Shit.

Yesterday, I got on the scale to see just how much not being able to exercise has affected my weight.  I was not prepared for the number I s...

Yesterday, I got on the scale to see just how much not being able to exercise has affected my weight.  I was not prepared for the number I saw:  205.

Not only have i gained 17lbs since my lowest weight of 188, but I was kicked out of onederland, and am once again classified as obese.

In the past, shame would have prevented me from being honest about this number. I would have fudged things a bit to be kind to my fragile little heart. But if I have learned one thing on this journey it's that my heart is strong.  The love I have for myself, for my body, for my injury, for my recovery is bigger and more potent than any shame.

My task now is to dissect the causes:  how much of this is because of the steroids (cause water retention and increased appetite)?  How much of it is from emotional eating? How much is from using the injury as an excuse to be sedentary? How much of it is from just being scared?

No matter the cause, I know the cure.  Honesty, self care, renewed sense of purpose, and a whole lot of forgiveness.  Like I said before, my new goal must be on fixing/preserving the health of my spine, but I can incorporare a better diet, more food logging, and investigate other kinds of exercise that won't wear out my spine.

Man... 205. Didn't think I'd ever see that number again. 
Breaking my back is the only thing I fear more than gaining the weight back.

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5 comments

  1. Take care of you. I know you can do it! You've already done it before, you can definitely do it again.

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  2. You have so much courage. Thanks for sharing your journey

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  3. Emily -- thank you

    Cinderita -- thank you as well. Sometimes I don't feel courageous, but then i remember that once upon a time, I wouldn't have even fought it, would have accepted my fate lying down.

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  4. That's okay! As long as you are putting one foot in front of the other. When you feel stronger, just push harder. Other days, don't sweat it....but just keep going! You WILL reach your goal...because with knowledge come much power!

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  5. Thank you for your kind words, Michelle.
    It's just frustrating. I mourn the loss of who I could be if I weren't so injured.

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<3 Robby