FatGirl vs World

So I had an appointment with my dietician today to discuss the results of my blood tests, among other things.  The biggest shock was how low my Vitamin D serum levels measured.  A good target (according to my dietician and other sources) is over 50 nMol/L.  Insufficient is between 20 and 50 nMol/L.  Deficient is under 20 nMol/L.  (High is between 150 and 225 nMol/L and toxic is over 225 nMol/L).

We all know that Vitamin D is important in terms of bone health (by itself and to help with the absorption of calcium--which is why you see "Vitamin D-fortified milk").  Vitamin D is also important in the prevention of some diseases such as MS, peripheral artery disease, cancer, and depression/Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Some studies are now drawing a link between Vitamin D deficiency and obesity.  It's not quite causal (i.e. more Vitamin D will not make you thin, as far as scientists know), but obesity and Vitamin D deficiency seem to coexist in the same overweight/obese spheres.

My Vitamin D level is a 14.8 nMol/L [[ng/mL]].  Worse even, I think, is that it's not even a test that my GP normally does.  I had to specially request this test (as well as a few others).  So I just wanted to put it on your radar (as it is now on mine) that you should request this test to at least see where you are.  You might have to pay for it out of pocket, but if you're deficient your body will be paying for it instead of your wallet.

I don't know if I'll be running out to the store so I can down some Cod Liver Oil (though I definitely need more fish in my diet (I love fish, but it's dangerous to prepare with 2 nimble cats)), but I am definitely going to work on this number.  Hopefully as my nMol/L [[ng/mL]] goes up, my lbs go down.

[[EDIT:  I was a silly girl and used the wrong measurements... my test was done in ng/mL.  So I'm on the higher end of a deficient scale, or on the low end of the insufficent scale.  But an ideal is greater than 40 and 50 ng/mL being a good goal.]]

Remember I said I like to read from a variety of different sources?

In Veronica Monet's Sex Secrets of Escorts, she makes a great point:   

Women also make some assumptions about what men want in a woman, and a very popular assumption is that all men want women to be skinny.  Women's magazines are full of photos of starving pubescent girls passing as the ideal for adult women's bodies.  Over the past several decades, the female "ideal" has morphed into what more closely resembles a post-operative male to female transsexual than a genetic adult female.  Impossibly narrow hips supported by stick legs and topped off with huge breasts is not how the natural female body is constructed, except in the rarest of cases.  Women in their reproductive years are intended by nature to have some fat on their hips and thighs to support the development of a baby.  Too little body fat can shut down a woman's menstrual cycle entirely. 

Fortunately, in the interest of continuing the human species, men have been programmed by nature to respond favorably to a healthy natural female body.  Although most women feel that men's magazines promote idealized and unrealistic images of the female body, a noticeable difference exists between women's and men's magazines. 

The women's magazines have far more anorexic images than the men's magazines.  So although both men and women buy magazines with photos of their ideal female form, the pouplar men's magazines prefer women who look like they have enough meat on them that they could actually get pregnant.  Most fashion photos in women's magazines show females who look like they are about to collapse from hunger or too much heroin. 

There are also men's magazines that cater to specific tastes.  Some men love very hairy women.  Some men love tiny breasts.  Some men love huge breasts. Some men love blondes.  Some men love redheads.  Some men love brunettes.  Some men love fat.  There are men's magazines for all of these female attributes and then some.  

 ... The beauty a man sees in a woman is timeless unless, of course, he really is suffering from low self-esteem.  Then he will care too much about what other people think to stay true to himself and his desires. 

Okay, please don't judge me that I read books like this.  Keep in mind that I lost my mom when I was 13 and often wonder how much I act like a man.  I was reading through the beginning of the book at the bookstore and I ran across this quote on page 25.  I bought the book just for that quote.  

I wanted and needed to be reminded that I am perfect just the way I am, not just for myself, but also for some lucky bloke out there.

So last night I'm coming back from dropping friends off at the Metro.  I am wearing a sleeveless shirt, shorts, and flip flops.  To get back to my house, I have to walk past a few of the more popular clubs in Northwest DC where all the fabulous people congregate to consolidate their fabulousness.  As I'm walking by, one guy feigns throwing up in my face, sound effects and all, as if to say "You make me want to vomit."  I don't even turn to acknowledge it, I just keep on going.  Part of me wanted to say to him "If that's what you think, have the balls to put words to it."  But then the scenario goes south as I punt him right in the nuts.

This morning as I'm coming back from the farmer's market, wearing shorts, a tank, and sneakers, and schlepping a grocery bag with 10lbs of delicious spring chicken and other assorted goodies, this guy sitting on a park bench waits until I pass by and he whistles a soft wolf call.  Yeah, I heard you.

The difference between the two guys (other than a difference of gentility) was age.  Most guys under 25 see women as only being pretty in one way.  Some guys over 25 have evolved to see the beauty in all women, or at least to keep their disparaging comments to themselves.  That, and I seem to be a real hit with the homeless/drug-addicted crowd.

I'm used to guys treating me badly, and luckily I've grown a thick skin about it. But it still makes me wonder how we went from the ideal of the Courtier to men acting as buffoons. 

I was chatting about this with a friend the other day -- that women treat each other pretty badly, or at least the majority of judgment women feel is from other women.  If you look at the mastheads of many of the major fashion/beauty magazines, the high-ranking editors are mostly women.  They've set the standards and the content of what we read.

The result is that because women treat each other badly, somehow we've given men permission to do the same.  (Ah, feminism.... gotta love it.  Sure we get some equality, but at what cost?)  Women call each other bitches, they tear each other apart like hyenas to establish the pecking order.  We read the gossip rags and mags, eating up the stories over who has gained weight, who jiggles, who is starving themselves on liquid diets, who has "improved" themselves with plastic surgery.


Once upon a time, artists painted and sculpted beautiful women who had curves, muscles, fat, strength, and above all, grace.  I think it's beautiful to see artists (photographers, clothing designers, etc.) once again finding inspiration from this most womanly and feminine of forms.   I don't mean to disparage those who are naturally thin, but for a woman, evolutionarily speaking, rail thin is just as abnormal as obese.  We are meant to carry extra fat on our bodies to prepare us for the physical demands of motherhood.

Also intrinsic to our survival is the community of women around us.  Before there were ever obstetricians and gynecologists, there were your mothers, aunties, cousins, neighbors, grandmothers, etc.  They passed down the anecdotal knowledge we needed to make sense of ourselves, our roles, and our lives.  They told us that what we felt was normal.  They told us we could endure the pain.  They brushed aside the hair on each others' faces.  They supported each other.

There is so much richness in these female relationships.   There is so much strength in this unity.  I don't mean to be all "rah rah sis boom bah Girl Power" but I just don't know the exact words to express my desire for all of us to not only be kinder to ourselves, but to be kinder to the women in our lives.  Just because they're one thing or another that we wish we were doesn't mean they're any happier. 

In a perfect world, Mr. Vomit Face would have been walking down the street with his girlfriend.  He either wouldn't have done what he did, or when he did, she'dve punched him in the nuts for me.  That's doing a solid for a sister.

I'm always interested in books on health, nutrition, and body studies.  I read everything from Dr. Huizenga's Where Did All the Fat Go? to Michael Pollan's The Omnivore's Dilemma and In Defense of Food to The Man Who Ate Everything by Jeffrey Steingarten.  I stay away from fad diet books, and tend to go for exercise theory/diet theory books.  I also love cookbooks, but try not to collect them.

So anyways, I have heard lots of things about Hungry, by Crystal Renn.  I wasn't so much interested in hearing about the modeling industry, but what it could do to a beautiful girl to make her anorexic and then to push her away from the anorexia.

It's a very good read, with tons of great quotes.  The biggest thing I got from the book is that some of my obsessions about my body might be completely from left field.  I am jealous of girls whose thighs don't rub together.  The bottom line is that I could be very thin and my thighs could still rub together, because I have such a high angle of inclusion between my hips and knees.

Crystal Renn and I are the same height (5'9").  When she was awarded her first modeling contract, she weighed 95lbs.  When I read that, there was just such a guttural reaction -- that I needed to change the focus of all this work from weight loss to health and fit gain.  Deep down I know that I am slacking off when it comes to being an active and engaged person.  I need to come to peace with the idea of never losing a pound, so long as I'm eating healthily and engaging in life.

So I recommend reading this book.  It isn't the most mind-riveting read out there, but it's a sincere and heartfelt memoir with the simple point of "love yourself as you are, not as what you want to be, or what others want you to be."

The underlying promise of dieting -- a promise as powerful as any industrial strength foundation garment -- is that once we reach our goal weight, our lives will be perfect.  That's the fairy-tale ending glimmering after the credits of a weight-loss reality show.  It's the story written in invisible ink in the margins o the exercise stories in too many women's magazines.  Eating well isn't about offering our bodies nourishing food--it's about getting skinnier.  Exercise isn't about becoming strong, managing stress, or supporting heart health--it's about getting skinnier.  Getting skinnier means that life will start playing in Technicolor to the accompaniment of a glorious orchestra. 

The problem is that real life doesn't work that way.  Even if it were possible for everyone to be thin--and we've already proven that it isn't--thinness does not confer insta-happiness.  It's hard for so many of us (including me, for years) to wrap our brains around the fact.  We postpone living--taking beach vacations, buying the foxy dress that shows off our upper arms, asking out the cute guy--because we think that being daring is the province of the thin, and only after we've been "good" enough to get thin do we deserve life's prizes.

Weight is the most of egregious example of  "If I only achieve this one thing, my life will truly begin."

One of the comments that I get from people is that I'm very honest and open on here.  With that in mind....

I think everyone has days when they just don't want to go to the gym -- we're tired, we're sore, we're too busy, etc.  But one of the things that has always kept me from going to the gym is the excuse of being too hairy.  Okay, I'm not hirsute, I'm not a bearded lady or anything.  I just happen to be Irish and German.  I have pale skin and dark hair.

I know girls who shave once a week and they don't get any stubble.  Even with a new razor, I get stubble the next day.  It's utterly unfair!

However, I think I was being a hypocrite when I told a friend to ignore anyone giving her crap for being a big girl going to a gym -- hey you're putting in the work.   I think I need to take my own advice and just not care if I haven't shaved in 2 days if that's preventing me from going to the gym.  That's what long pants are for.  It's also what some choice hand signals are for.

It's just some leg hair... what's the big deal?

This is a great article (from February) between Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay) and Oprah.

A little background:  I grew up in a Catholic household with two very devout parents.  My father had even studied for a while to become a priest.  I was baptized, had my first communion, and even was confirmed and then sometime after my confirmation (and after my mom died), I just lost all interest in religion.  I was reciting the Nicene Creed one day and realized I felt no affinity with, held no belief in what I was saying.  The result was a not-so-slow withdrawal from the church that deeply pained my father (all he wanted for me was my happiness and my salvation).  I looked into other religions, as I had some faith, but no belief in the practices of humans of that faith.

I finally settled on being a secular humanist, atheist Buddhist (most Buddhist practitioners are agnostic).  In other words, my path was one who had a deep sense of morality and respect for the people and world around her drawn from that very world.  I did not believe in heaven or hell, I didn't believe in a creator or a destroyer, or someone who would judge my heart at the end of my life.  I didn't believe in a soul.  I believed in my impermanence in the world.  And to truly live this life in a meaningful way, I would practice mindfulness and compassion.

I had three introductions to Buddhism that culminated in it being where I sought refuge when I needed comfort:   (1) my maternal grandpa served in post-occupation Japan.  Though I never met him, one of the things he brought back was a set of incense burners in the shape of the Buddha.  It was one of the few things I squirreled away so my parents wouldn't throw them away.  I very much liked the Buddha's slight, knowing smile; (2) 9th grade social studies with Mr. Ponzi; and (3) my own investigation -- buying books written by the Dalai Lama -- especially one called Sleeping, Dreaming, and Dying (I was impressed by his saying that Tibetan monks do not know why we dream, instead of theorizing).

So back to Thay.  A coworker (who is a Jewish Buddhist) asked if I had ever read Thich Nhat Hanh.  And I hadn't.  That very day I went to a bookstore and bought "Being Peace."  I bought more and more books by him.  The message was always simple:  All we have is right now -- so what are you going to do with it?  I learned that being a heinous bitch was really a waste of time and effort on my part.  I realized how much time and energy I was wasting on being angry or resentful.  And I was shown a path to let all of that go so I could start with a clean slate.

Thay introduced me to other teachers -- Jack Kornfield (The Art of Forgiveness was a transformative book in the relationship between my father and I), Noah Levine, Pema Chodron, and Tara Brach (you should try out her book Radical Acceptance), among others. 

The point of this whole post is this:  it doesn't matter what religion you are, you can learn a few of the Buddhist practices like the sacred pause, compassion and forgiveness for yourself as well as others,  trying to find joy in every moment, and learning to treat all of your emotions with care and love.

I know these tools will help me be successful in my weight loss/health gain process in a way I never have been before.

In Ranier Maria Rilke's First Letter to a Young Poet, Rilke tells the young poet that he's come to the wrong person to ask whether his poems are good or not.  He goes on to say something that has touched me in a very personal and meaningful way:

You are looking outside, and that is what you should most avoid right now. No one can advise or help you - no one. There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple "I must", then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your whole life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse.

Friend and fellow blogger, Crystal, asked me a few questions about the BodyMedia Fit.  I think the discussion is something that everyone could benefit from, so I'm going to make it a stand-alone post (as well as my first discussion of the device and my discussion of dieting in general).  Feel free to ask more questions.

How are you liking it?
I absolutely love it! It's part of my wardrobe now. I feel like I've forgotten something if I forget to put it on.

Is the arm band comfortable to wear?
Yes.  There are 3 sizes of armbands, so you don't have to worry about it being too big or too small.  It is secured with Velcro.

Does it stay put?
For the most part, yes.  The only time I really have trouble with it sliding down my arm is when I'm Wii Boxing.  But all I do is tighten it a little bit while i'm doing that particular exercise, and then loosen it for normal use.

Do you wear it all the time?
They recommend you wear it for 23 hours a day.  Also you shouldn't submerge it in water.  So I don't wear it when i'm in the shower, or when I'm swimming.  With the BodyMedia site, you can estimate activities done while the unit is not on your arm (yep, including shower and swimming).

Are you finding it helpful for staying on track and accountable?
The bottom line is that it cannot do the work for me, but it does make me more mindful of where I'm at (especially because I purchased the display unit.  The armband can work as a standalone, but with the display unit, I have to-the-minute information about how many steps I've taken and how many calories I've burned.  Oh, and it also has the time.)  It helps remind me that I have good days and bad, but it's the trend that I'm concerned about.  I can print out reports and see these trends and correllate them to how my body felt that day, when my period was, or even the weather.

When I notice I haven't burned enough calories or walked enough, I might scale back the portions of what I'm eating.  I might put down the cheese and pick up my sneakers.  It reminds me that this isn't guess work.  It's plain and simple.

Do you use the subscription program it talked about?
I do use the BodyMedia.com Activity Manager.  The first three months are free with purchase of the armband.  After that, the longer you subscribe the less it costs per month.  I have a 12-month subscription and it's a little under $7 a month.  That's some people's coffee for a day.

You upload the information to the armband to the site and then add in your nutrition information (food journal).  I hear they're working on a phone application to help people keep track.  Many foods are already listed in there, but some are not.  If it's something you eat on a regular basis, you can add foods and recipes.

Do you have to?
Yeah, sorry about that. 

Are you finding it to be helpful?
Yes! I love data.  It gives me lots of information about myself (such as my sleep patterns) and my choices.  I've even set it up to remind me to get up from my desk and walk around (at 1 pm). 

My dietitian uses it as part of her initial assessment into food and behavior.

I was going to suggest, maybe there's a way you can buy a used one, or if a nutritionist/gym allows you to rent one for a month or two...