FatGirl vs World

It's so very disheartening to see DietBet's ability to infiltrate the weight loss/health gain community.  People like the idea of getting a cut of the proceeds when they host, people like the idea of splitting the pot, of being in competition.  I understand the psychology behind that.  But I would beg of you to really ask yourself whether weight loss is the only way you could consider yourself succeeding -- or if your success can be measured by other means.

If your success can only be measured by pounds lost, I would then ask "Where is the finish line? Are you sure you'd be happy there?" 

If your success can be measured by other means -- I'd love to hear what metric gets you most excited.

I'm unabashedly stealing this from Roni:  

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

I live in a studio.  I don't have a bedroom door, but I do keep my bathroom door closed because the morning sun will hit the door and go right in my face.

2: Do you take the shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotel?

Only if I really like it.

3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?

I'm with Roni -- I don't sleep with a flat sheet.  Just a fitted sheet, a fleece blanket and a comforter that usually just gets in the way.

4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before?

No. But I'm really bad at returning license plates.

5: Do you like to use Post-It notes?

All the time at work.

6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?

I don't get a paper delivered to me, so I don't run into this too often.

7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?

This question needs more detail.  Depends on the kind of bear.  A large red panda? Bumble bees? Or are we talking pissed off brown bear and killer bees?

8: Do you have freckles?

A few.

9: Do you always smile for pictures?

I will make a crazy face first.  Then I might smile.

In bullet-point format because I'm still in no place to write cohesive thoughts:

1. Wow. That's fucked up. Some people are just horrible, but the perpetrators pale in comparison to all the people that became heroes -- first responders, doctors, nurses, the people that went from the finish line to the hospital to donate blood, people that opened up their homes or gave rides, people that put pressure on wounds, or gave hugs.  We should be like this every day of our lives.
    
2. There is so much love in the running community.  Though it's a competition, ask any runner and they'll say they want every last person to cross the finish line.  It's a reminder that running isn't about the speed or form, it's about the heart that goes into it.
3. I was useless/distracted all afternoon at work.  I came home from work in a daze, did a few chores, and then got into bed with my bear and just cried.  I felt sick to my stomach.  Yes, I'm an emotional, empathic person -- but this just dredged up all of the feelings that I had on 11 Sept 2001, stuck in my dorm room (8 blocks from the White House, with tanks outside) waiting to find out whether all of my family/friends were okay.  I tried to sleep, but I kept hearing the helicopters over downtown DC, the sirens wailing past.  I was overwhelmed by the sense of dread, of wondering why people do this.  All I wanted was silence for both my mind and my heart.
4. The most important thing I could do yesterday (other than finding out about friends that went to run in Boston) was to tell people that I loved them.  That I'm proud to be their friend, their family.  And I'm honored that for some reason, you love/like me. 

So all I want to say is take care of yourselves.... and give care if you can.  Love the people around you -- both people you know and even strangers.  Be a beacon of light.

I love loaning books to friends (except if the book is truly irreplaceable).  More often than not they get returned to me.  In the case of The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex"--I've lost 3 copies to people who have asked to "borrow" it.  It's okay, though.  To loan a book is good karma. 

I'll stop you right there--it's not some racy manual with positions and tricks--it's more about how our views towards sexuality and sensuality are shaped, and how we/our mannerisms are perceived.  The very first exercise that sex therapist Barbara Keesling has you do is to think back into your past and think about all the times you had a sexual or sensual thought/feeling and someone told you that what you thought/felt (something natural) was bad (something loaded with judgment, and no context/explanation).

I was thinking about this a few days ago as it relates to food and even our own growing bodies.  How many times growing up did I hear other people trying to edit what I was eating:  Are you sure you want to eat that slice of pizza?  Is that ice cream worth it?  Wouldn't you rather have a salad?  Worse off was when people tried to warp how I viewed my own body.  (What? I'm not all va va va voom like Jessica Rabbit?) 

Instead of listening to the wisdom of my hunger and satiety, I learned to let the external voices  dictate the relationship between me and my body/mind and my relationship with food.  Instead of being kind to my body, I let other people tell that I should be ashamed of my body and how it was metamorphosing.  Somehow, they were the experts on what it meant to be Robby and I should listen them.  Yeah, it sounds silly now, but I let them steer me off course.   

The whole point of the book's exercise isn't to blame, but to note, forgive, and move on.  How do you move on?  You learn how to turn up the volume on your inner voice and listen to it.  You learn to honor your body at all times.  To go for that run, to wear the shirt that makes you feel sexy, to surround yourself with positive friends/family, etc.  To not go for that run, to wear the shirt that makes you feel warm, to be alone if you need to be, etc. 

It's not like flipping a switch, it's a process that's going to be easy at times and hard others.  But it's worthwhile.  You are worthwhile.  That's what The Epiphany is.  When we're young, it's easy to suffer the outside influences.  As we're older, we need to be able to honor our bodies for the wondrous gifts that they are. 

My Quarter 1 #GoTheDist went well.  When all was said and done, I completed 96% of my 150 mile goal, or 144 miles.  I ran 31 out of 90 days -- and I think this was pretty good considering the 19 days in February when I was dealing with the allergic reaction on my skin, and the 10 days I was dealing with/recovering from the flu (if you're doing the math, that's 29 days or almost a whole month!).

I had one more day to run 6 miles and complete 100% of my goal, but I wanted to prove two points:
(1) that I could still be proud of my effort even if I didn't reach my goal; and
(2) that it wasn't worth injuring myself over.  All-in-all, I think it's fair to say that I'm "on track."

So at Mile 144, I made the conscious decision that 96% was enough and some

My Q2 #GoTheDist goal is 250 miles.  This means I need to run an average of 2.87 miles for the 91 days OR 5 miles on 50/90 days.  Or a little under 85 miles a month.  This is very doable considering I used to run 100-120 miles a month before I injured my neck.  The way I look at the math is that there's plenty of room for balance.

I also want to work on meal planning in Q2.  My dietitian called me a "chaotic grazer" -- that I tend to eat based on moods and availability, not necessarily paying attention to what my body needs.  I'm nowhere near the point where I can be an intuitive eater with any confidence.  I mean, I don't gnaw on the brains of the living, but I don't make meal plans or grocery shopping lists.

As I wrote on Facebook:  Friends remind us of how strong we are, and if we don't feel strong they push us across the finish line. And if we can't do that, they carry us.

While talking to Jess/@HalfofJess yesterday, and we were talking about how if you've ever run, or are a runner, you know exactly what I'm talking about -- the disconnect between your desire for a good run and what your body is doing.  All runners have had a bad run at some point.  There are times when we get half way and want to stop.  Where we're fighting ourselves the whole time.

But once we know that (1) we're not alone and (2) bad runs are a common phenomena, it gives us permission to finish in the time it takes and then try again.

And well, isn't that the moral?  Fall down, get back up?

Last week I wrote about how my life had become a series of drinking events and how I wanted to get a little more variety added in to the mix.  I should have specified "healthy variety."  Because the universe has one helluva sense of humor.


I had a 101º-102º fever Saturday (didn't get to go to ShamrockFest), Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and my fever finally broke on Thursday -- just in time for my lovely house guest -- @HalfofJess (check out her blog) (who like all pandas, was brave in the face of danger)!

(1) In my 31 years on this world, this is the first time I've ever had the flu.

(2) I've never had the flu shot -- and I don't necessarily believe that as an otherwise healthy adult that I should be getting one.  But look, here's some info on the efficacy of this year's shot.

(3) Holy hell.  It felt like my eyeballs were boiling at one point.  For 5 days all I had in terms of calories was Gatorade (mmmhmm orange) and Toaster Strudels.  Don't judge.

(4) I'm still not 100%.  My stomach/digestive system is still a little behind in rebooting itself. But otherwise, I'm feeling much more human than I did a few days ago.

(5) I wonder if my immune system was just compromised because of surgery and then the mysterious skin issue (I have yet to go to an allergist...and yes, Riley, I will be doing that soon).

(6) Between mysterious skin issue and the flu now, and surgery rehab, I've missed 3-4 weeks of running, which means I have 1 week to run 39 miles.  I've done it before, but I don't think it'd be prudent to stress my body to hit an arbitrary goal.  That would be entirely contrary to the GoTheDist 2013 theme of "Rebuild Yourself" -- to not let my body recuperate from a nasty virus.

So it's Friday night -- Jess is going out with friends and I'm going to curl up with a good book, or three, and just try to get my energy up.  Because tomorrow I'm experiencing another blogger influx in the form of a Tweedie! 

Monday:  After running 5 miles at the gym and doing some upper and lower body weights, I got a text from my friend around 7pm.  My friends had an extra ticket to see Dropkick Murphys at the 9:30 Club -- did I want to go? Heck yeah!  I shoved 4 leftover oven-roasted cracked black pepper chicken wings in my mouth and was there by 8.  I had two beers, which is showing a great deal of restraint considering it's an effing Irish band.


Tuesday:  4 miles at the gym, no weights.  [Colleague] couldn't make it to a hockey game with potential client, he gave the tickets to his assistant/my friend and she asked if I'd go with her.   Did I want to go?  Heck yeah! Beers consumed:  5.  My dinner was a delicious mess of chili mac from the Hard Times Cafe vendor.  Though I burned 3264 calories yesterday, I would consider the day as a whole a flop because of the massive pile of carbs and cheese that I inhaled.


Wednesday:  Hoping for a good run at the gym, do some ab and tricep work.  Amazingly, nothing planned tonight.  Will go home, clean up after the whirlwind that tore through my apartment the past few days.

Thursday:  Double Booked!! I'm in charge of hosting a retirement cocktail hour for a colleague.  On the menu: Old Bay spiced corn fried calamari with gribiche sauce; fries with truffle aioli; mini croque monsieur; beef sliders on mini brioche; mushroom, herb, fontina focaccia squares; tuna carpaccio BLT; bacon-wrapped scallops; chicken portabella turnovers.  Oh, and the cake? Chocolate cake, chocolate mousse filling, chocolate ganache on top.  And an open bar.

And then.... dinner with @MerbearMN (blog here) and @Mazzie (blog here) at Bourbon Steak at the Four Seasons in DC.  Take a peek at the menu.  I gained 5 pounds reading it. I will be eating something delicious with something delicious in a wine glass to go with it.

Friday:  One of my closest friends' birthdays is this week, and he decided to celebrate both on his birthday (yesterday) and Friday.  He graciously didn't give me crap for going to the hockey game (though I did stop by the bar where the gathering was (it was on my walking route to the game) to wish him a happy birthday and to give him cupcakes he was supposed to have eaten 3 weeks ago, but that have been living in my freezer).  I'm going to try and be on my very best behavior and stick to seltzer water. 

Saturday:  ShamrockFest.  The weather is supposed to be rainy but warm.  This might put a damper on my willingness to spend all day at an outdoor music festival with a bunch of drunk and rowdy people. But there's going to be good music and food there.  And well, I do not like using Port-a-Potties.  That in-and-of-itself is a very good reason not to drink. So I'm going to focus on the music, the dancing, the fun and not drinking.  Feel free to tweet at me and hold me to my promise.

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The thing is this -- I really do agree with Alton Brown's 4-Lists, and that alcohol is a 1-time a week indulgence: 
This just happens to be a confluence planned and unplanned social events where alcohol is an omnipresent option.

In the past, I have given up alcohol for a few reasons:  (1) because of the medications that I was taking for my back issues (2) in solidarity (3) because of the negative impact it had on my body and workouts (4) I realized that I didn't need to drink to have fun and (5) I realized that I'd rather have quality over quantity most of the time.  In the past, I have also written about alcohol.

Alcoholism/addictive issues runs through the bloodlines on both sides of my family tree.  I used to be a bartender at an Irish Bar in Brooklyn (my dad helped get me the job because I told him that I wanted a skill that would guarantee employment anywhere I landed after college).  I have seen alcoholism up close and personal.  I know that it's not something that I want for myself or my body.

I also know how alcohol impacts my weightloss/health gain and vice versa.  On days where I have exercised, I feel the effects of alcohol much faster.  If I continue to drink, I am less likely to exercise the next day.  This is the main reason that I didn't drink on Friday nights when I was boxing -- burpees are terrible when hungover.

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Sunday:  back to 1 drink a week, but probably after I give my poor liver a break for a week or two...maybe a month.

A long, long time ago, I wrote about "gift wrap": 

So that's the backstory.  What I wanted to write about was gift wrap.  You know when you get someone a gift that you're especially proud of (b/c you know they'll love it and it's just perfect)?  You don't just hand it to them in the bag it came in, but you take the proper time and effort to wrap it nicely, in beautiful paper and maybe a few ribbons.

Well that's exactly how I feel about myself now.  I find myself wearing less black.  I find myself getting frustrated with pants that are too big.  I am wearing more color.  I am buying myself pretty, delicate things with flowers printed on them.  I'm showing off a little here and there (especially my arms).  I'm not skimping on buying things of low quality, or that hide my body in a tent.  I make sure i get pedicures and that my skin is moisturized.  I have almost stopped my obsessive skin picking (or at least greatly reduced it--and that's another mom vs. my body story to tell another day).

In Hamlet, Polonius says "For the apparel oft proclaims the man."  I hope the world is taking notice of what I'm proclaiming.  I hope it translates to "I take good care of myself.  I won't let you treat me badly."

I am gift wrapping myself for the world. And yes, it's because I love myself and I'm my own imperfect perfection.

Yesterday, I had the occasion to put that into practice:

(Dress) (Jacket)

It's so rewarding to be able to put on a dress (size L) and have it fit (that never happens with my boobs).  I never got to be the trendy teenager or even college student.  So it's fun to bring some whimsy into my life at this point.

I'm wearing this dress to work today with the jacket, leggins, and knee-high boots.  If 16 year-old Robby could see me now!

A few weeks ago, my friend Karen (@KCLAnderson) posted an article about the "thigh gap" obsession among young women. My reaction? I posted this photo and caption to my FGvW Facebook:

I will never have a "thigh gap."
I will also never have a complex amount having a thigh gap.
*gasps* who knew a person whose thighs touched could be so happy, healthy, and strong?

The only reason I could feel this way was because I had read a book about Crystal Renn, a model who had gone from super skinny and sick to "plus size" and happy (and then back down again, but not as severely).  She and I are both 5'9" and she had to whither away to 98 lbs before her thigh gap appeared.  I decided then and there that this "goal" was (1) unrealistic (2) artificially created in my head and (3) unhealthy.  I would never put my overall health at risk for an aesthetic goal.  In this case, I'd just have to stock up on BodyGlide.

It's our fault, though.

If you've been following me for any amount of time, you know that I often talk about body image and how we've surrendered to the external voices telling us how we should look and be.  Our internal voice has been muted to the point we begin to espouse all these bizarre standards that other people (media, fashion, fitness world, doctors) say we should be aiming for.  We forget that our bodies should be as diverse and strong as our personalities. 

As a society, we've let other people tell us what is fashionable (designers, models, magazine editors), what is considered beautiful (artists), or even what is considered healthy (ahem, USDA and FDA, I'm looking at you).  We've relied on the expertise (?) of other people who claim to be more "in the know" or more educated.  The result is we've done horrible things to our bodies (foot binding, extreme corseting, flattening our heads, stretching our necks) that go beyond aesthetics and lasting effects on our health and wellbeing.  It's easy to look at those examples and think "that's crazy and extreme" all the while completely ignoring some of the things considered "normal" and "healthy" in this current society.  One day, future generations will laugh at us because we thought it was fashionable to starve ourselves to the point our thighs didn't touch, or to get an operation that would take care of that for us. 


I titled this post "War! What is it good for!? Absolutely nothing.  Sing it again." because we (men and women) seem to be at war with our minds and our bodies.  We see our minds/bodies as something that need to be controlled and subjugated.  I don't think a single person (even myself) is immune to this way of thinking (whether it be pervasive or in passing).  "Diet" is no longer what we chew in order to survive, but it's how we think and feel about what we put into our mouth.  "Exercise" is no longer about expressing the brilliance of our bodies, but more so about what we need to overcome in order to be what we want to become.  "Wellness" isn't about the joy we reap and sow, but the weeds we've pulled.  The war is about how we see ourselves in negative terms.  

There are so many people in my life -- blogs, Twitter, "in real life" -- who have achieved such great mental, physical, and emotional strength feats, and yet they are still at war with their bodies and their perceptions of themselves.  They are never satisfied with where they are (Point A) because they think they need to be somewhere else (Point B).  So I ask, "what is it good for?"   

What good is any of this if the result isn't an abundance of love for our bodies and joy in our life in this moment? 

What good is any of this if we don't feel satisfaction and appreciation for who we are and what we look like at this moment, even if it's imperfect according to other peoples' standards? 

Because folks, in my humble opinion, the way to win the war is to give your inner voice a megaphone, a soapbox, and one clear message... 

Original photo, Getty Images.

Decide to end the war.  Stick up for yourself.  See the beauty of what it means to be you at this very moment.  Celebrate it.  Embrace it.  Shout it from the mountain tops.  But more importantly, believe it.

Because if you truly believe that you're absolutely wonderful and complete in this moment, you silence all those external voices that want to think you're not enough, that want you to buy into their version of beauty and health, that want to hold you and your life hostage.

And sometimes you'll think to yourself "well, I'm not who I want to be" -- and that's okay.  I go through that all the time.  My only advice about that is to zero in on the motivation behind that statement.  For me, I'm not who I want to be because the things I want to change represent a great sadness in my life.  And I'm not sad anymore.  I want my mind and body to reflect my joyful heart.