A sad confession...

So yeah... (1) after all that work, I look at the pictures and see just how much more there is to be done.  Deep down I know I have come ...

So yeah...

(1) after all that work, I look at the pictures and see just how much more there is to be done.  Deep down I know I have come so far.  I really really do.  I just thought I'd look so much better.  There's still the part of me who sees the photos and feels like a failure.

(2) After the past year+ of blogging, the last 9 months or so of working with my dietitian, and the last 3 months of intensive workouts, I'm kinda burned out and want to take a few weeks to re-group.  It's disorienting to have to find new motivation.

(3) I totally went off the meal plan for the wedding weekend (it's okay, it's not like I was binging, just wasn't being mindful).  I then came home and have spent the past 2 days feeling completely insatiable and eating everything in sight (luckily there wasn't much in my apartment that wasn't isn't healthy in moderation, and slightly nauseating in excess).  I need to get back to food logging because that at least made it less about emotions and more about numbers.

(4) I've redone the plan.  As it now reads (with some holdovers from the original plan):
--continue good habits re mindful eating (food log)
--balanced exercise routine (strength, cardio, flexibility)
--practice self care, good care of cats
--plan a vacation for 2011
--put heart on the line, trust its strength
--volunteer more regularly
--finish what is started
--be more organized (food plans, schedules, finances, apt)
--Long term goal:  180lbs by Jan. 1, 2010

(5) The sad confession? I ate 1/4 cup of white whipped icing right from the tub.  I felt sick after eating it. I felt disappointed in myself for doing something so impulsive.  I hated the fact that I knew it was all sugar and hydrogenated oil.  But I'm glad I threw the rest of the tub out.  It's just not worth keeping around.

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18 comments

  1. Yep, weight loss is a tiring journey that isn't always glamourous but you're doing a great job and I definitely appreciate you sharing your journey.

    Let's celebrate the fact that you're regrouping and that you threw the icing away. . . w00t! w00t!

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  2. Good for you for getting rid of the rest of it.
    This is a long journey, that won't be over, ever...trust me, I know. Trust your heart and trust your friends to pick you up when you stumble. You'll NEVER fall.
    My heart burst with pride on Saturday watching you and hearing that girl gasp and say "she's lost so much weight!"
    You=amazetastic!

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  3. I have trouble with those thoughts every day... I know I've already lost 25-odd kilos, but I know there's another 15 there that need to move as well.
    I still see the same fat person in the mirror.

    Years ago, when I started... I said that when I get to *defined point*, I would stop. It would be enough.
    Trouble is, now that I am at that point... I moved the bloody goals again!

    I have to think of it like reaching one milestone and going further, rather than being depressed that the first milestone wasn't as exciting as I thought...

    You do need to take some time off exercising sometimes. That's why all professional athletes have an off-season.
    Just give yourself a couple of weeks, regroup, thing about that food log, and get back to it. You'll be better than you know in no time!

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  4. I don't know any of the psychology & science behind your journey but are you allowed to have a "fun" weekend (2-4 days) when you've had a "proper" (and obviously successful) 9-12 months? Does it erase the progress you've made or otherwise diminish what you have done? I would hope not! I would think (but certainly not know) that at very worst you could use the weekend to assist in your "re-grouping" efforts when ready.

    Anyway - hope it doesn't get you down too much considering all the success you've created for yourself thus far!

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  5. IAER: W00t w00t indeedy. It's definitely a journey without end. I just need to keep my head facing forward, not backwards.

    Emily: As always, thank you for supporting and loving me. Thank you for being the best wedding date ever as well. I'm learning to let myself need people. I think I had a breakthrough with megan when I was talking about you. The reason why I love you and nancy so much is that i know just how much I trust that you'll never abandon me for superficial reasons. I know I can have faith in your love and friendship. Seriously, hon, that means the world to me. I know I'm not alone.

    Jess: I think part of the thing is that when we set the goal we didn't really have an idea of just how much we were stowing. I thought at 188 I'd be fit and slim. Turns out that it's not the case. I have a ways to go. I don't think I'm disappointed in the effort I've put forth. I'm just exacerbated that it's not enough for where i wanted to be. Yanno?

    Anon: in my mind I don't have "cheat" days, but I think there's a strong aspect of allowing myself to live my life, to not let weightloss/dieting get in the way. If i allow it to get in the way, what is the point? It doesn't erase the progress or diminish my accomplishment. It's just proof of a changed mindset, I guess. You think to yourself "was that slice of ice cream cake really worth it." If I felt diminished I'd say "no, it wasn't worth it." But it really was. The icing on the other hand....

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  6. Moving forward, moving in the right direction, it starts with the 'next choice' you make. Certainly you've heard similar before. The question for you is this; was the choice to throw the rest of the tub of icing out that 'next choice'?

    You've got a great plan, it itself is well organized. You've set yourself up well, very well, for further success. Looking forward to your coming posts reporting you getting it done :-)

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  7. I don't know if it was the "next choice" or the choice i needed to make in that moment.

    Points to ponder as always...

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  8. I think you deserve to give yourself a break to re-coop and rest. You have worked so hard to earn what you've done. Not many people can be as confident as you in what they are doing. You should celebrate not only what you've accomplished physically but how much you've grown mentally. Your a motivator to me every time i read this blog. Sometimes it's more about the journey then the end result

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  9. Seriously, give yourself a break...you look great in the photos.

    I am way off goal weight (100lbs away) and was going through a similar mental ride to the one you describe recently - feeling on top of the world one day and like nothing can stop me and then, out of the blue, i just "have" to indulge my sweet-tooth and feel sorry for myself and have to dig deep and find that motivation all over again. You are not alone in going through this annoying cycle of events.

    You had a little funk, you've got the adjusted plan in your head...now, go get your groove back on again!

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  10. One question - why do you have icing? Keep it out of the cupboards! (or throw it out as you did) 1/4 cup = a few tablespoons. In retrospect, that's not so bad. Forgive yourself and remember to build on the good stuff without dwelling on the negative. :)

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  11. Katie -- I had it at my *gulps* work cupboard (yeah, I ate a large spoonful of white icing at work... where i could be seen stuffing my face) as a leftover from a birthday party. It was just a bad idea in general.

    Phil -- I know I'm not alone. I'm lucky to have a very close friend who lost a bunch of weight and who goes through this cycle as well. I always say that it's hard to lose the fat person mentality... and well, this is the fight. To know that we're okay if we do and we're okay if we dont.

    Stephanie -- Im glad I can be a motivator. I think the one thing I'm most proud of, mentally, is that I don't hide from the things I'm ashamed of. It happened. Move on, yanno?

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  12. That past is over and can't be unchanged. Let go of it and do what you need to do. If once every 9 months or so you eat 1/4 tub of hydrogenated nastiness, it won't undo everything.

    Keep taking care of yourself! :)

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  13. It's like I'm reading my own post! I also had a wedding to go to this weekend, and even though everybody said I looked great, I knew MY GOAL was still a ways away. Now I'm home and munch munch munching. So I just started thinking of my next goal (besides GTD) and I want to be 182 by christmas.

    I totally understand that burned out feeling. Some days are great and I see myself working out and making healthy meals forever. Then other days I just want to be done, and get to eat ice cream every day forever! You can do it, I'm right there with you!

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  14. Lanie: i think it was just a bit of a shock to see the old habits rear their ugly head. I always say "once a fat person always a fat person" -- the same fears and behaviors all lurk right below the surface.

    Mertle: what's it with the munching?!? I don't get it. I know i'm not starving but all I want to do is eat my face off. It's like now that the wedding is over I've taken off my fat pants off, that i'm giving myself a reason to let up subconsciously, but it's not what i consciously want.

    I'm trying not to tie goals to weight -- but I'd like to find a new lifestyle goal and/or get back into the correct mindset.

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  15. I love this post - the honesty, the thoughfulness, the planning!

    I very much like the list of goals for yourself - and especially putting your heart on the line - that was hard for me, but it payed off!

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  16. Sarah: I'm all about organization and planning.
    As for putting my heart on the line...there are fewer and fewer reasons to keep people at a distance. Nothing they can say to me can trump how i feel about myself.

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  17. I HATE that inner voice that runs us down. (I call it my inner dipshit).

    I screw up all the time, but I keep moving forward. That's all any of us can do,just keep moving forward.

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  18. I'm okay with the inner voice. It is okay that it still expresses concern or fear. I just hold it close and let it know that no matter what that I'll be okay.

    Sometimes even the negative voices in our head need love and compassion.

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<3 Robby