I know that what I'm about to say will be familiar to many of you: Because of our fat bodies/fat minds, we choose to either live in suspended animation (e.g., saying you'll do things when the weight is off because the weight or the fear of the weight prevents you now, or that it'll be better when you're thinner) or we choose hibernation (hiding in a cave until we can no longer endure the self-imposed exile).
If you're reading my blog, either you have had the epiphany or you are waiting for it to wake you up and spur you into decisive action. More than anything else, I've found that the epiphany emboldened me to do whatever is necessary to reanimate, to reawaken. For some people, the epiphany might even be as simple as realizing that "anything is better than this." The vulnerability that has kept us from living our lives now becomes the method through which we reconnect to ourselves and to the people around us.
I often think of it like the movie "Pleasantville" -- as we start dealing with our issues, and confronting reality (jettisoning the excuses we told ourselves), we start to see things as they truly are. Color comes into our lives. One of the side effects is that we start to allow people to see us as we are too. We drop the defense mechanisms and start trusting our sense of worthiness.
This is all a bit of a set up to talk about what I really wanted to talk about -- something I've kind of mentioned before. I really have my guard up when it comes to guys, and probably with reason. But I think the more I get to know myself and just how strong I am, the more I trust that I don't need a guy to validate how I feel about myself. Guys are starting to notice that I have reawakened. In the past, I might not have recognized the players from the decent guys, or might not have cared. I now know I am more than just fuckable, but I am truly loveable.
The only thing I will say is that because of certain things aligning in my life, I find myself working on on my list with a renewed sense of purpose. I now have a couch (so people have a place to sit when they visit). I got rid of a lot of stuff that was mentally and visually distracting. I have an apartment that is a reflection of who I am (my new comforter is a perfect example of my mix of feminine/masculine energy). My wardrobe is getting there too (I now own more dresses than pants).
When I posted the picture the other day when I felt beautiful, it was a direct result of letting someone see (with a little bit of confidence in myself, a bit of trust in him, and a bit of faith in karma) my good, my bad, and my ugly. It's not a test to see how much he can endure of me ((my dad says to be mindful of how intense/intimidating I can be, but I feel my equal can match or compliment my intensity, and sees me for the kitten I am, despite the roar)) but a natural progression, a journey.
But I wanted to say that you have all helped me. You've let me be honest with you -- sharing the things that scare me the most -- and you still love and support me. In this instance, the practice of friendship has prepared my heart and life for perhaps...more.