Backslide

I've written before about what it means to be "on track" or "off track" -- and that if you feel like you're f...

I've written before about what it means to be "on track" or "off track" -- and that if you feel like you're failing in one aspect, to put some energy and intention behind another part. 

Truth is that I haven't been taking my own advice.

We all know my body hasn't been playing nice.
I'm going to get a new set of MRIs tomorrow (in a fancy schmancy 3Tesla machine!) -- and hopefully come up with a battle plan.  It's not enough that doctors want to just deal with the symptoms.  I need them to attack the cause and get me exercising again. 

I don't think I realized just how important exercise is to me.  Part of the mourning process is (1) I feel like that since I neglected giving my body exercise for so long, there's this latent feeling like I need to "make up" for lost time; (2) I'm an emotional eater.  I'm not trying to say exercise gives me permission to overeat/emotional eat (damn you mac & cheese), but exercise helps balance my anxiety.  It gives me a release.  Without the release, stress/anxiety have taken a toll on my body in terms of stress eating and skin picking.

The other part of the mourning process is, well, the healing.
And the types of healing directly coincide with the "tracks" that we're either on or off:
  • Mental healing -- forgive myself, allow myself to cry, get catharsis
  • Food -- get back into food logging and asking myself "does this food get me closer or further from my goals"?
  • Exercise -- do the physical therapy I already know to do, commit myself to what's coming
  • Rest -- sleep well, wake up happy and hopeful
I know that when I can exercise, I feel better about life.  It's not about the results, it's about the behaviors.  I feel like I'm worthy of all the good things because I'm actively dedicating myself to myself.

Make sense?

Speaking of my back -- thank you, everyone, for having my back.  I know I'm not the easiest person to be around when I'm in pain, or even when I'm trying to process things mentally.  I shut people out and stop asking for help. But please know it means so much to me to have people saying they can't wait to see me back at the gym, or posting happier/more triumphant posts, or even willing to help me pull up my underwear when bending over hurts.  It's hard to feel this needy and broken.

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13 comments

  1. I love you honey. you know what to do. let us help you. xxxxx

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  2. you DO help me! -- for instance, reminding me that everyone fights their bodies in one way or another....

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  3. Bodies go up and down all the time.
    We know this!
    It does suck to eat our own words,
    and go back to taking our own advice.
    But wow - when we do - it's great!
    One bite at a time - as they say...
    I am right here beside you on this one!

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  4. I'd rather eat my words than eat my feelings. Words have fewer calories.

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  5. {{{Robby}}}

    I choose to believe that it's ALL progress, even when it doesn't feel like it.

    And yep, we've got your back(side)...and it's a cute one, I saw it at Fitbloggin :-)

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  6. Who didn't see my butt??
    Oh my word. That was a moment.

    And you're right -- it's all progress.
    Evolution isn't about perfection -- it's about response to environment, eh?

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  7. I am wishing you so much good (A good as possible?) news about your back. I feel so much better about life also, when I am exercising. I wish I could figure out what it is that makes me fight doing it. I've got so much to sift through in my brain I don't ever feel like I'm making progress in there. :p

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  8. Wish I could give you a big hug and I know how you feel as I've been in a bit of a mental hole myself lately. Maybe you need to give the "happiness challenge" a try, 7 days of a random act of kindness to someone. I can't tell you how much better I've been feeling since I've been doing this. Just getting my mind off myself has helped a lot. Keep your chin up :)

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  9. You are one of the most resilient people I've ever known, in real life, or just in twitter life. It is amazing to watch, and I know you'll get to the other side of this in a strong and victorious way.

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  10. Crystal: Can you believe that an injury in HS gym has caused this much of a problem in my life? Damn you MR. MILLS!! I think the mental part is the hardest -- so many people have this idea that exercise = work. The people who have made the transition realize that exercise = fun. That's why things like Zumba and Crossfit are so popular. You just have to figure out what kind of movement = fun for you, and that will get the ball rolling.

    Bubbly: Believe it or not, I'm actually one of those naturally nice/kind people. I try to always commit random acts of kindness (brought my friend Evan a pie on monday) -- but i'm going to take this challenge as being a little nicer to myself (it fuels the being nicer to others)

    Lily: **blushes** thank you, darling. I think ever since I was a kid, I need to emote and get past the emotions before I can pull up my big girl underroos and dig in. You know, freak out over being afraid to ride a bike, fall down once, make bike riding my bitch.

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  11. I hope your MRI went well today & crossing fingers that there's info in the test results that will help put you on the track to healing. xoxoxo!!!

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  12. I wrote something out but then it wouldn't let me log in under my new user name so here we go again, lol.
    I'm not sure how our brains rationalize eating like crap when we are not exercising and burning more. You'd think we'd be more on our nutrition game with more time out of the gym but its also more time with our thoughts and emotional eating. Hopefully we can both work on mindfully eating together.
    I also hope your MRI produces some positive results for treatment. I know what it is like to have the doctor throw up their hands and just be like, well that's all we got. Your move.
    *hugs*

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  13. I think eating crap food is our grown up way of throwing a tantrum. But then we snap out of it and get back with the program.

    I need a doctor that fights for me, not just along side me looking out for his own back.

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I'll do my very best to respond to it in a timely manner!
<3 Robby