At first, I was considerate -- blurring out the faces and/or screennames of the offenders, and then I figured that if they didn't care about how they presented themselves to me, I wouldn't care about protecting their reputations. I should be careful to note, that I don't need anyone to defend me or attack the men. I can take care of myself, but I just want to defend myself that I'm not the only reason that I'm single.
Twitter conversation with Ms. Plus Size Princess herself and Deepinky about how some men fetishize having sex with larger women, and how others think that they're "tossing a bone" when they offer to have sex with us (what charity!). And it got me thinking in general....
I've gotten lots of dating advice lately about my standards (the things I need or want out of a partner, and how flexible I am regarding those needs/wants) my expectations (how a man presents himself, how he reveals himself to either meet or not meet certain standards), and how to present myself (apparently I'm intimidating). My expectations are pretty low and generally are about etiquette -- (1) don't be a jerk, (2) respect me and my time, and (3) be who you say you are. I've discussed my standards before, and by-in-large I think I'm pretty flexible (except re smoking cause it's gross). Most of them have to do with a man's character. I do have some aesthetic preferences, but there's one I'm particularly inflexible about -- height. I like a guy that's taller than I am.
These jerkwads (yep, there's more than one) aren't the only ones that are telling me that I need to manage my expectations (um, they're as low as they get) and reconsider my standards (which again, are pretty flexible and are pretty understandable, imho). To this I say
This is where I'd like to hear some feedback -- because in my experience, all my gorgeous and fit/thin* friends seem to get different advice than I do: people tell them "don't worry, the right guy will turn up, have faith" and they tell me (the amazing, but fat girl) "you're lucky to get what you get." Erm, what? I think this attitude even bears out regarding how guys** treat me (I don't know about you other ladies) -- they'll date the thin/pretty girl, but the larger girl is the one he keeps on the down low.
I know the whole "fuck buddy"/"inability to have an adult relationship" culture of my generation is also a factor in all of this, but I really resent both notions: (1) that because I'm larger I don't deserve to have my needs and/or wants satisfied (and/or that someone who is a 10*** has the right to ask for what they want/need but not me (I don't know what my number is, nor do I care); and (2) that because I'm larger I should allow a man to treat me less than the way I deserve to be treated (that is, don't be a jerk, respect me and my time, be who you say you are).
I think Fei-Fei said it best -- "I'd rather be single than settle."
I think it really pisses people off that I have the confidence to say that. I know what I bring to the table. I'm all that and a bag of chips. My milkshake does bring all the boys to the yard. I am sexy and I know it.
It's okay if someone doesn't think I deserve to have standards or expectations; they don't have to live my life or sleep in my bed.
I have faith that the right guy will see me as a tame kitten (vs. intimidating), rise to my standards, and meet my expectations. He wants to be that man for me cause what he gets in return will be priceless (me!).
*Disclaimer 1: I know you gorgeous, fit/thin girls also have problems dating -- please let me know if you experience any biases because of your appearance. I'd like to know the flipside of this coin.
** Disclaimer 2: I know that not all guys are like this.