So Rachael asked everyone yesterday how their #JanGTD was going.
My answer? Not well.
In the beginning of the month, I was doing real well filling out the spreadsheet and staying motivated. And then I just stopped checking in. I haven't been writing as much lately either. I'm not in my body and I'm not even in my brain. I really do feel that ever since the wedding, I have been without a major guiding goal. For the wedding, it was fitting in that dress and looking good. That motivated me to do wonderful things. For as much as I've been trying to gear myself up, I am just flailing.
The biggest question, for me, is trying to figure out where I want to be. I've been overweight/obese my whole adult life. I don't know what my adult body is supposed to look like. When I started this I thought my end goal would be 165. In the back of my head I said that I would be happy at 175. When I got to 188 (at the beginning of November), I was a bit overwhelmed with how much I could really still lose, by how much was still left. I'm back to 192 now and a bit frustrated that I've allowed myself to slip back (though I'm glad I'm not over 200). I'm still overwhelmed by the thought of how much I've already changed (in terms of behavior, knowledge, and execution) and how much more could be done. I don't know where to start, but more so I don't know if I want to stay the course or to really go for it.
Because of my back (and to a lesser degree, my knee) I also have had trouble wrapping my head around my biggest second mental hurdle: that I wouldn't be able to do this at (1) the same speed you all are doing it; and (2) I wouldn't be able to do this at the speed I wanted to be doing it. I need to constantly remind myself that we all have hurdles to overcome. And that this isn't something we win or lose, it's a constant struggle.
My #JanGTD goal was 20 miles. Twenty is low considering in October I ran 120. I think I need to find the balance between feeling accomplished and not injuring myself. I need to feel motivated once again (challenging myself to learn something new?). I wanted to participate in the strength aspect of the challenge, but I hesitate because of my back.
So I'm going to challenge myself (and anyone who wants to) to meditate on and hopefully answer the central question of the Going the Distance challenges -- what does it mean to "go the distance"?