You know that feeling of going from one crisis to another? You focus on what needs to get done (no more, no less) with blinders on to the rest of the world? The "I can only deal with what needs to be solved RIGHT NOW!!!!"
Between Jack's bladder stones/FLUTD and Spike's diabetes, pancreatitis, renal failure, cancer and having to put him down, I've been in a state of day-to-day crisis for over a year now. After Spike was diagnosed last March, I only had 2 days away from him. Before that, it was my own personal health and recovery. Before that... well... life always just felt like a reaction to what could and often did go wrong. The other shoe was going to not just drop, but smack me around a bit before kicking my ass to the curb.
**sighs** It's really hard to live like this. It requires a great deal of energy to be this stressed out about what may or may not be, what is or is not the case, and what could be around the corner. I wouldn't say that I am paranoid, but I am primed for the fight/flight. And it shows. I ran into a friend yesterday at the grocery store, and he said that I always look sad/stressed.
The stress/fear/panic makes it hard to make plans for the future. Sure, I had a few bright points here and there. Tickets to concerts, plans with friends, and even a short vacation here or there, but even the good things were part crisis. I couldn't make plans past having to figure out the logistics of the good things. Even the good things were things that I needed to survive.
I want to turn the ship around. I want to be an easy, breezy, beautiful CoverGirl. Part of me will always be serious. There's no getting past that. But I want to put down the metaphoric gloves for a while and just learn how to relax and enjoy life more than I have been. I don't need the crisis to thrive. I know it's possible.
That version of FatGirlVsWorld has the mental space to focus on herself, her health, and other things.... such as... People have asked me if I'm going to Fitbloggin 14 in Savannah, GA (June 26-29, 2014).
And well... now that I don't need to be in crisis mode anymore cause of Spike.... it's something I can actually consider going to.
What do you all think?