Denoument

I'm nowhere from the "final part" of my story, of my life, but there's so much of me that wishes that I had a crystal ba...

I'm nowhere from the "final part" of my story, of my life, but there's so much of me that wishes that I had a crystal ball, that I could see how all of the threads of my life are supposed to weave together.  I think deep down everyone wants to know that any struggle or suffering they've had in their life served some purpose -- to learn or grow, or to reveal a universal truth.

It's hard to think about purpose when you're in the middle of the darkness, when you're struggling.

I recently wrote about the 19th anniversary of losing my mom, and how the "growth" came at the steep price of losing my mother. Would I give up the person that I am now (who I think is pretty awesome) for a chance at having a few extra years growing up with mom?  Emotionally, I'd say yes.  Would it mean giving up some of the parts of myself that I'm most proud of?  Probably.  It's impossible to know how changing one detail will effect everything (and no, I've never seen the movie the Butterfly Effect.)

I've been struggling lately.  From the outside looking in, there's a benign tedium to my life.  But living through the tedium ad nauseum is maddening.  I know something needs to change.  I know that for "something" to change, first I need to change.  I also know I've been here before.  The only excitement seems to be the cats getting sick (FLUTD for Jack, pancreatitis for Spike) and injury for me. 

This time around, I'm going to work on coming up with a better plan to get myself out of the rut.  The guiding principle is going to be "well, what you were doing before didn't work, so why not try something else."  I'm hoping that it opens me up to the possibilities of what could be versus trying to control the outcome, the denoument.  Maybe life isn't a "choose your own adventure" -- sometimes the adventure chooses you.


I've been reading "Choose More, Lose More" -- and while I'm not a fan of some concepts (i.e., I don't think food should EVER be a reward, as it creates an emotional relationship with food), I dig the idea that by living with integrity (keeping our promises), we maintain our dignity and self worth.  So I'm going to make some promises.

Some initial thoughts:
1.  I'm willing to give carb & calorie cycling a try.  This will require me food logging to a more consistent degree. I need to sit down and learn how to meal plan.
2.  Finally going to let @amandap show me what she loves so much about Epic Yoga.
3.  Finally going to get back in the saddle and let @Zanewicz take me for a ride at @RevolveDC
4.  A coworker told me that she loves going to PureBarre.  She said she got muscles in places where they never existed before.  I'm intrigued.  And it's a few blocks away.
5.  If I go out to a bar with friends, I'll make it a point to meet a new guy.  Gotta be in it to win it.
6.  Going to get back into volunteering at the animal shelter.  That helped bring me more joy.  I'm also going to play more with the cats.  More crumpled up pieces of paper and catnip!
7.  I'm going to let go of some of the physical things that have been weighing me down and stifling me.  I don't like a messy apartment, and it will feel good to streamline.  Clean space, clean mind.
8.  I'm open to suggestions.  If you were my life coach, what would you have me do?  If you were my personal trainer, what would you have me do?

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2 comments

  1. I always say that nothing is a failure if you learn a lesson from it. I think you can find meaning in anything and use that to push you forward.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ever feel like you've learned enough lessons for many lifetimes?

    ReplyDelete

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<3 Robby