FatGirl vs World

In no particular order (and in list format, as you know I love lists):

1.  A big shout out to my family that reads my blog.  I'm glad you like it.  I'm tickled you think I'm funny.  And though I'm in DC, I'm glad it can be a way to stay close.  I am really starting to feel that 200+ miles is way too far from all of you.  I think as I grow older and more confident in who I am, the more I want my family to be a part of my identity. Cousins, second cousins, once removed, aunts, uncles, father, brother, friends that feel like family.... man I'm one lucky girl to have this many people love me.  I just hope one day I'm able to adequately and genuinely show my love for each and every one of you in a way that truly expresses just how appreciative I am to have you in my life.

2.  I'm just getting back from a week+ of vacation.  I am so behind on reading all of your blogs. I'm so sorry.   I'm trying to at least skim them so I know if anyone is in crisis or has milestones to celebrate.

3.  It's also been two weeks out of the gym (b/c of my back), sporadically food logging, and not eating according to my plan.  I have 69 days until the wedding.  I think I can manage to lose 20 lbs by then if I buckle down.

4.  Again, another thank you to all the people (my IRL friends, my family, my twitter & blogspot friends) who let me feel a bit broken and emotional.  My date asked me why it's been so long since I've been in a relationship, and I cobbled some sort of explanation together that seemed not too pathetic (i.e. not meeting the right people, socializing with coworkers and not wanting to mix business and pleasure, etc.) but that wasn't the reason at all.  I know what it's like to love someone and lose them.  I barely survived losing my mother.  I can't ever imagine loving someone romantically, knowing that at any turn I could lose that love (by choice or by circumstance).  I don't really know how to put it any other way than that.  Loving someone scares the bejeebus out of me.  And the reason why this rejection hurt more than others (as I'm rather experienced in being rejected) is because I could see past losing him--I could see days filled with him.  By his touching my knee, by meeting my gaze, by running his fingers through my hair, I thought he wanted to at least have a second date and take a chance on me.

5.  And that made me realize that I am not following my own advice.  In times like this, sometimes it's best to focus on loving yourself when your heart is feeling all stomped on. Focus on the task at hand. Focus on the people who take away your fears.

6. I won't weigh myself this week -- but I will next Sunday, per Emily's advice.  I'm hitting the reset button and going balls to the wall.

Sorry about the vague post.  Thank you for all of the crossed fingers -- but it turns out that the happy thoughts were unsuccessful for the intention requested.  But having so much love ended up being exactly what I needed.  I shall explain... 

So I was in NYC for a week on vacation. I decided while I was there, I'd switch my OKCupid.com profile to reflect the Zip code I was in.  Right off the bat, a bunch of interesting guys started to chat me up.

On Sunday, I ended up talking to one guy for two hours.
I decided to ask him if he wanted to meet -- fruitless as it might be because he lived in NYC and I live in DC (but have ties up the wazoo to the NYC/LI area).  He didn't hesitate in agreeing.

Well lemme tell you. OMG I've never felt such chemistry with someone right off the bat like that. When he smiled, my heart melted.  On paper we match so well and I thought we had a great date. And yes, even some amazing kissing (I'm very particular in how I like to kiss -- no slobbering, no tongue jousting contests). I even asked him if he felt the same chemistry in the air and he said yes.

After three days of absolute fretting (if you know me on Twitter, you saw my uncool come out) he emails me that he can't see a future with me.

I'm absolutely baffled.  That day I had to drive out to Long Island to visit my mom's side of the family.  The whole way out I'm crying while I'm driving, and doing the classic "What did I do wrong?!?" thing. I even stopped in a parking lot of a grocery store to reply to the email (which I should not have done.... "I appreciate your honesty and your courtesy. Not gonna lie, I am kinda sad that you can't see at least getting to know each other better. I don't need a future... just a second chance even if it is just as friends.")

I hate that for no matter how much bravado I may or may not have at any given moment, that something like that could totally suck the wind out of me.  That someone could do that. That it wasn't up to me.

There are things I may or may not have done wrong (like the 3rd and 4th glass of wine on a pretty empty stomach) but the ultimate thing I really need to focus on is that nothing is wrong with me, intrinsically speaking.  I am perfectly lovely, and perfectly lovable just the way I am (impatient as I am).

I'm very lucky to have had two of my very best girlfriends on hand to help keep my chin up.  So I cried on the LIE. I wasn't crying over him, per se.  I was upset for myself because I put my heart out there (which is hard for me to do) and still it didn't work out for whatever reason.  I'm very lucky to have been around both sides of my family today (in different locations) to remind me that while I may be single, I am far from alone.

Just keep your fingers crossed for me.
That's all I ask.

[And don't worry, I'm not going to die]

I'm not wearing my Body Media Fit.
I'm not food logging.
I've not been in a gym since August 11th.

I've not been on a scale since August 10th.

What does this all mean? 
Either I've been real off my game OR (and the way I'm choosing to interpret things) is that my vacation is also about not letting the numbers or the back pain define me.  I'm measuring this week entirely by enjoyment.  And well, there's been a lot of that.

Some business first:

I just want to start highlighting some blogs that I love reading -- not just a whole site, but particular entries -- that I think are helpful, funny, or identifiable as part of the weight loss process:

1.  Ms. Bitch Cakes writes about feeling satisfied about food and being comfortable with your hunger.

2. Jack Sh*t reminds us that there's always a way to find time to exercise.

3. We all have bad days.  KyotoCake writes about having the support to get you through those bad days until good days are on the horizon.

4. After resting on it, Rescuing Lisa finds a healthy way to deal with negative comments.

5. And last, but certainly not least, HalfofJess not only moves across country to start a new chapter in her life, but she does it ??lbs lighter.  You gotta read to find out!

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Before there was JayZ and Alicia Keys' "Empire State of Mind" there was Billy Joel, and "New York State of Mind."  Heck. If you're from NYC/Long Island, just about any Billy Joel song can remind you of home (okay, except for "River of Dreams"). 

And I'm definitely in a New York state of mind.  I'll be going up tomorrow and returning to DC on August 29th.  And yes, I count the number of days up there in the number of days I'll be away from my cats.  I love my woozles, oh yes I do.  Yep. Destined to be a weird cat lady. Oh well, guess I won't need this.

I'm attending a Mr. North concert, Bridal Shower #1, and a family party.  My dad's birthday is on Sunday as well, and I hope to visit some family and friends while I have a car at my disposal (I don't normally rent a car, but since I have to drive to middle-of-nowhere NJ for the bridal shower, I'll have a coche this time around).

I haven't been food logging or exercising lately.  I know I'm bad, but as you have all pointed out, my primary focus should be on healing my back.  That's not to say I'm behaving badly, but I'm just focusing on what's important.

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Ever notice the small and subtle shifts that your mind makes even when your body doesn't?  For my birthday I wanted to do something physical (kayaking) and on my birthday wish list on amazon.com I had requested a duplicate pair of my gym shoes (so I can keep one at home and one at work/gym) as well as workout videos and a new yoga mat (though I'm considering getting something a bit larger like this).

In list format:

1. I often say "I have a case of the stabbies" -- what does that mean? Well in reference to my uterus, the stabbies are either (a) a hemorrhagic ovarian cyst (b) painful cramps or (c) something else that feels like a large kitchen knife residing where it shouldn't be.

2. I've had a case of the stabbies for the past week (consisting of c then b stabbies)

3. My back is still hurting me.  (and I wouldnt' be able to make it through the day at work without my Nada Chair)

4. I've not been to the gym since August 11th, and my step count is around 6,000-8,000 painful, hunched-over steps a day.  And no, life doesn't stop just because I'm in pain. My #1 fear right now is that I won't be able to get back into the gym, that I'll regain the weight, and ultimately I will need to have surgery. That scares the bejeebus out of me. And I'm pretty fearless. Doctors can offer me 3 things: medications (I try not to use them); epidural steroids (make the rest of my body more prone to injury, causes weight gain); or surgery (could fail, could cause more injury to surrounding muscles, long effing recovery).

5. All this put together means that I'm in a funk, and feeling a bit (a) sorry for myself and (2) depressed.  Which means.... my diet has gone to shit.  Last night for dinner I had the Fiber One version of PopTarts. A serving is 1 pastry/190 calories (half a packet).  I had 4 pastries. For a grand total of 760 calories.  And I was well under my caloric target because I hadn't eaten much that day other than a bowl of oatmeal and a salad.

6. Why haven't I been eating?  When I have the stabbies, I am often nauseated.  Because I'm all vomity, I go between not wanting to eat for fear of vomiting and eating crap because it's (a) not long for my stomach or (b) it's the only thing I'm interested in.  ((and this vomity feeling makes grocery shopping impossible!))  Then there's also the fun of migraine headaches (barometric cause -- i.e. weather) that make me nauseated.  It sucks because other than these two things, I have pretty much an iron-clad gut.

7. The end result is that I don't dare go near a scale because I know that even if I've lost weight, I'd feel bad about it because it wasn't through proper nutrition and exercise, and if I've gained weight, I'd feel even worse because I'm all decrepit.

8. I also retreat into myself.  It's not that I actively push people away, it's just that I'm 75% hermit.  I have to force myself to be social sometimes.  I have friends/coworkers I normally talk to every day and I just haven't talked to them.  I kinda know the reason why but I don't really know how to say it.  Suffice it to say, I go home at night and crawl into bed and just hope this will all be over soon.

9. I never did find the hot, sexy man-tendants to either carry my litter around DC or to clean my apartment/do my chores.  Being single sucks when you're sick.  No one to kiss your forehead and tell you it'll all be okay.  Okay, there might be people to do that, but no one you believe.

There's a line in Lilo & Stitch where Stitch says "This is my family. It's little and broken, but still good."

That's kinda how I feel about my body -- broken but still good.  Or at least that's how I want to feel about my body. 

In June 2007, I attended a lecture called "Battling Back Pain" at The George Washington University Hospital given by Dr. Warren Yu.  I swear, I was the only one there under 60.  The most disturbing part was that at the time (at my very worst), I had so much in common with these older folks.  The majority of us all walked the same--leaning forward to alleviate the pressure on our compressed nerves (as we're all walking with grocery carts in front of us and we're leaning over it).  We all had the same fears of having back surgery (that it might not solve our problems, or worse, it might cause more/different problems).  We all had the same desire to be active in our lives.

I was so upset after attending this session not only because I had the back of a senior citizen, but that after months of being in pain, I was finally among a group of people who understood what it was like to be in that specific pain.  I didn't need to explain myself.

It is with great humility that I admit two things:

1. my mom had back issues too (the chiro said 3 herniated discs in her cervical spine and 3 in her lumbar spine), and as a child I just didn't understand why mom would spend hours in bed, couldn't do things like other moms or why she'd drink rum in the morning.  I understand now.  And more than understand, I can now empathize.
   
   
2. While I can sympathize, I can only venture a guess at how it feels to have more serious diseases (MS, CF, Crohn's, Fibromyalgia, cancer, lupus, etc.) that are similar in that they can't be completely healed, only managed.  (See Spoon Theory for a great read on what it's like to have a chronic illness.) 

You might not see me limping around all the time, but trust me, more often than not I'm in pain.  I might not have crutches. I might not be in a wheelchair.  I might not be wearing a back brace.  But trust me, I'm in pain.  I have come to realize that I have good days and I have bad days.  I try not to overdo it on the good days, so I don't incur more bad days.  My bad days have a range to them.  I explained it in a comment: 

1-10 pain spectrum; 1 being the least pain and 10 being the most pain

1-2 is pretty standard [0 would be no pain...]

3-4 will make me ease up on physical things [like going to the gym or playing sports]

5-6 means I'll use pain meds (valium [muscle relaxant] and vicodin [for pain]) because lying down hurts, as well as ice my back 5-6 times a day

7-8 is when it is hard for me to sit; also has me shuffling to the doctor to talk about (1) if I've done further injury (2) steroids (3) future treatment

9-10 has me laid up in bed, unable to move, mad at the world.

I spent 3 months at 7-10, and went to work 90% of the time (wasn't able to go during 9-10 days)

I can throw my back out doing simple things like washing dishes, shaving my legs, tying my shoe laces, getting out of bed, picking up a cat, etc.  The nerves that are compressed control a variety of other functions.  So if I sneeze, I have to be really careful (1) not to throw my back out and (2) not to pee all over myself.  And since we're being honest here -- or at least I'm being honest and am expecting you to return the trust -- I'm absolutely petrified of being in intimate situations and getting injured.  How mortifying is that and what man wants a broken woman? 

My point to all of this is that sometimes I come off as unsympathetic when friends pull a muscle, strain an ankle, break a nail, have to be on crutches, or sit out a ski season.  It's not that I don't feel bad for them.  I do. I know how much it sucks to have an imperfect body.  Trust me.  What people see as unsympathetic is me wishing that I had their injury and not my own.  I wish my injury had an end in sight, a heal-by date, a remedy.

It's amusing when you're in limbo and yet the thought of bending backwards is absolutely out of the question.

I'm having some fun lady bit issues. Usually the first day Dot arrives, my stomach is all out of whack.  I'm nauseated and hungry at the same time.  I don't dare eat or drink because it all comes up.

The downside to this is that I can't take medicine (for the uterus, but more importantly, for my back pain) because that too comes up.

whine whine whine
bitch bitch bitch
moan moan moan

And as a complete aside to all of this...
I just got my #fitbloggin ticket.  I'm not 100% sure if I'll attend (it's May 20th and 21th, 2011in Baltimore, MD) but at least the tickets are transferable.  I am not interested in monetizing my blog (at this time) or turning it into a book.  I'm mainly interested in meeting all of my wonderful followers and friends.  And well, I can do that just by visiting Baltimore for the weekend.

i am typing this entry on my cellphone, so please forgive me if it isnt't as pretty or as eloquent as it usually is. my neighbor that had formerly provided me with an unsecured network has now secured his or her network. further proof that i am cheap (i can afford internet but i do not want cable or a phone) and lazy (dc has tons of wifi spots around the city.

so the point of all of this? well my cats are good at predicting my health and wellbeing. if their actions are any indication, i will be dead soon. okay maybe that is a touch melodramatic, but right now they are both sleeping on me as i am lying in bed.

lying in bed at 5pm on a sunday, you ask? my back isnt feeling any better (i was walking around dc with family yesterday further exascerbating the issue-especially b/c it was on hard marble and concrete), and my lady bits are mounting a revolution or so it seems. add in the weather giving me a headache and there ya go. in bed on a sunday evening.

i hate feeling sorry for myself.

It scares me. It really does.
I try to be mindful of it, and not ask too much of my back.  But realisitically speaking, I could herniate a disc getting out of bed, getting out of a chair, or doing nothing at all. 

So where does that put me in terms of my journey?

1. be mindful of the pain, and treat it gently, crying if I need to.
3. don't deal with it by drinking (that's how my mom dealt with her back pain)
4. STRETCH when possible, ICE when needed
5. focus on my diet (fresh fruits and veg, lean protein, water, Vitamin D supplements)
6. hope that resting my back for a few days will help alleviate the pain
and if all of that fails
7. go back to doctors and discuss another round of epidural steroids
8. get MRI to see if I've caused any additional damage
9. get sexy men to carry me every where on a litter
10. hire some maids/assistants to take care of my apartment/errands