FatGirl vs World

Yes, I am posting this picture again.

I need to be reminded of both points:  (1) I will be okay; (2) just keep swimming.

If that doesn't work, I'll go with other pieces of advice/truisms:

(1) it's always darkest before the dawn
(2) a still-more glorious dawn awaits
(3) Hang On
(4) Hold On
(5) Walk On

I don't really want to talk about the particulars of why I've been in a funk as it is both personal and pending/in-progress.  I did, however, want to touch on how what's going on currently is a reminder of the past, and how it relates to my weight loss/health gain journey.

When my mom died, I was a petulant teenager (e.g., raging bitch).  I would yell to be heard, fight to be acknowledged, and was rather unpleasant to be around.  My mood set the temperature of any room I was in.  The person that bore the brunt of my maladjusted attitude was my father, mainly because we were very similar in our temperament, but also because he was the only one there.  This past Mother's Day I reflected on the nature of our current relationship:  "It has taken many years for my dad and I to have the kind of relationship that we both wanted -- honest, supportive, loving -- and it was only possible because of two things: (1) the honest belief that no matter what we loved each other (even if we were mad, even if there was a difference in opinion) and (2) the willingness to keep on talking through whatever was going on (versus running away or shutting down)."

Over the years I've learned that yelling doesn't get you heard, fighting doesn't make you strong, and that it is much easier to be pleasant than suffer the ill effects of being angry all the time (as you cannot give your anger to someone else to deal with).  I try to be as mellow and agreeable as possible because it makes things easier on me (less agita).  And I've learned what I mentioned above:  that with love anything can be resolved so long as each person remains present and engaged.

I've also learned a few other rules, my favorite being "fight fair" -- i.e. do NOT throw the kitchen sink at someone, be constructive, be flexible, give up grudges and aim for forgiveness/resolution.  It's not always perfect, and not everyone plays by the same rules.  But I try to play by the same rules regardless of how other people are acting.

Also, I think it's important to determine the kind of relationship you want to have with people and then every action, every thought, every word needs to be a reflection of how you want the relationship to be as a whole.  When a car starts to swerve, the rule is to steer in the direction you want to go. It's not really the same as the whole "fake it 'til you make it" idea, but it's close.  Aim where you want to be and then progressively move in that direction.

When it comes to being in relationships with other people, I think it's important to remember that most people are not mind readers and it's unfair to ask them to be.  Each person is capable of asking meaningful questions and giving forthright/sincere responses.  And if you have a need that is not being a met, find a way to constructively address it.  It's not a perfect system, but sometimes perfection is overrated and progress is too often overlooked.

I learned long ago that if your boat has capsized and you're in the ocean, you tire yourself out faster if you are treading water/expending your energy to swim, versus doing the survival/dead man's float; relaxing your body and focusing on what's essential -- breathing and keeping your head above water.**  The survival float works with the waves, instead of against them. So I'm going to try and calm the fuck down, and just focus on what I need to be doing.  I'm going to try and not worry about all the extraneous stuff that's going on.  I'm not going to worry about making lemonade.  I'm not going to try and save anyone else. I'm going to wait for a friendly dolphin to give me a lift to shore.

So how does this relate to weight loss/health gain?  Ever consider that you are in a relationship with yourself?  How much maintenance do you do on this relationship to truly make sure it is a positive and nurturing relationship?  I'm not trying to sound all sentimental or heady here, but I just mean it in a simple way:  how do you check in with yourself to make sure that you're okay, on course, and that you are satisfied with the life you are leading?  Are you working with the life you have, or against it? Are you fighting the waves and exhausting yourself?

Just keep swimming floating...

[[**Edit -i It's apparent that I need to explain this a little bit better:
Say it's the middle of a cloudy night and the boat you are on capsizes.  Swimming to clear the sinking boat leaves you exhausted, without any navigation equipment, and no idea where you are.  You didn't even have time to get a SOS out.  At this point, it would be a dire mistake to start swimming, as you might not pick the right direction (the rising sun will help you orient yourself).  Floating is your best chance to survive at this point.  Conserve your energy, get your bearings, keep your head above water.  Doing this goes against almost every instinct you have, but it will get you through the night.  It's not necessarily waiting for rescue (but if the dolphins do show up, don't be so proud to not take their help, unless they're really sharks); it's about surviving the night when the only option is survive or perish.]]

This isn't my first motherless Mother's Day.

If you've been reading my blog, you know my paternal grandmother died long before I was born (in 1957), my maternal grandmother (Nana) died in 1989, my mother died in 1994, and my dad's stepmother (Ma) died at the end of last March.  March-to-May was just too quick to really process the feeling of being completely motherless (though I have many women in my life who I consider motherly influences).

If you know a woman, any woman, you know they have specific preferences about everything -- from the way their bed is made, to the way their clothes are folded, to what they eat, and especially what they wear.  Each of the women I knew had their favorite perfume (that would sometimes change at times):

My mom's Elizabeth Taylor, Passion

My mom would sometimes enjoy Jontue

Growing up, my first real perfume was Chanel No. 5, which my father bought me for one Christmas.  I liked the way it smelled out of the bottle, but hated the way it smelled on me.  Over the years I would wear many alcohol-based scents from Bath & Body Works, or Victoria's Secret.

It wasn't until I found Burberry, London that I found a scent that I could say smelled like me, smelled like how I felt inside ("In this floral-fresh scent, gentle top notes of rose and honeysuckle are balanced by deeper heart notes of tiare flower, jasmine and peony and a hint of fresh clementine zest. Solar notes of sandalwood, musk and patchouli impart a subtle warmth to create a inspiring fragrance.").  It was sexy and innocent all at the same time.  It was more expensive than the $10 stuff I was purchasing in the past, but it was worth having a scent that declared who I was.

I've been wearing Burberry London for the past few years.

That is until I felt something changing within me -- I was becoming sensual, strong, and confident.  Either I could pick a scent that was just as sensual, strong, and confident or I could pick a scent that would compliment that feeling, and take a back seat to it.

Before I went to Mexico, I went to Sephora and got three samples -- Cartier Le Lune, Tocca Florence, and Stella McCartney's Stella.  In Stella, I found what I was looking for -- a scent that honored my past, present and future (I know this sounds corny):  "A fragrance based on the contrast between the freshness and softness of the rose, and the dark sensuality of amber, Stella is a sophisticated scent focused on an intense sense of femininity.")

I know it's silly -- but they say that olfactory is our strongest sense memory.  For example, try and remember Thanksgiving and I'm willing to bet you're smelling the turkey in the oven, maybe some pie, stuffing and other scents.  I've always been able to remember my mother through scent -- warm summer days in the backyard with lilac wafting around us, the smell of the roses she loved through my bedroom window.  I can remember my grandmother mainly from the scent of Dove Pink and peach pancakes. 

Who knows, maybe some day someone will remember me by the scent I wear and leave behind.  So I purchased the Stella McCartney -- even though it is much more expensive than my $10 body sprays.  I think it's worth it, and I know I'm worth it.

First, a word about the gentleman on the left:  Randolph Kennedy (his personal training site: http://www.rescueworkout.com/).  His LA boxing bio cites his certifications, boxing pedigree (learning from  Olympic Gold Medalist Charles E. Mooney), and personal philosophy, "our outward appearance is a direct reflection of how we feel inside."  It also mentions that he teaches a wide age range of students.  What it neglects to spell out is that he is remarkably knowledgeable about boxing, infinitely patient (you have to be with me), and capable of wrangling a class full of people at different experience levels. 

If you are interested in learning a new sport, like boxing, I think it's important to find a teacher like Randolph.  You can go to a cardio boxing class or TaeBo and learn to mimic/approximate boxing, but it's just not the same as learning the actual fighting discipline.  Boxing is a rigorous sport and has a very specific movements attributed to it.  Randolph is able to watch you and diagnose your movement.  He helps correct you on the spot (so you don't hurt yourself or don't get hurt) and builds not only your knowledge, but your confidence.

What I like best about Randolph is that he doesn't sell anyone short.  If you're doing something wrong, he'll guide you into figuring it out for yourself versus bringing you down a peg.  For example, during my first class with him a few weeks ago he told me to throw a jab and I stupidly threw a cross and he said "Try that jab again."  I threw another cross before the little light bulb in my head went off and then I threw a proper jab.  He smiled and said "ah, you figured it out."  Gradually our bodies will catch up to our minds. 

Okay... back to the subject line:  the first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club.

Luckily, the LA Boxing Technique class/sparring technique class is not bloodsport.  In this class, not only are we learning from Randolph, but we learn a great deal from each other (and the other trainers that are often in the gym during the class who will step in and offer help, such as Ed (see photo below)).  There are people who are more experienced than others, and even the inexperienced people are able to offer up feedback and ask questions that the more experienced people can learn from. 

When we practice with/spar with each other, there is a great deal of control and trust between each member of the class.  Our aim is not to hurt each other, but to improve our technique, movement, and timing both offensively and defensively.  I just really want to make that clear as some people say that they are not interested in hurting other people.  Well, neither are we.  That's what protective gear is for (or if someone isn't wearing protective gear, you use control/discretion and leave it for the heavy bag).

I wanted to introduce you, by way of photos, to some of my classmates (some classmates left before I could get my camera out and/or didn't want their photo taken).  Some know about the blog, some don't (but hopefully they'll be checking our their photos **waves**)--but just about everyone in the class agrees with me with the assessment I made in my last LA Boxing post (which I am now making the first rule of my fight club/New Rule #7:   your size, shape, age, gender, or experience level doesn't matter as much as your focus, determination, and heart when it comes to the boxing gym.  What matters most is that when you are in the gym you are 100% committed to learning and trying your very best, whatever your best may be on any given day.

Our class meets Mondays and Wednesdays -- but there seems to be a regular cast of characters.  I'd like to thank them all for being a part of my fitness journey: 

Ed and Jessica, who were both quoted in the previous LA Boxing Post

Though these ladies know how to punch, Alex is in no real danger.

Kim, Alex, Tessa.

What are you doing to live deeper, live healthier, and live happier? Are the connections you're making with the people around you furthering your goals?

---

Recap
LA Boxing Post 1:  The Risks and Rewards of Change
LA Boxing Post 2:  Showing Up
LA Boxing Post 3:  Finding Your Fight
LA Boxing Post 4:  Belonging
LA Boxing Post 5:  Fight or Flight
LA Boxing Post 6:  Finding your Fight: The Class -- Reporting In 
LA Boxing Post 7:  One of Us

Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.

~ Paul Tillich

Did you know that "lonely" was one of the many words seemingly coined by Shakespeare?

Now, this might come as a shock to some of you, but for as bright and bubbly as I can be, for as much of a social butterfly as I can be, I'm actually very much a lone wolf kitteh.   At times this is exactly what I want, and at other times it is excruciatingly painful.

If you've met me in person, you know I'm warm and affectionate (I give good hug) and a laugh riot social instigator.  However, if you've known me for a while, you've seen me in my quieter moments.  In those moments, I appear either distracted, disconnected, or deep in thought.  Sometimes I'm just observing life.  Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by it.

It's odd to be both very social and very asocial at the same time.  I don't know which one is my nature and which one is what I've learned to be out of necessity.  Ultimately I think I am social, but scarred and imperfect.  My instinct is to be social, but I am often awkward and say the wrong things, then retreat into my shell.

Growing up, I experienced inclusion and (intentional/unintentional) exclusion/rejection from my peers.  My father (in the guise of offering advice) told me that no one would be my friend if I acted "that way" (argumentative, opinionated) around them.  He wanted me to be a bit more moderate/agreeable but what I heard was that I needed to abandon myself in order to please people. That never sat well with me.  I was argumentative (I knew the difference between debate and fight) and opinionated.  I didn't attack people, but I stood my ground.  I didn't want to be friends with people that were pushovers.  I wanted them to respond and be just as forceful as I was (sometimes a category 5 hurricane).

I also realize now that I stayed close to home because of my agorophobe mother (who was not only afraid to go out into the world herself, but was fearful for her kids as well; luckily I do not have agorophobia like my mother and her mother before her) and lawyer father (who saw the very worst of humanity -- murderers, rapists, child abusers, etc.).  I began using the internet at a young age (11 or so) and spent more time learning how to be social on IRC and aol.com than building connections with actual people.

[[Edit:  My mom died when I was 13.  I instantly felt that I was different because of this -- burdened with a sense of responsibility and seriousness from that moment on that would forcefully separate me from childhood.  There was a lot of anger coupled with this.  While other kids were able to play and go to their activities, I was doing my laundry, cooking dinner, cleaning house, and trying to make time for my father to do things with us (that he never did).]]

In college, I was more content to wander the streets of Washington, DC at night than to actually participate in the life that was there for the taking (except for that brief foray into the intramural indoor soccer club).  Years later, I find myself doing the same.  I'm comfortable sitting at a bar by myself, on a park bench by myself, climbing the steps of the Lincoln Memorial by myself.  Sometimes it just doesn't occur to me that I should be calling friends, booking my weekend to the gills.

That is, until the weekend comes, and I realize that I am alone -- for better and for worse.

This either makes me a good friend (the kind of friend that can always make room in his or her schedule) or a bad friend (the kind of friend that doesn't call to make plans).  Luckily, I have many friends that understand that I'm a bit of a social misfit and don't hold it against me (i.e. they know I'm not mad at them, just that I'm oblivious).  At the same time, I can understand how hard it is for them to always be the ones reaching out to me or the one making plans.

I hope to work on this.  I know I'll never consistently be the life of the party or the epicenter of action.  But I hope that in putting this out there in the world, it will show that I'm cognizant of my shortcomings and will be mindful to improve myself whenever possible.

So what does this have to do with the whole weightloss/health gain endeavor?  Lots.

When I gave up drinking (when I had to go on methylprednisolone injections for my back), people didn't want to tempt me by asking me out to drink.  (I think some people also didn't know what I could or couldn't do with my back problem.)  Likewise, now that I'm trying to lose weight, I think some people aren't inviting me out to eat or to parties knowing they're calorie bombs. I need to do a better job of (1) showing that just because there's food or alcohol around that I'm not powerless in the situation to be moderate and (2) planning activities with friends that don't revolve around calorie consumption, but rather calorie burning.


I also want to recognize how this relates to me and dating.  I'm approaching 30 and never have been in a relationship where love was reciprocal.  This just makes me feel sad, and yes, alone.  A friend pointed out that it is better to be 30 and alone than some of the alternatives.  I'm not looking to rate or rank all of life's painful experiences, just saying that this is something that weighs on my heart (making it look like a hamburger).

My life is about to get very busy...

Monday: Boxing Technique -- 6pm at LA Boxing Georgetown

Tuesday: Softball -- 6pm at WPP

Wednesday:  Softball -- 6pm at WPP  (or Boxing Technique in case of game cancellation)

Thursday: weights & running at gym

Friday: rest day or 6/7 pm boxing at LA Boxing Georgetown

Saturday:  12 or 3 pm boxing at LA Boxing Georgetown

Sunday:  weights & running at gym

You'll notice I have a rest day built in to the schedule, depending on what else is going on, but the truth is that I'll be listening to my body.  If I need a rest day, I'm taking one.

It also means that I won't be drinking after softball games.  I have goals that are bigger than crappy beer.

This month's theme:  Second Chances.

Was there a month where you didn't do quite as well as you wanted to do?
Well now's your chance to restate your goals of that month and try again.

I'll be redoing April.  I will be back in the boxing gym and re-committing to my goals.

If you don't want to go back and re-do a goal, I want to hear about how you are forgiving yourself and giving yourself daily second chances.

Here's the spreadsheet:  SPREADSHEET!



<a href="http://fatgirlvsworld.blogspot.com/2011/04/may-gothedist.html"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsmHnBBkHvaadqNwzuRyNA-bZdZaFVwiPSMrUjQ183W9UPaztdJcpqhZUhfFBYhyphenhyphenS7Wmq9wTs0ESYnMzrsx4-KkIWdbxafjLUkcqKEBZ729ySYyLuO_doWPlv6aAVcvAOvRH70u3WF61E/s1600/Redo-icon.png" height="200" border="0">

So despite my panic, I have a NSV of sorts:  I weighed myself this morning (something I haven't done in a month) -- and


I even lost .7lbs.

So, despite the unlimited buffets/a la carte restaurants, the all-inclusive alcohol, and not going to the gym and between dancing, swimming, hiking, going easy at the buffet, not getting drunk, and sleeping well, I found a way to stick with/close to the plan while having fun.

So for every good news, there's usually something that tempers the reaction:

1. Well for starters it wasn't anything extrinsic -- i.e. nothing did this to me, I did this to myself.  It is a sum of the choices I have made over the past 5 months.
2. I have not food logged.
3. I have been unfocused and joyless in the gym, intimidated at the boxing gym (not by the workout, but intimidated by the time it takes for my body to recover) and unable to juggle both in a schedule that works for me.
4. I suffered the extra long winter and then spring allergies mentally instead of just physically.
5. Life got a little overwhelming for me in terms of personal administration.
6. I let a boy distract me from my schedule.

And if you notice, almost all of those things has an obvious remedy:

1. Accept responsibility for what happened and move on.
2. Go back to what worked and start food logging again!
3. Tinker with the schedule and plan for feeling sore and be on the lookout for pain.
4. Now that the sun is shining, go outside and play! 
5. Now that those problems are all fixed, look for ways to be proactive about these problems instead of reactive. 
6. Include the boy in the schedule, but not to the exclusion of other things.

Not perfect -- but having fun.

Now did I actually use it???