FatGirl vs World

Buddhists have a term -- dukkha -- that often gets translated as "suffering." But the term dukkha is much more complex than just the sensation of suffering:  Dukkha is the dissonance between what is (the present moment) and that which was (the past) and/or that which we want (the next moment).  Quite often the dukkha comes from the desire to control what happens in the next moment -- controlling a situation, an outcome, and even our own self.  Buddhists hope to end or mitigate dukkha by focusing on what is true and real in the present moment.


I've yet to find someone looking to lose weight/gain health that isn't suffering.  I see it in their eyes and I hear it in their words.  They suffer the past unhappiness and trauma that lead them to gaining the weight.  They suffer the present moment of having to carry the physical and emotional weight.  They suffer the anxiety and fear of having to live the rest of their life on a diet or in a gym.

Past:  So many people who are looking to lose weight are held back by their feelings about the past (disclaimer:  in the case of trauma, any investigation into the past should be done in a safe and moderated environment such as a psychologist's office so as to not cause further trauma).   In my opinion, it is next to impossible to change your life until you address the past and untangle yourself from its influence.  It's not about denying that your past happened, it's about saying that you're no longer going to let it dictate your present and future. Understanding one's past is much different than being held hostage by it.

Present:  The present is the only part in your timeline where you have any control, any say, any choice. In order to truly be in the present moment, you need to forgive yourself for any missteps that you may have made in the past and then let it metamorphose into the love you have for yourself today. Believe it or not, this is the way to enjoy the weight loss/health gain process.  Transformation cannot come from a place of shame, deprivation, anger, fear, or outside influence. It comes with having your mind and heart connected to your body in this very moment. You will have good days and bad, and moments that are hard, but you will find the strength to endure because this is a process of love.  Be a part of the the process; not apart from it.

Future:  The future is anything that has not already occurred and is not happening at the present moment. It's a place of endless possibilities.  When we try to control situations, outcomes, people, we restrict those possibilities of what could be.  Who knows, maybe the universe has something better for us than we could have ever imagined with our limited point of view.  The magic happens here.  When we learn to let go of our anxiety and fear in the present, we open a door to the future.  It's the ultimate act of relinquishment -- to give in to the process and say "let this path take me on a journey" versus "I know where I am going."

Now... just because I understand these concepts doesn't mean I'm a good practitioner of these things all the time.  I know that I hold on to the past; a past defined in loss. I find myself so focused on trying to get through things in the future that I have blinders to the present moment.  I forget that I can make healthy choices even while I feel inundated.  And I'm so very bad at trusting a future based on present actions.

BUT, I'm able to practice awareness of these things. I can catch myself in moments where I'm stuck in the past, or where I'm trying to architect a future. I feel the dissonance in my body when I'm trying too hard to control things that are not within my purview to control.

Shotover River, South Island, NZ

Sometimes I just close my eyes and imagine myself in a stream, and instead of trying to swim upstream, I just accept the flow, relinquish control, stop resisting, and enjoy being a part of the flow.

So, I play this game called Ingress (it's a geocaching game, an always-

It's been almost a month, I know.  A little birdie reminded me that I'm due for a blog post and that I tend to go radio silent when stressed or overwhelmed or inundated.

I could rehash everything that's been going on and that's ongoing but I'm exasperated with it all.  The endorphin levels of a constant fight-or-flight means I don't get to spend that time and energy taking care of myself, looking forward to new adventures, or even focusing on what I want versus what must be taken care of.

In other words, sometimes when you're underwater all you think about is keeping your head above water and not what it's like on the shore.  I'm getting to the point where I can stop struggling (a large part of that has to do with being in my new apartment), but I'm not quite to the shore.

my nephew, AV

Okay... let me rephrase...

I eventually get around to being strong and resilient, but I either whine a bunch or have to psych myself up to doing it.

For instance, I'm afraid of needles.  They say that most people who are afraid of needles aren't actually afraid of the pain/gross factor, but that they had a bad experience in the past.  Well, that'd be true in my case:  When was young, I had an ingrown toenail that needed to be dealt with.  The doctor injected Novocaine through a very thick callous on my toe and the medication didn't work.  My phobia is so bad that I get dental fillings without Novocaine.

scared primate face

Getting my epidurals (2 for my back, 1 for my neck) were a HUGE deal for me.  My needlephobia manifested in vasovagal responses (I started to faint) each time. During the epidural procedure for my neck, the doctor actually wanted to halt and reschedule the procedure. I very clearly remember telling him something like "I didn't put on my big girl panties for nothing.  We're doing this."

So... back in February, I fell in the shower (I think it was more that I pinched a nerve and lost feeling in my legs).  In May, I went to the ER because I was in excruciating pain (again, while in the shower... I need a bathtub...) and the attending doc at the ER was a dillhole to me.  When I met up with my orthopedic doctor I left with a prescription for a discogram.  Sadly, this is not like a candygram:  It is not a message you send someone you love wherein an actor shows up your door in 70s garb, dances The Hustle, and hands you a bouquet of flowers.

I've procrastinated in making the appointment. Part of the problem was finding someone that does them, the rest of the problem was that I looked up discograms on the internets.  You guessed it -- MORE NEEDLES! But, I bit the bullet and called the neurosurgeon's office today.  It needs to be done.

I've grown too comfortable with saying that I can't do much because I'm injured.

So I'm gonna take a page from Roni and Carla and get my #wycwyc on.  A large part of my What-You-Can/When-You-Can has been walking with Ingress (a real-time, worldwide game of capture the flag -- Join the Resistance! I'm @YoursBluely -- and have walked 1025km since December!).  But there's more that I can do.  I need to get my diet back on point (okay, how many times have I said that?).  I need to use my pool (okay, it's not big, but I can walk laps in it).  I need to do my yearly physicals.

I need to put my big girl underroos on every day.

I remember my first Fitbloggin as if it was yesterday.  I also remember how much I cried from start (meeting Carver as I got out of the cab) to finish (having to say goodbye to everyone).

I managed to survive Fitbloggin 2014 without shedding too many tears, that is until I met 1972 Olympian Jeff Galloway.  Now keep in mind, as someone that doesn't really run, I had no idea who Jeff was until about 5 minutes before he walked in the room.  But after a quick Wikipedia search, I realized he was just the man I needed to talk to.

He came to Fitbloggin as a part of the Run Disney sponsorship of the conference.  Before our 1 mi walk/5k/10k, he talked about how we, as bloggers, are able to change lives and inspire greatness in others.  He talked about how exercise adds life and vitality to our years.  He talked about how fitness is a family value.

I walked the first half of the 5k ((**waves to walking group!**)) and then somewhere around the midpoint, after being in my head for a while, something in my mind decided that despite the pain I was in (urgh my back!), that I couldn't miss the opportunity to speak with Jeff Galloway (who ran the 10k, I think).  I began to jog for the first time since February.

First of all -- he's the NICEST person, EVER.  He took the time to chat with everyone who wanted his time.  Not only that, he was interested in what they were doing in their lives, in their families, in their communities. Yet, despite being the nicest person, he's the only person to make me flat-out cry at Fitbloggin 2014.

How?  I told him how what he said about being able to change lives really struck me, but that it's all for nothing if we can't help to inspire and change the lives of the people we love the most.  Then he asked me who I loved the most.  And I started bawling.  Through the tears I asked if he would speak to the person that I love the most -- the person that I want to live a long and healthy life, the person that I worry the most about:   my dad.


Dad:  I'm not trying to embarrass you, or call you out.  I just want you to try.  I just want you to live a long and healthy life. I want you to want that as well.  And I hope you know that you have my full support.  And if I know my readers the way I think I do, I think you'll find they will support you too.  Dad, give me a reason to show you that I'm your biggest fan and cheerleader.

I'm just going to put this out there:  I brought doughnuts to Fitbloggin (fitness conference).  I traveled many miles to taste their deliciousness and I refuse to feel guilty about this... and I kinda also refuse to share.



So the title of my blog tonight is a play on the R.E.M. song "Everybody Hurts."  A bunch of us went on a a "Haunted Savannah" tour this evening in these beauties:


Joking aside, if you've read my blog for any amount of time, you know that a common theme that I write about is that "everyone suffers."  It's a Buddhist principle that can be applied all around.

Even though I was terribly overwhelmed by the welcome mixer (the sound was loud and I've been alone in my head for the past few days), I was particularly attuned to the number of people who not just felt overwhelmed, but also out of place.  Many people felt that not only were they introverts but that they were also newbies.  Two whammies that are hard to overcome at a conference where so many of us already know each other.

If that was you, I just want you to know that we've all felt that at some point -- that we don't belong, that we don't deserve to be our friends, that we've fallen from grace or that we're no longer to be counted among the peers.  Many of us have felt vulnerable and scared because when we arrive at Fitbloggin, we're not an improvement on the last time people have seen us, and worse, we may be a disappointment.  But among all the gut-wrenching horrible feelings, is the one where we feel like we're invisible, our voice doesn't matter, or that we're in the way.  That's not the case.  Everyone who takes the initiative to show up belongs here.  And it doesn't matter what happened yesterday or the day before.  You're here now.  You are ONE OF US.  And you better get in on the group hug.

Another thing that reminded me of the theme that "everyone hurts" is an email that I got from my landlord today.  He says:   "I wish you would understand how sick I am and how hard this is on me.  You named my only baby left, Leo and I don't want this to be ugly." 

I abhor that he's playing on my sympathies... as if I didn't lose Spike in February... as if I wasn't in the hospital recently because of my back.   He could have used his experience of his own suffering to bring about compassion and say "hey, sorry the fridge is broken.  I know you don't need that stressor right now."  Instead he said "Please plan to vacate by June 15th and you will never have to deal with the noisy compressor again.  You are welcome to leave on the 1st of June (or tomorrow) if you feel the is not lived up to my responsibilities."
 
 I can't engage emotionally with this.  Yes, everyone hurts sometimes and we use our own knowledge of suffering to bring about compassion.... but sometimes we use our own suffering to assert our limits and say "No more." 

This is a recurring theme.

Every time Fitbloggin rolls around a little voice inside my head says "don't go, you don't belong there."

And because I haven't been able to go to the gym (because of my back), because I have been stress eating (have I mentioned that my landlord has been trying to evict me for no effing good reason (because I asked for the fridge to be fixed is not a good reason) since May, and that I've recently moved?), I'm giving that little voice more weight than it actually deserves.

Lucky for me, I have very wise friends that have pointed out one of the best things about Fitbloggin -- it's not a fitness competition, it's not a competition to see who is the bloggiest of bloggers who have ever bloggingly blogged and who can get the most sponsorship.  It's a place where we recharge our batteries.  It's where we go to get our head right.  In other words, if you feel like you don't belong there, it's when you need to be there the most.

My hope is that by the time I get to Savannah, I'll realize that I'm not a guest; this is a homecoming.

Try as I may, try as I might, I can't hide my love for my spine orthopedist, Dr. Joseph O'Brien.  So, well... I just gave up trying....and this is why: 

I had my post-hospital follow-up with Dr. O'Brien today.  Just walking to my appointment, I could feel my anxiety levels rising.  This was going to be one of those appointments where I'd have to ask the hard questions and be ready for the even-harder answers.  For most of my injury I've been trying to stay in the moment, and not get too ahead of myself, but when I was incapacitated by pain at the bottom of my shower, I could only think (1) how the fuck am I going to get out of here and (2) is this what I have to look forward to the rest of my life? 

"How are you feeling? Any better?"  I'm moving pretty well as compared to how I was a few Sundays ago but still not great. But there's what my body feels, and then there's what's going on in my head and heart. 

I thanked him for intervening at the ER.  He understood why I was upset over how I was treated (by a know-it-all ER doc that wanted to shove pain killers at me).  That alone made me feel so much better -- that I wasn't being irrational for wanting the orthopedist resident on call to consult.  

Then he asked "So what's been going on?" That's when I was just overcome by the emotions of chronic injury and the tears started their slow drip.  I told him that I was trying to do well by avoiding the big ticket things (like giving up softball, and being cautiously fearful re boxing) but that what felled me was my everyday life...bathing myself.  This is not the life that I want to be living -- where I'm immobilized by fear as well as the actual pain. 

We looked at the MRIs that they took at the hospital as well as the x-ray they took today.  And well I have another few medical terms that I need to look up (for some background, read here:  "A Mile In Her Shoes"): 


1.  Magenta arrows:  known issue of bulging discs at L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1.  Diagnosed in 2007. 

2.  Cyan arrow:  known issue of annular tears, but annular tear at L4-5 showed changes from prior MRIs. 

3.  Yellow arrow:  new issue.  "modic change" (a pathological change in the vertebral body (see here and here for medical jargon)). 

4.  Also yellow arrow:  retrolisthesis per the radiology report ("a posterior displacement of one vertebral body with respect to the adjacent vertebrae to a degree less than a luxation (dislocation)").



Dr. O'Brien is sending me to a colleague to get a discogram to determine which disc is causing pain/numbness. It sounds like a super amount of fun where they inject a contrast dye into each disc and see what happens.  Thankfully this can be done while sedated -- cause I'm not the best with needles. 

I'm a bit overwhelmed by all of this because the path forward isn't clear. I'm really stressed by all that's going on in my life and just wish my body would get with the program.  That being said, I'm confident that Dr. O'Brien has my back. We're going to take this one step at a time and come up with a plan. 

In the meantime, I just want to thank everyone that has messaged me with words of support, or that send me things to lift my spirits.  Chronic pain and depression are common bedfellows because often people can't ever imagine a day when they're not in pain.  Imagine living that life. Imagine the cloud that hangs over any hopes for your future.  Yah.  This is why I watch the Monterrey Bay Aquarium's OtterCam -- they make me forget for a few seconds.