For every nickel there's a five-cent fare...

I wonder when, as a fat woman, when I'll be at the weight that men actually see me as anything other than a punchline. Like if I'm 200 lbs, will being 180 lbs make me datable, or is it 150 lbs? Will getting rid of 25% of who I am make me more worthy of being loved?

RuPaul used to say "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" But what if you grow weary of loving yourself, feeling like you're the only one who loves yourself, or actually the only one who loves yourself?

I mean, it's great to have friends and family that love you, but the love of a person who sees you naked and vulnerable is different. It fills a different void. It snuffs out the loneliness that most people never get to see because you're too busy putting on a brave face, loving yourself, protecting yourself from the world.

I've been celibate for 3 years, and haven't had a steady boyfriend in 8 years or so (even that was dubious at best). A large part of this is because I lost my mom when I was so young that I don't want to willingly open myself up to losing someone I love. The other part of it is that when I close my eyes and put on my bravado, I'm not some fat girl, I'm a vixen. I am someone's dream girl. I am the woman in every man's fantasy.

It's really hard to live up to even my own hype.

I think one day I'll be thin, and realize that woman will have been with me the whole time. But instead of having to make the men notice me, the men will just gravitate towards her. She's been waiting.