Back to your regularly scheduled programs...

In no particular order (and in list format, as you know I love lists): 1.  A big shout out to my family that reads my blog.  I'm glad ...

In no particular order (and in list format, as you know I love lists):

1.  A big shout out to my family that reads my blog.  I'm glad you like it.  I'm tickled you think I'm funny.  And though I'm in DC, I'm glad it can be a way to stay close.  I am really starting to feel that 200+ miles is way too far from all of you.  I think as I grow older and more confident in who I am, the more I want my family to be a part of my identity. Cousins, second cousins, once removed, aunts, uncles, father, brother, friends that feel like family.... man I'm one lucky girl to have this many people love me.  I just hope one day I'm able to adequately and genuinely show my love for each and every one of you in a way that truly expresses just how appreciative I am to have you in my life.

2.  I'm just getting back from a week+ of vacation.  I am so behind on reading all of your blogs. I'm so sorry.   I'm trying to at least skim them so I know if anyone is in crisis or has milestones to celebrate.

3.  It's also been two weeks out of the gym (b/c of my back), sporadically food logging, and not eating according to my plan.  I have 69 days until the wedding.  I think I can manage to lose 20 lbs by then if I buckle down.

4.  Again, another thank you to all the people (my IRL friends, my family, my twitter & blogspot friends) who let me feel a bit broken and emotional.  My date asked me why it's been so long since I've been in a relationship, and I cobbled some sort of explanation together that seemed not too pathetic (i.e. not meeting the right people, socializing with coworkers and not wanting to mix business and pleasure, etc.) but that wasn't the reason at all.  I know what it's like to love someone and lose them.  I barely survived losing my mother.  I can't ever imagine loving someone romantically, knowing that at any turn I could lose that love (by choice or by circumstance).  I don't really know how to put it any other way than that.  Loving someone scares the bejeebus out of me.  And the reason why this rejection hurt more than others (as I'm rather experienced in being rejected) is because I could see past losing him--I could see days filled with him.  By his touching my knee, by meeting my gaze, by running his fingers through my hair, I thought he wanted to at least have a second date and take a chance on me.

5.  And that made me realize that I am not following my own advice.  In times like this, sometimes it's best to focus on loving yourself when your heart is feeling all stomped on. Focus on the task at hand. Focus on the people who take away your fears.

6. I won't weigh myself this week -- but I will next Sunday, per Emily's advice.  I'm hitting the reset button and going balls to the wall.

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4 comments

  1. Babe, I love the way you have analysed and picked yourself up! I'm still struggling with it, but when you're feeling all over the place - loving yourself and getting tlc from those who love you is definitely the best medicine!

    PS - Have missed you ;-)

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  2. Hi Andrea -- I've missed you too :)
    I'm still not 100% but at least I can pull myself up from the pit of despair I'm normally in after something like this happens.

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  3. I wish I had a restful excuse like vacation for being so behind on blog reading...but alas, life just keeps happening at full speed. I hope you're able to let go of the fear of losing someone. That is such a huge thing to overcome but I'm confident you can do it, you are strong enough, and that the right guy will come along to help you out and make it a little easier!

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  4. If the choice is ever between reading my blog and living your life, I'd hope that any of my readers picks living their life over reading my blog. It will always be here. I will always be here. Life... well... might not?

    I have it on my white board to open my heart more and to trust that it is resilient. It's hard for me. I mean, I even think of my cat being 8 years old. For as much as I love the furball, I'm petrified of the day when he's no longer in my life.

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<3 Robby