Life is messy. Sometimes it stinks.
But you keep on going.
Right?
You're going to do what with a what in my where?
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| Fancy needle work |
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Fluoroscopically-guided epidural injection |
So.. I have a herniated disc between C5-6, a bulge in C6-7, and three bulges with annular tears (degenerating discs) from L3 to S1. Not only does the bulge/herniation put pressure on my spinal cord, but it affects other nerves. The neck is causing pain mainly down my left shoulder/arm. The lower back affects nerves that control my lower half of my body (if I sneeze I fear losing control of my bladder).
In late July, I went to my orthopedist because of neck pain. An x-ray was taken but as it didn't show bone issues he conservatively diagnosed me with cervical radiculitis. As I had some success with epidural steroids for my back (2 injections back in 2007), we decided to first try oral steroids and rehab along with rest from boxing. I felt okay until late November, when I started feeling weakness and numbness in my left arm when exercising (such as when doing pushups, planks, or even when boxing). I went back for the MRI in early December and the MRI showed a herniation. The next conservative step was to try epidural steroids again (not an epidural nerve block).
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| They inject the steroids into the epidural fat that surrounds the disc as well as the spine |
I booked my epidural at the Sibley Pain Center (same place as my two epis for my lower back) with Dr. Heckman. Below is a rough idea of the procedure:
After administrative intake, a nurse and I did the medical intake. She took some baseline stats for blood pressure and temperature. She gave me discharge information and then we went over the procedure orally. Dr. Heckman and I then met. He reviewed the CD of my MRI to confirm the radiologist report, we discussed the procedure, and he fielded a few questions.
They would put in an IV with saline in the small chance I of a seizure from Lidocaine injections into neck (miniscule risks are still risks), that way they'd be able to deliver anti-seizure medication without having to look for a vein.
Then they did 2-3 Lidocaine injections around the epidural injection site to numb the skin/muscles and help prevent pain. Next, they use a fluoroscope to guide the epidural needle into the intralaminar space near the affected disc to deliver the steroids (the fat in this area would help draw the medicine to the affected area). I would feel a poke and then some pressure as the steroids are injected. As it is so close to my spinal cord, I cannot move or talk when this is happening.So that is how the procedure is supposed to go. What follows was my experience of how it went:
I handled the IV without freaking out, but then started feeling very warm and started sweating. We slowed down until I felt better. Between the Lidocaine shots and epidural, my blood pressure dropped out twice and I was starting to have trouble talking. This is a vasovagal response (which sounds way cooler than saying "I started to faint"). As a matter of protocol, they would not do the epidural while I'm unconscious.
The doctor suggested we stop but I told him to continue once my blood pressure stabilized (I told him i didn't come here for nothing and that I would "power through this" and that I had my "big girl panties on"). He re-sterilized the injection site and did 2 more Lidocaine shots, then he proceeded with the epidural. Once he was done, I was fine. My blood pressure stabilized and I was then allowed to have my applesauce and crackers.
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| my awesome blood pressure post-epidural |
The whole process (intake, consult with the doctor, prep, injection, recovery took about 1.25 hours. During the ride home I felt every bump and deceleration in my neck and felt a little woozy. Once I was outside in the cool air I was fine. (This happened when i got the epis in my lower back 2 years ago--drove home with the windows open).
Rehab is lonely and taking care of my responsibilities is hard (I hate losing my independence, and thus am stubborn to a fault). I cannot take pain meds before work as they make me spacey. I have headaches almost every day on top of the tinnitus (a common symptom of cervical herniations) that is driving me nuts (you know that ringing in your ears you feel for 20 minutes after a loud concert... imagine that all the time). I come home and nap instead of eating dinner, cleaning my apt, or socializing. I wake up in the middle of the night and start cursing because my sleep schedule is so out of whack. My bosses are supportive but I hate not being 100% (sleep deprived, spacey, and otherwise "not all there") while at work.
Emotionally the injury can be worse than the physical aspects. I feel broken and useless when I am in pain. Exercise is not recommended for me right now and that robs me of one of my coping mechanisms. I cringe anytime someone tries to hug me. And so many people have unknowingly hurt me by greeting me and slapping my back between my shoulders. I can't imagine dating when I can't bend my head to kiss a guy, and hate having to explain why I am in pain, and that I don't want pity (but often can't avoid the topic).
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| Nurse Jack and Dr. Spike |
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| Getting a checkup by Nurse Jack |
The cats keep me company on days like this when I am in bed, propped up, and can't do much except use my phone (TV and computer are at weird angles to my head). Again it isn't the pain of the disc and how it is affecting my arm that is keeping me in bed, but the known side effects of cervical hernias: headaches and the tinnitus. It is my hope that a second epidural (and a third if I need it) will alleviate this.
The cats keep me company on days like this when I am in bed, propped up, and can't do much except use my phone (TV and computer are at weird angles to my head). Again it isn't the pain of the disc and how it is affecting my arm that is keeping me in bed, but the known side effects of cervical hernias: headaches and the tinnitus. It is my hope that a second epidural (and a third if I need it) will alleviate this.
I totally understand why my mom drank to deal with the pain/take the edge off and why she spent so many days in bed. I just don't want to be like that. I am fighting this with all I've got. I'm trying to avoid the medications, lest I get hooked (considering the history of addiction that runs rampant in my family). I am trying to allow my friends in on this, but I still feel it is a lot to ask (in terms of understanding or helping me), and harder to return the favor. I am trying to take things one step at a time and try not to get freaked out by the eventualities of degenerative disc disease.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't exhausted by and scared of all of this.
Next epidural scheduled January 25.
The #GoTheDist Head Fake
I don't want to spoil the video or the book for anyone, but I want to introduce what Randy Pausch calls the "head fake." The example he gives is when a kid learns to play football, he not only learns the game, but the deeper lessons of camaraderie, sportsmanship, dedication, rule following, etc. They are life's little lessons in disguise.
I posted on Facebook, asking if anyone knew what the #GoTheDist head fake was and, as of the time that I am writing this, there have been no replies. I attribute that more to it being the weekend and everyone logging some activity. [Edit: as of Monday morning, there was one reply from Sue Ward: I think it has to do with the way we psych ourselves into believing that we can't possibly do or achieve something. I'm beginning to learn that it works both ways - I'm learning to psych myself into believing that I can #GoTheDist!]
I bill #GoTheDist as a challenge that logs effort and consistency (% completion) instead of results (inches/lbs). While this is true, there is also a few head fakes working as well.
#GoTheDist is about:
- learning how to not underestimate your capabilities or sell yourself short while setting achieveable goals
- learning how to plan, prepare, and track so that you create your success, rather than just stumbling upon it;
- learning how to celebrate each milestone as an indication of how capable you, your mind and your body truly are;
- learning that life-long healthgain isnt about weightloss, but rather doing the hard work to change behaviors and mindsets;
- learning that you can lean on a community of similarly-minded people instead of going it alone when the road is uphill;
- learning that you still achieve even if you fall short of a goal, so long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other (or just keep swimming);
- learning how to enjoy the journey
In the end it isnt about the miles logged, minutes spent exercising, sweat expended, or sore muscles. It isn't about whether you are at 100% of your goal or even 80%. It is really about the choice you made on the day you made your pledge to see yourself as someone who strives, as someone worthy of a goal. Each day you are able to put down a number (or even the intentional rest days) is a day you reaffirm this pledge to yourself -- that you are capable of becoming and living as the person you see yourself to be.
It is my greatest hope that on December 31, 2012, we will all be able to thank the person that on January 1 said "I will #GoTheDist" and believed it was possible.
Douchelord Drunkface McManTits
I was at my local bar on Sunday watching my NY Giants kick the Dallas Cowlosers' collective butts.
Eventually my friend joined me so I could help her celebrate her birthday (that began at midnight).
This was the same friend who took care of me after my epidural appointment, and so I especially wanted to make it a fun time with lots of fun drinks because. This is the same friend that I met in college and is also a coworker. She has been excellent to me during this whole neck ordeal, making sure I don't get too mopey and that hospital would release me. Though it was her birthday, she was every bit as protective of me/my back as she had been coming home from the hospital.
Enter Douchelord Drunkface McManTits -- some 6'2" inebriated Weeble whose pecs were almost as large as Pam Anderson's head and whose hair could solve the energy crisis for the next 10 years. He drunkedly swaggered over to us and started moving his arm to put around my shoulders/neck. My friend launched herself inbetween Douchelord Drunkface McManTits and said "No!! No touching!!" Yep. all 5'2" of her protected all 5'9" of me.
Two of my problems were solved in one fell swoop:
(1) my problem of stupidly not allowing my friends to help me/care for me out of pride/desire for independence; and
(2) my fear of people carelessly causing further injury to me (like the manager of the bar who 20 minutes later surprised both of us by saying goodbye to me and slapping me on the back right over the injection site).
The lesson is that if you are vulnerable and let the right people in your life, they don't abuse the vulnerability, but protect you from those who might. Friends are good people to have in a crisis. Especially 5'2 bulldogs/bodyguards.
Eventually my friend joined me so I could help her celebrate her birthday (that began at midnight).
This was the same friend who took care of me after my epidural appointment, and so I especially wanted to make it a fun time with lots of fun drinks because. This is the same friend that I met in college and is also a coworker. She has been excellent to me during this whole neck ordeal, making sure I don't get too mopey and that hospital would release me. Though it was her birthday, she was every bit as protective of me/my back as she had been coming home from the hospital.
Enter Douchelord Drunkface McManTits -- some 6'2" inebriated Weeble whose pecs were almost as large as Pam Anderson's head and whose hair could solve the energy crisis for the next 10 years. He drunkedly swaggered over to us and started moving his arm to put around my shoulders/neck. My friend launched herself inbetween Douchelord Drunkface McManTits and said "No!! No touching!!" Yep. all 5'2" of her protected all 5'9" of me.
Two of my problems were solved in one fell swoop:
(1) my problem of stupidly not allowing my friends to help me/care for me out of pride/desire for independence; and
(2) my fear of people carelessly causing further injury to me (like the manager of the bar who 20 minutes later surprised both of us by saying goodbye to me and slapping me on the back right over the injection site).
The lesson is that if you are vulnerable and let the right people in your life, they don't abuse the vulnerability, but protect you from those who might. Friends are good people to have in a crisis. Especially 5'2 bulldogs/bodyguards.
Dear friends
You are angels and drunks
You are magi
Old friends
You stuck a pin in a map I was in
And you are the stars I navigate home by
You are angels and drunks
You are magi
Old friends
You stuck a pin in a map I was in
And you are the stars I navigate home by
Douchelord Drunkface McManTits soon so in awe of my friend's San Francisco 49rs ring that he went into an awkward 3-point stance, stood up and put his beer on the bar, then continued the 3-point stance into being bent on one knee and kissed her ring. Douchelord Drunkface McManTits was thrown out of the bar an hour later.
We walked out together, each under her own power.
I was thankful to have a friend that stick with me on my best days and my worst.
I believe she was thankful to have greasy breakfast meat in her fridge to counteract the whiskey.
Yield
intransitive verb
1: to be fruitful or productive : bear, produce
2: to give up and cease resistance or contention : submit, succumb
3: to give way to pressure or influence : submit to urging, persuasion, or entreaty
4: to give way under physical force (as bending, stretching, or breaking)
I've been sitting here looking at the sign, and definition for many minutes now. Part of me just wants to post it as is, as a stand-alone post because it says everything I have been feeling. But in the spirit of sharing/behing honest and not cryptic, here goes:
((several minutes elapse))
So... the neck thing...
((more minutes elapse))
Ever just get the feeling that the universe wants to slow you down and/or see just how much you can bear?
There's no use getting huffy puffy about it because logically I know that the "universe" (the fates, the gods, whatever) really doesn't have any control or influence over my day-to-day life. But emotionally, sometimes it's just easier feeling that there's some dark humor at work here, setting me up and knocking me down.
I know that's the universe isn't limiting me, but my body is.
The word yield feels appropriate for what I am feeling. I feel trapped by my injury and forced to slow down my entire body and life to the healing schedule of my neck. According to the definitions, I feel (1) that I'm not productive regarding my pursuit of over-all health, (2) that I've been forced to sit on the sidelines of my life, that (3) the injury is a dictatorial menace on the rest of my life and (4) that the pain is able to bring me to my knees.
I am yielding to the diagnosis. I am abiding by its needs.
But I refuse to succumb to it.
The great thing about yield signs or yellow lights is that eventually you do get to proceed on your journey.
#GoTheDist 2012
I am throwing down the gauntlet.
#GoTheDist is entering a new phase of badassery where only the brave dare go.
Instead of a month-to-month challenge, I've set up the spreadsheet (if I did everything correctly) to track a whole year.
Yep, that's right. Instead of looking at your fitness goals from month-to-month, I want to you to think long and hard. I want you to come with with a challenge that will push you beyond what you think you can do.
I want you to add 10% to that goal. And then we'll talk.
A few things have changed and I need everyone to pay very close attention to the instructions regarding the spreadsheet. There are formulas left and right. So even if you have done this before, please pay careful attention to what you're doing, lest it affect someone else's tracking.
Also -- if you're better at spreadsheets/Excel/math than I am, please let me know if you think I've done something wrong.
Also new? Due to popular demand, I've started a #GoTheDist Facebook Page -- Feel free to post related blog-entries, PRs, goals, requests for motivation, and the like. Please do not post ads for products, companies, services, or businesses. You will be removed from the group. I will be looking for administrators for this group soon.
Also -- if you're better at spreadsheets/Excel/math than I am, please let me know if you think I've done something wrong.
Also new? Due to popular demand, I've started a #GoTheDist Facebook Page -- Feel free to post related blog-entries, PRs, goals, requests for motivation, and the like. Please do not post ads for products, companies, services, or businesses. You will be removed from the group. I will be looking for administrators for this group soon.
1. Click on the SUMMARY PAGE (bookmarking it would be a good idea as you will be using it often).
2. Fill out the next available line on the "Summary" spreadsheet. You are responsible for filling out your biographical information (columns A–D), your tracking modality and goal (columns E and F), your quarterly goals (columns G, J, M, and P), and your half-year and full-year rewards (columns T and V).
3. **CREATE YOUR INDIVIDUAL PAGE** (The information you have entered in step 2 should auto-complete to an individual page. Check your line number and then look at the bottom of the page. Match up your line number and double check that your information is correct).
4. Rename the tab "@[twitter name]" or if you don't have Twitter "[nickname]" I will fill in the formulas to complete the Summary Page as needed (please do not tinker if you are unfamiliar with formulas).
5. Fill out the sheet as you wish. See step #8.
6. Update your own individual page as needed (if tracking is too hard, consider printing out your page and filling it out by hand and updating it online once a week). The total mileage will automatically be updated on the Summary tab as you report on your individual page.
7. Follow #GoTheDist on Twitter for support if you need it or to support others when they do, to announce achievements, and find new/old friends!
8. PLEASE DO NOT DELETE LINES ON THE SUMMARY PAGE OR TABS! Do not SORT.
Please contact me via email or twitter if you want to be removed or you're unsure of how to use the spreadsheet. If you want to add columns, please add them to the RIGHT of the page. Please do NOT move your page around! You CAN bookmark your individual page using your browser to find it easily.
I'm also quite happy to see how #GoTheDist and #MeFirst can work hand-in-hand. Consider taking the #MeFirst pledge! #GoTheDist is also a friend of MeYouHealth and their Daily Challenges.
So grab your #GoTheDist buttons, use the hash tags for each month, and get out there! We're all behind you!
At the end of the month/quarter/half consider answering these questions:
- How do you think you did over the course of the quarter?
- Did you overestimate or underestimate your capabilities? Why is this? Is this representative of a larger trend in your life?
- Did you learn anything about yourself while doing this?
- Can you apply what you've learned in #GoTheDist somewhere else in your life?
- Did you make any new friends through #GoTheDist -- were you able to support each other?
- What was the hardest part of the challenge? (physical? mental/psychological?)
- What do you think you did really well this quarter? (doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
- What do you think you could improve on? (again, doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
- No matter the numbers you already entered, are you going to finish strong, or taper off?
- Did you go the distance? And no, I don't mean did you hit 100% of your goal... did you put yourself out there and really try for it? Is 80% still something you can be proud of?
Knowing is half the battle...
I've explained in an earlier entries that I don't just feel pain at the site of the injury, but also the places where those nerves control. With my lower back, I feel pain down my leg. I also have fun experiences while sneezing and other sundry things. For my neck -- the pain radiates over my left shoulder, down my biceps/triceps, to my index finger and thumb.
I've mentally compiled (and sometimes unleash on Twitter) lists of "It's fun to ____________" statements such as "it's fun to do laundry with a herniated disc in your neck" or "it's fun trying to pick up the sock you dropped." Even the simplest things become difficult tasks that require a bit of creativity and humor. But sometimes it's really hard to find the humor (like when I have to brace myself against a wall when I feel a sneeze coming on, or else I'll totally pee at the same time).
I'm feeling very sorry for myself lately because it's hard to feel young & vibrant when my body is crapping out on me. I go to bed every night wishing someone was lying next to me, lightly tracing his fingers over my spine and saying "It will be okay." I wake up in the morning wishing he was there saying "I'll help you in the shower." I wish he was there saying "don't worry, I'll do the dishes."
I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.
My swagger doesn't come from how I look or my measurements. My inner sexiness comes from knowing my strengths, such as my sharp wit and playful coyness as well as my physical strength (I'm a tough cookie) and adventurous attitude.
Yet there is one thing, more than anything else, that makes feeling sexy damn near impossible (as experienced over the past 15 years) -- and that is my litany of back/neck injuries. I can feel sexy with a sprained ankle, sexy through a sinus infection, or even sexy with a zit on my face. I just can't feel the va va voom while I'm dealing with my spine injuries.
I can shake most of the negative feelings associated with my injuries -- such as "it sucks not being able to lift weights" or "I hate not being able to box" -- but I cannot shake the nagging question of "what man can find a broken woman sexy?" I can't be bubbly and cheerful all the time; I can only fake it for so long before I just flat out say "you know what? I feel miserable." I also know that guys my age want to be active -- dancing, hiking, traveling and yes, even sexing. And there are some days when that just isn't on the docket.
Doubt is the biggest detriment to self-confidence.
And even if I get past a few dates, I'm reminded of the orthopedist I saw in 2000 who gave me a pamphlet of how to have sex with a bad back. The drawings were of couples in their 60s. I don't want men to see me as past my prime, geriatric, or disabled. I don't want guys to think that I'm completely unable or without desire. While I don't have plans to swing from any chandeliers and hate being limited by my back, I'm still very much a woman in her sexual prime.
But for all the ways my injuries make me feel like less of a woman, there is an upside: it makes me able to appreciate the idea of having a man in my life. For as strong and independent as I am, it would be really nice to say "sweetie, I need help." Most men I know relish hearing those words -- they love knowing that their skills and strength can be put to use for manly purposes. Being injured exposes my vulnerability. I long for the time when the man I am with tries to heal me with kisses down my spine.
If I can't feel sexy on the inside, how will the world ever know that under all the blubber, there lies a sexpot?
Bad News vs. Worse News
So... what i thought was a disc bulge
is in fact a "herniation indenting the ventral spinal cord."
Oh, and there's a bulge in the disc below.
So that brings the tally up to 4 bulging discs (L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, and now C6-7) and one herniation (C5-6).
This sucks.
I know you all love and support me, but nothing anyone says is going to make me feel better about this. And more to the point, I don't want to feel better about this. I want to feel exactly what I'm feeling: I'm mad. I'm frustrated. But most of all I'm mourning for myself. I feel sad that I am going through this.
While I don't want any comments, I did think this was post-worthy, as it throws a big wrench in my weightloss goals. I need to focus more on diet if I'm going to be (once again) restricted in the gym.
Oh, and there's a bulge in the disc below.
So that brings the tally up to 4 bulging discs (L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, and now C6-7) and one herniation (C5-6).
This sucks.
I know you all love and support me, but nothing anyone says is going to make me feel better about this. And more to the point, I don't want to feel better about this. I want to feel exactly what I'm feeling: I'm mad. I'm frustrated. But most of all I'm mourning for myself. I feel sad that I am going through this.
While I don't want any comments, I did think this was post-worthy, as it throws a big wrench in my weightloss goals. I need to focus more on diet if I'm going to be (once again) restricted in the gym.
#Fitspo Friday
Everyone knows how I abhor the word "thinspo"/"thinspiration" -- as it was born out of the pro-ana movement.
BUT... I love FITSPO brought to us by the lovely @TaraBurner!
And it just so happens that yours truly is today's Fitspo Friday Feature!!!
BUT... I love FITSPO brought to us by the lovely @TaraBurner! And it just so happens that yours truly is today's Fitspo Friday Feature!!!
So hop on over there and check out how I answered these questions:
Have you always lived a healthy fit lifestyle?
What keeps you going, motivated?
What is your favorite workout?
What are some of your goals?
What are some of your accomplishments or things you're proud of?
What is one random fact we should know about you?
What words of advice would you like to leave the readers?
Have you always lived a healthy fit lifestyle?
What keeps you going, motivated?
What is your favorite workout?
What are some of your goals?
What are some of your accomplishments or things you're proud of?
What is one random fact we should know about you?
What words of advice would you like to leave the readers?
