FatGirl vs World

I've spent the past two weeks binge watching all four seasons of Ugly Betty (aired from 2006-2010) on Hulu.  Some parts were a little hit/miss but some of it still rings true.

Last night I watched the series finale and it affected me a bit differently than it did the first time around.  The first time I saw it in 2010, I was wrapped up in her love life.  I was hopeful for her because if Betty could find happiness and a mate, then so could I.  This time around I was struck by Betty's central conflict of the last few episodes:  stay on the path where you're comfortable (and have some success/tenure) or do what you are passionate about?

In the last episodes she laments about not pursuing her passion project (blogging).  Sound familiar?
She also worries about what will happen to her family if she moves away (to London).  How will she fare in a place where she has to start over?

It started to make me think about the past 13.5 years in the same job (legal secretary) and in the same location (DC) and all the excuses and reasons I've relied on to help guide my decisions (either to stay or to go).  I'm currently in the "stay with the insurance that will pay for your next surgery" and "you have enough leave/FMLA" frame of mind.

I've also been thinking a lot about my health too.  There's complacency there.  It's hard to explain to people how hard the past 2 years have been.  Yesterday a colleague came to my desk to talk about his upcoming surgery.  He was always my cautionary tale of back surgery gone bad.  They're now taking out all of his hardware, cleaning up spurs on his vertebrae, and putting him back together.  He gets it.  It's physically and emotionally tiring to deal with chronic injury.

I also spoke with my general practitioner while at the physical prior to my foot surgery.  My blood results were amazing now that I've been gluten free for a year now (holy shit, just realized that now!!).

Screw FOMO (fear of missing out); I have LOPMIAAMO (lack of planning means I am already missing out).

In the first few Fitbloggins, I think we were all still getting to know each other and we really saw the hotel as our space to connect. In more recent times, I feel like the hotel is the cruise ship and everyone is going on shore excursions (tea, Rockies baseball game, Red Rocks, etc.).

My LOPMIAAMO usually stems from the pre-Fitbloggin dread of not feeling like I have done enough to earn my spot here cause I haven't exercised enough or lost enough weight.  Or hell, I haven't even blogged a lot/at all lately.  I know it still shocks you all to find out that I am an introvert. (No lies, I really am.)

Then there is the always-present nagging voice in the back of my head that no one wants to play with me.  Last-picked for kickball kind of stuff.  When that LOPMIAAMO sets in, I usually just wander off by myself. I have done a lot of walking in Denver cause of that.


This year my LOPMIAAMO is a bit of the above with also having had a busy month leading up to Fitbloggin15. I just didnt read any of the "ZOMG LET'S DO THIS!" posts.  I signed up for Fitbloggin and the hotel months ago and then tucked that away in my brain only to unwrap it to book my flight and get packed.

Last year the LOPMIAAMO really got me down. And this year, I didnt plan any better.  LOPMIAAMO is worse than FOMO because it means i could have done something about it and just didn't for whatever reason.

The solution is finding a way to reengage. I will get there.

[Edit:  I realize now that had I planned better, I would have taken a day trip to the Anschutz Wellness Center....]

So... I don't want to surprise/shock any of you all if you see me using this at Fitbloggin.

I don't always need it, but certain things like traveling and sitting down for long periods of time exacerbate my lower back pain.  Lately, I have either had this or my big umbrella with me when travelling just in case.

I freaked out a little while ago about how people would handle seeing FGvW with a cane.  Kelly/@CurvyFitGirl reminded me that I can't control how people react.  But please don't be too worried if you see me using this prop.  I assure you that I am fighting every day to get through this.

Who knows... I may use it to up my Zumba game.
My other yearly pre-Fitbloggin post and disclaimers:

(1) my brain is a sieve when it comes to names. Please forgive me when i forget your name the first, second, and twelfth time.

(2) I am actually an introvert.  Sometimes I need some quiet or a good cry. Fitbloggin is an emotional place. But when I am out an about I am good for hugs.

(3) I back dat ass up. Beware. (Ask @DubyaWife.

Okay, almost go time. See you in Denver.

I haven't done a bullet-pointed/random thought post in a long time so here goes: 

• Attended my second Weight Watchers @ Work weigh in.  I'm -1.8lbs.  Why?  A few things: (1) Being sick makes my appetite wonky
  (2) I'm back to food logging and measuring all of my food. That always works for me.
  (3) No Panera/Cosi  and their sodium bomb lunches
  (4) Could just be a normal fluctuation of weight
  
  I'm glad I asked #WWChat about fruits/veggies being zero points.  I don't eat a lot of meat or processed stuff.  I would always be under my target if I didn't allocate fruits/veggies (especially the ones high on the glycemic index) some value.
  
  I'm interested in seeing what a meeting looks like outside of work. Luckily for me there's a WW center right down the street!
    
• I had a thought the other day about dating: I'm statistically pretty average (except for height, I'm in the 95th percentile at 5'9").  Am I too skinny for the guys who dig larger girls and am I too large for guys who dig skinny girls?  Point to ponder.
  
• I also had a thought that I put on my FGvW Facebook -- Are women culturally trained to be peckish/undereaters or to believe that they have to "earn" their food/nutrition? Are we culturally trained to understate any and all of our appetites, lest we appear anything but virginal, saintly, restrained, or proper? 
• Went to my discogram consultation on Monday morning.
  1.   It's not one of those things where someone shows up at your door playing the Bee Gees and dancing.
  2.   It's not a test to see how well you can do the hustle (darn! those lessons in college still go unused). 
  3.   It *is* (as I already knew) a test where they inject contrast dye into 4 of my lumbar discs to determine how degenerated they are. (Imagine a jelly doughnut. Mine is one that's been left on the counter for a week. They're trying to determine where the jelly is).
  4.   This is *not* going to be fun as I have a weeee little problem with needles and fainting (vasovagal response).
  5.   After all the discs have been injected with dye and he studies where the it seeps, I am getting a CT scan to get more detailed information that they can then turn over to my surgeon and we can make some decisions.
  6.   Papa bear is going to help me the day of my discogram (2/9/14).
  7.   The anesthesiologist/pain specialist who is going to do the discogram seemed either tired, hungover, or super mellow. I'm not sure which. But he seemed interested in re-visiting more epidural steroids (nope, I felt lousy after them and they didn't provide long-term relief). He also wondered why I wasn't taking pain meds (opiates -- hydrocodone or oxycodone) on a more regular basis.  I opt for ice because I don't like walking around in a fog, nor do I want to develop a tolerance for the drugs. After 17 years of back issues, I'm just tired of the stopgap remedies. All of these things make it a little easier to live my ordinary life when I want a spectacular one.
  8.   In related news, I'm getting a new MRI for my lower back on 2/6/14. 
• I said on Twitter today "You know what would be awesome?  If I could run the #Fitbloggin 5k with a healthy back.  That's something to look forward to."  Oh, by the way, I'm co-leading a discussion group with Janet Oberholtzer (OMG, isn't she amazing?) at FitBloggin 2015 called "Living With Pain:  A Survival Guide." 
• The Flu -- Okay, we know it's 23% effective this year and that it's widespread.  And yet, so many of my coworkers are coming in sick.  If I had to get a doctor's note to clear me to return after my shingles (that were on my hip, thus not a threat to anyone unless they decided to lick my hip), why aren't people being sent home if they have the flu or flu-like symptoms and then required to have a doctor's note?  I really hate double standards that don't use good science.
  Oh, and on that note, please wash your hands.

I remember my first Fitbloggin as if it was yesterday.  I also remember how much I cried from start (meeting Carver as I got out of the cab) to finish (having to say goodbye to everyone).

I managed to survive Fitbloggin 2014 without shedding too many tears, that is until I met 1972 Olympian Jeff Galloway.  Now keep in mind, as someone that doesn't really run, I had no idea who Jeff was until about 5 minutes before he walked in the room.  But after a quick Wikipedia search, I realized he was just the man I needed to talk to.

He came to Fitbloggin as a part of the Run Disney sponsorship of the conference.  Before our 1 mi walk/5k/10k, he talked about how we, as bloggers, are able to change lives and inspire greatness in others.  He talked about how exercise adds life and vitality to our years.  He talked about how fitness is a family value.

I walked the first half of the 5k ((**waves to walking group!**)) and then somewhere around the midpoint, after being in my head for a while, something in my mind decided that despite the pain I was in (urgh my back!), that I couldn't miss the opportunity to speak with Jeff Galloway (who ran the 10k, I think).  I began to jog for the first time since February.

First of all -- he's the NICEST person, EVER.  He took the time to chat with everyone who wanted his time.  Not only that, he was interested in what they were doing in their lives, in their families, in their communities. Yet, despite being the nicest person, he's the only person to make me flat-out cry at Fitbloggin 2014.

How?  I told him how what he said about being able to change lives really struck me, but that it's all for nothing if we can't help to inspire and change the lives of the people we love the most.  Then he asked me who I loved the most.  And I started bawling.  Through the tears I asked if he would speak to the person that I love the most -- the person that I want to live a long and healthy life, the person that I worry the most about:   my dad.


Dad:  I'm not trying to embarrass you, or call you out.  I just want you to try.  I just want you to live a long and healthy life. I want you to want that as well.  And I hope you know that you have my full support.  And if I know my readers the way I think I do, I think you'll find they will support you too.  Dad, give me a reason to show you that I'm your biggest fan and cheerleader.

I'm just going to put this out there:  I brought doughnuts to Fitbloggin (fitness conference).  I traveled many miles to taste their deliciousness and I refuse to feel guilty about this... and I kinda also refuse to share.



So the title of my blog tonight is a play on the R.E.M. song "Everybody Hurts."  A bunch of us went on a a "Haunted Savannah" tour this evening in these beauties:


Joking aside, if you've read my blog for any amount of time, you know that a common theme that I write about is that "everyone suffers."  It's a Buddhist principle that can be applied all around.

Even though I was terribly overwhelmed by the welcome mixer (the sound was loud and I've been alone in my head for the past few days), I was particularly attuned to the number of people who not just felt overwhelmed, but also out of place.  Many people felt that not only were they introverts but that they were also newbies.  Two whammies that are hard to overcome at a conference where so many of us already know each other.

If that was you, I just want you to know that we've all felt that at some point -- that we don't belong, that we don't deserve to be our friends, that we've fallen from grace or that we're no longer to be counted among the peers.  Many of us have felt vulnerable and scared because when we arrive at Fitbloggin, we're not an improvement on the last time people have seen us, and worse, we may be a disappointment.  But among all the gut-wrenching horrible feelings, is the one where we feel like we're invisible, our voice doesn't matter, or that we're in the way.  That's not the case.  Everyone who takes the initiative to show up belongs here.  And it doesn't matter what happened yesterday or the day before.  You're here now.  You are ONE OF US.  And you better get in on the group hug.

Another thing that reminded me of the theme that "everyone hurts" is an email that I got from my landlord today.  He says:   "I wish you would understand how sick I am and how hard this is on me.  You named my only baby left, Leo and I don't want this to be ugly." 

I abhor that he's playing on my sympathies... as if I didn't lose Spike in February... as if I wasn't in the hospital recently because of my back.   He could have used his experience of his own suffering to bring about compassion and say "hey, sorry the fridge is broken.  I know you don't need that stressor right now."  Instead he said "Please plan to vacate by June 15th and you will never have to deal with the noisy compressor again.  You are welcome to leave on the 1st of June (or tomorrow) if you feel the is not lived up to my responsibilities."
 
 I can't engage emotionally with this.  Yes, everyone hurts sometimes and we use our own knowledge of suffering to bring about compassion.... but sometimes we use our own suffering to assert our limits and say "No more." 

This is a recurring theme.

Every time Fitbloggin rolls around a little voice inside my head says "don't go, you don't belong there."

And because I haven't been able to go to the gym (because of my back), because I have been stress eating (have I mentioned that my landlord has been trying to evict me for no effing good reason (because I asked for the fridge to be fixed is not a good reason) since May, and that I've recently moved?), I'm giving that little voice more weight than it actually deserves.

Lucky for me, I have very wise friends that have pointed out one of the best things about Fitbloggin -- it's not a fitness competition, it's not a competition to see who is the bloggiest of bloggers who have ever bloggingly blogged and who can get the most sponsorship.  It's a place where we recharge our batteries.  It's where we go to get our head right.  In other words, if you feel like you don't belong there, it's when you need to be there the most.

My hope is that by the time I get to Savannah, I'll realize that I'm not a guest; this is a homecoming.

I (hesitantly) started FatGirlvsWorld in 2009.  I had been blogging for nearly 10 years prior, but I felt like the topics that I wanted to discuss about my body weren't a good fit for that blog.

The very first Fitbloggin was 2010.  I hadn't heard about Fitbloggin back then.  I was still a neophyte when it came to fitness/health/weightloss blogging.  I was just finding my voice and just starting to find my community.

My very first year at Fitbloggin was 2011.  Gotta admit that I was the one who had fitcrushes on some people.  Tara and Sharla got to see me have an epic emotional breakdown upon just meeting them.  I think I may have squeezed the stuffing out of Carla and squeeeeed with delight upon meeting Josie.  I may have stalked Alan just for the hugs. In Amy and Elisha, I found people just as warped as I am.   In other words, I realized that not only had I found my community, but my community had found me.

In 2012, I hesitated to go to Fitbloggin.  I felt like a complete fraud showing up at a fitness conference when I had done so little to take care of my own body.  Not only was I physically broken, but I was emotionally broken.  I shut down and clammed up when I should have realized that my community was there to support me.  In the end, I am so glad that I went.  I didn't realize that the story that I was afraid of telling (about injury, depression, healing) was a story that people were able to connect with and needed to be told.  More importantly, by leaning in to my fears and doubts, and on my friends/community, I left Fitbloggin12 feeling invigorated and hopeful about my prognosis.  (I have a sneaking suspicion that it had to do with a little heart-to-heart with Janet and a message of love shared between Roni and I, both all about honoring what our bodies could do.)

Fitbloggin2013 just wasn't going to happen for me. Financially, physically, emotionally.  I just didn't have it in me.  For as much as I wanted to join you all in Portland and visit the Pacific NorthWest, it just wasn't my time.

I always saw the FatGirlvsWorld Brand as someone whose tenacity (okay, and hugs) was a force to be reckoned with.  But the past two years really made me doubt that.  It made me doubt that I had anything left to say, anything left to give.  But perhaps that is my story -- despite getting knocked down, I always get up.

So....118 days until Fitbloggin2014 in Savannah and I'm still debating about whether I should go or not.  Okay. I lied. I am not debating.  I'm just probably going to wait until my next paycheck to make it all happen.  After the year I've had so far, Kelly makes a great point:

So I think that means I have 118 days to get my mind and body ready for Fitbloggin2014.  About time, eh?  My promise to you all is that FatGirlvsWorld, the relentless crusader for health and wellbeing WILL show up.


[Update:  Okay, I couldn't wait....]

You know that feeling of going from one crisis to another? You focus on what needs to get done (no more, no less) with blinders on to the rest of the world? The "I can only deal with what needs to be solved RIGHT NOW!!!!"

Between Jack's bladder stones/FLUTD and Spike's diabetes, pancreatitis, renal failure, cancer and having to put him down, I've been in a state of day-to-day crisis for over a year now.  After Spike was diagnosed last March, I only had 2 days away from him.  Before that, it was my own personal health and recovery.  Before that... well... life always just felt like a reaction to what could and often did go wrong. The other shoe was going to not just drop, but smack me around a bit before kicking my ass to the curb.

**sighs** It's really hard to live like this.  It requires a great deal of energy to be this stressed out about what may or may not be, what is or is not the case, and what could be around the corner.  I wouldn't say that I am paranoid, but I am primed for the fight/flight. And it shows.  I ran into a friend yesterday at the grocery store, and he said that I always look sad/stressed.

The stress/fear/panic makes it hard to make plans for the future.  Sure, I had a few bright points here and there.  Tickets to concerts, plans with friends, and even a short vacation here or there, but even the good things were part crisis.  I couldn't make plans past having to figure out the logistics of the good things.  Even the good things were things that I needed to survive.

I want to turn the ship around.  I want to be an easy, breezy, beautiful CoverGirl.  Part of me will always be serious.  There's no getting past that.  But I want to put down the metaphoric gloves for a while and just learn how to relax and enjoy life more than I have been.  I don't need the crisis to thrive.  I know it's possible.

That version of FatGirlVsWorld has the mental space to focus on herself, her health, and other things.... such as... People have asked me if I'm going to Fitbloggin 14 in Savannah, GA (June 26-29, 2014).
And well... now that I don't need to be in crisis mode anymore cause of Spike.... it's something I can actually consider going to.

What do you all think?

I'm a bad blogging friend -- I had a TON of blog entries piling up in my Feedly queue.  One of them was Roni Noone's Good Morning America appearance wherein she talks about having her progress photos stolen by a company in order to hawk diet products.

Well shame on me for waiting this long.  Because at 0:31, I saw something very special and that reminded me of just how much I love Roni.

Yep.  That's my famous sign from Fitbloggin 2012.  The one Roni decided to keep after the 5K:


I couldn't run the 5k because (1) my back doesn't like the compression from hard ground and (2) at the time, it had been about 15 years since I tried to run even a single mile on hard ground.  Little did I know that a year later, I'd start running on hard ground as a way to second-guess the narrative that I've been telling myself.  It still hurts to run on hard ground, but no more than it does to do any sort of workout.  And I have to do it in moderation and at a lower distance than I can the elliptical.

Anyways.... seeing that sign in the video just reminded me how much we give to each other in this community -- little slices of ourselves as keepsakes to the other to remind us that we're not alone, that we're a family, and not only that we're loved, but we're beloved.  

Y'all know that I love me some Fitbloggin, and I love my Fitbloggers.


My friend asked me to be in her destination wedding right before the dates for FB13 were announced.  At that time, I couldn't justify two major trips one month after the other.  So I chose my friend over FB13.  And then...I just couldn't find reasonably priced flights to the Dominican Republic (the total cost of the trip was pushing $2000 for 4 days).  With a heavy heart, I asked my friend to let me rescind my offer of being a bridesmaid.  She was so extremely gracious, saying that she didn't want any of her wedding party/guests to stress about attending/the cost of the wedding. 

And then Spike cat was diagnosed with diabetes (this just months after the ordeal of treating Jack cat's bladder stones (to the tune of $1500)).  So not only was having to give my cat twice daily insulin shots a learning curve (I may have thrown up the first time I tested his blood sugar), but it is a new consideration for my finances (the cost of his supplies -- needles, glucose testing strips, special food (for both cats), and the insulin) as well as my schedule (keeping his shots regular helps keep him healthy and safe).  No longer can I just let the cats hang out at my apartment for 2 days without supervision (catnip parties aside...).

I don't know about you, but I know I'm just weird about finances.  Growing up, my dad had a great job and a decent salary, but by no means were we rich.  The town where I grew up was pretty affluent (it was Long Island, after all), but we were the 3br/1ba ranch house across the street from a house with a 6-car garage.   Mom taught me to clip coupons and roll coins. After mom died (hospitals, funerals are expensive!), I was a bit more aware of our family's finances. 

When I graduated from college, I went straight to work waitressing/bartending at a place that barely covered my expenses (rent, car, insurance, etc.) and I didn't have any health insurance (got pink eye once on a three-day weekend, had to go to the hospital, cost $500).  Six months later, I was working in an office, with a regular paycheck (the benefits would come later, as I worked as a temp for 11 months before they officially hired me **eyeroll**).  That has helped to ease my mind a bit, but I still have the residual grey cloud that follows me.  The other shoe will always drop, right?

Having my neck surgery covered 100% by insurance was a huge relief. The next financial hurdle is paying off my credit card (there's not much on there, but it still bothers me to have any balance).  And then, maybe then, I'll consider taking a vacation (I have 40 days of accrued leave), and exhaling a bit.  But yeah, being an adult with adult responsibilities, and adult worries is stressful.  And I'm doing well.  I feel like such an asshole saying this knowing that some of you aren't as secure as I am regarding finances and outlook. 

So anyways, I'm just writing this to say thank you to my friends out there who understand that while living life and having fun is important, so is having a safety net.

Source here

If you were at Fitbloggin, chances are that you had a chance to meet the wonderful and amazing Janet Ober.  I've been following her on Twitter for a while as a casual acquaintance, I knew her name and her face, but I didn't know her story.  Imagine my surprise when I met her and noticed something a little different about this spunky blond with a huge smile:  (my dear Janet, I'm going to be blunt here -- anyone who knows me knows that sometimes my inquisitive nature doesn't have a filter and subsequently I can come off as insensitive, though it's not my intention) she looked like a shark had taken a big chunk out of her leg. 

I felt really bad for not realizing this about her before we had met, so I jumped on my smartphone and immediately looked up her Web site and then her story began to unfold before me.  Without having to say a word, I knew she understood and felt all the feelings I had about being injured and broken, I knew she understood the rollercoaster ride when one recovers from an injury. She knew what it's like to live with pain and restriction.

Our two messages seemed to belong to each other -- #GoTheDist Why? Because I Can.

It's hard to explain injuries and chronic pain to people -- some people think that just because you're not bleeding out, confined to a bed, or buttressed with metal that you're okay .  That couldn't be farther from the truth (pg. 156 "Yes, I might have survived the trauma, but daily life was kicking my butt.  It was not looking like I  thought it should.  The constant pain and low energy levels were wearing me out.").  Once the acute issues are handled, there are so many other issues that come up--about learning how to live with your injury versus letting your injury run your life, how to grieve for the loss of the life and body you wanted and the things you might not ever do again, and how to forgive the causes for the injury as much as the injury itself. 

While hugging her, I told Janet that she was the light at the end of my tunnel, telling me that I can get through this.  I meant every word and I am so thankful to have read her memoir.  I wasn't left with pity or sadness for her (or for myself), but a very strong sense that somewhere in Pennsylvania was this amazing woman who knew my pain and didn't need me to tell her every detail to be able to tell me I'd survive it.

So go and read her book and be inspired to "Bloom where [you are] planted."

NB:  One thing her doctor said to her really stuck with me:  "Our bodies protect themselves by giving us pain signals when something is not working properly. ... Your body has been beaten up, but you've done what you needed to help it recover well.  Trust yourself—you know your body better than anyone else.  Don't allow what others have said to hold you back."  (pg. 266, Dr. Tuckman)

This is dedicated to all of my beautiful friends at Fitbloggin that had the courage to speak up to the truth of what is going on in their lives (both good & bad).  I mean, I just wrote about what it means when bloggers go silent -- it means there's a storm brewing.

Never think that because I'm going through some physical/emotional stuff that I'm not going to be here for any or all of you.  While I'm not your psychologist/therapist, I'm part of your support system.
And if you feel like you can't talk to me, please find someone you can talk to.  You do not need to suffer in silence.

So many of us feel like we need to be the person with their shit together, or the person in our circles that helps other people because we're so strong and "with it" -- completely neglecting the fact that our friends want to return the favor, that sometimes we need to be gracious and allow other people to be a part of our lives (both good & bad). And if you can't talk to them, you can still lean on them in silence.  Let them hold you, let them comfort you even if the words aren't there.

And before I get to the lyrics for the song above, I just want to share that I've been in therapy off & on and as needed for the past 18 years (bereavement counseling, behavioral psychologist for anxiety/depression).  Sometimes it's just good to have 1 hour (or 2 hours) every week to talk to someone outside your immediate life that can be objective and not interject their own needs and issues into your story and pain.  Just like getting a massage or a pedicure, or getting our yearly physicals, it's just one of the things we do to take care of ourselves. 

It takes strength and courage to ask for help.

(imho) There are a few reasons fitness bloggers stop blogging:
1.  they are fair weather bloggers that write when things are good, and clam up when things aren't going well;
2.  they feel they are being repetitive and/or have nothing new to say;
3.  they feel like they've lost their audience and/or don't just write for themselves; 
4.  they've decided their journey is at an end, or it's time to shut down the blog; and/or
5.  they're just on vacation, or they need to take a break.

Either way, silence in a blog speaks volumes. 

I've been feeling a few of these things.  I felt that when things were going well that I had much more to say, much more to share.  I am also aware that people look to these kinds of blogs for inspiration, not necessarily the nitty gritty.  But that's my niche, the nitty gritty. 

With Fitbloggin12 coming up this week, I must admit that I feel like a bit of a fraud:  (a) I haven't been exercising thanks to my lovely spinal injuries, my diet is all over the place, and my brain is unfocused and (b) I haven't been blogging because I'm 50% shutting down and 50% don't want to be repetitive. 

(a)  Spinal injuries are tricky to exercise around -- even exercises that are considered "low impact" (yoga, swimming, elliptical, bike, etc.) all have a positive and negative impact on my spine, especially because I have injuries in my cervical and lumbar spine (I can't isolate parts of my body to exercise without affecting one or both of the injuries).

I've always been of the mind "do what you can" and love my family motto of "if broken, still strong" -- meaning, focus on what you can do -- but even there I've dropped the ball.  I'm not focusing on my diet (notably, I'm drinking alcohol more often than I would if I were training) and I'm keeping the emotions of the injury at arms' length. 

The truth is that aside from the physical discomfort, I'm scared shitless about these injuries.  I'm frustrated.  Nothing the doctors can do will ever restore my spine to 100% functionality -- so I'm trying to determine which option gives me the best prognosis with the most functionality.  This is hard to do with all of my doctors in different practices and of different mindsets.  I wish I could host a "Save Robby's Spine" panel with all of them in one room.  What I want is simple (hah!) -- I will do whatever it takes to maintain the functionality of my spine (i.e., range of motion) while maintaining the best integrity of my spine.  Many people tell me what they've done for themselves, but every body, every injury is different.  I don't know what is right for me.

(b) I'm shutting down because I don't want you, the world, my dear readers, to know that I'm scared shitless, in pain, and having trouble seeing the light in all this darkness.  For a while I didn't even want to go to Fitbloggin because more than just feeling like a fraud, I didn't want to see people that thought I was strong seeing me in a weak and vulnerable state. 

I don't like my friends seeing me in pain either.  I was at a happy hour at a crowded bar on Friday and some random girl knocked into me.  I excused myself to go to the bathroom so my friends didn't see my eyes well up in tears.  I hid it with the smile and the drinking, but from then on out, I tried to keep my back to a wall.  The next day I was supposed to go to a bachelorette party, but fell asleep at 7 and woke up at 10.  Part of me was relieved to not go to a dance club. 

The other part is the repetition.  I know how much I dislike blogs that go on and on about one thing and lack diversity.  I would hate for my blog to be known as the blog where she just whines about her injury.  That's hardly motivational, eh?  I'd rather be known as the person that blogs while fighting like hell to get back to where she wants to be. 

And where do I want to be?  I want to wake up one day and not have to think twice about whether I can run 5 miles or not.  That day would be pretty bitchin.

I put it on Twitter that I felt like a fraud going to Fitbloggin12, as someone unable to exercise (but I'm going to try to repeat my hilarious Zumba dance moves from last year) and who feels like her blog is stagnant -- and the response was amazing.  My friends are amazing. You all reminded me that despite having being at a low point, that I was still part of this community.  You reminded me of one of my "Focus Correction" areas for this year -- which is to allow people to help me.  You also reminded me that while all of our injuries may be different, what separates us from the people that we used to be is that we're fighting for ourselves and our health now...we're not longer accepting defeat.

So if anyone at Fitbloggin12 (or even here) wants to vent about their injuries as a part of forgiving their injuries -- I'll be free for lunch on Friday (1pm) (or feel free to put a comment here).

Love y'all,
Robby

1.  So I've had 2 epidurals.  I experienced a great deal of relief (especially regarding the radiating pain down my left arm) after the first epidural.  I feel much the same as I did before the second epidural as I did after the second epidural.  Today was the first day of physical therapy.  The question is whether I have the third epidural or not.  I don't know if I'm in a diminishing returns situation, or if more steroids will help at this point.  There are pros and cons either way. I just don't know where I stand.  What would you do?

2.  I just booked a hotel room for Fitbloggin.  I requested a room with two double beds.  This means that I could have anywhere between 1 and 3 roommates. I've reserved a room from Sept 20-23.  I'm thinking about extending that reservation to September 19th (this rate isn't included in the Fitbloggin price).

Problem is that I met soooo many wonderful people last year at Fitbloggin1that (1) I don't know who to ask,(2) I don't want to offend anyone by not asking, and (3) I'm hoping my room becomes a bit of a party/kitten pile room, wine and pajamas kind of thing.

Anyone down for the chaos?

ALSO -- just a reminder, pack an extra suitcase/bag for all the swag.  Trust me, you'll need it or be faced with making some tough decisions.

3.  Part of me really wants to make a #FitBloggin12 "yearbook" -- everyone's face to make for easy identification and so we can write messages to each other.  If I were to make one, would people want to print it/pay to have it printed?

4.  The FatGirlvsWorld/#GoTheDist was a pretty successful gimmick -- do you think I should do it again (different color?) or go the route of business cards?  Identifiable gimmick vs. lots of info??

First of all, hello to my new readers, my new supporters, my new friends.

These are all the places you can find me (other than at a bar, the gym, or in a pool): 
@FatGirlvsWorld
FatGirlvsWorld on Facebook
FatGirlvsWorld on Youtube  
FatGirlvsWorld BodyMedia SpokesBody page (it's a contest... help me win $5,000 by clicking on "like"!)

---

As many of you all saw (on Twitter), I had my reservations about going to #FitBloggin.  I was very surprised to see that I wasn't the only one intimidated by the whole thing.

My fears:

• being in a room full of people that knew each other and expected me to know them
• people knowing who I was and I didn't know them (I'm so bad with names, avatar/facial recognition)
• saying that I was "FatGirlvsWorld" and having people think I wasn't fat enough for the name
• being at a fitness conference and being seen as fat
• wanting to meet people more than learning about monetizing my blog, or data mining, or sponsor du jour, but people not wanting to socialize 

I got out of my cab and was immediately greeted by Tara and Sharla.  In a instant (and deeply moving moment) I immediately knew that despite my fears I was not only in the right place but among the safety and security of friends. 

Two moments highlighted my fears, though:   When I introduced myself to Andrea Metcalf as "Robby, FatGirlvsWorld" she said something to the tune of "you're not fat at all."  I know she meant it as a compliment.  I was very much reminded of something that Cara (of Cara's Cravings) said (in the middle of gelato) -- that the new people she meets have no idea of her journey or what she used to look like, be like, and feel like.  They just see the thin person.

It's odd to be in the middle of a fitness conference and feel too big to be thin and too thin to be big (and worse of all, worried about offending anyone who was bigger than me by calling myself fat).  But the truth is that I will always be FatGirlvsWorld; I will always have the mentality of someone that has struggled with their weight.  I started this blog as an open letter to the world to show that there are many definitions of health and fitness, and it is available to anyone who wants it.  Calling myself "FatGirl" has never been pejorative (in my mind) -- it is my way of paying homage to the struggle.

The second moment came a little towards the end of the conference when Jack Sh!t jokingly said that everything would be gravy for me once I overcame my shyness.  He was being facetious -- but as I told http://www.sweatinguntilhappy.com/,  the truth is that it is much easier for me to be FatGirlvsWorld, with all of her bravado and charm than it is for me to be Robby sometimes.  I try to be both, but it's not always possible.  I am naturally an introvert.  I am petrified of being in new places, petrified of being in large groups of people. 

Courtesy of @FattyBoobaLatty

The resemblance is uncanny, right?

I was shocked by the number of people who came up to me and said "ZOMG, you're FATGIRLVSWORLD.  I love you!"  Here I think I'm running this little blog under the radar.  It truly means so much to me that I'm able to not only write for myself (and my own sanity) as well as write for words when you need the words.  I am flattered, but I am also humbled.

I was equally as surprised by the number of people who were okay with sitting with me in my silence, or who recognized that I was a bit in over my head  A huge thanks to Sharla who recognized that I was on overload and asked if I wanted to get out of there for a bit.  We ended up going to the National Aquarium and getting hit on my a longhorn cowfish (photos to follow).

Another huge thanks to my friend Katie, and my friends Amy and Elisha for giving me a place to rest my head.  Leading up to the conference I was so overwhelmed that I did nothing to handle the logistics.

Thoughts about #Fitbloggin:

1. It is clear to me now that I am not a professional blogger, nor do I have an inclination to be.  I am not interested in data mining. I'm not interested in being the most read blogger evar!  I'm just interested in writing what's true to me and hoping that my words are what you need when you need it.
2. I would have loved there to be more fit than bloggin.  My favorite panels/events were Zumba (it was fun to see so many first-timers having fun.  I think it was the ice breaker we all needed -- to look silly, get sweaty, and burn some calories) and the Intuitive Eating panel (it was intimate, honest, and uplifting). 
3. I appreciate that breakfast was being provided courtesy of corporate sponsors -- however, I greatly missed my morning Chobani and FiberOne.  I know some people were in need of more protein for breakfast.  Hard boiled eggs are easy to transport, but not as good as scrambled eggs. 
4. I can also appreciate that lunch and some snacks were provided for us -- however, I was missing out on having veggies.  There were tons of fruits, but I run on veg.  Whole Foods was getting a lot of action from the conference. 
5. I know part of the problem was not having dedicated rooms for the conference, but I would have liked to see a little more flow from the conference -- having a blogger "speed dating" meet-and-greet early on (not everyone was there on Thursday night) would have been helpful.  I would have also put the 101 classes early on in the first day.  I would have split up the fitness events over the 2 days.  The second say was a lot of sitting in a chair. 
6. OMG, liveblogging is hard.  I gave up after one session (kettlebells). 
7. I didn't take many pictures. I don't know why this is. Maybe b/c I spent more time on hugging than normal. 
8. We are a group of very sexy people.  Even the firefighters think so. I think the Preakness people were intimidated.  Do spandex and fancy hats mix? 
9. I'm glad that no one thought it was rude to listen and tweet at the same time, or if they did they realized where they were. 
10. It was a shame that so much of the event was inside.  While I know the schedule was busy, it would have been good to have breakout groups for things like the Intuitive Eating panel, it was clear that some people needed some personal attention/support.
11. I know we all use twitter, but it would have been cool to have some white boards near the registration booth to post stuff like "Anyone looking to take a walk at 2pm?" "We have an extra bed" or "ISO size 7.5 new balance, will trade size 8." The #Fitbloggin hashtag was too much to keep up with sometimes. 
12. OMG..... @FitandFreeEmily gave me the best new toy. 
13. Yeah, I'm a teacher's pet. I asked a question at almost every panel I went to.  But I like asking questions. Maybe I need to do more interviews on my blog. 
14. Are there awards for "Best timing of a hiccup at a conference"???? 
15. I'm so sorry if I launched a wristband at you and you were hit.  With power comes responsibility, eh?  
16. Nope. The interview with Dr. Fitness and the Fat Guy was NOT rehearsed.  Man my back was killing me by that time and my posture was horrible.
17. Trampolines are fun.  But as fitness? Didn't urban rebounding die in the 1990s? 
18. Where are the wine & cheese sponsors? 
19. I'm glad there were cherries and chocolate though.  nom nom nom.  The missing sweet link. 
20. Oooh we should have had a juice/smoothie bar.  One blender was NOT enough, eh?
21. It would have been nice for wordpress/blogger to have a table or even a "How To" -- as they're the two most popular platforms.  (word to @paolo -- livejournal and diaryland RULE(d)!) 
22. Did the Marriott know we would be drinking a lot of water? 
23. Did the Marriott know we'd need more bandwidth/a bigger boat? 
24. We should have taken over a water taxi.

#Fitbloggin Action Items (not just for me....):

1. Support http://www.leavingfatville.com/ setting and meeting her next mini goal (#LFDoesIt) and remind her that she's a good mom.
2. Like I wrote in response to the Blogger Responsibility panel:   We need to be the TRUTH TELLERS of the fitness world.  Let's be louder than mainstream media.  What does this mean?  By being a blogger in the fitness world, I think we have the responsibility of showing the world and media that fit and healthy does NOT need to be airbrushed.  Our collective voice needs to be louder than the media so that those who are at the beginning of the journey know that they can do so without feeling bad about themselves, without feeling alone, without feeling desperate. 
3. We really need to explore the whole intuitive eating aspect -- many of us still have issues with emotional eating.  Let's get @BradGansberg/#7daychip involved.  Let's have a meditative retreat (or a podcast series) where we work to reprogram our relationship with food and forgive ourselves a whole lot more.  It's very clear that this is a subset of the fitbloggin community that still needs support and love.  ((The quote from Jack Kornfield, if you missed it the first time around:  "In the end, forgiveness simply means never putting another person out of our heart.")
4. We need to be more willing to (1) be proud of our expertise if we have one (even if it's just being an expert on ourselves, to quote @Krazy_Kris) (2) acknowledge when we do not know something (3) and make connections with the people who might have the information we need, or the information someone is asking us to find.  As a community we should be able to help other people based on trusted and proven relationships.
5. We need to reach out to corporate sponsors (ones that we currently have relationships with and ones that we do not have relationships with) and show them that they can have spokespeople who are real people, with real lives, who are are imperfect, and who are joyful.  There is one among us that can represent most companies with integrity (diet pills and gimmicks need not apply).  ((KitKat needs to reach out to @Shauna)) 
6. We need to meet with people more often.  This weekend was proof that we love and support each other in a unique and genuine way.  Mini-Meetups! #Fitblogginsgiving anyone? #FitBloggin Commune? 
7. I think @charliegirl2490 and I need to star in our own musical revue with many fitbloggin guest appearances.  
8. From Elisha: We need to be willing to experience the bad with the good, rather than trying to deny it.  Allow ourselves to feel what we're feeling and not be ashamed. [We need to s]hare what we're going through, so we can FIND strength in those who have gone before and GIVE strength to those who follow.

Presented by @KCLAnderson, @workoutmommy @girlhero

• best to do barefoot or in minimal shoe
• kettlebells will win versus face/head/brain -- so if you feel like you're going to drop the bell while it's over head, move out of its way.
• there's a difference between exercise and competition bells
• a jug of milk is 8lbs -- women should start at a 15 or 18lb kettlebell; men should start around 25lb-- it's easier to use a heavier bell
• Find a grip/handle that you like -- you want a solid/cast piece (not a handle that's welded on).  You want to invest in a good bell (i.e. please don't get the target ones)
• Kettlebell vs dumbell -- working multiple muscle groups in one motion; use your whole body; the weight in a kettlebell is off-center, forces you to stabilize core (dumbells are balanced equally)
• Anyone can do kettlebells, low impact -- but listen to your body!! ((if you have back problems/shoulder issues, be very mindful!!)
• Anyone can do kettlebells! (old, young, pregnant)
• Find a trainer who has been certified (lots of bad info out there...ahem, Jillian Michaels) 

• @KCLAnderson doing the basic swing: 

• Around the body

• Halo

A "complex" -- a series of moves put together

A double complex