Viscious Cycle

Disclaimer #1:  I try not to talk about the specifics of my job (nor will I here, so please don't ask what I do or where I work).  I might bitch a bit in this entry, but please know that I'm very thankful (1) to have a job/benefits and (2) to work with people I truly adore.

Disclaimer #2:  I'm not perfect.  That's okay.

The easiest way to describe what's been going on with me is with numbers:

Hours @ Work
June 8
June 9
June 10
June 14
June 15
June 17

As you can see, I've worked a fair number of OT hours (nothing compared to when I first started working here) and it has caused its fair share of disruption in my life.  The main reason I want to draw the correlation here is that because I was working OT, I was sitting on my butt for longer than usual per day.  I normally average much higher step counts per day (March=16,000; April= 11,000; May=13,000 steps a day).  I also had to bow out of playing in 3 softball games for 2 teams, and didn't get to my regular boxing classes.  

The other side of the past two weeks is that I was a mess around food.  I wasn't making great choices, I wasn't eating mindfully and in a relaxed manner.  It was wolfing things down (even if it was a salad) at my desk.  There was no intention or attention attached to eating. Oh, and the pizza. Ugh, the pizza.  No meal (not even a snack) should be over in 5 minutes.

Work long hours, eat badly, don't sleep well, (shower that doesn't wake you up), work long hours, eat worse, sleep worse.  Rinse, repeat.  My stress level was up, my emotions were running high, there was little activity, and top it all off I was PMSing (not to mention my twitter was unattended and my Google Reader exploded).  I felt vulnerable, exhausted, and like I could do nothing right (computers were out to get me). [[EDIT:  especially coming on the heels of realizing a guy misled me and treated me badly.]]

I realized things had come to a head after eating a whole box of Velveeta shells & cheese mixed with a pound of broccoli.  The broccoli could not undo the horrors that the Velveeta did to my stomach.  I immediately felt sick, out-of-control, and full of regret. I was living the very definition of emotional eating.

And so, tabula rasa:  I just need to clear the slate and start over. 
I know I'm not perfect.  I also know that it's not about being perfect.

How many people either don't even try to change their lives because they feel an enormous amount of pressure to be perfect?  How many people give up at the first chance of adversity?

So yeah, that's me:  your hopeful BodyMedia Fit Spokesbody--flawed, imperfect, human. 


[[EDIT:  Also, the one thing I know about me is that this is not the time to get on a scale to see the damage I've done, or what I need to undo.  It's the behaviors and attitude that are the problem regardless of what a scale says.  I could have even maintained my weight for all I know (I had my fair share of skipped meals the past 2 weeks as well).  The scale is a tool, not a compass.  My heart and mind are the compass and I already know they're askew.  If I fix my heart and mind, everything else will snap into place.]]


I can completely relate to your post here. The more I work, the less I workout, and I end up in that same cycle. Tired > Depressed > Emotional Eating REPEAT.

You said it best though - you are aware it happened, and you're cleaning the slate. It's Monday - time for a clean start.


You know you're trying to make a positive change in your life when you're emotionally/not mindfully eating a salad. In a past life it would have been super fattening.


All I will say is that there's a lesson in a whole box of Velveeta shells and cheese mixed with a pound of broccoli. It's all progress my dear...


Ah - this is so familiar - my cycle to a tee.... I can basically lose ALL my hard practiced habits in 3 days. Period.
BUT - the good news is I'm LONG over trying to be perfect (I think I've got a couple of decades more experience than you - ha!) and THAT is a gift.
Today I laugh at my humanness. It's so endearing actually. And so is yours :)
Minute by minutes - work, stress and fatigue are BIG hurdles - but when I remember to take mini breaks (mental and physical), I "cope" a bit better. Hugs!


I can relate to this post. I used to deny that I had a perfectionist streak. How could I be a perfectionist when my life was in such a mess?

I also love how you said it's the attitude and behaviours you want to focus on and not the scale. Neither can change when you only look at one.


you said TABULA RASA.
I lovelovelove those 2 words.
People always give me blank (rimshot!) stares :)


Karen -- I think the lesson was about indigestion and gas. Or also that whatever I put on my plate wasn't going to fix what was going on in my life.

Kris -- I think the past two weeks was also a practice in figuring out my definition of "failure." I think in the past I'd be quick to say that I failed, but I don't think I did. I recognized what I was going through as I was going through it. Though I didn't prevail in stopping the bad behavior, it doesn't mean I failed. I think that the struggle makes us (as people, as bloggers) relatable. Stories about triumph aren't moving unless there's adversity to overcome, right?

Sassy -- I think some perfectionists have blinders. They hyperfocus on the perfection in one aspect of their life and extrapolate it to the rest of their life. But that's isn't the way we should look at things. We're a whole picture, we're a whole person. And we're not going to be the best at everything we do. And that's okay. Right?

Carla -- two very powerful words, right? You and those puns... my goodness.


I've been there and my heart goes out to you.


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<3 Robby