FatGirl vs World

Make no mistake:

How to Join #GoTheDist 2012:

1. Click on the SUMMARY PAGE (bookmarking it would be a good idea as you will be using it often).

2. Fill out the next available line on the "Summary" spreadsheet.  You are responsible for filling out your biographical information (columns A–D), your tracking modality and goal (columns E and F), your quarterly goals (columns G, J, M, and P), and your half-year and full-year rewards (columns T and V).  

3. **CREATE YOUR INDIVIDUAL PAGE** (The information you have entered in step 2 should auto-complete to an individual page.  Check your line number and then look at the bottom of the page.  Match up your line number and double check that your information is correct).

4. Rename the tab "@[twitter name]" or if you don't have Twitter "[nickname]"  I will fill in the formulas to complete the Summary Page as needed (please do not tinker if you are unfamiliar with formulas).

5. Fill out the sheet as you wish.  See step #8.

6. Update your own individual page as needed (if tracking is too hard, consider printing out your page and filling it out by hand and updating it online once a week). The total mileage will automatically be updated on the Summary tab as you report on your individual page.

7. Follow #GoTheDist on Twitter for support if you need it or to support others when they do, to announce achievements, and find new/old friends!

8. PLEASE DO NOT DELETE LINES ON THE SUMMARY PAGE OR TABS! Do not SORT.  
Please contact me via email or twitter if you want to be removed or you're unsure of how to use the spreadsheet.  If you want to add columns, please add them to the RIGHT of the page.  Please do NOT move your page around! You CAN bookmark your individual page using your browser to find it easily.

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I'm also quite happy to see how #GoTheDist and #MeFirst can work hand-in-hand.  Consider taking the #MeFirst pledge!  #GoTheDist is also a friend of MeYouHealth and their Daily Challenges.

So grab your #GoTheDist buttons, use the hash tags for each month, and get out there! We're all behind you!

At the end of the month/quarter/half consider answering these questions:

• How do you think you did over the course of the quarter?  
• Did you overestimate or underestimate your capabilities?  Why is this?  Is this representative of a larger trend in your life?
• Did you learn anything about yourself while doing this? 
• Can you apply what you've learned in #GoTheDist somewhere else in your life? 
• Did you make any new friends through #GoTheDist -- were you able to support each other?
• What was the hardest part of the challenge?  (physical? mental/psychological?)
• What do you think you did really well this quarter? (doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
• What do you think you could improve on? (again, doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
• No matter the numbers you already entered, are you going to finish strong, or taper off? 
• Did you go the distance? And no, I don't mean did you hit 100% of your goal... did you put yourself out there and really try for it?  Is 80% still something you can be proud of?

This nifty photo to the left explains the nerves that are affected when you have a bulge or herniation. 

I've explained in an earlier entries that I don't just feel pain at the site of the injury, but also the places where those nerves control.  With my lower back, I feel pain down my leg.  I also have fun experiences while sneezing and other sundry things. For my neck -- the pain radiates over my left shoulder, down my biceps/triceps, to my index finger and thumb.

I've mentally compiled (and sometimes unleash on Twitter) lists of "It's fun to ____________" statements such as "it's fun to do laundry with a herniated disc in your neck" or "it's fun trying to pick up the sock you dropped."  Even the simplest things become difficult tasks that require a bit of creativity and humor. But sometimes it's really hard to find the humor (like when I have to brace myself against a wall when I feel a sneeze coming on, or else I'll totally pee at the same time).  

I'm feeling very sorry for myself lately because it's hard to feel young & vibrant when my body is crapping out on me.  I go to bed every night wishing someone was lying next to me, lightly tracing his fingers over my spine and saying "It will be okay."  I wake up in the morning wishing he was there saying "I'll help you in the shower."  I wish he was there saying "don't worry, I'll do the dishes." 

At one point during "Who Framed Roger Rabbit," Jessica Rabbit says "You don't know how hard it is being a woman, looking the way I do."  I know I'm not Jessica Rabbit, but sometimes I do hear the snare and bass drum when I walk.  Sometimes I even hear a string bass or saxaphone.

My swagger doesn't come from how I look or my measurements.  My inner sexiness comes from knowing my strengths, such as my sharp wit and playful coyness as well as my physical strength (I'm a tough cookie) and adventurous attitude.

Yet there is one thing, more than anything else, that makes feeling sexy damn near impossible (as experienced over the past 15 years) -- and that is my litany of back/neck injuries.  I can feel sexy with a sprained ankle, sexy through a sinus infection, or even sexy with a zit on my face.  I just can't feel the va va voom while I'm dealing with my spine injuries. 

I can shake most of the negative feelings associated with my injuries -- such as "it sucks not being able to lift weights" or "I hate not being able to box" -- but I cannot shake the nagging question of "what man can find a broken woman sexy?" I can't be bubbly and cheerful all the time; I can only fake it for so long before I just flat out say "you know what? I feel miserable." I also know that guys my age want to be active -- dancing, hiking, traveling and yes, even sexing.  And there are some days when that just isn't on the docket.

Even worse than not being able to keep up with the activities of dating -- how can you feel sexy and sensual when you are afraid of people touching you?  For example a coworker went to put his arm around my shoulder at my company's holiday party, and the pressure of his arm on my neck was more than I could tolerate.  I winced and pulled away from him (he apologized profusely, but it was unnecessary because he didn't know I was hurt).  Also, many times when I tell guys I have a back problem, they go into "Fix it" mode -- wanting to massage my back or crack it for me (neither help, and both make it worse).  I always wonder if guys consider me a lemon, or as something fragile that can't be touched. 

Doubt is the biggest detriment to self-confidence.

And even if I get past a few dates, I'm reminded of the orthopedist I saw in 2000 who gave me a pamphlet of how to have sex with a bad back.  The drawings were of couples in their 60s.  I don't want men to see me as past my prime, geriatric, or disabled.  I don't want guys to think that I'm completely unable or without desire.  While I don't have plans to swing from any chandeliers and hate being limited by my back, I'm still very much a woman in her sexual prime.

But for all the ways my injuries make me feel like less of a woman, there is an upside:  it makes me able to appreciate the idea of having a man in my life.  For as strong and independent as I am, it would be really nice to say "sweetie, I need help."  Most men I know relish hearing those words -- they love knowing that their skills and strength can be put to use for manly purposes.  Being injured exposes my vulnerability.  I long for the time when the man I am with tries to heal me with kisses down my spine.

When I said in my last entry that I am "mourning for myself" this is what I was vaguely referring to.  I don't hear the drums as frequently.  My swagger is departing from me.  I feel that with each degenerated, bulging, or herniated disc, the chance of people seeing me as I see myself (as a saucy minx) decreases.   With each injured disc, the chance of me seeing myself as a saucy minx decreases.

If I can't feel sexy on the inside, how will the world ever know that under all the blubber, there lies a sexpot?

So... what i thought was a disc bulge

is in fact a "herniation indenting the ventral spinal cord."
Oh, and there's a bulge in the disc below.
So that brings the tally up to 4 bulging discs (L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, and now C6-7) and one herniation (C5-6).


This sucks.

I know you all love and support me, but nothing anyone says is going to make me feel better about this.  And more to the point, I don't want to feel better about this.  I want to feel exactly what I'm feeling:  I'm mad. I'm frustrated. But most of all I'm mourning for myself.  I feel sad that I am going through this.


While I don't want any comments, I did think this was post-worthy, as it throws a big wrench in my weightloss goals.  I need to focus more on diet if I'm going to be (once again) restricted in the gym.

Everyone knows how I abhor the word "thinspo"/"thinspiration" -- as it was born out of the pro-ana movement.

The motivation for the dogs goes right to their breed -- huskies and malamutes were bred for their strength, their stamina, their disposition, and mostly their desire to run.  They are amazing athletes in their own right (for example, The average Alaskan husky running in the Iditarod burns about 11,000 calories a day. To put that in perspective, compare a 44-pound dog with a 175- to 180-pound human in an endurance event like the (Tour de France) bicycle race. On a body-weight basis, an Iditarod racer eats and burns about eight times as much as a Tour de France cyclist.), but when working with the right set of other dogs, they are a precision team.  Lead dogs, swing dogs, team dogs. and wheel dogs need to work together, but are chosen to fit certain roles.

I don't know what the motivation for the human is, because the prize money pales to the cost of maintaining the team.  But I'm willing to bet it is the same for many other athletes -- to push the boundaries of what they know or think they can do, and then go further; to say they are among the elite.

I often get a little mopey when I realize that because of my back, I'll never be able to participate in the kinds of races listed above -- but I have my own pack to run with:  my #GoTheDist team.  It doesn't matter if we're pursuing different modalities, the goal is the same:  to cross the finish line each month, doing what we set out to do.  When one of us succeeds and meets our goals, we all do.  That's my motivation.  That's what I carry with me when I'm in the gym busting my butt to beat my PRs, or even to just put in the time.  It's all about remembering that nifty little point about self-efficacy -- when we see similarly-situated people (i.e. our peers) succeed, we know we can as well.  (And we all know what it's like to fall short of a finish line and have our team love us all the same.)

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How to Join:
1. Click on the SUMMARY PAGE (bookmarking it would be a good idea as you will be using it often).

2. Fill out the next available line on the "Summary" spreadsheet (do not use Columns F or G, J or K -- they will automatically calculate once link your sheet).  I repeat.... START ON THE SUMMARY PAGE!

3. **CREATE YOUR INDIVIDUAL PAGE** (Look at the line you filled out on the SUMMARY PAGE -- find the corresponding number on the bottom of the screen.  This is your individual page!).

4. Rename the tab "@[twitter name]" or if you don't have Twitter "[nickname]"  (If you want to link your page back to summary spreadsheet, go for it.  It's a huge help. Column F will look like this (minus the brackets):  ='[your tab name]'!D43  Column J will look like this (minus the brackets):  ='[your tab name]'!E43)

5. Fill out the sheet as you wish.

6. Update your own individual page as needed (if tracking is too hard, consider printing out your page and filling it out by hand and updating it online once a week). The total mileage will automatically be updated on the Summary tab as you report on your individual page.

7. Follow #GoTheDist on Twitter for support if you need it or to support others when they do, to announce achievements, and find new/old friends!

8. PLEASE DO NOT DELETE LINES OR TABS! Do not SORT.  If you want to add columns, please add them to the RIGHT of the page.  Please do NOT move your page around! You CAN bookmark your individual page using your browser to find it easily.

---

I'm also quite happy to see how #GoTheDist and #MeFirst can work hand-in-hand.  Consider taking the #MeFirst pledge! Also, check out the #MeFirst Blog!

So grab your #GoTheDist buttons, use the hash tags for each month, and get out there! We're all behind you!

At the end of the month consider answering these questions:

• How do you think you did over the course of the month?  
• Did you overestimate or underestimate your capabilities?  Why is this?  Is this representative of a larger trend in your life?
• Did you learn anything about yourself while doing this? 
• Can you apply what you've learned in ##GoTheDist somewhere else in your life? 
• Did you make any new friends through #GoTheDist -- were you able to support each other?
• What was the hardest part of the challenge?  (physical? mental/psychological?)
• What do you think you did really well this month? (doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
• What do you think you could improve on? (again, doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
• No matter the numbers you already entered, are you going to finish strong, or taper off? 
• Did you go the distance? And no, I don't mean did you hit 100% of your goal... did you put yourself out there and really try for it?  Is 80% still something you can be proud of?

Learn to enjoy the holiday, and what it stands for, without stuffing your face full of food.

My general practitioner is from Yugoslavia. She also speaks fluent Serbian.  This makes me think that she grew up not in Belgrade, but somewhere closer to the border.  And by that, I mean to say that being a doctor in America is probably a lifetime away from where she grew up. 

So when she said "So...you know you're fat, right?" I think there were a variety of things at play:  English being her third or fourt language; obesity being a "first-world" problem; and her being the inspiration for the don't give a shit attitude of the honey badger.

Language and attitude aside... she was right.
At 5'9" and 240lbs, I wasn't just fat, I was obese.

I love that she didn't phrase it as a statement -- i.e., "You are fat." -- but as a question about whether I knew I had a problem or not.  Cause believe it or not, people think they're way healthier than they actually are.  For all the years of people saying it was "baby fat" or that I would "grow out of it after puberty" there was finally a person with the balls to stop sugar coating it, who was willing to risk offending me in order to help me save my life.

We talked about what I ate, my exercise patterns, and some other things.  Her recommendation?  A dietitian and a therapist.  She could see the tears well up in my eyes after she asked me "How long have you been overweight?" I could barely get out the story about my dysfunctional relationship with food and my family.  She knew I needed to address those issues before I would be ready to lose the weight.

My opinion is that "FAT" is only derogatory if you are unaware of who you are at the core (that is, it didn't hurt me to be called fat because I knew that deep down, the body I was in was holding back who I was meant to be).

 My opinion is that "FAT" can't hurt you anymore if you have truly turned your back on your former lifestyle and have dealt with all the psychological issues that got you there in the first place.

My opinion is that being called out for being FAT changed my life for the better versus all the times people tried to protect my feelings by saying "oh, you're not fat, here... have some fries."

My opinion is that my FAT is really FUEL. My wiggles and jiggles mean that I can run long runs without having to carbo load before.  I have little fat cells lying in wait to help support my muscles.

I also know the reality of how fat people are viewed in this world -- which is why my blog name is FAT GIRL versus WORLD.  By sharing my awesomeness with the world (and the fact that I don't eat Twinkies 24/7), I want to show people that just because I have said wiggles and jiggles, that it won't prevent me from kicking ass at life.  I will fight for the same rights and respect that naturally thin people get just by showing up.

But do bear in mind that I'm not advocating blind fat acceptance.  My core belief that the journey and how we should view ourselves is not through size/weight but rather through health/fitness.  Be whatever size or shape you want to be, but have a healthy lifestyle, a healthy attitude, and be able to outrun a ninja.

So when someone gets their panties in a twist over someone else using the word fat, I just wonder if they haven't fully faced their fears about going back to the way they were, or if they will continually be victimized by a three letter word.

I really like @TheAntiJared's take on the word "fat" and I love the conversation going on at @MizFitOnline's blog. 

I think at some point everyone needs to make a choice as to whether they're going to let that word define them, or whether they're going to let their actions speak louder than that one word.

Hominids (the great apes -- chimps, orangutans, gorillas and humans) are pretty fancy.  We have an extraordinary ability to combine our brain power and our manual dexterity and solve problems using tools. Because of this, our species, Homo sapiens, has thrived.  We are able to manipulate our environment to suit our needs and our wants. 

But sometimes we're just so fancy pants that we focus only on our mind.  Since we're so smart, we should be able to think our way out of tough situations or will our way through challenges.  Smartie pants that we are, we forget that we have tools at our disposal that help further us toward our goals.

And by "we" I really mean me.

Case in point:  I know that diet is 3/5 of my own personal weight loss success (1/5 being exercise, and 1/5 being the mental/emotional work).  I have my tools -- my EatSmart scales at home and at work; my measuring cups and spoons; and my BodyMedia Fit food log on both my phone and my computer, etc. But have I been using them? No.

Instead of putting my big girl undies on, I've been frustrated and moping about not losing weight (despite knowing that I'm losing inches and gaining awesomeness).  I'm falling into the same trap that I try to warn other people about.  Why? Because I want so desperately to be an intuitive eater, not having to count calories.  But the bottom line is that I haven't been food logging or meal planning long enough to go autopilot.  That's a hard truth that I need to admit to myself. 

The solution is that I need to start food logging again. I need to use the tools that are at my disposal.  It is not a sign of weakness or failure, just proof that there's still more to learn.  Now I just have to do it (or convince someone to be my own personal chef/food logger).....

First, my apologies -- I meant to have this published on MONDAY Nov. 14, but since I've been feeling healthier, I feel the need to catch up on my #GoTheDist goals and get back into my routine.  Blogging fell by the wayside!

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So... without further delay I give you the winners of the 2011 Lady Balls Awards:

The Brass Ovaries Award is in recognition of a woman who has a certain amount of chutzpah, swagger, or bravery.  When she walks, you hear her ovaries ring out with a certain "I am woman, hear me roar."

The winner of the Brass Ovaries Award says what is on her mind, stands behind what she says, and is unafraid of defending her positions. 


Tara's blog can be found at http://alifechangingjourney.com/.  Take a moment and read her entries and you'll hear those Brass Ovaries ringing!  Heck, I can hear them ringing miles away.  She is one of the most fearless people I know.

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The Iron Ovaries Award is in recognition of a woman who makes a man's testes want to hide because she is the epitome of strength, endurance, grit, and fearlessness.

The winner of the Iron Ovaries Award inspires others by taking on challenges with a courageous heart. Her strength of character carries her through the day. She might not always finish strong, but she always finishes. 

 http://www.twitter.com/#%21/leavingfatville

Check out http://www.leavingfatville.com/ if you want to see why Anda dominated the Iron Ovaries category! On a more personal note, I've seen her face her challenges with self-awareness and bravery.  She never gives in!

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The Steel Ovaries Award is in recognition of the most exceptional woman among women.  She enriches all womanhood just by showing up.  She exhibits aspects of both Brass and Iron Ovaries. 

The winner of the Steel Ovaries Award is a leader among women.  She is proud to be a woman, and proud to be stronger than most men she knows.  She has seen adversity and risen above.  She endures. 

 http://twitter.com/#%21/bodywontbreak

Check out Leslie's blog at http://www.bodywontbreak.com/ and learn about the challenges she faces as she tries to become the woman she knows she can be.  I'm just starting to get to know her, but she might be one of the few people as crazy energetic as I am.   See her acceptance speech here.

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Kudos to the winners, and much love to the runners up!! Truly, you are all spectacular women!

Ladies -- if you would like me to crosspost to any acceptance speeches feel free to send me a link.
Truly when we see one woman succeed the whole gender benefits.  The whole world benefits.

Right click on the photos, "save as" and then go wild if you want to post on your blog.