How many people do you know (especially at the beginning of a new year) that say "I'm on a diet." Many, right? New year, new resolutions, new goals. Re-energized, reinvigorated, resolute. We end the year as if in a frenzied Bacchanalian -- Thanksgiving turkeys, Christmas cookies, New Year's champagne toasts. We start the year looking at ourselves in the mirror and can only come up with disdain, unable to recognize ourselves. We only see the damage.
I was talking to the coworker about the "40 in 40" plan -- and he looked at me with a puzzled look, as if I didn't have 40 lbs to lose. I always love asking people how much they think I weigh, and thus the title of this entry -- "perception, truth, and creative truths."
Asking someone to guess your weight is like asking them to go to a war-torn country and walk through a known minefield. Do they say "well, you're kinda fat, so I'm gonna guess 250"? Never! They don't want to insult you and I think that's compounded by most people not being good guessers. It's not like everyone was trained to be a carnival sideshow person that can guess your age, your weight, and your occupation.
So he said 140lbs. I've heard people say everything from 150 to 170. They never go above 175. For some reason, numbers that high are strictly forbidden. But I've never had anyone guess that low.
I thanked him for his lying and/or gentle creative truth. Most people are kinda shocked that I weigh this much (as am I, frankly). I don't even know the last time I weighed 140, but I'm guessing it was in middle school.
Even my doctor was surprised the first time I met her. She opened the door, asked me if I wanted to re-weigh myself. I told her the nurse's numbers were accurate. She said to me "So, you know you're fat, right?" Why yes, doctor. How perceptive of you. She got my blood tests back and said that for a fat person, I was very healthy (my cholesterol is low, my blood sugars are fantastic, and my blood pressure could beat up your blood pressure in a dark alley).
I am and have always been very muscular and very strong, my legs especially. I don't think I was ever meant to be a delicate waif-like woman. I think a very different artist had me in mind. Perhaps I've done a dishonor to the artist to treat my body so badly (I admit it, I ate a donut today. Quel dommage!), but that is not without its remedy.
The truth of the matter is that for me to ever be 140lbs, I would have to lose a significant amount of fat as well as muscle. I would lose what makes me strong, what makes me a force to be reckoned with. And quite truthfully, that saddens me. For as much as the world and society tells me I'm fat, I'm obese, I'm undesirable, at least when I look in the mirror or touch my own body, I feel very connected to the great strength that resides in all women.
Granted, it's not the bombshell that I imagine myself to be, but I feel very honest in my intentions to be the best representation of myself as I was meant to be, without the damage.
PS: this is a very interesting site: The Photographic Height-Weight Chart.
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Perception, truth, and creative truths
in About Me, Media, Reviews, Ruminations - on 11:57:00 PM - 2 comments
Labels: About Me, Media, Reviews, Ruminations
Seriously good for you for taking time to be good to yourself and making a safe space for you to examine these things. I am also going through this right now. I just choose to do it on Sparkpeople.com. If you ever want to drop by and see my progress I am silverwing2623 over there. Thank you for telling me about your journey here. I look forward to keeping up with you.Reply
I did take a look at Sparkpeople -- when you've been posting your points. I think that for many people opening up an honest dialogue about our bodies is the key to finally being healthy, no matter our size -- the point where we can say that our bodies are an accurate representation of ourselves, how we value and appreciate ourselves, and how we expect other people to treat that person.Reply
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