FatGirl vs World

I really hate truisms like "God only gives you as much as you can handle" (I'm an atheist, but I hear it a lot) or "That which does not kill you only makes you stronger."  On the face they try to say something deep but when you dissect them, it's really just a whole lot of bullshit.  The only truism that I truly belief is "Shit happens."


In March, I had my second foot surgery:  a plantar fasciotomy with heel spur reduction.
The recovery for this foot has been much faster and straight forward than it was for my left foot. My left foot was pretty effed up from two bad sprains when I was younger.  I think this contributed to the bruising and long recovery on my left foot.  My right foot recovery was pretty fast and straight forward.


But nothing can ever be that simple, eh?
HAH!


The x-ray above doesn't actually show the injury (need an MRI) -- but I've been dealing with a peroneal subluxation.  Basically the tendons behind my ankle pop out of place and most always snap back into place shortly thereafter.  When it's not doing that, I'm usually okay, but when it dislocates, it's super painful and gross feeling.  The MRI will hopefully reveal why it's dislocating.  I brought my 2017 CT scan of my feet (from after my feet getting run over) and the ortho could already tell that I have a shallow retromalleolar groove (i.e., the place where the tendons hang out behind the ankle).  That could be one reason.  I could also be dealing with a torn tendon or a torn superior retinaculum (the tissue that holds everything in place).

One of the better descriptions was in regards (to bigoted asshole) Curt Schilling's injury during the 2004 World Series:

Schilling's ankle tendon is normally held taut against his ankle by a thin but strong sheath, similar to sausage casing. The sheath keeps the tendon snuggly in a groove along his fibula bone. This tight arrangement allows for ankle movement, balance, and muscle power. The latter is crucial to Schilling, who generates much of his pitching power from his right foot. 

This sheath somehow has torn, likely from intense stress during recent pitching outings.

"You can't generate muscle power with this injury," said Martin.  Braces, no matter how sturdy, cannot replicate the sheath, she said. "It's not something you can brace or tape well enough to tolerate playing," said Martin. "There's nothing externally that holds it as snuggly as that sheath can internally."

Fun, right?
So I might be facing yet another foot surgery.

Sorry for not blogging more, but I really do feel like a broken record.  Or a broken broken record.  I thought 3 years, 3 surgeries was a bit much and repetitive.  I can't imagine what 3 years and 4 surgeries would make me sound like.

No easy way to say this....

On November 6, 2010, I was on top of the world -- my best friend was getting married and I weighed in at my lowest adult weight of 188lbs.

But all of the work I did to get there (100+ miles a month on the elliptical) took a toll on my body and I knew I had to give my back a rest.  I regained a few pounds through the first few months of 2011, but I let it go knowing that I was listening to my body and not risking re-injuring my lower back.

So in 2011, I switched gears and started boxing.  Not only was I kicking butt, but I was feeling great.  Not even someone trying to make me feel bad could affect my stride.  My running complemented my boxing, and I could feel my body changing and getting stronger.  But  that success was short lived when I started feeling weak in my left arm in July.  My doctor and I approached the injury conservatively.  I stopped boxing for a while, did physical therapy, and for a while the pain went away.  I resumed my boxing and running and the pain came back.  By December, we knew what we were dealing with:  a herniated disc at C5-6 and a bulging disc at C6-7.

2012 began with treating the new injury -- more drugs, more rest, more rehabilitation. I experienced some moderate improvement, but my recovery has been nothing like my lower back's recovery.  My lower back's injury wasn't as severe, and I think has been a bit of a non-issue as of late.  I'm aware of what hurts it (walking on hard surfaces, sitting for too long, using recumbent bikes, etc.) and take care to avoid those things.  I've tried to give my neck rest, but just about anything can aggravate it -- such as lying down, walking for 10 minutes, going down stairs, etc.).

With my friend Evan's guidance, I'm starting to investigate surgeons who will make my neck a bit more stable so I can get back to the gym.... because I've gained 17.5lbs since November 6, 2010.  And I do not like this.  I do not like this at all.  I'm disappointed in me, because I know there's so much I can be doing (i.e., being more focused about my diet, not drinking) and I'm just not.  I've been avoiding getting on the scale, but to tell you the truth, this number is lower than what I was expecting.  Part of the fat mentality is believing/fearing that any time you stray from the path, that you immediately go back to your worst.  I know how to get back on track.

I think reading Janet Oberholtzer's book is helping me realize one big part of the picture:  I need to mourn the loss of my spinal health.  It really does suck to be stuck in a body that is aging faster than my heart and mind. It sucks that I have to face making these decisions without any guarantees as to the result.  It sucks that I fear other people touching me because I feel so fragile.   The sooner I feel and deal with these feelings of loss, the sooner I can focus on what I can do, what I can do about my situation.

But you've come here because you want to know the winner of the Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer, right?
I want to thank each and every person that entered the contest.  I received a whopping 780 entries!! Can you believe that?

Without further ado -- I present the winner of the KitchenAid Stand Mixer:


Jess, congrats!! Send me an email with your address and I'll get that beautiful stand mixer to your new home!

I realize this will be post number 3 for 2018 (down from 7 in 2018):

1. January 2, 2018—2018: Put Your Oxygen Mask on First
   "I have been stuck in the same feedback loop of injury, recovery, [bonus obstacle!], injury, recovery.  Reporting back and forth on that cycle doesn't seem very exciting.  But a big THANK YOU to everyone who has kept be buoyed up during my rough patches over the past 2 years.  I can only hope to return the kindness one day."
2. May 27, 2018—If Broken, Yet Strong
   "Sorry for not blogging more, but I really do feel like a broken record.  Or a broken broken record.  I thought 3 years, 3 surgeries was a bit much and repetitive.  I can't imagine what 3 years and 4 surgeries would make me sound like."
3. November 29, 2018—Crashing in to the Finish Line

Yes, I know it's been a long time since I've blogged (June 2017 to be exact).  I have been stuck in the same feedback loop of injury, recovery, [bonus obstacle!], injury, recovery.  Reporting back and forth on that cycle doesn't seem very exciting.  But a big THANK YOU to everyone who has kept be buoyed up during my rough patches over the past 2 years.  I can only hope to return the kindness one day.

Left Coast:  In the beginning of December, I traveled to San Francisco for the first time.  It's super gorgeous there.

I still have the heel spur reduction/plantar fasciotomy on my right foot to look forward to (the last surgery was for my left foot).  Doctor and I had hoped to do both in quick succession, but the nerves in my foot had other plans.

Right Coast:  Towards the end of December, I visited Dad in NY.

Got this amazing photo of him looking out on the Narrows.  Had a lot of long talks and good times.  But (without going into too much detail) it's a reminder that sometimes when I'm going through a lot in my own life, that it's easier for me to focus on other people.

I hate using trite analogies -- but I need to put my oxygen mask on first.  It's not an "in case of a decrease in cabin pressure" type of situation; a "you're of more help to others if you help yourself first" thing:  my situation is more of a "girl, you are running on fumes, it's okay to take some air for yourself" kind of thing.

I'm good at taking care of myself in some ways ("adulting") and terrible at actually enjoying myself.  I find that my life is swinging from crisis to crisis. I need a better mode of travel through life. eh?

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In other news....

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you know that my cardio is rather predictable and boring (and usually blurry):



So when @SuzieRobb asked me the following, I wasn't surprised that more people haven't asked me the same. 

The answer?  Yes.  I do get sick of it.  HOWEVER....(and like I said to Suzie), I'm incredibly thankful for my boring, repetitive, locked-in-a-dungeon cardio.

I've written in many other posts about my history of back problems and just how it limits what I can do.  I've also mentioned in many places (in person and on the internets) that I miss being able to box (my doctor doesn't want me to spar, and I'm just a bit nervous about getting back into it).  I also cannot run on hard ground (I'm very jealous of all of you that get to enter races, get fancy tech t-shirts, and medals, and celebratory beers).  Heck, I can't even walk on hard ground (marble floors in museums are MURDEROUS). 

So I do what I can do.  My first few runs after neck surgery were slow, and painful.  (NB:  yes, I know two of you don't like me using the word "run" for what I do on the elliptical.  But since the ultramarathoners and iron men/women are okay with me using it, I'm going to use it.  So :P) I was lucky to get through one 12- minute mile before every nerve in my body told me to stop.  It wasn't just that I was out of shape, but I was scared.  I didn't want to jeopardize my surgery/recovery.

I had to re-learn my limits -- of how far I could go, how fast I could go, what cross-ramp I should use, how much resistance i could use -- and then figure out how much rest/recovery I needed between runs.  Once my doctor cleared me at the 3-month mark to (1) start rehab (2) start weights, I began to work those elements in to my workout plan.

So long story short, yeah.... I'm bored doing the same cardio almost every day (even if I am varying distance, speed, difficulty) and jealous of all you marathoners and CrossFitters, doing all these things I can't do.  But spending those 45 minutes or so on the elliptical, I'm able to meditate on how very thankful that there is this one thing that I can do.

I'm quite fond of saying that weight loss/health gain has 3 main components (I used to say 4, but I now include it the other categories) that are not weighted equally:


I wanted to talk a little bit about the foundation work.  That little slice of the pie can look very different for different people.

For me, the first part of the foundation was coming to grips with why I put on the weight to begin with (suffering the loss of my nana and my mother).  I needed to understand that trauma before I could effect any meaningful change in my life.  Otherwise, I'd be doomed to repeat the coping mechanism of eating over and over again.  I spent a good year in therapy to deal with my anxiety and did more work with my dietician to help understand the relationship between food and my sadness/need for connection.

The second part of my foundation had to do with coming to grips with my health and my body metrics.  I'm still going through this; starting over as someone with Celiac Disease and what that means for my diet and how I need to compensate.  But when I was first starting out, I think I needed to exhaust myself of all the excuses that absolved me of responsibility (such as a thyroid condition).  I needed to accept that my body was the result of my choices.  I needed to know my baselines -- my body chemistry, my body measurements (weight and tape measure) and my physical ability.

The third part was about changing my environment, my patterns, and my relationships.  It's not fun to take a look at your life and realize all the places that are pitfalls.  I had to own all the places in my life where I was able to make better choices but didn't -- because it was easy, it was what I always did, or what everyone was doing.  I had to be selfish and say "If I want my life to change, I need to change these things in my life."  And there was a lot of pain here as well as catharsis.  Doing this created space in my life to add things that would not only benefit me but benefit the people I cared about.

And the fourth part (that used to be its own category) is what I like to call "recovery."  I said that I integrated it into each category -- and it looks different in each category.  Foundation recovery is giving yourself the permission to take care of yourself and to let go of the rest.  Let go of the pain that disables you, let go of the grudge that eats away at you, let go of the people that bring you more sorrow than joy.  And then let go of the guilt of letting go.  Know that you can do these things and still survive.

I've been talking to my dad about his foundation, his path.  I said this to him privately, but I'll say this to you all (and to him) right here -- "I want your heart and mind to embrace this process.  Nothing to fear or avoid."  If you lay the foundation right, everything else becomes a product of self-discovery, of joy, of pride.  And none of it is because you're punishing yourself.  And that's what makes this time different than all the other times.

Doctor:  So, you know you're fat, right
Me (thinking):  I may be fat, but I'm not stupid.
Doctor:  [silence]
Me (thinking):  Okay, now what? 
Doctor:  [silence]

I left that appointment knowing no more than I had walked in there knowing.  No recommendations for a dietitian, or a weight loss counselor. So I needed to do some research, homework, and digging of my own.

I recently addressed exercise in my post "start with the joy." 

While I've talked about foundation (educational, emotional, environmental, personal relationships/support) I want to link to this post and this post that point out the mental processes needed to take the leap of faith into making your health a priority.

Most of my blog posts about recovery are about healing from injuries, and so they don't quite fit.  But what I mean by recovery is more along the lines of cellular regeneration.  Changing your body composition is a very labor-intensive request. You need to have rest days (not the same as a "cheat" day, a term that I abhor), you need to sleep (this is different for everyone), and you need to have balanced/counterbalanced exercise (i.e., not doing the same workout every day, not working the same muscle in one direction every day) in order for your body to make the changes that you're asking of it.

I've often talked about diet, but I don't want to harp on it here except to say "do what is right for you" but that the CDC says that people who food log are more likely to lose weight and keep it off.

What tied this all together for me was the BodyMedia armband. I bought mine in February of 2010 and have been wearing it ever since (I do take it off for special occasions, when I don't want a tanline, and when I need a break from "the journey").  I have found that more than anything else, the armband has taught me so much about not just my behaviors, but my own attitudes -- how I relate to food and my body.

Unlike other devices, the BodyMedia armband measures (vs. estimating) my caloric expenditure, steps taken, and my sleep patterns with remarkable accuracy (as clinically tested).  I can have confidence that the information that the armband gives me is an accurate reflection of how I live my life.  When I add food logging to the equation, the armband and the dashboard basically spells out my health for me (and my doctor, because you know I brought in the reports/data to my follow-up appointment to show my doctor just exactly what I was up to).

I wholeheartedly recommend it to everyone that I come across as one of the most valuable tools when it comes to weight loss and health gain.  Why?  If you know how many calories you are burning, you can start making better choices about how you live, how you're eating, and when you should go to bed.

With that in mind, how would you like to win a BodyMedia Armband and some other fun accessories?  My awesome friends at BodyMedia reached out to me because they wanted to send me a t-shirt for all of my tweeting and I asked if they'd consider including something for me to give away.  Lexi and the BodyMedia team sent me a whole box of goodies to give away!

Included are:

• BodyMedia Core Armband (normally $119!)
• Biggest Loser Power X-Train DVD 
• BodyMedia Swag (unisex large t-shirt, sunglasses, duffel bag, BPA-free waterbottle)

It'll all go to ONE lucky winner who fills out the following entry form:
[form removed]

Remember in science class (probably chemistry) when we are introduced to scientific scales that need to be re-zeroed before they can be used?  You hit the tare button. 

I think in the very same way I need to hit the tare button on my ability to drink.  Last night I behaved myself all through the post-softball caloric train wreck:  I didn't drink beer (I did have coke, which is unusual for me, but also had lots of water) and didn't eat all the fried foods that were available (I did have one chicken tender and made sure I savored it).  Then the party got moved from the dining room of the restaurant, to the bar. 

3 beers and a shot of tequila = 700-750 calories.  Ugh.  But not too bad b/c I burned 2800+ calories on the day.

I woke up this morning thinking (1) it was Friday (which it was not) and (2) that having your yearly physical/blood tests while you're hungover probably doesn't make a good impression on your doctor.  But luckily it is Thursday, and the appointment is tomorrow. 

To get my stomach properly oriented (as I rarely get headachey hangovers anymore, it's all digestive hangovers/proof that I shouldn't drink b/c my body doesn't like it) I ate an everything bagel with egg and sausage, a Naked Red Machine, and a banana.  I'm estimating this was all around 1000 calories.

Ugh again!!

I think the lesson I really need to learn is that it's truly not worth drinking in terms of calories, how I feel, and the recovery involved.  If I'm going to drink, it better be high quality and for a special occasion.

I had to go back into my archives and (1) see if I've written on this topic before (I have) and (2) see if I could find any advice for myself (I did).

I've already posted about what's going on with work, but the long of the short of it is that I feel like I have so many balls in the air, so many obligations to fulfill, that the ball that I'm dropping is myself.  It's totally against the #mefirst principles (i.e., that when life gets hectic, I still need to take the time to take care of myself).  Band practice/performance, two softball teams, boxing practice, (wedding shower+father's day weekend); bachelorette party; coordinating with the groom's side of things (I'm technically a groom's man, groom's maid?) my brother's rehearsal dinner (talked to dad about this, he's going to be more hands on), etc. and so on plus the unrelenting work deadlines and projects that are so unusual for my position (my boss is very good about planning/pacing work).  I know that no one is expecting me to do everything, but that doesn't alleviate the feeling like I should be doing everything.


I'm sure there's more, but I don't have time to look. 

1.  As of last week, I finally have a floor!! It isn't what I would choose, but it's what my building's insurance paid for.  And well...it's a floor (more floor!) (and new floor in the kitchen, as well as some new mirrored closet doors). It's a huge relief to, after 50 or so days, restore my sanctuary.  However...

Jack getting IV fluids and modeling the cone of shame

2.   There was a bit of a crisis while the crew was installing the new floor:  they didn't call me to tell me they were beginning the work of installing the parquet so I could get the cats out of there (they previously said that they could work around the cats).  I come home at lunch the first day of the project to meet with the lead contractor (to discuss the scope and schedule) and find that (1) they had begun laying down the adhesive and parquet and (2) that my cat, Spike, had walked right through the adhesive (and tracked it all over my apartment.  Did they call me to tell me this? No.  So by the time I get home, the adhesive had already dried.  I was LIVID.  I bundle up both of the cats and take them to the vet where they had to sedate Spike to remove all the adhesive from between each of his four paws.  Poor little woozle and $190 later...but....

3.   While we were at the vet, I noticed that someone had urinated blood in the carrier.  My money was on Jack and unfortunately it was right.  Back in May, I was concerned about some of his behaviors (frequent trips to the litter box) and we had taken him to the vet and done some urinalysis that came back negative for a UTI.  However, as we now know, it was a fairly large struvite bladder stone!  I took him in this past Wednesday night to had surgery the following day to remove the stone.  I visited him on Thursday night and was able to take him home on Friday (approximately $1650 later), but I'm still monitoring his recovery.  I had to take him in the night before because....

Notice how pretty my brain is?

4.  That same Thursday morning, I was scheduled to get some fancy 3T MRIs on my lower back and my neck.  Turns out, I'm quite photogenic.  Based on (1) my friend Evan's expertise with MRIs, (2) the MRI technician's opinion (3) the radiology report and (5) my experience with my own scans, we could tell a few things:   (a)  here's no new damage after 5 years for my lower back (b) no new damage after 1 year for my cervical spine (c) I have a brain! and (d) neither the best case scenario (the discs put themselves back into place) or the worst case scenario (more discs were bulging/herniated) came into play. 

5.  Today I met with the spinal specialist that Evan (my wonderful medical sherpa) recommended.  Not only did he have fantastic hair, but he was a real laid back dude with the time to talk to me about my history, where I'm at now, and where I want to be.  He digs that I'm an active person and this is limiting me.  He expressed hesitation regarding doing either a fusion or an artificial disc replacement ("ADR") on "someone so young" (why thank you doctor...).  And so he wants me to do an intermediate step before we get there.  My previous epidurals were steroids injected into the epidural space and were meant to help relieve inflammation around the herniated/bulging disc.  He wants to try a more targeted approach and see if a a "root sleeve injection" where the steroids are injected closer to where the affected nerve lives (little bugger we know where you're hiding!!). If that doesn't work, he favors an ADR procedure as compared to a fusion, because an ADR would (1) help maintain the integrity of my cervical spine (i.e., it wouldn't increase the responsibility of the surrounding discs as a fusion does) and (2) would preserve the range of motion (a 1-level fusion wouldn't mean much of a change in the range of motion, but the ADR gives my other discs a better chance of not needing to be addressed). Did I mention that he has fantastic hair?

From the time he was my date to a friend's wedding in NY.

6.  I'm going to take a moment to just publicly thank my medical sherpa, Evan, for all the help he's given me.  I can't sing his praises loud enough.  He has enough experience in the medical field to (a) help me navigate insurance (**shudders**) (b) help me find the right doctors (based on feedback he's received personally, and the professional opinions of the doctors he works with) and (c) keep me focused on the task at hand -- which is about finding a long-lasting remedy, not just a BandAid.  While I love my family dearly, we're just not equipped to handle medical issues.  Evan anticipates each step and makes to easier for me to focus on healing, not the administrative stuff that ramps up my anxiety levels.  So... Evan, I love you.  I hope the universe bestows a heap load of karma on you (apple pie is not karma, it is apple pie). 

7.  I've known Evan since college. And I know his very dry sense of humor.  Sometimes he just loves to pull my leg.  As we were leaving the MRI (yes, he's such a wonderful sherpa that he met me at my 7:30 am appointment), he tells me that he and the MRI tech doing the scans noticed an anomaly on my kidney.  I think he's just trying to pull my leg or to get me to relax after being in an MRI for so long.  But he assures me that he's not joking.  Chances are that it's nothing other than a fluid-filled cyst hanging out on my kidney.  They're pretty common and usually benign.  Most people don't know they have one until, like me, they go for a diagnostic test for some other reason.  Still, not going to tempt fate, and will be following up with my internist. 

So, now that I have a house, have two healthy cats, and am addressing my own medical issues, I feel a lot less stressed (still residual stress from not sleeping well, having gained weight, and the amount of money leaving my bank account).  I've gone from a 7.5 to a 3 or 4.  The feeling of always being in an adrenaline fight-or-flight panic mode has dissipated.  

Again, I want to thank everyone for bearing with me this past year where all I seem to talk about is being injured, chronic pain, and wanting to eat my feelings.  I also want to thank you for being there for me even if/when I have nothing to say.  I feel the love,  I really do.  Notably, I just received a card via snail mail from the amazing @coracast (who I affectionately cal "Lil" as in "lil sister" and she calls me Big Sis) with the sweetest words of support and love (as well as a prezzie!).  

I know how everyone makes vision boards to help them focus on their goals.  I think I want to make the most selfish board ever -- a love board -- a place to put all the reminders that I'm valued, that I'm heard, that I make a difference, that I'm loved.  You all have helped turn this stoic/stubborn/I-can-do-it-myself hardass into someone willing to reach out and accept help. 

You humble me with all the love and support.  Especially cause you know that I can be a massively arrogant megalomaniac sometimes. 

Last month, I asked my dear friend, @VinnySlavin, to wrap up #OctGTD for me.  He's one of the first friends I made on Twitter, thanks to #Fitblog.

I thought I'd do something a little different and ask @CannyMonkey to do the honors.  Why? Well for one, he signed up for Twitter just to be able to follow #NovGTD.  Secondly, he's been so good about blogging about his progress as it relates to #NovGTD. Third, he's been one of the most enthusiastic tweeple I know about #DecGTD.

So what follows are his thoughts about the challenge.  As always, feel free to send me links to your final thoughts and I will include them on this page as a link below!

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#NovGTD. What has it meant for me?

Up until joining the #NovGTD challenge I had been a solo weightloss-wannabe with the vague goal of wanting to lose weight and get fitter. I had been successful at both of these without the challenge but I lacked focus and, as a result, motivation on occasion. The huge goal of losing 151 lbs hadn't been broken down and managed into smaller chunks with mini-plans as to how to achieve each....I just had that huge goal on the dim and distant horizon with no real idea as to when I would get there. Sure, my blogger-peeps have been great with support and their words of encouragement have kept me strong but at the end of the day only I can feed my body healthily and only I can go for a run/spin 10K/perform 100 press-ups/etc and, as exercise is something I got out of the habit of doing many years ago, it requires me to put in a consistent effort if it is to become habitual again. This is where #NovGTD has really had an impact for me -- the goals we set are still personal ones but the fact that all participants are part of something larger, something with many moving parts and different minds, something inter-connected, something for all body-types (chubby amateurs to seasoned athletes), something which picks you up when you are in a funk, something...fab, means that exercising alone was never more sociable, and with this comes accountability. The weekly posting of results to the #NovGTD spreadsheet meant that I had smaller, workable goals to work towards and I work best and get most motivated, I think, when I have lots of boxes to tick, columns to fill in, results to post, etc as it is some kind of physical evidence (for me mainly, I don't feel the need to prove anything to anyone else) that I am working towards something. So, the spreadsheet helped my accountability to myself, but the Twitter aspect of #NovGTD brought me much deeper into this challenge than most as I got to chat, cajole, motivate, laugh and generally shoot the breeze with other participants and this instant community kept me coming back.

On the one hand, a skeptic could make the argument that all #NovGTD is, is just filling in some spreadsheet and you're on your own the rest of the time, and while that might be true for someone unwilling to make any effort, most of us successful #NovGTD participants realise that the more you engage with [___]GTD the more you get from it, because the true heart of NovGTD, for me, was the new people I met, their successes and failures, their points of view, their training ideas, their nonsense tweets...and mine. And when I say "Successful #NovGTD participants" I mean those that kept posting results each week, stretching their current comfort zone a bit more and posting on others' blogs or tweeting, i.e. getting involved, not necessarily those who achieved their goals. I achieved 88% of my running goal and 81% of my spinning goal, but I still went the distance in November and I'll have words with anyone who says otherwise!   ;o)

NovGTD. What have #NovGTD and the Romans ever done for me then , eh? (apart from the sanitation,...)   

• It encouraged me to break my goals down into smaller ones and go after them first. This meant that a bit of forward planning was required to allow for things like recovery days between runs.
     
• It introduced me to new folks and new ideas.
     
• I think that by keeping the challenge focused on exercise rather than weight-loss it kept things simple. Weight-loss was simply a fringe benefit.
     
• I learned that when I fall off-plan in what I eat (as i did for 2-3 days during the month), I also shut out the exercise and figure "what's the point?". This is not good and is a behaviour that needs to be corrected.
     
• During this month I have lost 2 inches on my waist and I am 9 lbs closer to goal weight thanks partly to healthy eating and partly to consistent exercise as part of my monthly GTD goals. It's great to see that #DecGTD makes more provision to get involved in reporting on daily water intake, fruit and veg consumption, etc. Exercise is nothing without good eating.

Summary

GTD has a simple kind of genius to it - the more you put into it, the more you get from it, and the only person you are competing against is yourself, while all around you is a large network of accountabila-buddies (reference for all the South Park junkies like me out there!). There were quite a few folks who started, and slightly over 50% who finished the month (judging by the posts on the spreadsheet) and were still pushing their own envelope and being accountable to themselves and others. The energy seemed to wain a little after the halfway mark but it soon returned in spades and ended November on a high note.....and the anticipation coming up to the start of the all-new, brand-spanking, bling-wearing, all-singing-all-dancing #DecGTD is palpable. For the new challnge I am pushing out of my comfort zone again - my goals are longer and harder, and I may not quite reach them again but quitting isn't even an option. Persistence, my friends, will triumph over perfection.

I would like to thank Robby [Phil, you're welcome -FGvW] for being a great host, opening up GTD to anyone who cares to challenge themselves, and giving me the opportunity to post some of my thoughts here. Three cheers for her and a hearty slap on the back. And lastly, I will leave you with a cheesy, cliched bit of advice (but, thinking about it, advice only becomes a cliche because it is true and it just gets used a lot, so let's not be too down on it).....


Thanks for reading guys, hope to be cheering you all on in DecGTD.

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Simon/@CyclingSi's thoughts.

Source here

If you were at Fitbloggin, chances are that you had a chance to meet the wonderful and amazing Janet Ober.  I've been following her on Twitter for a while as a casual acquaintance, I knew her name and her face, but I didn't know her story.  Imagine my surprise when I met her and noticed something a little different about this spunky blond with a huge smile:  (my dear Janet, I'm going to be blunt here -- anyone who knows me knows that sometimes my inquisitive nature doesn't have a filter and subsequently I can come off as insensitive, though it's not my intention) she looked like a shark had taken a big chunk out of her leg. 

I felt really bad for not realizing this about her before we had met, so I jumped on my smartphone and immediately looked up her Web site and then her story began to unfold before me.  Without having to say a word, I knew she understood and felt all the feelings I had about being injured and broken, I knew she understood the rollercoaster ride when one recovers from an injury. She knew what it's like to live with pain and restriction.

Our two messages seemed to belong to each other -- #GoTheDist Why? Because I Can.

It's hard to explain injuries and chronic pain to people -- some people think that just because you're not bleeding out, confined to a bed, or buttressed with metal that you're okay .  That couldn't be farther from the truth (pg. 156 "Yes, I might have survived the trauma, but daily life was kicking my butt.  It was not looking like I  thought it should.  The constant pain and low energy levels were wearing me out.").  Once the acute issues are handled, there are so many other issues that come up--about learning how to live with your injury versus letting your injury run your life, how to grieve for the loss of the life and body you wanted and the things you might not ever do again, and how to forgive the causes for the injury as much as the injury itself. 

While hugging her, I told Janet that she was the light at the end of my tunnel, telling me that I can get through this.  I meant every word and I am so thankful to have read her memoir.  I wasn't left with pity or sadness for her (or for myself), but a very strong sense that somewhere in Pennsylvania was this amazing woman who knew my pain and didn't need me to tell her every detail to be able to tell me I'd survive it.

So go and read her book and be inspired to "Bloom where [you are] planted."

NB:  One thing her doctor said to her really stuck with me:  "Our bodies protect themselves by giving us pain signals when something is not working properly. ... Your body has been beaten up, but you've done what you needed to help it recover well.  Trust yourself—you know your body better than anyone else.  Don't allow what others have said to hold you back."  (pg. 266, Dr. Tuckman)

You know that feeling of going from one crisis to another? You focus on what needs to get done (no more, no less) with blinders on to the rest of the world? The "I can only deal with what needs to be solved RIGHT NOW!!!!"

Between Jack's bladder stones/FLUTD and Spike's diabetes, pancreatitis, renal failure, cancer and having to put him down, I've been in a state of day-to-day crisis for over a year now.  After Spike was diagnosed last March, I only had 2 days away from him.  Before that, it was my own personal health and recovery.  Before that... well... life always just felt like a reaction to what could and often did go wrong. The other shoe was going to not just drop, but smack me around a bit before kicking my ass to the curb.

**sighs** It's really hard to live like this.  It requires a great deal of energy to be this stressed out about what may or may not be, what is or is not the case, and what could be around the corner.  I wouldn't say that I am paranoid, but I am primed for the fight/flight. And it shows.  I ran into a friend yesterday at the grocery store, and he said that I always look sad/stressed.

The stress/fear/panic makes it hard to make plans for the future.  Sure, I had a few bright points here and there.  Tickets to concerts, plans with friends, and even a short vacation here or there, but even the good things were part crisis.  I couldn't make plans past having to figure out the logistics of the good things.  Even the good things were things that I needed to survive.

I want to turn the ship around.  I want to be an easy, breezy, beautiful CoverGirl.  Part of me will always be serious.  There's no getting past that.  But I want to put down the metaphoric gloves for a while and just learn how to relax and enjoy life more than I have been.  I don't need the crisis to thrive.  I know it's possible.

That version of FatGirlVsWorld has the mental space to focus on herself, her health, and other things.... such as... People have asked me if I'm going to Fitbloggin 14 in Savannah, GA (June 26-29, 2014).
And well... now that I don't need to be in crisis mode anymore cause of Spike.... it's something I can actually consider going to.

What do you all think?

So yesterday I posted about stress and what I go through mentally and physically when I'm stressed out.  I had to go into work today for 3 hours (not onerous).  I decided to go to the gym after.  I did some upper body weights (to help tone my arms for the strapless dress that is in my future).  But since I was alone, I decided to do something I've never done:  run on a treadmill.  Not just run on a treadmill, but doing moderate wind sprints for a minute with a 30 second recovery.  I did 10 of them.  And I didn't fall off the treadmill!

I then watched the Spain v. Paraguay match on tv (I don't plug in my tv at home) and ran on the elliptical the whole time.  I logged 86 minutes of vigorous activity between the windsprints and elliptical (with a warm up and a cool down).

I will say this time and time again, and I will put it here so that I remember:  One of the reasons I got fat is that I accepted the obstacles as being immovable.  I'm getting healthy because I know I can move the same obstacles.

At the same time, the fat I have on my body is not the enemy.  It is my fuel.  It is my story.  It is what will bring me to where I want to and need to be.

For many years I've advised friends who asked that it's never fair in a fight to throw the kitchen sink at someone.  In other words, deal with the fight at hand, not issues and events long past.  Nothing can be done about those things.  Instead of a constructive environment where you're dealing with the present moment, you open the door to destruction, chaos, and mayhem where you dredge up everything and anything someone has done to you. 

Last night I let the kitchen sink fly.

I called dad for the first time in a month.  I prefaced the conversation that what I was about to say were facts and perceptions, not judgments or blame.  I was not throwing the kitchen sink at him. Rather, I was telling him there was a kitchen sink.  A gorilla in my emotional room.  I apologized that my mom wasn't around to share the weight of the sink, but that I could no longer carry it and move forward.

My big fear in doing this is that he would react as if it were blame or that he owed me explanations or penance, or that it would be a setback in his recovery from alcoholism.  I just needed understanding.  I needed him to know that I wasn't going to let those things hold me back anymore.  Lots of it had to do with my childhood and how my parents weren't in a good place themselves to be able to teach, nurture, and guide me.  I was overweight/obese as a child, and they knew when it started, why it started and didn't do anything about it except berate me and make me feel ashamed.  I needed him to know that, on behalf of my childhood self, that I was mad, disappointed, and no longer accepting that failing as my own.  I needed him to know that as a parent he failed me in ways that made me unhealthy both physically and psychologically.

I told him that I was able to go back into those memories and have compassion not only for myself as the child who was fearful, felt neglected, and needed guidance but for both him and my mom for not knowing any better.  I expressed regret that because of their own emotional issues that there were barriers that were in place (that I constructed, or just seemed to be there) that prevented us from having a healthy relationship with each other. 

I also told him that going forward that I would no longer worry about him more than I worry about myself in ways that were unhealthy.  I would recognize when his emotions were eclipsing my own.

To my surprise, he took lots of what I said on board.   I think over the years he's not just changed the lens with which he views me, but has switched cameras.  For a long time he saw me through my mother's eyes -- an angry child that wouldn't follow orders and would lash out.  When put in context of having a mother who was a psychological terrorist, he began to see that my actions and attitude as a child was just what I needed to do in order to survive.  Because no one was able to be a good example, I had to do a lot of trial and error on my own.  It made me stubborn as hell, but also tough as nails.  Despite being rather stoic, there were lots of things that were never said.  I should have said them when they came up, but I just didn't have the confidence that my parents would respond in a healthy way or a trust that I could speak my mind without repercussion. 

I asked him to think about what I said before replying (i.e., not trying to emotionally defend himself but to be able to calmly respond).

But I woke up today feeling great relief.  That I said what I needed to say in order to let the past be the past.