FatGirl vs World

Every spring, the same thing happens.  Year after year, without fail, women's magazines start spouting diet and exercise advice to transform your winter/spring body into a body that is worthy of donning a 2-piece bathing suit.

Translation:  In order for you to feel good about being in a bikini, you most lose weight/inches BEFORE you even think about putting the bikini on.

I resent this because I firmly believe having a positive body image is a mental process, not a physical one.  People can be body-confident and bikini ready regardless of their size.  (Maybe I'm saying this because I posted a picture of myself in a bikini on the internets only when I was sure that nothing anyone said would bring me down.)  Besides, there are just as many larger people that feel sexy and confident in a two piece as there are thin people that hyper-critical (See Brazil).

So of course I tweeted a one-liner about being pissed off about this (my anger toward magazines should be nothing new to anyone who reads my blog):


 And of course that snowballed into a conversation and then the usual being misconstrued.

While I understand what @monikawoolsey was trying to say about drawing more attention to the obsession not helping people be less obsessed, I disagree firmly.  There is no counterbalance if no one (either professionals in the health/fitness community or consumers themselves) speaks up and says "Health and wellness (mental and physical) comes in all sizes and shapes.  No one body shape owns the bikini."

As for being misconstrued, if you read the link you'll see that she calls me "a woman who advocates for size acceptance."  Okay, that's far from slander, but it's terribly inaccurate.  NAAFA I am not. 


Where the size acceptance community and I diverge in opinion revolves around the issue of health.  I don't think someone who is obese or morbidly obese (overweight is a different story) is in their right mind if/when they claim to be healthy (i.e. without their weight impacting their health).   I'm not saying one needs to be able to run a marathon in order to be considered healthy, but I'd venture to say there are certain co-morbidity factors that would suggest being excessively overweight is in the "to be avoided" category.

So yeah... doot da do.... if you've done the work to feel good about yourself physically and mentally, why should anyone or anything tell you that it is not enough (whether you're at the finish line or in progress)?  Why should the world's opinion of your physical/mental wellness out-rank your own?  If you feel confident in a bikini, then wear a fucking bikini.  Own it! Strut down the beach in the bikini.  Gracefully float in that bikini.  So what if the world (or magazines, or other people) doesn't think you're worthy of donning the itty-bitty-teenie-weenie yellow polka-dots?   The world can shove it.

this is what freedom looks like

BTW, June's #GoTheDist has nothing to do with size acceptance.  I'm not asking anyone to look at themselves and think "I'm obese, the world should be okay with that."  I'm asking people to look at themselves and be able to think "I'm imperfect, it's okay.  I'm still loveable."  It's a tough challenge for people at every size and shape to be able to look at themselves naked and NOT critique themselves.  The challenge is to look in the mirror and find things to love.

I think Sheryl says it best (as she often does):

You may not be able to change certain aspects of your physical self, but you *can* change the way you think about them and accept them, at least eventually.  But just like everything else, you will only get there if you begin to work on making that change.  And just like everything else - you can do it, you can make that change.  If you believe you can.  So believe.  And do it!  Your body is amazing and you need to see that - even if you don't see it in the mirror.  Yet.

I've often said that "no one gets fat because they are blissfully happy" -- well I want to test that theory:

Disclaimer #1:  I try not to talk about the specifics of my job (nor will I here, so please don't ask what I do or where I work).  I might bitch a bit in this entry, but please know that I'm very thankful (1) to have a job/benefits and (2) to work with people I truly adore.

Disclaimer #2:  I'm not perfect.  That's okay.

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The easiest way to describe what's been going on with me is with numbers:


As you can see, I've worked a fair number of OT hours (nothing compared to when I first started working here) and it has caused its fair share of disruption in my life.  The main reason I want to draw the correlation here is that because I was working OT, I was sitting on my butt for longer than usual per day.  I normally average much higher step counts per day (March=16,000; April= 11,000; May=13,000 steps a day).  I also had to bow out of playing in 3 softball games for 2 teams, and didn't get to my regular boxing classes.  

The other side of the past two weeks is that I was a mess around food.  I wasn't making great choices, I wasn't eating mindfully and in a relaxed manner.  It was wolfing things down (even if it was a salad) at my desk.  There was no intention or attention attached to eating. Oh, and the pizza. Ugh, the pizza.  No meal (not even a snack) should be over in 5 minutes.

Work long hours, eat badly, don't sleep well, (shower that doesn't wake you up), work long hours, eat worse, sleep worse.  Rinse, repeat.  My stress level was up, my emotions were running high, there was little activity, and top it all off I was PMSing (not to mention my twitter was unattended and my Google Reader exploded).  I felt vulnerable, exhausted, and like I could do nothing right (computers were out to get me). [[EDIT:  especially coming on the heels of realizing a guy misled me and treated me badly.]]

I realized things had come to a head after eating a whole box of Velveeta shells & cheese mixed with a pound of broccoli.  The broccoli could not undo the horrors that the Velveeta did to my stomach.  I immediately felt sick, out-of-control, and full of regret. I was living the very definition of emotional eating.

And so, tabula rasa:  I just need to clear the slate and start over. 
I know I'm not perfect.  I also know that it's not about being perfect.

How many people either don't even try to change their lives because they feel an enormous amount of pressure to be perfect?  How many people give up at the first chance of adversity?

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So yeah, that's me:  your hopeful BodyMedia Fit Spokesbody--flawed, imperfect, human. 

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I was about to post how I failed the June #GoTheDist challenge of being able look at myself in the mirror with lovingkindess. 

I spent a good 20 minutes in the mirror scanning my skin, picking at it, and plucking stray hairs on my chin/neck and eyebrows.... and even on my leg. 
It was beyond normal grooming. I am stressed out about the day to come, and this is how my anxiety decided to show itself.

I was like "oh man, today started off a failure."
But you know what... I'm going to refuse to let it be that way.

Who ever said I get one stab at this per day?
No one.

And the towel comes off.... Take two.
**deep breath**

just keep swimming... one second at a time..... one minute at a time.... one hour at a time.... one day at a time...

(I also want to give another big shout out to @KCLAnderson -- who is my hero for posting about this in her blog.  Cutters get all the fame (movies like Secretary, Girl Interrupted, etc.) but there are lots of skin pickers out there and no one advocating for them, or telling them that it's more common than they think.  While we may feel marginalized and a bit freaky for this stupid habit/anxiety disorder, we're not alone.)

My apologies for the interruption of the past two entries--my personal life reared its ugly head and I needed (1) an outlet to vent and (2) to be in a safe place/among friends.  It's really hard for me when someone calls me (or something that I have done) mean.  In this instance it was an act of self-preservation that was unfairly judged as mean after months of suffering. I know I'm no saint, but I also know when I'm being treated unfairly.  I'm a good and kind person (far from the heinous bitch I used to be) that didn't deserve to be mistreated. 

I turned to my favorite little book, "The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace,"by Jack Kornfield for some direction, and found it in this quote:

Forgiveness does not forget, nor does it condone the past.  Forgiveness sees wisely.  It willingly acknowledges what is unjust, harmful, and wrong.  It bravely recognizes the sufferings of the past, and understands the conditions that brought them about.  There is a strength to forgiveness.  When we can forgive we can also say, "Never again will I allow these things to happen."  We may resolve to never again permit such harm come to ourselves or another.

So in the end I had to have compassion and forgiveness not only for the person that hurt me, but for myself for allowing my walls to come down and to let someone else close enough to do the damage.  But a line was crossed and I could no longer let such harm come to myself.  Like I alluded to in the previous post, I was bending too much to accommodate him, and in doing so I lost my own structural integrity.  He hurt me in two ways -- directly by his (in)actions and misrepresentations, and indirectly by pulling me so off-center and away from myself that my natural instincts weren't alerted to the harm being done until it was too late.

Am I mad at him?  Yes and no.  But any anger is really overshadowed by a sense of compassion (bordering on unhealthy pity, as pity comes with judgment and I try not to be judgmental).  How broken does a person have to be to hurt someone who is kind and gentle?  How lacking in self-awareness must one be to realize that their (in)actions are causing actual pain to another person, especially when that other person is quite adept at putting words to it?


Remember I asked the "Intuitive Eating/Ditch the Diet" panel how they find their way back to themselves after emotional eating/a binge? 

Karen Anderson (@KCLAanderson)'s email to me explaining her mirror process was the loving advice I needed to hear after feeling like I had lost myself for the benefit of another person.  With her blessing (I hope), I'm going to share her process with you here:

KCLAnderson’s Self Love Exercise™:

You can do this full clothed, naked, or somewhere in between. 
The goal is to be able to do it naked.

Stand with your back to the mirror.  Take some deep belly breaths.  Think about something that makes you feel all googly inside.  A baby?  A kitten or puppy?  Your significant other?  Someone else’s SO?  You know the feeling.  That melty-heart feeling that actually becomes physical.  Get that feeling going.  It should feel like your chest is expanding with warmth and goodness . . . an actual physical feeling.

Then turn around with your eyes closed.  Soften your eyes.  Take a few deep belly breaths.  Check your posture?  Are you tense?  Are your shoulders up around your ears?  Unlock yourself.  Relax.  Take some more deep breaths.  Open your eyes and keep them soft.  Look at yourself in the mirror with soft eyes and turn that warm googly, melty heart feeling in to yourself.  [Stay with that feeling, and in that loving gaze, as long as you can.]

:-)

This takes practice (intention and repetition) as well as patience (knowing you won't be perfect every time).  To be able to look at yourself and see what is whole and beautiful (and not what is broken or imperfect) takes time, an abundance of love, and as much forgiveness as you can muster.  In my case, it has taken time to see past the (emotional/mental, and physical) scars, but beyond that there is a person and a body that is strong and has survived worse storms than a boy.

Shakespeare's Sonnet 116:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

In other words...

• When love is right, you don't need to change the other person, and you do not need to change yourself (you may have to compromise, but there's no renovation project going on)
• When love is right, it can weather rough patches (as my boss says about marriage, "there are good years and bad years"), you can set your clocks to it (it's dependable and constant), and always find your way back to love.
• When love is right you can tell by its timeless quality of remaining unchanged over time (and said love can even evolve and deepen).

But when it's not right....

• You struggle and suffer to make things work.
• There are only rough patches, it is unpredictable and not dependable, and you often lose sight of the chance of love.
• You feel like you are working against a clock or a timeline.

But isn't that a great lesson from The Bard? 

And to put it in the context of the lovingkindness dialogue I'm working with in my blog -- if you have to change yourself to accomodate another person, is that kind to who you are and what you need?

In 1990, the U.S. passed a law (Nutrition Labeling and Education Act of 1990) requiring most companies to list their nutrient and ingredient information on their packaged goods as well as limiting the claims a company could make on said packaging ("low in sugar!" "high in fiber!" "will make you live a bazillion years longer!").  Food companies had a little over three years to get their shit straight before this law went into effect in 1993.

Before this, there were many books and resources that would list some of the major nutrients of some processed (and unprocessed) foods, i.e., the T-Factor Calorie Counting book.  It told you the basics (calories, fat, carbohydrates/sugars, protein, salt) about the average baked potato all the way up to a Whopper with cheese.  (Opinions about food/diet has changed so much over the past 18 years, hasn't it?)

And before that, people didn't care what was in their packaged foods, because pre-packaged industrialized food hadn't been invented yet.  Beef came in cow packaging; tomato sauce came in tomato packaging.  Any packaging was done in the kitchen (salting, canning, pickling, etc.). Before labeling, one had to rely on a mix of experience, instinct, and social learning to know what foods were good for you and which were not (and it was just a best guess).  This was also the golden era before "dieting."  It was either you had food or you didn't.  (Notice how the diet industry evolved concurrently with the industrialization with food?)


All too often men put forth a(n initial) good showing that they are kind, generous, loyal, honorable (the front of the box health claims) and then as time goes by you see what they really are (the nutrition label showing all sorts of weird petrochemicals, preservatives, and filler).

But unlike that which guides our nutrition choices, men have no labels.  We have to go on faith that what men tell and show us is an accurate representation of who they are at their core.  We take a risk (emotionally, mentally, sexually, etc.) when we get involved with a man.  Sometimes it is a healthy risk, and sometimes it is a very unhealthy risk (but that's something we only find out in retrospect).

Most of us would never go near the guy that was going to break our heart if, from the onset, we knew he was capable of it.  They lead with tenderness and care when really they are only looking out for themselves.  Their communicativeness is a carefully executed ruse to win trust and lose undies.  The effort they expend is proportionate to what they think they can get in return, instead of giving freely from their heart (a/k/a generosity).

I believe that books like The Game and people like Tom Leykis, and even the sexual revolution have screwed the single woman that wants to be in a monogamous relationship with a decent man.  Basically if you're a guy and you don't want to be in a relationship, you don't have to be because somewhere there's a woman willing to just have casual sex with you.

As an anthropologist (I studied biological/forensic anthropology in college), I can understand the biological impetus for men to want to have lots of sex with many women (and a woman's desire to nest with one partner), but since the dawn of civilization society has set the rules/boundaries/parameters of such interaction.  Recently society has lost its mind.  Whereas in the past a guy actually had to be honorable and do right by the woman, the bar is currently set quite low.  If a woman has any kind of standards or expectations, she's seen as demanding or is accused of acting entitled. A guy calling on the third day is considered responsive.

Fuck yeah I feel that a guy should (ahem) call me, maybe take me out in public (*gasps*), or introduce me to his friends (outrageous!) if he would like to see me without my clothing on.  Is that such a radical idea?  Apparently it is. 

All too often when we experience the jerks, we don't recognize it at first.  We see a challenge, or feel that we need to jump up and down, waving our arms in the air in order to be recognized.  Furthermore, women are now taking on the roles of the prince slaying the dragon.  We go above and beyond to prove our worthiness to a guy.  It's so effing backwards.  I think if a woman finds herself walking through fire for a guy, it's the wrong guy.  No man with a spine, sense of self-worth, or cajones would let a woman assume all the risk and face the fire.  That's just basic decency that your mom and dad (should have) taught you.

Imagine if in addition to a nutrition label, the very worst of the worst (the men who make other men look bad) had to have a warning label slapped on them? What if the warning label said "This guy will cheat on you, give you STDs, impregnate you, and embezzle money." You'd avoid him like the plague, right?

But I wouldn't be writing this post if that's the way the world always worked, now would I?  The truth still remains that there are men out there that abuse and misuse women.  There are men that are like wrecking balls in a woman's life -- completely oblivious or not caring to the damage they cause.

It's hard to practice lovingkindness and forgiveness to yourself when you feel like you've been duped.  But I ask you this -- in these situations, did you act accordingly to who you want to be/how you want to be perceived?  Were you trusting?  Honest?  Selfless?  Kind?  Considerate?  Compassionate?  How dare you let someone make you feel like you are bad/wrong for being all of these good things.  Shame on them for taking advantage of you .  Be resilient, if possible, and remain all of those positive attributes.  The right person is out there and you don't want to scare him away by being a jaded princess walled up in an emotional fortress.

So yes, I'm talking to myself here.  There are a few of my inner circle who know what has been going on in my life (and no, no pregnancy or embezzlement).  It's utterly disheartening to meet someone that you could see having a future with and then having it be a complete mirage/one-sided love affair.  I'm exhausted from trying. I'm exasperated from trying to explain things to him in a way that he would understand that he was responsible for causing me pain (I still don't know if he understands -- in my mind if you caused someone pain, writing "I'm sorry" in an IM is not enough).

But I am glad that I stood up for myself (albeit it five months late).  So many people keep on telling me that I need to love myself before trying to get in a relationship.  If you knew me, you'd know how absolutely silly this is to say to me.  I love myself beyond compare.  I think I'm beautiful, brilliant, witty, sexy, and so much more.  Wanting to be in a relationship is not about me trying to supplement myself or be rescued.  Part of loving myself so much is knowing exactly who I am and what I need to be happy.  I am my happiest when I am able to love someone worthy of my love.  I know the quality, depth, and strength of that love and devotion.

If a man doesn't think he's worthy of my love, or unable to handle it, he needs to have enough self-awareness to figure it out and then admit it to himself.  No equivocation.  No wasting my time.  I had actively decided to not have sex with anyone until I found that capable man.  I thought I had, and boy was I wrong.  And while I regret that he was either duplicitous or had the emotional maturity of a gnat, I know my heart and mind were at engaged long before my body.

To quote Gigi from the movie "He's just not that into you" (I know, I know, not a cinematic great, but it had a few great quotes in it...):

I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there too much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.

The odd thing is that I feel compassion (bordering on pity) for him.  Who passes up the chance to be genuinely loved so easily?

*If you want to bitch and complain about women, feel free to do that in your own blog.  And yes, I'm lumping all men together.  I know fully well that there are good guys out there, but until I meet one that wants to be with me and treat me well, these are the kinds of  guys I have to either deal with or be wary of.

**Also, please no specific man bashing in the comments.  I can appreciate that you want to be supportive/protective, but that won't help me feel better and/or move on.

Vena/@Phatterri is one of #GoTheDist's longest running participants.  (hahaha.... I'm funny. Get it? Longest running?)

If you want a great example of how to work #GoTheDist, just look to her -- as she is very consistent about posting her mileage as well as supporting everyone else as they reach their goals.  It's utterly inspiring to see how one simple idea, that success is measured in more than just pounds lost can not only unite a community, but help people change their lives, one mile at a time. 

Can you believe she's the mother of three grown children?  What a hottie! 

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After a strong finish in the April challenge I decided to go for it in May and increase my run and biking miles to a new high. I felt stronger then I had in a long time and knew that I could meet these goals with no problem, but it was not to be.

Around that second week I started noticing something was off and in my usual fashion I tried to brush it off and keep going. Along with the challenge goals, I have been training for a duathlon set for the end of June. The more I ran and trained the more exhausted I felt. On the 13th I was scheduled to run a 5k and an old knee injury reared it’s ugly head at mile one. I ended up doing run/walk intervals and still managed to complete the race with around a little more than 12 minute pace.

Between the knee and my exhaustion I knew a doctor’s visit was necessary. The doctor told me needed to have my meds adjusted and take a week off of EVERYTHING. OMG that was a tough week. I kept thinking about losing mileage. It was also really hard to watch my training buddies move forward with training and having to modify my workouts to take it easy. What? They said no workout, well I didn't run. Bad patient.

After a week I got clearance from my doctor to run and train again. I had to cut my mileage by half and slow down. This actually wasn't so bad I had gotten to the point where I couldn't run for more than half a mile without gasping for breath. With the slower pace I've gone as far as 4.5 miles without a break. That's awesome.

This month showed me that is not all about the numbers. I need to take better care of myself and reach out for help at the first sign that something feels wrong. By the end of the month I only got to 70% of my goal but you know what that's okay. Onward & Upwards!