Reply
<3 Thank you SammieReply
I hope the days get better for you! We are here for you!Reply
This morning I got depressed reading some other people's happy blogs. So big (careful) virtual hugs from someone who understands. (Note I don't claim to "know exactly how you feel" because that always makes me want to smack the speaker.)Reply
I'm sorry you're in this bad place- I definitely don't fault you for feeling what you do, you are dealing with some real sucky stuff. I hope very much that your body heals and you can live the life you want!Reply
I'm so sorry about your cat. I don't know if I ever want a pet of my own because I don't think I could handle losing one. It was hard enough when my parents' dog died, and we never really got on.Reply
Hope you feel better soon!
I kinda get it - though I don't face the same obstacles you do, the past 9 months or so haven't been fun - just a never ending saga of my body not being able to hold up to what I want to ask of it.Reply
But I try to remember that it's the down times that make the good times feel so much better.
@Kimmi: Thank you :)Reply
@Natalie: **careful hugs back** I hate coming off like a sore (weight) loser/jealous person, but it's not like I want my friends to be as miserable as I am. I want to be as happy and strong as they are.
@jeanette: Thank you for what you said. I've had people tell me that my blog is a broken record and self-indulgent. It's a huge comfort to know that i don't have to be "on" all the time to benefit other people.
@LoL: I had 12 wonderful years with Spike and well, a few sucky weeks after losing him. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
@Cris: You're very right -- it sucks to have a body that is more limited than our imaginations and our desires, but when the stars align... I think that makes us all the more thankful.
Oh sweety... I know that feeling all too well. And, believe me, it's not because people's blogs are happy, that they are happy all the time. They just don't feel like sharing that with the world.Reply
If you were living anywhere near me, you'd be staying at my place for a while. Just to get the cobwebs out of your head. Done that a few times before for friends.
I miss you.
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