Re-Awakening

I know that what I'm about to say will be familiar to many of you:  Because of our fat bodies/fat minds, we choose to either live in sus...

I know that what I'm about to say will be familiar to many of you:  Because of our fat bodies/fat minds, we choose to either live in suspended animation (e.g., saying you'll do things when the weight is off because the weight or the fear of the weight prevents you now, or that it'll be better when you're thinner) or we choose hibernation (hiding in a cave until we can no longer endure the self-imposed exile).

If you're reading my blog, either you have had the epiphany or you are waiting for it to wake you up and spur you into decisive action.  More than anything else, I've found that the epiphany emboldened me to do whatever is necessary to reanimate, to reawaken.  For some people, the epiphany might even be as simple as realizing that "anything is better than this." The vulnerability that has kept us from living our lives now becomes the method through which we reconnect to ourselves and to the people around us.

I often think of it like the movie "Pleasantville" -- as we start dealing with our issues, and confronting reality (jettisoning the excuses we told ourselves), we start to see things as they truly are.  Color comes into our lives.  One of the side effects is that we start to allow people to see us as we are too.  We drop the defense mechanisms and start trusting our sense of worthiness. 

This is all a bit of a set up to talk about what I really wanted to talk about -- something I've kind of mentioned before.  I really have my guard up when it comes to guys, and probably with reason.  But I think the more I get to know myself and just how strong I am, the more I trust that I don't need a guy to validate how I feel about myself.  Guys are starting to notice that I have reawakened.  In the past, I might not have recognized the players from the decent guys, or might not have cared.  I now know I am more than just fuckable, but I am truly loveable.

The only thing I will say is that because of certain things aligning in my life, I find myself working on on my list with a renewed sense of purpose. I now have a couch (so people have a place to sit when they visit).  I got rid of a lot of stuff that was mentally and visually distracting.  I have an apartment that is a reflection of who I am (my new comforter is a perfect example of my mix of feminine/masculine energy).  My wardrobe is getting there too (I now own more dresses than pants).

When I posted the picture the other day when I felt beautiful, it was a direct result of letting someone see (with a little bit of confidence in myself, a bit of trust in him, and a bit of faith in karma) my good, my bad, and my ugly.  It's not a test to see how much he can endure of me ((my dad says to be mindful of how intense/intimidating I can be, but I feel my equal can match or compliment my intensity, and sees me for the kitten I am, despite the roar)) but a natural progression, a journey.

But I wanted to say that you have all helped me.  You've let me be honest with you -- sharing the things that scare me the most -- and you still love and support me.  In this instance, the practice of friendship has prepared my heart and life for perhaps...more

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7 comments

  1. Oh I LOVE the Pleasantville analogy!!! Great post. So honest. I can relate to the beauty when we show who we are to others. I feel grateful for knowing you :)

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  2. Yay for you! beautifully written and insightful :)...and cute clothes!!

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  3. All very serious, good thoughts. I'm just starting my journey in losing weight, and I am interested to see what mind trips will come out of it for me!

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  4. Kendra: I hope you know the feeling is mutual :)
    I know I am my best person when I'm able to love someone without fear. For so long i thought it was about loving another person, but it's really about loving myself with abandon.

    B: glad you like the clothes... I'm having so much fun now that I can go into a store and not leave with tears in my eyes.

    Pauline: It's 90% mental. You get that part and the physical part seems so natural, so easy.

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  5. Well, being more than just fuckable, but also truly loveable... ah, I was trying to find a bit of levity to spin off of that but I am near the end of my own mental awareness tonight so I have to let it go. And, something about this post says levity would be an injustice.

    Robbie you have a keen sense of self awareness as I see it. By that I mean you appear to want to be in tune with who you are and how you feel about it. So many people, they just are whatever they are and put less than due thought into how they feel about themselves; theya re easy to spot as they are usuall assholes.

    There is no doubt in my mind that your heart, and your mind, are going to flourish when that opportunity arrives to experience being loveable to/from one who loves you.

    And... the teddy bear is cool, but in looking at his face I do believe that bed is now his and thus the comforter, his too. Good thing you have a couch to sleep on :-)

    Glad to hear you are awake!

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  6. Patrick: Ted Ebere is one of the most important men in my life (right behind my family/kittehs). He's been in my life for 15 years. He's actually a very friendly bear and a great judge of character.

    I think you said it pretty well. I want how I feel about myself and my actions to match. I'm no longer the woman seeking body approval through men because i've given it to myself.

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  7. Yay for shopping and new clothes :) It's ONE of the best things about losing weight!

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<3 Robby