FatGirl vs World

I wanted to write a post about detox diets and cleanses, but I realized that I've already written it:

This is my Official FatGirl vs World™ Position: Why are you punishing your body instead of honoring it? What are you putting in your body that is so bad that in order to mentally rid your body of it, that you must starve yourself?


In other words, if you're eating a balanced diet full of fresh/seasonal fruit and veggies (in a multitude of colors), lean protein/fish (or beans/nuts/seeds if you're veggie/vegan), complex carbs (brown rice, whole wheat pasta, etc.), and lots of water (with the occasional visit to the dark side... sweets, alcohol, etc.) why would you need a detox/cleanse?

I guess I'm not saying this loud enough, so I'm just going to have to sound like a broken record:

I haven't had much to say lately. Just trying to stay on the path and keep my spirits up.

The one thing I did kinda want to talk about is tangential to the whole weight loss process.
I have so many friends who have done the work -- lost the weight, found their self-esteem and in the process found out just how strong and wonderful they are.

And guys.... guys still are assholes to them.  My beautiful, intelligent, talented, strong, inspirational friends who have paved the way for me to go on my own journey are being treated so badly.  It really upsets me.  I mean, if guys do this to them... what's in store for me?

Is this what our grandmothers and mothers fought so hard for with women's lib?


A Single Girl's Dating Manifesto:

1.  It might be all bold and modern for a girl to ask a guy out, but we'd like to know your testicles are still attached to the rest of your body.  If you're interested, do the asking, or we'll just assume you're not interested and move along.

2.  Men and women can figure out if they want to have sex with each other in under 30 seconds.  But finding to have someone to have sex with is easy.  Harder to find, though, is someone I want to spend time with.  Allocate more than 15 minutes for our first date.  Better yet, allocate more than an hour.  An hour isn't much to risk even if the date is horrible.

3.  Women know that there's a communication gap between the sexes.  That being said, you still need to attempt to communicate.  Use your words and we'll try to speak your language of action. 

4.  If you are not interested in us, or have lost interest in us, have the balls to at least say it.  Do not just fade off into the sunset.  That requires no courage and makes you look like a wimp.

5.  Yes, we might be strong and independent, but we still need you.  Okay, so it might not be in the ways you are expecting (opening jars, stepping on spiders, or fixing a car), but we still need to feel protected and safe.  Do your best to show us that you will be there for us when times get rough.

6.  Okay, you're dissatisfied.  Either realize that relationships take work or break up with me.  Cheating requires no spine. 
 
[to be continued]

In the words of the beautiful, talented, and ever-encouraging, Carrie/@CarrieSinCA ((Thank you, Carrie!!)):

Going the Distance in December

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts on the December Go the Distance challenge.  I’d say thank you for selecting me, but seeing as I was the only volunteer, you’re rather stuck with me. [hardy har har.... I'd gladly be stuck with you, Carrie :P] Robby has put together a fantastic challenge and I’ve really enjoyed it.  I’ve also learned so much and changed so much from when I did the OctGTD challenge.

When I set my first goal in the October challenge, I was freaked out.  I remember my hesitation after putting in my goal number and pushing enter.  Here I was telling the whole blog world that I was going to achieve a certain goal at the end of a month.  And all these people were going to watch my miles add up or not.  Scary stuff!

But I did it!   I realized very quickly that no one was judging me on what I achieved.  There were so many people who were just there to cheer me on, when I was doing well, or when I wasn’t.  This challenge was for me, not for them.  That first month, I set the goal rather conservatively for myself.  For November, I added to the numbers by what I felt was a lot and really got into ticking off the mileage after each workout.  For both months, I tracked running/walking and elliptical training.

On December 1st, I pledged to complete 70 miles only running/walking.  I’ve just begun an 8 week training plan for my first 10K on Super Bowl Sunday, so I looked at my plan, added up the mileage required and went with that.  My goal was basically to keep myself accountable to my training program and take advantage of the awesome support system of the GTD gang on Twitter.

After the first week, my hip flexor started to hurt.  I had to stop working out for a few days.  Then I realized that I can’t count and I had my weeks messed up, so my mileage didn’t increase at the rate I’d thought for the month.  By 12/18, I had only completed 26.85 miles (40% @ almost 60% of the month).  By then, my hip was feeling fine but I didn’t want to increase my mileage to the point of injury again to meet my GTD goal.

I had to adjust my thinking a bit to just be happy with my slow increase of mileage.  As a result, I noticed that I was actually getting closer to my goal.  All of a sudden, that 70 mile mark was within reach.  I did adjust my cross-training days to be walking with a few short jogs in order to get some more mileage.  On New Year’s Eve morning I had 1.5 miles to go, so I took my dog for a brisk walk to surpass my 70 mile goal by .5 miles!  I did it!

Thank you to Robby for organizing this challenge and for putting together the spreadsheet of all spreadsheets for us to track our progress.

On the spreadsheet, we were also asked to track our water intake and our fruit and veggie consumption.  Personally, this was the hardest part of the challenge and it was also the most informative.  For me, I had the hardest time tracking my water.  My reusable bottle is 24oz and on most days, I drink at least 3 bottles full (especially on workout days, I’d get 2 of them in before getting home from the gym).  My regular drinking glasses hold 15oz. and I know I’d drink one at lunch and one at dinner.  Just the mental tracking of the water made my brain hurt, so I decided early on that I’d mentally estimate and just give myself the 64oz. if I know I exceeded that.

The fruit and veggie tracking was even harder.  I have to say I didn’t Go the Distance in my tracking of this.  I’d record my efforts 1x per day.  I’d remember my meals and put in what I remembered.  What I did notice was telling – on days that I consumed the proper servings, I also ate rather healthy.  The days where I fell short of the RDA were also the days that I went overboard on sweets or overate in general.  For me, this was almost the best part of the challenge.  I’ve tracked food and calories and all that for a long time.  But, I have never broken out fruit and veggie servings separately and noticeably.  I’ll remember this for when I feel my eating getting out of hand – simply track fruits and veggies on their own and I’ll see how I’ve not eaten enough and therefore gone overboard with less healthy for me foods.

I’ve learned that I don’t usually tackle a project that I know I can’t complete.  I’m risk-averse in that way that I don’t want to set myself up for failure.  During December, I thought a lot about how I’d feel if I didn’t make that 70 miles.  Was I going to be okay with that?  I think it would have been ok since I had also kept up my mileage and only not been able to get the goal because of my injury.  If I had found myself skipping workouts because I didn’t feel like going or was tired or something, then I think I would not have been satisfied with my performance.

In wrapping up the month for everyone, I wanted to talk about those who may have not been so active with us this month.  Looking at the spreadsheet, there were approximately 25% of the original 72 people who didn’t record any progress.  Where did you all go?  Was it an additional challenge for you to commit and track publicly to the goal?  Did you work towards your goal and just not record anything?  I do hope you see that the challenge is a positive one and that all are welcome and all are encouraged to succeed in even the smallest of steps.

Going the Distance does not equal achieving 100% of your goal.  Going the Distance is about setting a goal and working towards bettering yourself.  Sometimes we need to challenge ourselves to step it up in order to see change.  Which brings us to January.  Robby has stepped it up for us with the help of the wonderful Rachael to bring a challenge that incorporates strength.  I’ve signed up to complete 75 miles and 12 strength workouts. 

What are your goals for January’s GTD challenge?  I can’t urge you enough to set a goal and do this for yourself.  Start the year off right and take care of yourself.  Happy New Year!

---

Other #DecGTD wrap-ups:
Simon has a little bit about #DecGTD here.

No makeup.
No bra.
No fear. 

It's so much easier to be less stressed and more forgiving about my back when I'm within 4lbs of my lowest weight as an adult.  For me that's a huge success -- to keep focused on my diet and doing what I can.

I always have moments of clarity when I see the sunrise.
It's always darkest before the dawn for a reason.... sometimes because it helps you to see clearer.

I've got to hand it to my doctor.... there's no sugar coating with him.

I told his resident what's been going on, then relayed it to my doctor.  He looked over his notes from last time and my MRI from 3 years ago. He had me stand up and lean back (ouch!) lean to the side (ouch!) and then touch my toes (remarkably proficient!).

He then had me sit down and he said "Well, even if you got a new MRI, my advice would be the same."

"What's that?"

"Keep on doing what you're doing."

"You don't think all this running is doing damage? Why am I unable to walk an hour without feeling pain in my back and in my leg? What if the degeneration is affecting other discs? Wouldn't an MRI show that?"

"So you just want peace of mind?"

"I guess, yeah."

"I'd still say to exercise when you can, rest when you need to, take some Aleve, strengthen your back.  You're doing real well for most people who have degenerating discs.  If there was a significant, operable change you'd know it.  You're 29.  Go and live your life.  Come back when you're in a wheelchair."

"When?"

"Look, you have a mulit-level situation. Operating now would cause just as much damage and no guaranteed result.  But in terms of the progression of the disease you are in good shape. You have good range of motion.  You're doing okay."

"Well more often than not I'm doing okay, but the nots really suck."

"I'm sorry about that, and I understand you're frustrated.  You're still doing much better now than you were three years ago."

"Yeah I'm frustrated. It's hard to feel this much pain and be told that I'm doing well."

"Your back is going to seize up. You will feel pain in your leg.  But you're walking."  He then got up to leave the office.

"That's it?"

"I hope it's another three years or more before I see you."

. . . So part of me wants to strangle him.  The other part of me is trying to hear what he was trying to tell me -- that I'm going to have good days and bad, but that it could be much worse.  I appreciate that he won't operate on me (as that's his bread and butter).  I don't think he was being dismissive of the pain, but rather trying to put the pain in context.  So I have a few bad days.  I also have good ones.

A friend of mine said "We all have to pick ourselves up and press forward" -- that's what I intend to do.

I wrote a few days ago about the psychological aspect of feeling broken.

I spent Dec. 24 at the animal shelter helping out where needed, but mainly taking dogs for walks.  The most strenuous task was throwing a ball.  I spent Dec. 25 and 26 between a 7 and an 8/10 on my pain threshold scale (I'd like to think I have a high pain tolerance -- but even this leveled me).  Yesterday was between a 5 and a 6.  I'm about a 3/4 now. There's still pain, but I can walk

So I'm going back to the spinal specialist today to discuss where I'm at (I want a new MRI -- my last one was in March 2007) and to discuss pain management options.

I don't want my back to interfere with my life. I don't want my back to interfere with my finding joy in life.
For the most part it doesn't.  But for every day I have that's a 7/8, I go into an emotional tailspin -- wondering if it's the big one, if I'm one sneeze away from having to have massive spinal surgery.  I think about all the rehab required, and the fact that I live alone.  I think about how hard it is to maintain friendships with people when you can't move.  I think of my future and the quality of it.

I mean lots of people ask me about the surgical options, of which there are a few.  But there's also no guarantee that surgery will help me.  For many people surgery helps alleviate pain of one kind, but causes pain of another. I'm constantly weighing my options -- have surgery while I'm young, strong, and healthy, or have surgery when disc replacement technology is more advanced/approved by FDA.

Like the AA motto, "one day at a time" -- I'm just trying to stay focused on what I can do.  If I can't exercise, then I can mind my diet.  If I can't exercise, I can try to move to the best of my ability. Just do the best I can on any given day.  That's all any of us can do, right?


PS:  I'm the "guest expert" for a Twitter party tomorrow night at 9 pm (eastern) for the #MeFirst/Me Movement.  I have six awesome questions queued up relating to New Year's resolutions and mindfulness.  I hope to see you all there!

1. Five more days until the new year! That also means you have 5 more days to get in some miles, some ounces, some meters and/or some fruits/veg for #DecGTD.  Don't forget to LOG your info.  Why log your info? Well it helps you stay organized and see your progress. Also, you never know who you might inspire or encourage.

---

2. The lovely Carrie/@CarrieSinCA was the only one to volunteer to write the guest post/wrap up for #DecGTD. So no need for a poll! Look for that Jan 1 or so.

---

3. I have to start the #JanGTD announcement with a huge THANK YOU to Rachael/@Brooklyn_1012.
The big secret/new element I was hinting at is more fully explained on Rachael's blog. I didn't mean to intimidate or scare anyone into thinking that #JanGTD would be more than you could handle.  But the thing is... after #OctGTD, #NovGTD, and #DecGTD (adding in water, fruits & veggies), it's time for something new.  Rachael says it perfectly:

I’ve always said there is a big difference between exercising and training.  Exercising you are just going through the motions.  In training, you are working towards a specific goal and gaining knowledge along the way.

So you're ready to own your identity as being an athlete, right?

Same as always, there is a spreadsheet that you will use to sign up and track your progress.
1.  Click on the SUMMARY PAGE (bookmarking it would be a good idea as you will be using it often)   
2.  Fill out a line on the "Summary" spreadsheet (do not use columns F, G or I and J -- those automatically calculate) Use separate lines if you want to do different modalities (i.e. one for running, one for biking). You will be able to mix and match strength circuits.    
3.  Find your correlating individual tab (it should be "@[line number where you entered your info]") -- make sure your information from the "Summary" tab has been pulled onto this sheet (and not someone else's information -- if so, contact me).   
4.  Rename the tab "@[twitter name]" or if you don't have Twitter "@[nickname]"   
5.  Fill out the sheet as you wish -- including dates of drs appointments, goals, and eventually mileage, ounces of water, servings of fruit/veg, and how you feel.    
6.  Update your own individual page as needed. The total mileage will automatically be updated on the Summary tab as you report on your individual page.   
7.  Follow #JanGTD on Twitter for support if you need it or to support others when they do, to announce achievements, and find new/old friends!   
8.  PLEASE DO NOT DELETE LINES OR TABS!

I'm not a dietitian. I'm not a doctor.  I'm not a scientist.  But I will tell you what I believe to be true:  whole eggs are delicious, nutritious, and are a translation of all the goodness in the world.


I must qualify this:  I get my eggs from the farmer's market (Creekside Farm and Orchard in WV).  I'm not trying to sound all uppity about this, but industrialized eggs cannot even come close to the goodness found in an egg from a healthy and happy hen.  I've had the pleasure of meeting some of these girls.  They're broads.  Happy chickens full of attitude and spunk. 

Like I said above, eggs are a translation of all the goodness in the world.  If the sun is shining, the grass is growing, and the hen is free to go hunting for bugs, the sun, the grass, and the bugs will all be present in the egg in nutrient form.  You see, eggs are more than just sitting down and popping one out.  They require great effort to produce within the hen (25 hours from start to finish!).  Each layer of the egg is a commentary on the health of a chicken.  If she is healthy, the egg will be healthy.  It's really quite amazing.

Through the 1970s and 1980s (and even now) people were afraid of the cholesterol in eggs--that they weren't heart healthy.  As always, we love to vilify one type of food (carbs! fat! oh noes!!) without knowing the whole picture.  You see, cholesterol in an egg does not equal cholesterol in the blood.  And I've even read claims that chickens that are pasture raised (i.e. spend lots of time roaming in the grasses) have one third the cholesterol of an industrial egg (among other health benefits).


I pay $4.50 for a dozen eggs.  I know that not everyone can afford that.  I also know that the cost of a dozen pasture-raised eggs will be cheaper the closer you are to the farm.  So poke around and try to find them.  I beg of you -- support the deindustrialization of the chicken egg.  Not only will these birds live better lives, but we'll see the quality in our cooking and in our overall health.

And if you are afraid of carbs and love french toast, try putting a touch cinnamon in your scrambled eggs.  You can thank me later :)

I'll be honest:  I get very jealous when I see pictures of you all running races with each other.  I know I'll never be able to do that because of my back.   Heck, my back couldn't even handle today's two hours of walking around DC (which is relatively flat) in sneakers.  I came home in oodles of pain and cried myself to sleep.  I wasn't crying because of the back pain.  I cried because of the isolation it brings.

Well let me take a step back and say that I know I'm a bit of a hermit without figuring all of the back stuff into things.  It really goes back to my childhood and a few pivotal moments such as my dad telling me that I shouldn't be argumentative with friends because I'll end up alone (1. I only argued with him because he was usually wrong; and 2. if someone is truly your friend, you can survive disagreements); my father's profession (he saw the worst of humanity and assumed it followed him home to the quaint village I grew up in); my mom's agorophobia (which limited not only my being able to go over to friends' houses, but other after-school events, because I didn't have transportation); and my mom being very paranoid/controlling and not allowing me to go off the block (there was only one other girl on my block, and we had nothing in common. The boys wouldn't always let me play with them.).

The end result was that by the time my mom died (I was 13), I didn't have many friends and the friends I did have at the time were more like acquaintances.  To put it in the perspective of a newly-minted teenager: I didn't get invited to many birthday parties and few kids showed up to mine.  After mom died, I was a latch-key kid, with fewer after-school invitations, and only my grandmother able to help out with rides (which were usually saved for my weekly vocal lessons and trips to the doctor). Otherwise I had to arrange everything myself.  I got tired of asking people to help because of our "situation."  I also felt like my dad should have done more to help with that.  However, he worked an hour and a half outside the city and knew none of the other parents in my grade (unlike my mother who was very well connected and very involved).  I walked home a lot from school (not far from middle school, but about 3 miles from HS). An already-introverted childhood made it all the easier to become a hermit whose only connection with the world was the internet (IRC and AOL).

I don't want it to seem like I had no friends -- but I will be very clear that the friends I did have after my mom died were heroes in my book.  Take an already unhappy child and throw some more trauma in her life and what you get is a very bad friend.  There was little joy in my life and whole lot of adult-type seriousness (there still is). My true friends from that time in my life never shied away from the pain I was in but did their best to make me feel loved and wanted.  For that, I will always have a place in my heart for them.

But there was lingering damage from my past -- mainly the feeling that I was imposing on or a burden to people. Even now I am very peculiar.  I am very uncomfortable outside of my comfort zone.  I will often be invited to people's homes or to places I don't know but feel paralyzed with fear (not the agorophobia issue of my mom's, but something else I can't quite put my finger on).  For me to travel outside of my comfort zone requires a lot of trust in those people (especially now that I don't have a car and a trip to someone's house is often a logistical nightmare).  I feel much more comfortable on my home turf, but it's hard to entertain friends when you live in a studio apartment with two cats.

I also have a hard time telling people that I need them or their help.  I know it's very one-sided of me to want to help people when they come calling and not allow them the ability to do the same -- but it's that same old problem of feeling like I am a burden.  When I first hurt my back in 2007, I should have relied on friends and family more.  Few people saw just how much pain I was in.  My dad didn't even realize that I spent three months hunched over when I walked. And yet, I would go to the grocery store myself and carry things home in a backpack (including 28lb boxes of cat litter). People would offer to help, but I think my canned response was "have a new back?"  I tried to use humor to deflect how much physical pain I was in.  However, I rarely let people help me.

It was a huge thing for me to ask for help when I needed to get epidural steroid shots to help with my back.  The first time my ex boyfriend/friend took me.  The second time my brother took me.  If I had been given the choice to go myself, I would have (not because I'm independent, but again, I hate feeling like a burden) but the hospital wouldn't let me go home alone. ((funny story about the time I got my wisdom teeth taken out -- I was so thankful my friend Jeff came with me.  They put me under for the procedure because my teeth were impacted.  When I woke up I vomited on the nurse and fell asleep every chance I could as we were going home.  When the anesthesia had finally worn off he had the milk I had deliriously asked for.))

When I had the epidural shots done, they had some serious side effects.  On top of the Valium and Vicodin, it was just a really good idea to stop drinking for a while.  I think when people knew I wasn't drinking, there were fewer invites to happy hours.  I can appreciate that they didn't want to tempt me, but I'm perfectly happy drinking seltzer at a bar.  I just felt further isolated.  I think that also once people realized that it was more than just a pulled muscle, they didn't know how to handle me. It's okay.  I'm not blaming them. Again, it was some serious shit to deal with.

When many of my "real life" friends were signing up for 10ks and half marathons, I was struggling to take showers, put on my underwear, and go about my life.  I was so proud of them for being able to do these feats of strength and endurance, but at the same time it made me so sad.  I wanted to belong to that herd.  I wanted to feel what it was like to run with people.  I didn't want to be hindered by my past, or my back.

I still feel that way.  I hate having to turn down invitations to go to a dance club because the fear of someone pushing or pulling me in a crowd is too much.  For example, a woman today wasn't looking where she was going and ran into me in a crosswalk.  She hit me just right so that the pain took my breath away.  It's Saturday night and I am at home, in my pajamas, with my cats, alone, because my back hurts from walking today.

I'm 29 years old. I should be having the time of my life. I should be out there meeting people and laughing with my friends.  I should be dating.   Instead I am at home feeling sorry for myself because all I see is a broken person (inside and out).  And who would want to be around that?

A large part of my LCJ has been overcoming the idea of that I am a burden to people.  It has dredged up some unfortunate memories and feelings and I think I'm ready to talk about one of those things.  I always say that I started to gain weight after my Nana died, but the truth is that I was pretty pudgy before then.  I don't know know if I started to gain weight after she had her stroke, or if it was something entirely different.

You see, right mixed in the timeline of my Nana's having a stroke, being paralyzed, and then dying was another series of tragedies:  my mother had three miscarriages in a row.  I remember sitting with her on our back patio after her last miscarriage.  With cigarette in hand, she told me that she might've been able to keep the last baby, if only I had helped her more around the house.

So not only was my mother jealous of my body (something that my father verified that she talked about to him), but she was willing to blame me for her own failings (dad was unaware that she had said this to me). She would also make comments of what her life could be like if she didn't have kids.

And well, that's just fucked up.

Now you know why I feel like a burden sometimes.

At the end of all of this, all I really want is to feel like my body is my own.  I want the people in my life to love me as I am (imperfect, serious, broken).  I want to let them love me without the burden of my past preventing them from getting close.