Strong & Wrong

My childhood vocal teacher (surprise! I studied classical voice/opera most of my life) said that if you're going to sing something wrong...

My childhood vocal teacher (surprise! I studied classical voice/opera most of my life) said that if you're going to sing something wrong, "sing it strong & wrong."  That way, if someone thinks "hmmm that doesn't sound right" they'll think "oh, I guess it was written that way."  It doesn't always work, but in a pinch it will do.

I was thinking about "Strong & Wrong" quite a lot during yesterday's 5 mile elliptical run that I'm not supposed to do.   Doctors want me to rest.  Okay, I've been (mostly) doing that for three months.  No running, no biking.  No lifting, nothing with torque/twisting.  And because my spine is so fubar, things like yoga (balance) and swimming (neck angle) are also verboten.  Walking on hard surfaces is even hard -- I start feeling compression after 30 minutes (my back begins to ache, I hear a clicking in my neck, or my left arm begins to ache/go numb cause the nerve is being pinched).

It's not good enough for me.  I want to be an active person, to keep the weight off, to be strong and fast.  And they tell me that I can't. It's not about how the world sees me.  It's about how I see me.  (a little nugget if you want to talk to me about my injury)

They're not trying hard enough to come up with a solution.  So I'm going to run strong and wrong for a while.  Let the inflammation and damage show on the MRI.  They want me to "manage" my injury.  I want to thrive.  I'm not trying to injure myself, but I'm trying to show them "When I live my life the way I want and need to live it, this is how my spine looks.  NOW FIX IT."  My "doing what I can" is not just about what I can do physically, but it's about not letting the doctors brush me off.

My injury can no longer dictate my life in a way that it restricts my happiness or how well I live.

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6 comments

  1. I'm glad you're in a place where you can move. I hope your doctors get to a point where they can help you live the best life possible.

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  2. I'm not as bad off as you are (only have the degeneration and herniation in the lumbar area, not the cervical area too), but I always nod whenever I read your posts. I've been down a lot of the same roads you have. And I've put back on 50 of the 80 lbs I lost 6 years ago, thanks (in part) to my body continually limiting my activity. And I'm sick of it. It's going to hurt either way, might as well move! I'll dedicate my next elliptical session to you, to us. (And I totally get #7 and #8 on the HuffPost article. Grrrr.)

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  3. LF -- I hope the doctors realize that I'm not happy living a life on pain meds and doing pain management. That's not good enough, yanno?

    Jessica -- I was in an entirely different place when it was just my lower back. Having my neck come into play really changes my strategy. I feel that i need to be more proactive. I'm so sorry to hear that you understand what it's like, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It's so grueling. Day in and day out. Take it easy on the elliptical! But keep being awesome. Thank you for understanding!

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  4. Dear gawd, I love you extra-more today for your stance on this. Take control, baby!

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  5. Hugs! I know how hard it is to feel trapped by your body when you just want to MOVE. With my lupus, there are days when out of the blue I suddenly can't walk for two weeks.

    Good for you for pushing back and forcing the doctors to find answers! They work for you! I'm glad that you find your own path.

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  6. http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

    I think this really explains what it's like -- people don't think I'm in sick or in pain because I don't LOOK it. I'm not hobbling around all the time or wailing in pain.

    But I need the doctors to try harder. Just pushing me away isn't gonna work anymore.

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<3 Robby