The Gorilla in the Room

I ate 750 calories worth of peanut butter cookies as a post-lunch snack. That lunch? Two slices of Lestina pizza from Bertucci's (&qu...

I ate 750 calories worth of peanut butter cookies as a post-lunch snack.

That lunch? Two slices of Lestina pizza from Bertucci's ("An explosion of Mediterranean flavors - prime white mushrooms, Romano cheese, fresh rosemary and sage, sun-dried tomatoes, sweet roasted garlic and fresh mozzarella"). And yes, they were nommy.  I ate the hell out of the sweet roasted garlic.  Wanna kiss?

Once I figured out the caloric count a single cookie and then multiplied it by the 5 cookies I had, I went into a sheer panic. 


Sheer-absofuckinglute-panic. 


Fat Robby (cousin to Bad Wayne?) took the helm.  She hit me with every judgment and criticism possible about how Good Robby was failing, how Good Robby would never win, how Good Robby just didn't get it.  Fat Robby said "why not eat the whole box, might as well go all the way!" 

I ran this morning (burned 650 calories) and I had just undone all that work with mindless eating. 
A conveyor belt from the box (that I had begged my friend not to bring to me, that his wife baked) to my mouth.   I farmed the cookies off to my office crush just in time for him to tell me he was engaged. 

Luckily for me at a time when I most wanted to cram my mouth full of food (1) I had just given it away and (2) I was already disgusted with the feeding frenzy and (3) was a bit too busy feeling sorry for my single ass (while my coworker reminded me that he was allergic to cats and thus it would never work out).

So my dear readers, I keep on proving my humanity over and over again. 
I just wish I'd learn the lessons. 

I was going to go BACK to the gym to run some more... but as I was leaving my desk, I had an epiphany-- that if these cookies, and eating them, sent me into such a downward spiral, that exercising was just putting a Bandaid over the problem, not addressing it head on.  I came home and cleaned my apt a bit while waiting for my dad's call (helping him once again understand his BodyMedia Fit). 

So what was the problem?  There are certain foods that I just can't be trusted with right now as I can't be moderate or non-judgmental about it.  That will require some practice.  I'm still not out of the woods yet.  Trusting myself to be neutral towards food is something my dietitian and I have had the biggest challenge over.  But I'll understand it one day.


Luckily I have some great friends on Twitter who helped buoy me up
"YOU ARE OK. Breathe. Your cookies did NOT make you undo all your hard work. Realize that :) ...  Don't be defined by the cookies you ate on ONE day in ONE year. It isn't every day, for the rest of your life. Got it? GOOD."

This is not failure.
Remount the horse tomorrow.
Rinse, repeat.  Again.

(yah, i just had to do that in haiku)

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21 comments

  1. I'm glad you didn't go back to the gym. That's just punishing yourself, not moving because you like to be active.

    You ate cookies. No Big Deal.

    I ate M&Ms today. So? It won't magically make me gain five REAL pounds (I say REAL because water retention and all that crap might show up on scale).

    But like I said, keep pushing forward. You've got this.

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  2. Thank you for being my lifeline when I was slipping back into old habits.

    And you're right -- I shouldn't go to the gym if I'm considering it penance or punishment. It's either part of my routine, or something I truly enjoy (like softball!).

    I had a package of dark M&M's a few weekends ago and I didn't breakdown because I took the time to ask "Am I hungry?" (yes!) "Is this what I truly want?" (yes!)

    I didn't truly want these cookies. They were there. I remembered how good they were the first time I had them. And I wanted them in me! There was no thought process.

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  3. Remember all the success you've had! You are a woman of great determination and ability. So there are some things you just can't control. You're not perfect. Just do your best to not get in those situations. (Me? I can't go to Trader Joe's unless I have a carefully pre-screened list and stick to it. Anything and everything I buy off-list will be gone in 24 hours.)

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  4. Nan -- you know, I asked him not to bring them....
    I try to control what I can... I just wish people would listen to me!!

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  5. my bulimic urges would probably have taken over... glad you calmed down and took control!

    Keep kicking butt!

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  6. Laura -- between you, me, and everyone else here... I am so thankful I am not bulimic. That would have been the end of me.

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  7. Just move on from here. It didn't undo ALL the weight you've lost. You're good. :)

    And, hey, at least you enjoyed those cookies (they look delicious!).

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  8. Natalia -- you know, maybe if I ate them slower i would have enjoyed them more :(

    I'm a cookie vacuum.

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  9. Neutral with food is a lifelong goal. As the not so proud owner of a binge eating disorder I can identify entirely and therapy is the only thing that helped me.

    I hope that you don't get on the scale tomorrow. Because it will go up, sugar and salt is like that but your fitness improved because of your run whether you ate cookies or not. You next run will be easier, that's where you're heading.

    I'm so glad you stayed away from the gym too, food is not bad, and exercise isn't punishment. There is no shame, ever in feeding yourself. EVER! Big hug through cyber space.

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  10. Rita, i was thinking about it.
    I mean... imagine if it went down?
    Imagine if my body was like "OMG THANKS FOR THE COOKIES!!! Here, have some weight loss!"

    I like what you wrote that food isn't bad and exercise isn't punishment.

    Thanks for the cyber hug :)

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  11. I know you will be able to understand and overcome it. I am glad too that you didn't punish yourself, you are such an amazing person and you are doing great...cookies or no cookies!

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  12. The cookies sound delicious, and yes, you can have them. It's the base of any healthy diet, and with healthy I mean psychologically.

    I would never have made 25 pounds so far if I couldn't have had a cookie or a bit of chocolate every now and again, you know. Weight Watchers even include it in the programme, but indeed, just a few. Five was maybe a bit overdoing it, but no reason for panic, hon.

    I never commented on those pics you posted a while ago, out of sheer jealousy. You look great (yes you can look even better, I know, but the difference is remarkable already). And out of awe: I would never dare to post a pic of myself in a bikini. The horror!

    Now I'm slowly turning into a whale, undoing all my efforts, or so it seems at least. I'm not really gaining weight, that's a good thing, but still...

    Hon... Those cookies were worth every crumb. Just don't do five at once again :-p

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  13. First, *Air Kiss*!!

    Now, Listen to Me. You are not defined by peanut butter cookies. AND, you know exactly how much time you'll need on the treadmill to work it off. So do it!

    Every single day arrives with an amazing gift - a chance for a humungous Do-Over. So grab it! Start again!

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  14. Everyone has done a great job of saying what I wanted to say. It was one day...not the end of the world. I am also glad you didn't use the gym as punishment. Cookies are one of my weaknesses, too...I think there will always be weaknesses. You have come so far - you going to keep going - a few cookies is NEVER going to destroy that. :)

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  15. Thank you all -- you are SOO right -- Five was too much... but not over the brink....

    I <3 my blogger friends :)

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  16. Everyone slips. At least you're sage enough to understand it goes beyond the cookie craving. And you didn't enable this slip for the future. You nipped it in the bud, hard and fast, and ponied up to face tomorrow, sans cookies.

    I totally get the relationship to food. It's always going to be a struggle, but with time you find yourself being the stronger of the two. Really.

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  17. I don't care if people think i'm nuts if i have to chant "I'm stronger than a cookie" over and over again until the feeling passes.

    I hope to be stronger than a dessert. I really do.

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  18. Now I want a cookie! :P J/K I am glad you made it through cookiegate. Just remember you can't beat yourself up for one slip!! You are way too awesome for that!

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  19. Brigitte -- I think a lot about all the times I've failed at weight loss. I didn't beat myself up over the slips. I put the slips under the rug and ignored them.

    I have to face them head on.

    And one cookie. not 5.

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  20. Hi
    I love the twitter phrase that you got from your friends. I need that one! Sometimes, I just beat myself up over the smallest slip ups. We all have them, its just not always that easy to move past it.
    have a great week.
    Sherri

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  21. The one thing I'm trying to learn is not to move past things until I've sat with them for a while. I have to deal with the emotions or they'll keep on popping back up.

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<3 Robby