Sorry about the vague post. Thank you for all of the crossed fingers -- but it turns out that the happy thoughts were unsuccessful for the intention requested. But having so much love ended up being exactly what I needed. I shall explain...
So I was in NYC for a week on vacation. I decided while I was there, I'd switch my OKCupid.com profile to reflect the Zip code I was in. Right off the bat, a bunch of interesting guys started to chat me up.
On Sunday, I ended up talking to one guy for two hours.
I decided to ask him if he wanted to meet -- fruitless as it might be because he lived in NYC and I live in DC (but have ties up the wazoo to the NYC/LI area). He didn't hesitate in agreeing.
Well lemme tell you. OMG I've never felt such chemistry with someone right off the bat like that. When he smiled, my heart melted. On paper we match so well and I thought we had a great date. And yes, even some amazing kissing (I'm very particular in how I like to kiss -- no slobbering, no tongue jousting contests). I even asked him if he felt the same chemistry in the air and he said yes.
After three days of absolute fretting (if you know me on Twitter, you saw my uncool come out) he emails me that he can't see a future with me.
I'm absolutely baffled. That day I had to drive out to Long Island to visit my mom's side of the family. The whole way out I'm crying while I'm driving, and doing the classic "What did I do wrong?!?" thing. I even stopped in a parking lot of a grocery store to reply to the email (which I should not have done.... "I appreciate your honesty and your courtesy. Not gonna lie, I am kinda sad that you can't see at least getting to know each other better. I don't need a future... just a second chance even if it is just as friends.")
I hate that for no matter how much bravado I may or may not have at any given moment, that something like that could totally suck the wind out of me. That someone could do that. That it wasn't up to me.
There are things I may or may not have done wrong (like the 3rd and 4th glass of wine on a pretty empty stomach) but the ultimate thing I really need to focus on is that nothing is wrong with me, intrinsically speaking. I am perfectly lovely, and perfectly lovable just the way I am (impatient as I am).
I'm very lucky to have had two of my very best girlfriends on hand to help keep my chin up. So I cried on the LIE. I wasn't crying over him, per se. I was upset for myself because I put my heart out there (which is hard for me to do) and still it didn't work out for whatever reason. I'm very lucky to have been around both sides of my family today (in different locations) to remind me that while I may be single, I am far from alone.
It's always difficult to put your heart out there. It's the only way to find what you're truly after though. Celebrate the fact you took a chance and learn and move on. HUGS!!!!Reply
Oh, I can relate to so much of this... when I was internet dating (which is how I met my current DBF), I had many heartbreaking experiences like this... even the "3rd or 4th glass of wine on an empty stomach" part. It sucks. You handled it well. It isn't about you at all... or the wine... if he was into you enough, the 3rd or 4th glass of wine doesn't matter... but I'm sorry... it hurts... it's okay to be sad about it.Reply
Well I wish there was some type of post-date review system to know where exactly it went wrong. Was it something I said (i.e. bringing up the celibate thing) or something I did (like making out like teenagers in a restaurant bar).Reply
I'm sorry it didn't work o9ut. But I applaud your bravery for getting out there and meeting anyway. :) ::HUGE HUGS::Reply
Hi, I know how you feel. For me, even putting myself out there on dating sites was scary. I experienced what you are going through and I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't me, but it was very difficult to overcome and finally accept that it wasn't. Geez. All my old insecurities came rushing forward too, but my tenacity helped and I overcame the questions I kept asking myself and finally realized AND believed it was him, not me. Of course the hardest part was putting myself out there again :)Reply
Well I don't think it's him or me.Reply
I love all my friends who are trying to comfort me by saying bad things about him -- but the truth is that he was being honest. I can appreciate that. I still wish I had more details as to why he didn't think it worked.
I like feedback. Like if he said "look, you're just 4 sizes larger than a girl I'm attracted to" or "I prefer a more demure girl" that'd be me knowing that it wasn't him, it wasn't me. It just wasn't "us." yanno?
but the insecurities are really hard to deal with.
Hmm...I'm not gonna trash the guy. He was up front and honest, and you can't call that a serious fault!Reply
Don't wish away your singleness - enjoy what it has to offer for now. Someday when you are up to your eyeballs in children, exhausted beyond belief and still have to feed the masses (including the dog), launder their bazillion pairs of socks, and figure out everyones' schedules for the next week, you'll reminisce about the quiet, peaceful times!
Hey, sorry to hear that things didn't work out as you had hoped.Reply
If it bothers you, why not just ask him outright via email. Tell him he can be blunt, and that you're not looking to change his mind. You just want to learn from the experience and would really appreciate his help. If he is a decent guy, he'll respect that.
Glad you're keeping your chin up :)
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. I agree that it was best that he was honest - but it's still crappy!!Reply
I have been in your shoes. I was single for 4 years - and tried the internet dating game. I had so many dates - several of them that I really thought had some potential. We'd go out a few times and then they would just stop contact - no texts, no phone calls, no emails...that was the most frustrating time of my life!!
Finally, after I stopped trying, I became a chat room hermit. I found a local chat room and just went there for company and friendly conversation...no plans or intentions. Then, BAM, I started chatting with a local guy. We chatted for a couple of weeks in the chat room - and then started private chatting. Finally, he asked me if we could meet. I was very hesitant, but agreed. Well, when we first met, he hardly said a word. We generally chatted - but after he left I thought I'd never hear from him again. About 10 minutes after he left, I got a text asking when we could see each other again...the rest is history - we've been together a little over 5 years.
It was so hard going through the motions when I was looking - but once I least expected it, Mr.Right was there. I have a feeling the exact same thing is going to happen to you...and soon. *HUGS*
Angela: I've been single for most of my adult life. At some point there is this most beautiful transition from wanting to be loved to wanting to love. I don't think that children are in the cards for me, but I do want romantic love in my life. I think it would bring out all the best parts in me. I've had enough peaceful times.Reply
Mark: I am the kind of girl to do it, but i think it might be too soon. In thinking back, I think I dropped the "I'm celibate" bomb a bit too soon. There was some flirting and innuendo, and I wanted to make sure that he didn't think I was leading him on. I think that might've been the nail in the coffin, but I won't know until I ask. I'll let a few weeks pass by before that happens. Right now I'd only be looking to change his mind.
Joanna -- I wasn't expecting him. I switched my zip code on my online profile for a lark one night and we started chatting. Had I not switched my zip code to my friend's zip code in Astoria, we would have never met. Had my friend not said "What have you got to lose?" I wouldn't have asked him if he wanted to meet up for drinks.
I have had online dating profiles ever since the days of love.aol.com (which is now Match.com) (since 1999). I think I sell myself really short when it comes to meeting guys "IRL." I don't know what will change that or when I'll open myself up to that. I have just had so many shitty experiences with men that at some point I think I drew a line in the sand and was like "ugh. don't want to do this anymore."
I think that sometimes the hardest thing to accept is that a good date doesn't always mean a second date. Sometimes people are just looking for different things... I'm with ya on the need for feedback though. The post-it episode of Sex and the City says it all: guys need to get over their fear of "being the bad guy" and just sack up and be honest. I'm pretty strong; you're not gonna break me, you know?Reply
I'm a bad woman, I guess. I have absolutely no clue when it comes to Sex and the City references.Reply
But I don't think he's bad in any way. I think my dad wanted to defend my honor or something and challenge him to a duel. Totally unnecessary.
I just don't like the vague, almost politic let down. Have at it. I mean, at least I know why things didn't work with the guy who walked up to me and said "I can't do this" (i.e. a fat girl).
Ok I agree that there is nothing wrong with you, I think you are just brilliant. I have so much confidence that like a couple of other amazing people I know who happen to still be single...you're headed for something incredible. It hurts though to see you sad that you're not there yet. I'm sorry you had to go through this heartache but happy for the silver lining that you are not at all alone but are so beloved!!Reply
Goodness Kyoko -- you keep on making me bring up the buddhist stuff :PReply
So one tenet of buddhism, loosely translated, is that suffering comes about by our desire to control (people, situations, outcomes). The minute I let go of the desire to control, the suffering ends and a world of opportunities opens itself up to me by letting life happen naturally.
In other words, if I let go of this one person, and this one outcome, life might present to me something beyond my wildest imagination.
In other words, you're 100% right.
Thank you for your love and support. You're so darling.
You don't have to respond, but you are a lovely person and I'm sorry that the universe didn't line up this time. It's hard when something knocks you for a loop like that, and I hope you didn't beat yourself up too much for putting yourself out there.Reply
That saying about frogs and princes is true, but I'd like to share one that my friend told me. Lobsters mate for life, and we're all looking for our lobster. Some men are shrimps (haven't grown up to be lobsters yet/are pretending to be lobsters) and some men are just crabs. That guy sounded like a shrimp.
Aren't you just the sweetest! I love this reply.
Sadly shrimp is my favorite type of seafood.
I think i might do better looking for a King Prawn: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d19BawjJPhY
I'm not going to beat myself up. I just need to find my resilience.
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