FatGirl vs World

So, I play this game called Ingress (it's a geocaching game, an always-

Okay... let me rephrase...

I eventually get around to being strong and resilient, but I either whine a bunch or have to psych myself up to doing it.

For instance, I'm afraid of needles.  They say that most people who are afraid of needles aren't actually afraid of the pain/gross factor, but that they had a bad experience in the past.  Well, that'd be true in my case:  When was young, I had an ingrown toenail that needed to be dealt with.  The doctor injected Novocaine through a very thick callous on my toe and the medication didn't work.  My phobia is so bad that I get dental fillings without Novocaine.

scared primate face

Getting my epidurals (2 for my back, 1 for my neck) were a HUGE deal for me.  My needlephobia manifested in vasovagal responses (I started to faint) each time. During the epidural procedure for my neck, the doctor actually wanted to halt and reschedule the procedure. I very clearly remember telling him something like "I didn't put on my big girl panties for nothing.  We're doing this."

So... back in February, I fell in the shower (I think it was more that I pinched a nerve and lost feeling in my legs).  In May, I went to the ER because I was in excruciating pain (again, while in the shower... I need a bathtub...) and the attending doc at the ER was a dillhole to me.  When I met up with my orthopedic doctor I left with a prescription for a discogram.  Sadly, this is not like a candygram:  It is not a message you send someone you love wherein an actor shows up your door in 70s garb, dances The Hustle, and hands you a bouquet of flowers.

I've procrastinated in making the appointment. Part of the problem was finding someone that does them, the rest of the problem was that I looked up discograms on the internets.  You guessed it -- MORE NEEDLES! But, I bit the bullet and called the neurosurgeon's office today.  It needs to be done.

I've grown too comfortable with saying that I can't do much because I'm injured.

So I'm gonna take a page from Roni and Carla and get my #wycwyc on.  A large part of my What-You-Can/When-You-Can has been walking with Ingress (a real-time, worldwide game of capture the flag -- Join the Resistance! I'm @YoursBluely -- and have walked 1025km since December!).  But there's more that I can do.  I need to get my diet back on point (okay, how many times have I said that?).  I need to use my pool (okay, it's not big, but I can walk laps in it).  I need to do my yearly physicals.

I need to put my big girl underroos on every day.

For the past month or two, my back has not been cooperating.  Because of this, I pretty much have stuck to home/work and errands with the occasional drink at a non-crowded bar with very protective friends. 

But yesterday was a GORGEOUS day after all this snow and I was feeling the cabin fever.  I texted a friend for brunch and after we took an Ingress constitutional,winding up at the Washington Monument. All told, more walking than I've done in a while. 

I took a bunch of pictures and posted them on Facebook.  Someone replied the the photos and said "I hope this means you were out and about in today's nice weather and feeling better!" 

Yes. The weather was PHENOMENAL.  As for feeling better.... I don't really know how to address that.  People often see me have a good day and think that I'm magically cured. Or worse, they see me on a good day and think I'm exaggerating the bad days, or that a bad day isn't lurking in the shadows.

Ask anyone with a chronic disease, injury, or pain, that there are good days (where you have the energy to do things and a body that's on board), bad days (where you have no energy and/or a body that is not with the program), and days that are in-between.  

There are days and events where one must make a calculated risk:  we may not have the energy, we may not be feeling well, or we'll know we'll pay for it after, but there's something that's worth the expenditure or after-effects. For example, I'm going to a 2Cellos show in April.  I know that sitting for that long will not be fun, but I'm real excited for the show. 

All morning Saturday and part of the afternoon, I had been running around to prepare for that night's Ingress party to celebrate an awesome in-game operation that required world-wide cooperation.  I kinda went a little overboard on cupcakes (2 kinds -- Funfetti with blue icing and pineapple upside-down cupcakes -- around 70 cupcakes total). As I was baking, I simultaneously did 4 loads of laundry.

By the time I got to the bar, I was thirsty for a beer and a chair.  I drank my first beer while flitting around the room and introducing myself to the people who had come in from out of town to hang out and celebrate (DelaWHAT? Delaw[h]ere? Okay, I guess you had to be there.)  I had just purchased my second beer and saw a free seat at a table. Ah, sweet feet relief.

With my right hand on the table, and my left hand holding the beer, I approached the bar stool and shifted my weight over my left leg so I could get my right butt cheek on the chair and slide on in.

WRONG

My left leg went numb and weak.  It gave out under me.
In my milliseconds of panic, I realized that I was still holding my beer and that if I didn't do something, it would get everywhere and on everyone.  I tilted it toward myself and made the sound of  what can only be called a dying egret. I landed on my ass with a thud and beer soaking my shirt and jeans.

My back injury always catches me at the most in opportune times (ahem, in the shower).  But this was the first time that I actually lost feeling in my leg and fell in around friends.  (Once in college the same happened, but it was during taekwondo while throwing a roundhouse kick)

I'm so very lucky that my friend E was nearby.  He and I have discussed my injury (and his injuries) quite a great deal. He knew to wave people off from trying to lift me up immediately (until I knew that everything was working and until I caught my breath).  He stood guard as I gathered myself and took stock of what happened, and when I finally got myself vertical.

The next day, E posted this on his G+ page:


It was a good reminder to me that although I may have had people in that room happy/amused to see me fall, that I always get up.  I've been dealing with this injury for 17 years (at varying degrees) and never once have I just laid on the ground and pitied myself.  I've never asked for special considerations (other than just patience) and I've never asked for people to do for me what I could do for myself (though, I'm always grateful for assistance when I can't do for myself).  

It reminded me of New Rule #8:  Even on your worst day, you can be someone's hero. 

And maybe there needs to be a corollary to New Rule #8:  Even on your worst day, a heroic friend will be there to either help you up or be there when you get yourself standing under your own power. 

One of my most-read entries is "A Mile in Her Shoes" -- a post describing what it's like to have degenerative disc disease, bulging discs, herniated discs, etc.  It was my answer to Spoon Theory -- a story about what it's like having Lupus, and has been applied to other "invisible" diseases.

I thought I'd update that with the story of a mile that I recently walked.

On Friday night, I was playing Ingress (Go Resistance!) with friends (doing something pretty epic in terms of game play), when some people wanted to take a break and get something to eat/drink. There's very little to eat drink around the National Mall at night, so we decided to walk to a place with a few options.