FatGirl vs World

Yay! Landmark post!


And very little of it will be my own content.
There was a Women's Health article a few months ago ("Slim Body, Fat Wallet") that I just re-read and I wanted to share some of it with you. 

His [James Prochaska, Ph.D.] fundamental belief is that the big reason so many people relapse on their New Year's resolutions by (you guessed it!) February, is that they didn't do enough to prepare themselves to take on those shifts. "Change is a process," he says, "not an event. And 80 percent of people aren't prepared when they start." 

So how do you lay the groundwork? Getting ready involves moving consciously through several stages. In what Prochaska calls the "precontemplation" stage, change is just nibbling at your mind, and your job is to raise your awareness of the benefits of changing. That might mean thinking about the cool vacation you could save for when you no longer have those big credit-card bills to contend with, or the thrill of fitting back into your favorite skinny jeans.

Then comes the next stage, "contemplation," when you are seriously thinking about making a change. When you're at this stage, it helps to focus on how the pros of taking some kind of action outweigh the cons. Sure, you might miss your morning full-fat latte and your Friday-night pizza outings, but seeing the pounds melt off is so much more gratifying. "People who can't see a good balance of pros over cons are likely to give up and say it's not worth it," Prochaska points out. When you can list twice as many pros as cons, you're good to go!

I think this is a worthy exercise and something I'm going to endeavor to do -- to see more pros than cons.  I'm generally a positive, upbeat kind of person, but I think this will help me put my head in the right place.

The article ends with this:

Remember: Change is a process, not an event, as Prochaska says. It takes time, and you're likely to hit the occasional setback or bad day. When (not if, but when) that happens, take a deep breath and remember that these are changes you want to make for the long-term. If on a particular day you find you don't have enough willpower to attack both challenges, look at it as a sort of muscle fatigue and ease up. Count calories today. Stick to your budget tomorrow. And over time, you'll build up enough strength to reach both goals.

Now, I don't get many magazines, as I don't like being wasteful and/or becoming a magazine collector and I don't think that they're always putting good information out there.  But this made me wonder if all my failures in the past to stick to change have been because I had no idea what I wanted the end result to be, or what I wanted my lifestyle to resemble.

With that, the sun just came out and it's time to get my ass in gear!  What to do today... what to do...

[[Edit:  my nutritionist posted this link.  20 Worst Drinks in America 2010]]

I always find inspiration in music, mainly because I'm a singer.  In 2008, one of my favorite musicians, Ari Hest pushed himself to write 52 songs in a year.  A few of those songs really touched a cord for me in terms of the lyrics.

In one song, he sings:

It made me take a good hard look at my life -- was I happy where I was, doing what I was doing, hanging around certain people.  It made me look at myself -- to see my feelings were things that would follow me until I addressed them.

In another song, he sings about letting go of emotional and metaphorical burdens, but every now and then I repeat the refrain to myself "I know it's not to late to let go the weight..."  In other words, I very much see my weight as almost a suit of armor.  I know I don't need protecting anymore.

Last night I gave myself a day pass to drink some beer with friends at Zane Lamprey's Drinking Made Easy tour.  Om nom nom.  Abita's Purple Haze is delicious.  The show was hilarious!  I got myself a 72 oz. "Good Burp" mug, which will be living at work for my water.

But I think it served as a good farewell to drinking party -- end on a high note -- for a while until I make some real progress here.  I keep dancing over/under 200, and I'd like to say under 200.   Not drinking will definitely help me.

So as I'm sitting here writing this, I'm wearing my bikini.  Why?  I have no particular clue.  I think it's almost a rehearsal.  If I'm more comfortable wearing it around myself, the more bravado I'll have in my reserves for when I wear it in public (date TBD), just like practicing good eating habits at home make it easier to have good eating habits when I go out (the pizza I ate on my way home from the show was decidedly not a good choice, but sooo yummy).

So yeah... doot da do... last night I had some people kinda amazed that I have triceps.  Two words: Wii Boxing.  I know it's a silly video game, but there ya go.  They gave me triceps.  I'd love to take real boxing lessons, but I don't know how good that'd be for my back (all the torque) but man I wish I had found it before my injuries.

Foodwise, I think I've found the best items on the best way to navigate my favorite local Thai place.  My first step was to get away from my favorite meal:  Drunken Noodles (Choice of beef, chicken, pork or seafood sautéed with wide rice noodle, onions, tomatoes, basil leaves and sweet peppers in spicy garlic sauce).  So tasty, but so bad.  I moved on to the Sweet Melody (Choice of beef, chicken, pork or seafood sautéed with pineapple, tomatoes, cucumber, sweet peppers, scallions, onions in a sweet and sour sauce) in the Drunken Noodle garlic chili sauce instead of the sweet & sour sauce.  But my new plan of attack is to order off the appetizer menu.  Tricky, I know.

I have three options I'm currently loving:

• Fresh Garden Rolls (Mixed vegetables, rice noodles, wrapped in rice paper served with special sauce and crushed peanut)
• Fresh Mango Salad (Julienned fresh mango, red onions and cilantro tossed in a spicy lime dressing and sprinkled with crispy fried coconut)
• Mixed Grilled Seafood (Shrimp, scallops, and squid on a skewer with pineapple and tomatoes)

So I get home from work, check my personal email, then put on my gym clothes.  The thunderstorm had cleared the city and I thought I'd go for a nice walk to take in all the sights (how verdant the city is), smells, and sounds (the choir of birds happily chirping).

I made it as far as my bed.

I slept from 8:00-4:00 am.  FAIL.
But you know what?  I'm not going to let that keep me down.  I mean, my body very clearly said "I want sleeeeeep."  So even if it wasn't convenient to me, or in line with my plans for the evening, I answered the call of my body by giving it what it asked for.

And now I'm up and about and preparing for that walk.   Though, I haven't decided whether I want to go for a walk or go to the gym to use the elliptical... maybe both... as I promised my friend that my butt was hers to kick in the gym.

[[Edit:  1 hr running on the elliptical at gym on a 10/8, 4/2 interval:  7+km; 758 calories burned.   I think my body wanted that as well.]

When I was younger, I wasn't very popular.  And though I wasn't necessarily picked on, I always felt people kept me at a distance because of how I looked.


After my mom died in 1994, I cut off all my hair, ballooned up to 240lbs. I was wearing my pain on the outside.  My body spoke for me because I hadn't figured out a healthy way to express my hurt with words.

The most amazing thing happened, though.  People rallied around me.  Some of the most popular kids in my grade became a protective shield for me -- checking in with me, saying hi.  Just the basic kindnesses.

By the time I got to HS, I was put into a bereavement group with other kids who have lost a parent.  J lost her mother, F1&V lost their dad, and F2 lost his dad I believe.  These people became my part of my family.  To this day there is a very special place in my heart for them.  Even when I went off to college and really experienced the grief over the loss of my mother for the first time in a sincere way, I knew that I wasn't alone in what I was going through as I carried them with me.

Before he graduated (he was a year ahead of us), F1 pulled me aside and said "One day people are going to wish they were nicer to you.  You're going to be a knockout."

I mean, even as I am writing this, I'm getting tears in my eyes.  One of the most popular and well-liked guys in the whole entire school really got me.  Not only that, but he let down the barrier of HS social protocol to tell me.  On my worst days I remember this.  On my best days I remember this.

I remember his coming home from Marine Boot Camp the following year and barely being able to get out of my car.  I just cried and cried after seeing him because I was so proud of the man he had become.  And I was thankful for what he did for me -- he basically said that all the jokes at my expense, all the lonely nights crying wishing I had a better lot in life would be worth it.  I didn't care whether I'd be a model in others' eyes, all I really cared about back then was at least being worthy of being looked at, talked to, respected, and even loved.

I think it's a massive conspiracy theory that they always put the fastest runners after me in softball -- so if I'm on base, and they hit, I have to haul ass.  I mean, I hit well, but how fast does a 200lb woman run, really?  I hear people running up behind me, I hear my own steps heavy on the ground.  I can only wonder how much faster I might be able to run.

I wonder how much more elegant I'd look walking in heels.

I wonder if I will catch people looking at me and admiring my body and say "oh, she takes good care of herself."

I hit some great line drives today, and made some really good plays.  I'm very satisfied when I play softball.

For way too long it's been socially acceptable to look down on fat people as lazy, without willpower, slovenly, etc.  It's okay to think they love Twinkies more than they love their health.

So I'm changing the rules. 

If you meet someone who expresses their desire to make a positive change, it's your job to encourage them.  It doesn't need to be much.  You can just be there to listen, to be a cheerleader, to give tips and hints, or even go for a walk/jog with them.  But the new rule is "Leave No One Behind."  If they choose to confide in you, you're now a part of their successes and failures.  They took the first step, now show them they're not alone.

Why am I adamant about this?  Had it not been for one of my closest friends making the huge change in her life, I wouldn't have found the courage to even believe I was capable of such change.  She doesn't always realize it, but I'm her biggest fan.  I'm in awe of her strength, her humor, her successes and even her losses.  Because she's able to get back up on the horse, I know I can as well.

On my bad days she tells me she's been there too, that cheese is taunting me, and that one bad day will not and can not derail me.  I can only hope to be that person to other people.  And so should you.

Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad about my bathing suit photos...because there are larger women out there who are absolutely beautiful and not afraid to show off their dangerous curves. One wonders how women would feel about themselves had stick-thin models like Twiggy and Kate Moss never been popular.

I dare you to find one person that doesn't think this is more than courageous, but actually beautiful:
(photo NSFW)

So I have about 21 weeks to go.
I'm currently floating between 200 and 202 lbs.
I think a good goal weight would be between 165 and 175 -- which means losing a little over a pound a week.
This is very doable, and within a healthy range.
HOWEVER, thus far, I've had 16 weeks of ups and downs, of sabotaging myself, of injuries and some minor victories.
I would really feel proud of myself if I met this goal.

What do you think -- will I do it?

I have a teeny tiny bit over 5 months until Nancy's wedding and looking good in a strapless, floor length bridesmaid gown. 

I really need to step things up a bit: 
-- No more Oreos.
-- Limiting drinking and/or no drinking.
-- Saying "Yes" to being more active (such as when people ask if i want to play softball, or tennis, or swim)
-- Sticking to the plan when it comes to portion control, variety of colors, and knowing when i'm hungry, knowing when I'm satisfied.

In other words -- I know what to do. I just need to do it.

I get back my blood work this week -- and so that's just one more set of data points to know whether I'm making enough positive change.