FatGirl vs World

My apologies for the interruption of the past two entries--my personal life reared its ugly head and I needed (1) an outlet to vent and (2) to be in a safe place/among friends.  It's really hard for me when someone calls me (or something that I have done) mean.  In this instance it was an act of self-preservation that was unfairly judged as mean after months of suffering. I know I'm no saint, but I also know when I'm being treated unfairly.  I'm a good and kind person (far from the heinous bitch I used to be) that didn't deserve to be mistreated. 

I turned to my favorite little book, "The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace,"by Jack Kornfield for some direction, and found it in this quote:

Forgiveness does not forget, nor does it condone the past.  Forgiveness sees wisely.  It willingly acknowledges what is unjust, harmful, and wrong.  It bravely recognizes the sufferings of the past, and understands the conditions that brought them about.  There is a strength to forgiveness.  When we can forgive we can also say, "Never again will I allow these things to happen."  We may resolve to never again permit such harm come to ourselves or another.

So in the end I had to have compassion and forgiveness not only for the person that hurt me, but for myself for allowing my walls to come down and to let someone else close enough to do the damage.  But a line was crossed and I could no longer let such harm come to myself.  Like I alluded to in the previous post, I was bending too much to accommodate him, and in doing so I lost my own structural integrity.  He hurt me in two ways -- directly by his (in)actions and misrepresentations, and indirectly by pulling me so off-center and away from myself that my natural instincts weren't alerted to the harm being done until it was too late.

Am I mad at him?  Yes and no.  But any anger is really overshadowed by a sense of compassion (bordering on unhealthy pity, as pity comes with judgment and I try not to be judgmental).  How broken does a person have to be to hurt someone who is kind and gentle?  How lacking in self-awareness must one be to realize that their (in)actions are causing actual pain to another person, especially when that other person is quite adept at putting words to it?


Remember I asked the "Intuitive Eating/Ditch the Diet" panel how they find their way back to themselves after emotional eating/a binge? 

Karen Anderson (@KCLAanderson)'s email to me explaining her mirror process was the loving advice I needed to hear after feeling like I had lost myself for the benefit of another person.  With her blessing (I hope), I'm going to share her process with you here:

KCLAnderson’s Self Love Exercise™:

You can do this full clothed, naked, or somewhere in between. 
The goal is to be able to do it naked.

Stand with your back to the mirror.  Take some deep belly breaths.  Think about something that makes you feel all googly inside.  A baby?  A kitten or puppy?  Your significant other?  Someone else’s SO?  You know the feeling.  That melty-heart feeling that actually becomes physical.  Get that feeling going.  It should feel like your chest is expanding with warmth and goodness . . . an actual physical feeling.

Then turn around with your eyes closed.  Soften your eyes.  Take a few deep belly breaths.  Check your posture?  Are you tense?  Are your shoulders up around your ears?  Unlock yourself.  Relax.  Take some more deep breaths.  Open your eyes and keep them soft.  Look at yourself in the mirror with soft eyes and turn that warm googly, melty heart feeling in to yourself.  [Stay with that feeling, and in that loving gaze, as long as you can.]

:-)

This takes practice (intention and repetition) as well as patience (knowing you won't be perfect every time).  To be able to look at yourself and see what is whole and beautiful (and not what is broken or imperfect) takes time, an abundance of love, and as much forgiveness as you can muster.  In my case, it has taken time to see past the (emotional/mental, and physical) scars, but beyond that there is a person and a body that is strong and has survived worse storms than a boy.

Shakespeare's Sonnet 116:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

In other words...

• When love is right, you don't need to change the other person, and you do not need to change yourself (you may have to compromise, but there's no renovation project going on)
• When love is right, it can weather rough patches (as my boss says about marriage, "there are good years and bad years"), you can set your clocks to it (it's dependable and constant), and always find your way back to love.
• When love is right you can tell by its timeless quality of remaining unchanged over time (and said love can even evolve and deepen).

But when it's not right....

• You struggle and suffer to make things work.
• There are only rough patches, it is unpredictable and not dependable, and you often lose sight of the chance of love.
• You feel like you are working against a clock or a timeline.

But isn't that a great lesson from The Bard? 

And to put it in the context of the lovingkindness dialogue I'm working with in my blog -- if you have to change yourself to accomodate another person, is that kind to who you are and what you need?

In 1990, the U.S. passed a law (Nutrition Labeling and Education Act of 1990) requiring most companies to list their nutrient and ingredient information on their packaged goods as well as limiting the claims a company could make on said packaging ("low in sugar!" "high in fiber!" "will make you live a bazillion years longer!").  Food companies had a little over three years to get their shit straight before this law went into effect in 1993.

Before this, there were many books and resources that would list some of the major nutrients of some processed (and unprocessed) foods, i.e., the T-Factor Calorie Counting book.  It told you the basics (calories, fat, carbohydrates/sugars, protein, salt) about the average baked potato all the way up to a Whopper with cheese.  (Opinions about food/diet has changed so much over the past 18 years, hasn't it?)

And before that, people didn't care what was in their packaged foods, because pre-packaged industrialized food hadn't been invented yet.  Beef came in cow packaging; tomato sauce came in tomato packaging.  Any packaging was done in the kitchen (salting, canning, pickling, etc.). Before labeling, one had to rely on a mix of experience, instinct, and social learning to know what foods were good for you and which were not (and it was just a best guess).  This was also the golden era before "dieting."  It was either you had food or you didn't.  (Notice how the diet industry evolved concurrently with the industrialization with food?)


All too often men put forth a(n initial) good showing that they are kind, generous, loyal, honorable (the front of the box health claims) and then as time goes by you see what they really are (the nutrition label showing all sorts of weird petrochemicals, preservatives, and filler).

But unlike that which guides our nutrition choices, men have no labels.  We have to go on faith that what men tell and show us is an accurate representation of who they are at their core.  We take a risk (emotionally, mentally, sexually, etc.) when we get involved with a man.  Sometimes it is a healthy risk, and sometimes it is a very unhealthy risk (but that's something we only find out in retrospect).

Most of us would never go near the guy that was going to break our heart if, from the onset, we knew he was capable of it.  They lead with tenderness and care when really they are only looking out for themselves.  Their communicativeness is a carefully executed ruse to win trust and lose undies.  The effort they expend is proportionate to what they think they can get in return, instead of giving freely from their heart (a/k/a generosity).

I believe that books like The Game and people like Tom Leykis, and even the sexual revolution have screwed the single woman that wants to be in a monogamous relationship with a decent man.  Basically if you're a guy and you don't want to be in a relationship, you don't have to be because somewhere there's a woman willing to just have casual sex with you.

As an anthropologist (I studied biological/forensic anthropology in college), I can understand the biological impetus for men to want to have lots of sex with many women (and a woman's desire to nest with one partner), but since the dawn of civilization society has set the rules/boundaries/parameters of such interaction.  Recently society has lost its mind.  Whereas in the past a guy actually had to be honorable and do right by the woman, the bar is currently set quite low.  If a woman has any kind of standards or expectations, she's seen as demanding or is accused of acting entitled. A guy calling on the third day is considered responsive.

Fuck yeah I feel that a guy should (ahem) call me, maybe take me out in public (*gasps*), or introduce me to his friends (outrageous!) if he would like to see me without my clothing on.  Is that such a radical idea?  Apparently it is. 

All too often when we experience the jerks, we don't recognize it at first.  We see a challenge, or feel that we need to jump up and down, waving our arms in the air in order to be recognized.  Furthermore, women are now taking on the roles of the prince slaying the dragon.  We go above and beyond to prove our worthiness to a guy.  It's so effing backwards.  I think if a woman finds herself walking through fire for a guy, it's the wrong guy.  No man with a spine, sense of self-worth, or cajones would let a woman assume all the risk and face the fire.  That's just basic decency that your mom and dad (should have) taught you.

Imagine if in addition to a nutrition label, the very worst of the worst (the men who make other men look bad) had to have a warning label slapped on them? What if the warning label said "This guy will cheat on you, give you STDs, impregnate you, and embezzle money." You'd avoid him like the plague, right?

But I wouldn't be writing this post if that's the way the world always worked, now would I?  The truth still remains that there are men out there that abuse and misuse women.  There are men that are like wrecking balls in a woman's life -- completely oblivious or not caring to the damage they cause.

It's hard to practice lovingkindness and forgiveness to yourself when you feel like you've been duped.  But I ask you this -- in these situations, did you act accordingly to who you want to be/how you want to be perceived?  Were you trusting?  Honest?  Selfless?  Kind?  Considerate?  Compassionate?  How dare you let someone make you feel like you are bad/wrong for being all of these good things.  Shame on them for taking advantage of you .  Be resilient, if possible, and remain all of those positive attributes.  The right person is out there and you don't want to scare him away by being a jaded princess walled up in an emotional fortress.

So yes, I'm talking to myself here.  There are a few of my inner circle who know what has been going on in my life (and no, no pregnancy or embezzlement).  It's utterly disheartening to meet someone that you could see having a future with and then having it be a complete mirage/one-sided love affair.  I'm exhausted from trying. I'm exasperated from trying to explain things to him in a way that he would understand that he was responsible for causing me pain (I still don't know if he understands -- in my mind if you caused someone pain, writing "I'm sorry" in an IM is not enough).

But I am glad that I stood up for myself (albeit it five months late).  So many people keep on telling me that I need to love myself before trying to get in a relationship.  If you knew me, you'd know how absolutely silly this is to say to me.  I love myself beyond compare.  I think I'm beautiful, brilliant, witty, sexy, and so much more.  Wanting to be in a relationship is not about me trying to supplement myself or be rescued.  Part of loving myself so much is knowing exactly who I am and what I need to be happy.  I am my happiest when I am able to love someone worthy of my love.  I know the quality, depth, and strength of that love and devotion.

If a man doesn't think he's worthy of my love, or unable to handle it, he needs to have enough self-awareness to figure it out and then admit it to himself.  No equivocation.  No wasting my time.  I had actively decided to not have sex with anyone until I found that capable man.  I thought I had, and boy was I wrong.  And while I regret that he was either duplicitous or had the emotional maturity of a gnat, I know my heart and mind were at engaged long before my body.

To quote Gigi from the movie "He's just not that into you" (I know, I know, not a cinematic great, but it had a few great quotes in it...):

I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there too much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.

The odd thing is that I feel compassion (bordering on pity) for him.  Who passes up the chance to be genuinely loved so easily?

*If you want to bitch and complain about women, feel free to do that in your own blog.  And yes, I'm lumping all men together.  I know fully well that there are good guys out there, but until I meet one that wants to be with me and treat me well, these are the kinds of  guys I have to either deal with or be wary of.

**Also, please no specific man bashing in the comments.  I can appreciate that you want to be supportive/protective, but that won't help me feel better and/or move on.

Vena/@Phatterri is one of #GoTheDist's longest running participants.  (hahaha.... I'm funny. Get it? Longest running?)

If you want a great example of how to work #GoTheDist, just look to her -- as she is very consistent about posting her mileage as well as supporting everyone else as they reach their goals.  It's utterly inspiring to see how one simple idea, that success is measured in more than just pounds lost can not only unite a community, but help people change their lives, one mile at a time. 

Can you believe she's the mother of three grown children?  What a hottie! 

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After a strong finish in the April challenge I decided to go for it in May and increase my run and biking miles to a new high. I felt stronger then I had in a long time and knew that I could meet these goals with no problem, but it was not to be.

Around that second week I started noticing something was off and in my usual fashion I tried to brush it off and keep going. Along with the challenge goals, I have been training for a duathlon set for the end of June. The more I ran and trained the more exhausted I felt. On the 13th I was scheduled to run a 5k and an old knee injury reared it’s ugly head at mile one. I ended up doing run/walk intervals and still managed to complete the race with around a little more than 12 minute pace.

Between the knee and my exhaustion I knew a doctor’s visit was necessary. The doctor told me needed to have my meds adjusted and take a week off of EVERYTHING. OMG that was a tough week. I kept thinking about losing mileage. It was also really hard to watch my training buddies move forward with training and having to modify my workouts to take it easy. What? They said no workout, well I didn't run. Bad patient.

After a week I got clearance from my doctor to run and train again. I had to cut my mileage by half and slow down. This actually wasn't so bad I had gotten to the point where I couldn't run for more than half a mile without gasping for breath. With the slower pace I've gone as far as 4.5 miles without a break. That's awesome.

This month showed me that is not all about the numbers. I need to take better care of myself and reach out for help at the first sign that something feels wrong. By the end of the month I only got to 70% of my goal but you know what that's okay. Onward & Upwards!

So.... May's #GoTheDist challenge is coming to a close.  I'm saying I reached 3/4 of my goal:  I did 100% in one modality and a little over 50% in another.  I'm happy with this mainly because I am not stressed out about my weight, or feeling like I didn't put in enough effort.  I worked hard the whole month.

The lovely Ms. Vena (@Phatterri) will be writing May's Wrap-up post and that will be posted soon.

I thought quite a bit about the theme of "Second Chances" this month -- about giving myself second chances as well as giving other people second chances.  I think it requires a wise and compassionate heart to be able to realize that we are often not perfect out of the gate, and that some things actually take effort and practice in order to achieve results.  For most of us looking to change our lives and our health, this is one big second chance -- we reached a point in our lives where we found the strength to say "No, this is not the way my life will play itself out" and it requires a few fits and starts until we have tangible momentum.

I've also learned about when another chance is appropriate and when it is just time to move on.  Some things are just within our grasp, not now, not ever. It's not a failing to admit your (or another person's) limitations, it does not detract from our basic goodness.  To paraphrase Tara Brach, there's enough dukkha (suffering) in our lives, why add to the suffering by lumping judgment on it (what she calls the "Second Arrow")?

With that in mind....

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June is going to be dedicated to something Karen Anderson (@KCLAanderson) said during #Fitbloggin's "Intuitive Eating/Ditch the Diet" panel.   I quoted one of my favorite Jack Kornfield quotes:  "In the end, forgiveness simply means never putting another person out of our heart" and then asked the panel something like "When things are going wrong, when you're binging and down on yourself, how do you get back in your heart?"  Infinitely wise, Karen said that she stands in front of her mirror.... NAKED... with no harshness in her face.  She looks at herself compassionately and cultivates a self-love feeling, and that is her pathway back into her heart (i.e. forgiveness).

Like I said, she is infinitely wise, but also brave.  I'm willing to bet that this is probably terrifying to most people.  Is it so scary if you know other people are doing this as well?


June's #GoTheDist challenge will still have the same tracking components and spreadsheet (miles, classes, steps, water, strength, or whatever you want to add) but I'm going to take it a bit farther (and along the same lines as February's challenge, as well as New Rule No. 3):

• Every day have some naked time (it doesn't matter how long) -- but it is completely naked, no cheating.
• Find yourself in front of a full-length mirror and find a way to look at yourself compassionately and lovingly as you are right now (i.e. do not envision how you want to look)
• If you find this hard, put your hand over your heart and softly say "I am here... I am here."
• Remain in front of the mirror until your heart rate is regular, you've stopped giggling, there's no anxiety about the person looking back at you, and until you start seeing what is perfect over what might be imperfect
• And if you can only do it for a limited time (such as if you're a parent, or live with other people) make sure that when you do this that you're not distracted.  Be present and in the moment.

And if you need to, tape this to the side of the mirror and read it to yourself if you need the permission to love your naked, vulnerable, wonderful self:

You are perfect, only you don’t know it.
Learn to know yourself and you will discover wonders.
All you need is already within you, only you must approach yourself with reverence and love.
Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors.
Your constant flight from pain and search for pleasure is a sign of the love you bear for yourself;
all I plead with you is this: make love of yourself perfect.
Deny yourself nothing – give yourself infinity and eternity and discover that
you do not need them; you are beyond.

-- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Additional resources:

• Tara Brach's Dharma talk on the Healing Power of Self Compassion Part 1 and Part 2

<a href="https://spreadsheets.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Ap5ByzNXXC9NdDVGcWg0WTVXU3RiRk5aX3pvb1hxcmc&hl=en_US"> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpzz1eSVktpq_ohAaETAX-RiWPeZmZSnm6-nlCQ7tj0hq7ZjHTZ9pVfUDrmFQQilbMXsokLlKKJEl0R0FqS7s-GrvbdrGnXkCzmfH80hCp6iGkSvQo6fM1xoAezE5Fq2tQ0PPJdRFYbTc/s320/JuneGTD.jpg" height="300" border="0"></a>
Grab the button for yourself (copy and paste HTML into your blog)

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How to Join:

1. Click on the SUMMARY PAGE (bookmarking it would be a good idea as you will be using it often).
2. Fill out the next available line on the "Summary" spreadsheet (do not use Columns F or G, J or K -- they will automatically calculate once link your sheet).

3. **CREATE YOUR INDIVIDUAL PAGE** (This is a NEW step. Duplicate the "Participant Sheet." If you're comfortable working in spreadsheets you can edit it where it should repeat your personal information. The formula line will look something like "=Summary!A2" -- replace the 2 with whatever line you are on the summary spreadsheet. For =Summary!B2 do the same, etc.).

4. Rename the tab "@[twitter name]" or if you don't have Twitter "[nickname]" (If you want to link your page back to summary spreadsheet, go for it. It's a huge help. Column F will look like this (minus the brackets): ='[your tab name]'!D43 Column J will look like this (minus the brackets): ='[your tab name]'!E43)

5. Fill out the sheet as you wish.

6. Update your own individual page as needed (if tracking is too hard, consider printing out your page and filling it out by hand and updating it online once a week). The total mileage will automatically be updated on the Summary tab as you report on your individual page.

7. Follow #GoTheDist on Twitter for support if you need it or to support others when they do, to announce achievements, and find new/old friends!

8. PLEASE DO NOT DELETE LINES OR TABS! Do not SORT. If you want to add columns, please add them to the RIGHT of the page. Please do NOT move your page around! You CAN bookmark your individual page using your browser to find it easily.

#Fitbloggin's Ditch the Diet: How to Eat Intuitively panel was kinda intense.  I have lots of thoughts on this topic, so please bear with me if I go in circles or on tangents. 

If I were to say "at one point in your life, you were an intuitive eater" would you believe me?  When you were a baby would you cry when you were hungry?  You should be nodding yes.  Would you eat way past the point of satiety?  Probably not, and if you did, you must've been one little vomit cannon.  Now that you have more choices than a breast or a bottle, food and eating have become an emotional minefield.  I just wanted to say this early on to help remind you that if you were once an intuitive eater you can find your way back to being one. 

My journey into intuitive eating wasn't necessarily the kumbaya feel-good cathartic process.  It started with a few basic admissions on my part:  (1) I wasn't taught proper nutrition when I was younger; (2) I had no idea what my body actually needed; (3) I had no idea what my "diet" actually looked like and if my nutritional needs were being met; and (4) there's a difference between mindless/mindful grazing and intuitive eating.

I couldn't do much about the first point (though, forgiving my parents was a big part of it and letting go of the "if only they knew, I wouldn't be like this" grudge was instrumental in my healing).  However, I could work to understand and correct the final three. 

It is safe to say that I had been winging the whole diet thing for a while.  While I had a trainer (back in 2006), I had very little guidance when it came to nutrition.  I would run a 10k at the gym, do some weights and core work, and then go get a greasy spinach/chicken quesadilla and a beer as a reward for my hard work.  Of course I was frustrated that I wasn't losing weight faster!  There was a huge disconnect in my mind (and in my behavior) regarding fueling my workouts and my life.

For me, the answer was in gathering data.  I knew how to calculate my Basal Metabolic Rate/Harris Benedict Factor, but even that was just an estimate.  I needed something more accurate.  I knew a little about the BodyBugg from watching The Biggest Loser and that sounded like it could work.  I did some research and found out that BodyMedia made both the BodyMediaFit ("BMF") and the BodyBugg ("BB") -- the main difference was the software (the Web interface was different, and the BMF would measure sleep).  Otherwise they looked nearly identical.  In February 2010, I used my bosses' holiday/end-of-the year checks to purchase the BodyMedia Fit for myself. 

I started wearing it as soon it was charged, but (a) it would take a few weeks of information to see patterns emerging in activity and sleep and (b) I would need to go to a dietitian to understand the role food played in all of it.  But I was closer to seeing the whole picture: 

1. I led a pretty sedentary life when I wasn't busting my ass at the gym;
2. I was all over the place with food (eating little some days and too much on others); and
3. While I was in bed and sleeping for many hours, I wasn't actually getting quality sleep.

My dietitian filled in some of the blanks regarding food as well -- I was an emotional eater with a few trigger foods (Oreos and peanut butter (especially when in cookie form));  I didn't get enough fat, protein or calories in general; and that I was in an emotional relationship with my refrigerator. 

Breaking up with my refrigerator (i.e. mindlessly looking in the fridge as if something new were going to appear) was much easier than correcting what was missing in my diet and much easier than handling the trigger foods.  Dealing with the trigger foods would come much later in an epiphany of sorts. 

Re-learning about diet and nutrition was much easier once I was able to break up with the fridge and break free of the emotions that made me feel powerless around food.  Once I realized that food did not make me happy in the way I thought it was making me happy, it no longer held sway and dominion over me.  Let me rephrase:  I could be happy to eat something, but eating something won't bring me happiness.  I had to deal with the (un)happiness away from the kitchen.

Pretty soon I had cleared away enough emotional/mental space to deal with the questions of intuitive eating.  This is once again where the BodyMediaFit played a big role.  Once I knew how many calories I was burning, it was much easier for me to say "I know my body needs this" versus "I think this is what my body needs" or "this is what I want."  My ability to estimate portion sizes and calorie counts became much more accurate the more I used my scale and my BMF.  I also knew my exercise burns much better. I knew how much an hour on the elliptical would burn versus an hour on the bike, or an hour weight lifting.  I knew that I could adjust my diet accordingly and without panic.

Is this intuitive eating?  Yes and no.  It's the best I can do, but sometimes it falls short of my dietary needs. 

It's what I like to call "informed eating" -- I'm not counting calories as much anymore, but I am almost always wearing my BMF (even if I'm not syncing it or checking my burn on the display).  I am comfortable with the feelings of hunger I might have on a day when my burn is high.  But I'm also comfortable in sitting with that hunger knowing that if I'm within a certain range, that my food is still fueling my activity (I try not to have more than a 1000 calorie deficit and I aim for 750/ 1.5lbs/week).

Is this perfect?  Nope.  When I hit a plateau, I know it's time to start food logging again, mainly to make sure I'm eating enough of the right things. 

Have I had a binge lately?  Well I've overindulged a bit when it comes to vodka, but no emotional "ZOMG I NEED TO EAT THIS BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE EVERYTHING RIGHT IN MY LIFE" feelings lately.  I consider that enough of a victory for now.

I really do credit the BodyMediaFit for this -- it took the emotions out of the process of diet/exercise.  It was now a math equation (as many doctors and scientists have said all along):


The emotions have to find their own equation.

First of all, hello to my new readers, my new supporters, my new friends.

These are all the places you can find me (other than at a bar, the gym, or in a pool): 
@FatGirlvsWorld
FatGirlvsWorld on Facebook
FatGirlvsWorld on Youtube  
FatGirlvsWorld BodyMedia SpokesBody page (it's a contest... help me win $5,000 by clicking on "like"!)

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As many of you all saw (on Twitter), I had my reservations about going to #FitBloggin.  I was very surprised to see that I wasn't the only one intimidated by the whole thing.

My fears:

• being in a room full of people that knew each other and expected me to know them
• people knowing who I was and I didn't know them (I'm so bad with names, avatar/facial recognition)
• saying that I was "FatGirlvsWorld" and having people think I wasn't fat enough for the name
• being at a fitness conference and being seen as fat
• wanting to meet people more than learning about monetizing my blog, or data mining, or sponsor du jour, but people not wanting to socialize 

I got out of my cab and was immediately greeted by Tara and Sharla.  In a instant (and deeply moving moment) I immediately knew that despite my fears I was not only in the right place but among the safety and security of friends. 

Two moments highlighted my fears, though:   When I introduced myself to Andrea Metcalf as "Robby, FatGirlvsWorld" she said something to the tune of "you're not fat at all."  I know she meant it as a compliment.  I was very much reminded of something that Cara (of Cara's Cravings) said (in the middle of gelato) -- that the new people she meets have no idea of her journey or what she used to look like, be like, and feel like.  They just see the thin person.

It's odd to be in the middle of a fitness conference and feel too big to be thin and too thin to be big (and worse of all, worried about offending anyone who was bigger than me by calling myself fat).  But the truth is that I will always be FatGirlvsWorld; I will always have the mentality of someone that has struggled with their weight.  I started this blog as an open letter to the world to show that there are many definitions of health and fitness, and it is available to anyone who wants it.  Calling myself "FatGirl" has never been pejorative (in my mind) -- it is my way of paying homage to the struggle.

The second moment came a little towards the end of the conference when Jack Sh!t jokingly said that everything would be gravy for me once I overcame my shyness.  He was being facetious -- but as I told http://www.sweatinguntilhappy.com/,  the truth is that it is much easier for me to be FatGirlvsWorld, with all of her bravado and charm than it is for me to be Robby sometimes.  I try to be both, but it's not always possible.  I am naturally an introvert.  I am petrified of being in new places, petrified of being in large groups of people. 

Courtesy of @FattyBoobaLatty

The resemblance is uncanny, right?

I was shocked by the number of people who came up to me and said "ZOMG, you're FATGIRLVSWORLD.  I love you!"  Here I think I'm running this little blog under the radar.  It truly means so much to me that I'm able to not only write for myself (and my own sanity) as well as write for words when you need the words.  I am flattered, but I am also humbled.

I was equally as surprised by the number of people who were okay with sitting with me in my silence, or who recognized that I was a bit in over my head  A huge thanks to Sharla who recognized that I was on overload and asked if I wanted to get out of there for a bit.  We ended up going to the National Aquarium and getting hit on my a longhorn cowfish (photos to follow).

Another huge thanks to my friend Katie, and my friends Amy and Elisha for giving me a place to rest my head.  Leading up to the conference I was so overwhelmed that I did nothing to handle the logistics.

Thoughts about #Fitbloggin:

1. It is clear to me now that I am not a professional blogger, nor do I have an inclination to be.  I am not interested in data mining. I'm not interested in being the most read blogger evar!  I'm just interested in writing what's true to me and hoping that my words are what you need when you need it.
2. I would have loved there to be more fit than bloggin.  My favorite panels/events were Zumba (it was fun to see so many first-timers having fun.  I think it was the ice breaker we all needed -- to look silly, get sweaty, and burn some calories) and the Intuitive Eating panel (it was intimate, honest, and uplifting). 
3. I appreciate that breakfast was being provided courtesy of corporate sponsors -- however, I greatly missed my morning Chobani and FiberOne.  I know some people were in need of more protein for breakfast.  Hard boiled eggs are easy to transport, but not as good as scrambled eggs. 
4. I can also appreciate that lunch and some snacks were provided for us -- however, I was missing out on having veggies.  There were tons of fruits, but I run on veg.  Whole Foods was getting a lot of action from the conference. 
5. I know part of the problem was not having dedicated rooms for the conference, but I would have liked to see a little more flow from the conference -- having a blogger "speed dating" meet-and-greet early on (not everyone was there on Thursday night) would have been helpful.  I would have also put the 101 classes early on in the first day.  I would have split up the fitness events over the 2 days.  The second say was a lot of sitting in a chair. 
6. OMG, liveblogging is hard.  I gave up after one session (kettlebells). 
7. I didn't take many pictures. I don't know why this is. Maybe b/c I spent more time on hugging than normal. 
8. We are a group of very sexy people.  Even the firefighters think so. I think the Preakness people were intimidated.  Do spandex and fancy hats mix? 
9. I'm glad that no one thought it was rude to listen and tweet at the same time, or if they did they realized where they were. 
10. It was a shame that so much of the event was inside.  While I know the schedule was busy, it would have been good to have breakout groups for things like the Intuitive Eating panel, it was clear that some people needed some personal attention/support.
11. I know we all use twitter, but it would have been cool to have some white boards near the registration booth to post stuff like "Anyone looking to take a walk at 2pm?" "We have an extra bed" or "ISO size 7.5 new balance, will trade size 8." The #Fitbloggin hashtag was too much to keep up with sometimes. 
12. OMG..... @FitandFreeEmily gave me the best new toy. 
13. Yeah, I'm a teacher's pet. I asked a question at almost every panel I went to.  But I like asking questions. Maybe I need to do more interviews on my blog. 
14. Are there awards for "Best timing of a hiccup at a conference"???? 
15. I'm so sorry if I launched a wristband at you and you were hit.  With power comes responsibility, eh?  
16. Nope. The interview with Dr. Fitness and the Fat Guy was NOT rehearsed.  Man my back was killing me by that time and my posture was horrible.
17. Trampolines are fun.  But as fitness? Didn't urban rebounding die in the 1990s? 
18. Where are the wine & cheese sponsors? 
19. I'm glad there were cherries and chocolate though.  nom nom nom.  The missing sweet link. 
20. Oooh we should have had a juice/smoothie bar.  One blender was NOT enough, eh?
21. It would have been nice for wordpress/blogger to have a table or even a "How To" -- as they're the two most popular platforms.  (word to @paolo -- livejournal and diaryland RULE(d)!) 
22. Did the Marriott know we would be drinking a lot of water? 
23. Did the Marriott know we'd need more bandwidth/a bigger boat? 
24. We should have taken over a water taxi.

#Fitbloggin Action Items (not just for me....):

1. Support http://www.leavingfatville.com/ setting and meeting her next mini goal (#LFDoesIt) and remind her that she's a good mom.
2. Like I wrote in response to the Blogger Responsibility panel:   We need to be the TRUTH TELLERS of the fitness world.  Let's be louder than mainstream media.  What does this mean?  By being a blogger in the fitness world, I think we have the responsibility of showing the world and media that fit and healthy does NOT need to be airbrushed.  Our collective voice needs to be louder than the media so that those who are at the beginning of the journey know that they can do so without feeling bad about themselves, without feeling alone, without feeling desperate. 
3. We really need to explore the whole intuitive eating aspect -- many of us still have issues with emotional eating.  Let's get @BradGansberg/#7daychip involved.  Let's have a meditative retreat (or a podcast series) where we work to reprogram our relationship with food and forgive ourselves a whole lot more.  It's very clear that this is a subset of the fitbloggin community that still needs support and love.  ((The quote from Jack Kornfield, if you missed it the first time around:  "In the end, forgiveness simply means never putting another person out of our heart.")
4. We need to be more willing to (1) be proud of our expertise if we have one (even if it's just being an expert on ourselves, to quote @Krazy_Kris) (2) acknowledge when we do not know something (3) and make connections with the people who might have the information we need, or the information someone is asking us to find.  As a community we should be able to help other people based on trusted and proven relationships.
5. We need to reach out to corporate sponsors (ones that we currently have relationships with and ones that we do not have relationships with) and show them that they can have spokespeople who are real people, with real lives, who are are imperfect, and who are joyful.  There is one among us that can represent most companies with integrity (diet pills and gimmicks need not apply).  ((KitKat needs to reach out to @Shauna)) 
6. We need to meet with people more often.  This weekend was proof that we love and support each other in a unique and genuine way.  Mini-Meetups! #Fitblogginsgiving anyone? #FitBloggin Commune? 
7. I think @charliegirl2490 and I need to star in our own musical revue with many fitbloggin guest appearances.  
8. From Elisha: We need to be willing to experience the bad with the good, rather than trying to deny it.  Allow ourselves to feel what we're feeling and not be ashamed. [We need to s]hare what we're going through, so we can FIND strength in those who have gone before and GIVE strength to those who follow.