Hibernation

So Rachael asked everyone yesterday how their #JanGTD was going. My answer? Not well. In the beginning of the month, I was doing real ...

So Rachael asked everyone yesterday how their #JanGTD was going.

My answer? Not well.

In the beginning of the month, I was doing real well filling out the spreadsheet and staying motivated. And then I just stopped checking in.  I haven't been writing as much lately either.  I'm not in my body and I'm not even in my brain.  I really do feel that ever since the wedding, I have been without a major guiding goal.  For the wedding, it was fitting in that dress and looking good. That motivated me to do wonderful things. For as much as I've been trying to gear myself up, I am just flailing.

The biggest question, for me, is trying to figure out where I want to be.  I've been overweight/obese my whole adult life.  I don't know what my adult body is supposed to look like.  When I started this I thought my end goal would be 165.  In the back of my head I said that I would be happy at 175.  When I got to 188 (at the beginning of November), I was a bit overwhelmed with how much I could really still lose, by how much was still left. I'm back to 192 now and a bit frustrated that I've allowed myself to slip back (though I'm glad I'm not over 200).  I'm still overwhelmed by the thought of how much I've already changed (in terms of behavior, knowledge, and execution) and how much more could be done.  I don't know where to start, but more so I don't know if I want to stay the course or to really go for it.
 
Because of my back (and to a lesser degree, my knee) I also have had trouble wrapping my head around my biggest second mental hurdle:  that I wouldn't be able to do this at (1) the same speed you all are doing it; and (2) I wouldn't be able to do this at the speed I wanted to be doing it. I need to constantly remind myself that we all have hurdles to overcome.  And that this isn't something we win or lose, it's a constant struggle.

My #JanGTD goal was 20 miles. Twenty is low considering in October I ran 120.  I think I need to find the balance between feeling accomplished and not injuring myself.  I need to feel motivated once again (challenging myself to learn something new?).  I wanted to participate in the strength aspect of the challenge, but I hesitate because of my back.

So I'm going to challenge myself (and anyone who wants to) to meditate on and hopefully answer the central question of the Going the Distance challenges -- what does it mean to "go the distance"?

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6 comments

  1. I think in a way, your blog post has answered your question. Our "compass" is ever changing... or North is variable... and going the distance can change depending on what YOUR needs are.

    I know that's not a definite answer, or an easy, or simple one. But its one that allows the most self-discovery. You are an ever changing, ever gorwing human (as we all are). And only you can decide what it is you need to develop in your life.

    Thus far, you've given yourself a wonderful gift of health, the drive to succeed, and a sexy body to go with.

    Now its time for reflection for the next step. Do you need to focus on toning? on alternate methods of exercise? on healing?

    "Going the Distance" is YOUR going the distance. And sometimes that means "going the distance" of forcing yourself to heal and do alternate goals (stretching, yoga, pilates, etc.) while you wait. :)

    And knowing how you are (from your blog and tweets), once you set that goal, your focus will shift from "weight loss" or "miles" to whatever it is that needs to be done.

    We all need time for reflection. It reminds us that we're not perfect. Which is great, cause we can constantly strive to be every day. And that's a very human, very wonderful trait.

    Hang in there. :)

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  2. DW: First of all.... <3 and thank you for the support. Your reply reminded me of a favorite poem, "On His Blindness" by John Milton. I often use it to describe my job (that sometimes just being here is the most important thing I can do) but I think it also applies to this journey -- that i don't have to perform at 100% all the time to be doing something towards my goal. Even if I'm at 50% (healthwise) and applying whatever I can to my goa, it means i'm progressing and not regressing.

    So my plans have changed. I can also see it as an evolution -- an adaptation to my environment and my ability.

    There are silver linings to be had, eh?

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  3. You had me at "hibernation." The older I get the more I'd like to hibernate from, say, November 1 through March 31. Think about it...we'd sleep through the worst of it and wake refreshed and thinner :-)

    Seriously though? My whole reason for being these past two years was to ELIMINATE struggle. If I believe it will be a struggle then that's what I'll get. If I believe it will be easy? Well then...and I proved myself RIGHT!

    I agree with the DubyaWife, reflection, going inside, helps. Acceptance of what is helps. Awareness REALLY helps. Knowing that you're doing your best...and that your best will change depending on any number of circumstances. Or, as I like to say: it takes as long as it needs to take, and that's okay.

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  4. I think we spend our whole lives pushing pushing pushing. But part of being human is also sitting back. In a culture where we feel guilty for resting, I think it is so important to sometimes be in the back seat. Watch the world go by. Let your body recuperate. Stop being so tough on ourselves because everyone deserves a break. Maybe that break means 15 minutes work out instead of 30. Maybe that break means hiking instead of running. Or maybe that break means waking up and just meditating. And letting life fall into place without a forcing current. There is nothing wrong or shameful about giving yourself the compassion and love to simply do nothing. Life is too precious and short to be beating ourselves up.

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  5. Karen: You're right -- at some point there shouldn't be a struggle. It's just a life we've chosen for ourselves. I guess i'm not at the auto-pilot point. I'll be reading back through my archives to figure out where I was and where I'm going. We'll see.

    Teeg: There is nothing wrong or shameful about giving yourself the compassion and love to simply do nothing. Life is too precious and short to be beating ourselves up.

    Thank you for saying this.

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  6. Not alone here my month is sucking motivation wise too, think I need to blog about it soon try and find some answers.

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<3 Robby