So I'm a handful of days until I reach 1,400.
Yep. 1,400 days of being celibate.
Why am I bringing this up? Many of the reasons are still valid:
1. a fear of loving someone and losing them (i.e. my mom) (but I'm very much able to love friends, or love my pets, even with full knowledge that nothing is guaranteed)
2. the fear of being hurt (and not wanting to resort to emotional eating) (but I think I have a handle on 90% of my emotional eating, just need to conquer mindless eating)
3. omg, have you read the STD statistics? (especially 1 in 4 women and 1 in 5 men have HSV-2) (yeah, this is still scary)
4. people in DC my age don't date, they have casual, no-strings-attached, friends-with-benefits relationships which are not relationships at all (I have yet to meet a guy to prove me wrong on this one....)
5. I didn't think I had anything to give (I know I have so much to give, and that I deserve what someone else has to share)
6. I am wary when guys find me attractive (i.e. what do they want from me?) so i come off as hard to get, oblivious, or cold (I'm starting to believe it more, but I'm still wary)
7. guys seem to have a thing against women who live with cats (though Spike and Jack are awesome) (The right guy will know me and my cats are a package deal)
8. I love answering only to myself (It's an amazing shift when you go from wanting to be loved to wanting to do the loving....okay, so I might answer only to myself, but I don't want to anymore)
9. change is fucking scary (change is still scary, but I know how to turn on the lights)
10. I tend to go for men that are "out of my league" (I still go for hot guys, but I don't put myself down around them)
11. guys love to put me in the "just a friend" or "one of the guys" friendzone categories and it's impossible to escape (This happens a lot still, but it's okay. These guys will realize that the best girlfriends are both girls and friends)
However, I think I need to dig a little deeper and put something else onto the table: I am a control freak.
Okay, I knew this, but why is it coming out now? I keep reading more and more people vowing to eliminate something they love out of their diet. They skip the step of being moderate and go with complete elimination. I'm guilty of that as well (anyone remember the Oreos Breakdown of 2010?).
I understand loving something so much that you don't think you could be moderate around it. I can understand temptation.
But shouldn't we have already learned the lesson on how to include the things we love in our diet?
Shouldn't we have learned that forbidding something only makes us want it more?
Shouldn't we have learned to make better choices based on information, not emotion?
You might see what I'm getting at: I treated men and food the same way. They both distracted me from what I was really feeling and/or I used them to feel something other than what I was feeling.
While I feel so much more capable of being able to address my emotions in a straight forward manner without resorting to some parlour magic to make a getaway, I'm still at a loss on how to trust myself to be moderate around a man, especially when feelings like love might get thrown into the mix.
I'm 29 years old. I should have already learned that love is not a moderate emotion. But hey, you learn that from experience, right?