Veering Off Course

In list format: 1. I often say "I have a case of the stabbies" -- what does that mean? Well in reference to my uterus, the stabb...

In list format:

1. I often say "I have a case of the stabbies" -- what does that mean? Well in reference to my uterus, the stabbies are either (a) a hemorrhagic ovarian cyst (b) painful cramps or (c) something else that feels like a large kitchen knife residing where it shouldn't be.

2. I've had a case of the stabbies for the past week (consisting of c then b stabbies)

3. My back is still hurting me.  (and I wouldnt' be able to make it through the day at work without my Nada Chair)

4. I've not been to the gym since August 11th, and my step count is around 6,000-8,000 painful, hunched-over steps a day.  And no, life doesn't stop just because I'm in pain. My #1 fear right now is that I won't be able to get back into the gym, that I'll regain the weight, and ultimately I will need to have surgery. That scares the bejeebus out of me. And I'm pretty fearless. Doctors can offer me 3 things: medications (I try not to use them); epidural steroids (make the rest of my body more prone to injury, causes weight gain); or surgery (could fail, could cause more injury to surrounding muscles, long effing recovery).

5. All this put together means that I'm in a funk, and feeling a bit (a) sorry for myself and (2) depressed.  Which means.... my diet has gone to shit.  Last night for dinner I had the Fiber One version of PopTarts. A serving is 1 pastry/190 calories (half a packet).  I had 4 pastries. For a grand total of 760 calories.  And I was well under my caloric target because I hadn't eaten much that day other than a bowl of oatmeal and a salad.

6. Why haven't I been eating?  When I have the stabbies, I am often nauseated.  Because I'm all vomity, I go between not wanting to eat for fear of vomiting and eating crap because it's (a) not long for my stomach or (b) it's the only thing I'm interested in.  ((and this vomity feeling makes grocery shopping impossible!))  Then there's also the fun of migraine headaches (barometric cause -- i.e. weather) that make me nauseated.  It sucks because other than these two things, I have pretty much an iron-clad gut.

7. The end result is that I don't dare go near a scale because I know that even if I've lost weight, I'd feel bad about it because it wasn't through proper nutrition and exercise, and if I've gained weight, I'd feel even worse because I'm all decrepit.

8. I also retreat into myself.  It's not that I actively push people away, it's just that I'm 75% hermit.  I have to force myself to be social sometimes.  I have friends/coworkers I normally talk to every day and I just haven't talked to them.  I kinda know the reason why but I don't really know how to say it.  Suffice it to say, I go home at night and crawl into bed and just hope this will all be over soon.

9. I never did find the hot, sexy man-tendants to either carry my litter around DC or to clean my apartment/do my chores.  Being single sucks when you're sick.  No one to kiss your forehead and tell you it'll all be okay.  Okay, there might be people to do that, but no one you believe.

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16 comments

  1. Oh girl, hang in there! Your readers and fitblog friends are sending lots of good vibes your way.

    If you were in Iowa I would bring you some soup! and maybe a hunky guy to do your bidding ;)

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  2. We'll always have Hugh Jackman!

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  3. Forget the weighing scale and concentrate on getting better. It sounds like you have enough to deal with, without worrying about weight. I know, I know... easier said than done.

    I hope you feel better quickly :)

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  4. Emily: Thank you -- and yes please to the hunky guy :)

    Michelle: *wipes tear from eye* Yes, won't we?

    Mark: oh believe me -- the scale is the furthest thing from my mind right now... being able to walk normally is top priority.

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  5. Yes please forget about the scale. Just concentrate on getting better and getting lots of rest. And if it helps, try hiding the scale like I do. Then I don't even have to look it it as a reminder to weigh myself. :)

    P.S. And at least you got your daily intake of fiber in with those poptarts. Can't go wrong there. Hehe

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  6. It's easy for me -- i use the scale at my company's gym -- so if i can't go to the gym, I don't see the scale.

    The silver lining in a carb-cloud?

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  7. Stupid girl parts and back pain! I hope you are feeling better soon! I may have to look into the Nada chair.

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  8. *kiss* on your forhead.

    It will be okay, sweetie.

    Angela Pea
    a Sometimes Other Mother

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  9. Angela:

    That made me giggle. You know, I can't wait to be married, in the hopes of having a mom again?

    I need all the mothering I can get!

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  10. I understand. I have the knee of an 80 year old. Yikes! No end till they replace it and even then.... I'm skeptical.

    Chronic pain sucks, can change you as a person if you let it. I don't always win the battle but I try on most days and like you, just put one foot in front of the other. Keep doing what your doing!

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  11. You have been having a string of crappy luck lately! Hang in there! It has to get better soon, right?

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  12. I am sitting here impatiently waiting the the Star Trek people to get on making that transporter, so that I can materialize over there with some tea, and watermelon, and help straighten up for you while your back is misbehaving.

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  13. Sarah -- I'm glad you understand that surgery doesn't solve things. People say to me "why don't you just operate?" well... it doesn't always relieve the pain.

    Julie -- as for the bad luck, i'm just hoping this means i hit the lottery soon

    And if I do hit the lottery, Crystal, I'll just fly you up here :)

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  14. So sorry you've had the stabbies AND that your back hurts AND that you've had shitty times. :(

    But I hope that it will get better soon...and if this whole goal is to be healthier, it can't be ruined by a few weeks of non-gym activity. Plus, that many steps is fabulous.

    You're doing what you can...and you will succeed in the long run!! :)

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  15. How about that Nada Chair!! I'm glad it helps!

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  16. HFP: when it rains, it pours... right? and you're right. Just because I can't get to the gym doesn't mean I can't make OTHER healthy choices. But i don't think a long run is in the near future.

    Natalia: It's great when I want to sit places that don't have chairs (or chairs with backs) like on bleachers, or at the beach, or in a park.

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<3 Robby