FatGirl vs World



flickr/squeezymoose

If you've ever been to the eye doctor, you're familiar with the contraption on the left.  Even if you've had the same prescription for the past 10 years, you still have to go through the motions of verifying the prescription.

The doctor sits you down, and you look through it to a far wall with some letters on it.  The doctor then selects different lenses and asks you to compare whether the first one was better/clearer or the second one.

Through this process, you and the eye doctor narrow down the choices as to which lenses suit you best for how your vision is at the current moment.

Which brings us to this....


Sometimes I need to take on a different lens.  Sometimes when I sense critical feelings welling up inside of me (such as when I'm looking at my stomach/abdomen), I try to change the lens.  Sometimes it's through the eyes of a photographer or artist, sometimes it's the eyes of a lover (real or imagined).  The point is that we are not only our own worst critic, but we also look at ourselves/scrutinize ourselves much more closely than anyone else.  By imagining someone else looking at us, we take a step back.  It's an issue of perspective more than anything else.


that got me thinking about a quote from Michaelangelo (who unfortunately doesn't have a verified twitter account): 

“In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it.”

Well... isn't that we're all doing in regards to weightloss/healthgain? In our heart of hearts, we see the person that is trapped behind the fat (in another tweet over the weekend I said "Too bad I can't make my fat do the workouts and let the rest of my body relax. Excess body fat is a hostage taker.").  Just like a statue is imprisoned by the marble around it, our healthy selves are imprisoned by the fat around it. 

Stephen is right -- we are each sculptors and artists and it's our duty to liberate the art that is our true self, if not to add beauty and joy to the world, but to liberate the person stuck inside.

This really pisses me off:

"I know that I needed help to lose weight and I wrote to Dr. Phil, Oprah, Dr. Oz, and nobody would hear me or respond, so I decided to get in contact with Guiness Book of World Records.  And I thought I am already this size, so I might as well take advantage of it to get my story out there.... so I could get some weight loss help."  

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

I need to take a deep breath here because there are so many things going through my head:

1. This isn't the first person who has felt the need to gain more weight to get help.  I've heard many stories of people trying to GAIN weight so they qualify for a weight loss surgery.  This is so effing backwards.  In my opinion, health insurance companies should not pay for weight loss surgery unless it is the only chance of saving someone's life (i.e., they are in dire straits and will die if the surgery is not done immediately).  If a person is able to exercise and go on a diet, they should.  I'm not talking about the gimmicky diets or the "I walk to my couch" exercise routine, but serious concerted effort.  Sadly, most health insurances don't cover dietitians or gym memberships/trainers.  People don't turn to Overeaters Anonymous, or ther similar support groups, such as Weight Watchers, out of fear or shame.  If someone were to break their back in an accident, insurance would pay for the rehab to help them learn to walk again. Most obese people need to re-learn how to cook, eat, exercise and live.  Why isn't this considered rehab?

2. It's a sad state of affairs that people are using morbid obesity to (a) win money or (b) get fame/attention.  What's more unforuntate is that the public is so willing to eat up these stories.  I'm even guilty of it myself after having watched Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition, The Biggest Loser, Heavy, Losing It, etc.  We like the stories of dramatic change even when it's not a healthy way to go about that change.

3. Dr. Phil, Oprah, and Dr. Oz were right to turn her away (if that is what she did) as she doesn't seem to be sincere in the least.  If she had the epiphany, she would realize that no one other than herself is (1) in her way of succeeding or (2) the key to her success.  If she truly wanted to lose the weight at any point in her life, she would have found a way.  But right now, the addiction to food is way more important to her than her health.... Which brings me to...

4. What this woman needs most is a PSYCHOLOGIST to figure out why she wants the attention, why she's a compulsive eater, and how that is all related.  Whether she recognizes it or not, it is related.  I hope Dr. Drew is able to refer her to an addiction counselor/psychologist who can work with her on a long-term basis. 

5. In my opinion and my experience, I belive that you don't get to choose your addiction (alcohol, drugs, food, Angry Birds), it chooses you.  But at some point you get Stockholm Syndrome and sympathize with your addiction/captor more than you are fighting it.  The addiction is most dangerous when you stop fighting it.  Resigning to your addiction and saying "this is just the way I am and always will be" is not the same as surrendering to it and saying "it is stronger than I am."  If you surrender, you are willing and able to get help.  If you are resigned, you don't think any help (diet, exercise, therapy, etc.) will ever work.

6.  When in doubt, send in Richard Simmons.  I think he may be the original Honey Badger.  Richard Simmons don't care how big you are. Richard Simmons don't care how long you've been fat.  Richard Simmons knows you can shake your tush and break the cycle of bad eating.

Very interesting video.

Thoughts?

The very first time I remember eating yogurt I was at Southside Hospital on Long Island.  My grandmother had just had a stroke and was being treated.  The yogurt was at the hospital's cafeteria.

I think it was plain, or even peach, I'm not sure which (I was 7 or so) but I ate it begrudgingly.  From that point on, any time I'd see yogurt or think "hmm I should eat this" -- I tasted the stale antiseptic chemicals from the hospital.  I just couldn't do it.

In 2002/2003ish, I got a new roommate (Katie) who introduced me to lots of different kinds of food.  Among those foods was Indian food and I instantly fell in love.  I never knew beans could taste so good (my mom would only make Campbell's Pork & Beans-- with maple syrup, brown sugar, pineapple or sometimes marshmallows).  I fell in love with the heat and texture of the food.

One of the things I couldn't get enough of was raita (a yogurt sauce that is similar to Greek tzatziki or Persian mast-o kheyar).  I couldn't believe what I was tasting.  It wasn't sweet, but it was savory.  It wasn't chalky, but it was sensuously palatable.  I realized that I didn't hate yogurt, I just didn't like certain kinds -- i.e., the overly sweet kinds with artificial flavorings.  In other words, I actually liked the yogurt but hated the things that masked its goodness.

I started playing around with yogurt -- sometimes straining out the whey (which I now know is bad, because that's where the nutrients live) and making a "cheese" spread, or adding spices, adding in fresh fruit or cereals.  I started trying different brands and figuring out what I liked instead of thinking I was going to have the same bad experience that I had the first time.

Yogurt (namely Chobani (raspberry, lemon, and mango are my favorites), but sometimes I stray to other kinds) is now a staple of my diet.  I eat it almost every day.  The daily ritual of eating my yogurt with breakfast (as it is my favorite way to get the protein that I need) always reminds me of how (1) food prejudices aren't always logical, (2) taste changes over time, and (3) that you can't lump all products together.

Go figure, right?

You know, someone asked me very early on "so... you just trust people to report their #GoTheDist numbers accurately?" 

Of course I do.
Why?
(1) I'm a very trusting person (and I try to surround myself with trustworthy people); and
(2) I'm not the one they're screwing if they artificially inflate their numbers.

Same goes for food logging -- who do you screw if you over/under report your calorie intake? It's not me. It's not your doctor, your trainer, or your dietitian.  It's YOU.

But trust me when I tell you this:  it's okay if you don't have the best workout or eat a little too much.  Pay attention to the trends. Pay attention to how you feel.  And then LEARN.  Put it in the context of "when I do ______________, I feel _____________."

When I run 5 miles, I feel awesome.
When I eat over my calorie target, I feel guilty when it's junk food.
When I look at the day as a whole, I feel confident that I can do better tomorrow.

This is how you go the distance-- small little steps and mental adjustments that add up piece by piece.

I really can't introduce this in any other way than repeating that this is the story I'm always trying to tell (and never seem to get right) as well as the hardest story I have to tell:

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August #GoTheDist

For me it was an unfocused personal mess... Though I didn't meet either of my exercise targets and gained 5lbs, I achieved the theme of celebrating.  Between my birthday, my brother's wedding, my dad's birthday, a few other birthdays in the family and among friends, I definitely had lots of joy in my life (as well as some frustration for added contrast).

For some people it was yet another victorious month (how do YOU define it?).  Congrats to @Bambi_P, @OfftheDlistM, @phatteri, @x_factor, @dubyawife, and @siobhanmpalmer who all either reached their targets, or got really effing close.  Kudos to those who suck with it and put forth some noble effort.

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September #GoTheDist



<a href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Ap5ByzNXXC9NdERtU1ZaUktmbGVicVllUEhWOFpfV2c#gid=0"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyExc2LnLgRUIrIQrukXkvVMzir_LKlCqy_wIQ68bJe4KuenAFrOF__KWqyzhSFzJCUcXAK15lcQdcVtgbTRBVdCzL2K5shcXop4afSmxTjnOMemFklLTyABU5jbXkxs7SpPk6ntdMcUw/s320/buddha.jpg" height="300" border="0"></a>
One of the recent themes of my blog/life has been failure and truth as well as how they relate to each other.  As usual when I'm feeling down, I turn to The Buddha, or Buddhist texts for some insight.  Why is this?  Look at the Dalai Lama, Thich Nhat Hanh, or even the new guy, the Karmapa Lama:  they seem to witness so much suffering in their own personal lives or those of their countrymen and peers and yet they find a way to smile from the very depths of their hearts. I figure they know something.  And I want to know what they know.

It becomes almost circular at some point with Buddhism.  For all of the teachings, for all of the teachers, there is an intrinsic sense of truth that cannot be coerced into being.  It blossoms with time and experience, knowledge and examination, patience and curiosity.  It's what some people call faith, some call noumenon.  Just one day it arrives and yet it had always been there.

So for September's theme, my question is "What is your personal truth; what is true to you today?" It doesn't have to be deep or serious, but it does have to be genuine. How can you (further) bring sincerity and truth into your weightloss/healthgain/fitness/life journey? Borrow a truth if you need one, or need some inspiration.

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How to Join:

1. Click on the SUMMARY PAGE (bookmarking it would be a good idea as you will be using it often).

2. Fill out the next available line on the "Summary" spreadsheet (do not use Columns F or G, J or K -- they will automatically calculate once link your sheet).

3. **CREATE YOUR INDIVIDUAL PAGE** (This is a NEW step. Duplicate the "Participant Sheet." If you're comfortable working in spreadsheets you can edit it where it should repeat your personal information. The formula line will look something like "=Summary!A2" -- replace the 2 with whatever line you are on the summary spreadsheet. For =Summary!B2 do the same, etc.).

4. Rename the tab "@[twitter name]" or if you don't have Twitter "[nickname]"  (If you want to link your page back to summary spreadsheet, go for it.  It's a huge help. Column F will look like this (minus the brackets):  ='[your tab name]'!D43  Column J will look like this (minus the brackets):  ='[your tab name]'!E43)

5. Fill out the sheet as you wish.

6. Update your own individual page as needed (if tracking is too hard, consider printing out your page and filling it out by hand and updating it online once a week). The total mileage will automatically be updated on the Summary tab as you report on your individual page.

7. Follow #GoTheDist on Twitter for support if you need it or to support others when they do, to announce achievements, and find new/old friends!

8. PLEASE DO NOT DELETE LINES OR TABS! Do not SORT.  If you want to add columns, please add them to the RIGHT of the page.  Please do NOT move your page around! You CAN bookmark your individual page using your browser to find it easily.

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I'm also quite happy to see how #GoTheDist and #MeFirst can work hand-in-hand.  Consider taking the #MeFirst pledge!

So grab your #GoTheDist buttons, use the hash tags for each month, and get out there! We're all behind you!

At the end of the month consider answering these questions:

• How do you think you did over the course of the month?  
• Did you overestimate or underestimate your capabilities?  Why is this?  Is this representative of a larger trend in your life?
• Did you learn anything about yourself while doing this? 
• Can you apply what you've learned in ##GoTheDist somewhere else in your life? 
• Did you make any new friends through #GoTheDist -- were you able to support each other?
• What was the hardest part of the challenge?  (physical? mental/psychological?)
• What do you think you did really well this month? (doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
• What do you think you could improve on? (again, doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
• No matter the numbers you already entered, are you going to finish strong, or taper off? 
• Did you go the distance? And no, I don't mean did you hit 100% of your goal... did you put yourself out there and really try for it?  Is 80% still something you can be proud of?

I've said before that I don't think anyone got overweight/obese by being blissfully happy with their life.  But I don't think I've really gone in to the corollary to that -- which is that many people who are overweight/obese are unhappy and don't own up to it.  Rather than admitting and living through their unhappiness, they stuff it down.

So it's with that in mind that I want to say two things, in reverse order:

1. Thank you and I appreciate it.
2. But if I'm going through a funk, it doesn't necessarily mean I've given in, or that I need rescue.

Ask anyone who has successfully lost the weight and kept it off:  in order to be successful with this battle, you need to be familiar with your emotions.  You don't need to spill your guts all over the internet, but you need to be on a first name basis with the negative emotions you (most of us) were trying to bury with food.

It's healthy to say "I'M ANGRY" or "I'M FRUSTRATED."  It's even healthy to say "I FEEL A LITTLE LOST."  It doesn't mean you've given up, doesn't mean you're failing.  Just means you know where you are.

And in order to climb out of the pit of despair (as it feels sometimes) you need to be able to take the first step and call a spade a spade.  And then climb.  And climb some more.

Like I said in a previous entry, "Here, I very clearly understood that all emotions (not just anger, and not just the positive emotions) have their place, have their time, and have their own needs."  So when I'm expressing frustration, anger, feeling lost, etc., I don't need a "cheer up" or "you're doing well," I need to hear "ain't it a bitch" or "I've been there."  Remind me that saying the words STAGNATION or WISHY WASHY, or UNFOCUSED are ways of naming what I feel, and it's better than running to the refrigerator.

Worry more if I say "don't worry, I'm fine" or "it's okay, I don't want to talk about it."  That means I'm shutting down and giving in.

I haven't done that yet, now, have I?

Thank you (1) Glamour's Twitter feed and (2) Emily Ley:


<a href="http://emilyleypaper.com/2011/06/21/grace-not-perfection/"> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlfbYVd4z6YeYvGctBckLF8knFPE5ViWdjo7zUtTd3XIiqW68tI7P5B5jRaRQtjxn7nHyMdjdv3UPsvO5hlI_AiXvFcwTe8pfMYk4eKZdR4GzVlZ58mEbfzmjlenE0zQykns_rPKGnDDw/s640/GRACE_Pool.jpg" height="300" border="0"></a>

This post must seem odd coming off the heels of being nominated as one of the Top 50 Most Inspirational Healthy Tweeps, but I feel like a Big Fat Failure.

I'm not being falsely modest or humble, I'm just calling it like I see it.
Why do I feel like a failure?  Well for starters I'm sitting here writing this post while eating Cheetos (something I haven't done in almost a year) out of a bowl as if it were cereal.  But that's not really it.

Reason 1:  My Big Brother's Wedding

This isn't one of my normal "woe is me" rants in which I vent about being single. 

I felt like a Big Fat Failure because, without singling anyone out, my family's health isn't the best.  There used to be a time when we were active as a family, playing football in the yard, basketball, or even t-ball (with Catholic families it's easy to side two teams).  But now? Not so much.  We've slowed down a bit and enjoy good food/drinks too much/too often.

It just struck me while at my brother's wedding:  how on earth can I be an inspiration to anyone else (hello internets!) if I can't get my own family on the right path towards health and away from all the co-morbidity factors associated with being overweight/obese. 

There's no doubt that they notice the change in me but I don't think it's enough.  They know I've lost the weight, but they didn't see it happen in real time.  Sadly, I'm 250 miles away, too far to show them (by example) the day-to-day business of being more active and managing intake.  You can't really discuss weight loss and healthy lifestyles once or twice a year over Thanksgiving dinner or at a funeral, can you?

Still, how can I possibly say I love my family members if I'm standing idly by while they are living such unhealthy lives?  That first starts with making a judgment:  "You are unhealthy."  That never flies too well among family, does it?  I'd intervene if I saw a family member with a drug or alcohol problem, but it's almost verboten to not talk about how many of my family members are overweight and inactive.  And then secondly, how can one of the babies of the family convince the elders that I know better? ...that I can help them?

For right now the only answer I know is to be (1) present in their lives (2) honest about what losing the weight has done for me and (3) honest about my fears of losing them to preventable diseases associated with obesity.

Reason 2:  Willful Stagnation

I've only marked off two of the goals I wrote down at the beginning of the year.  The one that is bothering me most is "see what 185 looks & feels like."  Why?  Because at the beginning of last November, I was 188.  185 was 3 measly pounds away.  I'm around 192 again.  I say "around" because I think that's what I am (because that's when I fit into size 12 pants and the size 12 still fit) but I haven't bit the bullet and mounted the scale.

Now, I know I'm active and that I shouldn't look at the scale to judge my progress, but I should look at my actions to judge my progress.  Well.... those aren't good either.  I'm not exercising as consistently as I was back then.  I'm not hitting my #GoTheDist targets.  I'm not food logging.  I'm seeing some of my trigger foods creep back into my life.  I'm seeing my focus wane.

I know part of that is that I've been battling some recurring injuries -- my back (as always) has been giving me some crap from boxing, my knee (from running), and my shoulder (that was new!).  I find it hard to have that much mental fortitude all the time with everything else going on in my life.  The problem was that I saw it as a "get out of gym free" card.   Not exercising because you're actually injured is a good reason to abstain from exercise, but not exercising because you've lost momentum or are afraid of re-injury is really the wimp's way out.

If you've ever met me, you know I'm not a wimp.  But I'm a Big Fat Failure because I've let everything else get in the way of what I *know* to be something I want:  to live a healthy, long, active life.  I'm a Big Fat Failure because from the outside looking in, it looks like I've given up.

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I know both of these things really fall under "Tend to Your Own Garden" theme-- e.g. work on your own life before trying to help/fix other people -- but, the thing is this:  time and time again, I've come to realize that admitting my faults, showing my struggle, and renewing my resolve to fight is how I tend my garden.  

[I contemplated a cheesy line about you all being my flowers, but you're all a bit more badass than that.]

I'm surprised that i haven't blogged about this before, but one of my favorite phrases is "Even on your worst day, you can be someone's hero."  It's a double-edged phrase:  (1) don't beat yourself up for being imperfect and (2) you still have value to share with other people.

The news of having to rehab yet another body part put me in a bit of a bit of a tailspin (I have many of those) and I had a few bad days of pain/soreness, and then feeling sorry for myself when I got an envelope in the mail.  Jack Sh!t had asked me for my address and for my willingness to participate in a secret project.  With such vague details I thought to myself, "only good can come of this."  It never crossed my mind that it could be all a part of some nefarious kitchen experiment.  But no, he had to go and do something sweet, humbling, and meaningful.  That envelope arrived on a day when I felt like I was a failure as a blogger, a failure as someone looking to improve their heath and wellbeing, and when I was feeling the impending doom of turning 30.

If you go all the way to the bottom of his "Putting It All Together" post, you'll see a photo of little ol me:


"The Fighting Spirit of Robby at FatGirlvsWorld" Gawww.... shucks, Jack....

That little index card is now in a place where I see it every day.  It reminds me that other people see how much I fight for myself.  It reminds me that people that I love and respect see that I don't give up or give in when things get tough.  Truth is that sometimes I feel like I can't live up to the SuperHero image I've created for myself.  But the thing is most SuperHeroes are human in one way or another (either in their secret identity or their foibles).  The humanity is what we identify with most.  If Jack Sh!t has taught me anything, it has been that (much like Cyrano) laughing at yourself doesn't have to be self-deprecating and debasing, sometimes if you laugh at yourself it means you love yourself beyond compare with a full, but light heart.  Being joyful and silly can help restore us even on our worst days.